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So, I’ve lurked here for a long time, and now with my heart pounding, have created an account and am saying hello. I’ve been out of TWI for over 10 years; it took me almost 10 before that to work my way out. I grew up in twi, birth to twenties. Now I’m working my way through diagnoses of PTSD, anxiety, and depression, all after I thought I’d dealt with the big stuff. I hope you all are faring better, but I’m guessing maybe not if you’re here. A book that is really helping me understand all this is “Combatting Cult Mind Control” by Steven Hassan. If you’re looking for a sometimes distressing but very revealing read, it’s excellent and totally relevant. Happy to be here and hope to “meet” some of you soon. :-)

Again, imo........the reason why I view splinter cults are worse than twi........is based on my original interest and involvement. It can be succinctly summed up by something that DWBH stated in the thread The Six Stages of Wierwille's Climb to Power: NOW......splinter cults have an inserted LEVEL OF AUTHORITARIAN PONTIFICATORS at the onset. Guys who've been around for 45 years rehashing wierwille teachings and cultclap one-liners at every turn. No thanks. Who wants to be led around by a bunch of 65-year old know-it-alls? The youth have disappeared back into life.....gone baby gone.

Ok, here goes. I grew up mostly at HQ - not in the frying pan; in the fire. The standards for children there were ridiculous. Basically, be perfect. Listen, remember, obey. Be a good example. Don’t be a stumbling block. Dress appropriately. Speak respectfully. Don’t be angry. Don’t be sad, be thankful. I watched some kids, especially as teenagers, become angry and rebellious. Others, like me, became as compliant and people-pleasing as a person could possibly be. I was complimented often on my “meekness.” In childhood, this meant a rather controlled atmosphere. As a teenager, it was absolutely suffocating. I’m now well into middle age, and I find that I have very little sense of self. The mental work I’m doing now is mostly about separating my “cult self” from my “authentic self” (as Steven Hassan labels it in Combatting Cult Mind Control) - I also think of it as new man vs. old man with the new man being false behaviors smothering my real personality. I’ve always thought I had pretty good self esteem. I realize now I feel fine about my cult self - being disciplined, keeping things clean, being a high achiever, serving others to the detriment of self. I have a deep self-loathing for that hidden authentic self that isn’t “perfect” - is spontaneous, joyful, sexual, angry, free, artistic, childlike, grieving. It’s taken months of counseling, thinking, reading, and agonizing just to realize this. Still working on how to let it out. Another part of growing up that still affects me is hyper-vigilance about “danger.” The idea that the devil was out to get us; and if you are “out of alignment and harmony” you’ll be outside of God’ protection; and we were taught that people we knew had DIED because they didn’t follow their schedules or didn’t follow their leadership’s advice; this adds up to a brain trained to be alert to the smallest inconsistencies in the environment (PTSD). Then put in the strong imagery of Athletes of the Spirit. My friends and I were obsessed with it. We learned the seed of the serpent dance and would argue over who got to be her and which devil spirits we got to be. That imagery was so strong for our young minds. Taking the advanced class made it even more vivid and more urgent. Then, if you were at HQ in the 90s, you remember lunch time. LCM would talk for hours every week sometimes, lecturing about the things God was “showing him” or about how we all needed to be so vigilant or about people - telling their personal lives and struggles to everyone and talking about how the “adversary” had gotten into their lives and how devil spirits were infiltrating their minds. Is it any wonder I was terrified to drink? To try drugs? That has seemed like a good thing to me for a long time, but I now realize I was so constrained by fear that the mere idea of losing control sends me into a near panic. It wasn’t good. And along with all that came the underlying belief that if I wasn’t all those “good” things - a strong disciple, believing positively, behaving according to the Word, doing what my spiritual overseers told me to do, blah blah blah - I wouldn’t be loved. Discipline of children was so strongly emphasized (and LCM criticized parents so heavily) that as a child, I subconsciously picked up that I wasn’t good enough and wasn’t lovable if I wasn’t right in line. Now, as a parent, I really do think at least my mother loved me unconditionally, and she told me that when I left the way. I have a lot of family left in the way. I stay anonymous because of it. Still afraid of losing their love over my “disobedience.” I guess posting here is one way for me to push back and not allow myself to be silenced, even if I’m not fully out there. Baby steps. In a lot of ways I was lucky. I went to college instead of going Wow or Way Disciple right away. I of course wanted to go in the corps - because how else were you really somebody? - but was lucky enough to get through college and realize I didn’t want to do that. I spent my 20s wading through all the doctrines I tried so hard to keep believing in, but I just couldn’t get them to make sense with real life. I rejected them. And didn’t realize the mess all this has made of my psyche. I was a true believer. I did the things you were supposed to do. I toed the line. I put my heart and soul into it. And all I got was this broken spirit.

I would like to point out, for new arrivals, that being a Christian is not a requirement of this site. People from a wide variety of belief systems and those with no belief system at all are equally welcome here. This public service announcement has been brought to you by the makers of.......

I remember this ROA. It was my 2nd. The first one i had gone out WOW. I had just turned 21. My parents were in res. Both they AND my WOW team leader jumped on me and the other young adults on my team accusing us of being involved in whatever had happened at the gazebo. We were all confused as to what the heck had gone down at the gazebo. And in my young brain, i was a little upset that I hadn't been considered cool enough by those kids to be invited. I think I had a brother who had been there. He told me it was a bunch of clergy kids who had planned that whole thing. A few main memories of that ROA: 1. My WOW family coordinator was DFAC at that rock. She was too soft hearted to stand up to what was required of her. I remember she would try to be authoritative with us, but her heart wasn't in it. I remember seeing her right after she was dropped (I had no idea what had happened) and she was wearing a hand written nametag instead of her WC one. I was always getting in trouble for forgetting my nametag, so I said (joking) "where's your nametag? SOMEONE WILL THINK YOU GOT DROPPED!" Then I found out she had just come from being stripped of her WC status. I wanted to melt into the ground. I still feel bad about that. 2. We had a girl on our WOW team who had been dropped for being a lesbian in the middle of the year. She was a foundational class grad. We were lucky as a team because we only lost her. Other teams had been decimated, having to move in with other teams because there were so few left. 3. On our way back to ROA from where we were on the field (way out in the SW usa) one of our vehicles broke down with a radiator hose that had split. We fixed it with an "All Roads Lead to The Rock" bumper sticker. We felt like we were super conquerors to come up with that solution and arrive in time for the rock. We took the offending hose with its bumper sticker bandaid to present it to the WOW coordinator, thinking it would be a great example of God working in us to find a way to overcome. Revelation or something. I believe the WOW coordinator was J0hn R◇p.o., but I could be mistaken. He and my WOW team coordinator were annoyed we had even considered they would care. We should have believed better and the car wouldn't have broken in the first place. 4. One of my brothers was slated to go out in the next wave of wows. But the program had been cancelled. Our parents were in residence. He couldn't go back with them. He had nothing and nowhere to go. He ended up in something like a way home in Ann Arbor. Whole life disrupted. 5. I was still in debt when I went WOW. But at the time I left I had been informed my student loans didn't count as debt. In the middle of the year that changed. I didn't have them paid off by the time the rock came around. I was sure martindale would know by revelation that i had debt. Or that they would run credit checks on all the wows. Or something. But no one knew. I should have known then that they had no connection to God at all. (Please excuse grammar and spelling... I typed this all on my phone. And it is a pain in the foot.)

Ahh, you are right Belle, Bodie G....... He was Mr. Bliss' best friend in the Family Corps. We haven't talked with him in years.............prob since 97. He'd like to know where he's at also.