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greasie

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  1. There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was great. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You?re not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?" God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?" Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.
  2. No Insurance A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun." The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law." Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.
  3. A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job. The manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says, Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many sales did you make today? the boss asked. The kid says, One. The boss says, Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? The kid says, $101,237.64. The boss says, $101,237.64? What the h$%* did you sell ? The kid says, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Suburban. The boss said, A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck? The kid says, No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing. Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.
  4. For the computer minded The Gatesmobile At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNET," but then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light. 8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. 9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna. 10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off! Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.
  5. An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!' So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'D@mn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.' Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.
  6. There was a church in Mexico who needed someone to ring the bell on Sundays .. no one showed but this boy with no arms.. the priest says " I don't think you can , my son , because of your handicap. boy says " I know I can do it , I KNOW I CAN !!.. well, o k lets see. So up the tall bell tower they went, got up to the bell free , there's the bell. A big, big brass bell. Ok , ring it ,says the priest. The armless boy gets back ,takes a good look at the bell an takes off arunnin'. Goes smack face first right into the bell .. BAAARAAAGGG the bell rings. He getsback again runs face first,, BAAARAAAGGG . IT MAKES A BEAUTIFUL SOUND. Boy gets back again. runs at it , but miss times it and the boy runs right by the bell and out the window..... S P L A T ... to the ground below. The towns people gather around ... WHO IS THIS BOY WHO IS THIS BOY?. The priest comes walkin' down .. FATHER FATHER WHO IS THIS BOY? The priest says ,,,, i don't know his name , but his face rings a bell Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.
  7. greasie

    Signs

    At a Business Establishment Philadelphia, PA: "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE JEW" This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. Most would be outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement... One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back... But perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement...We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty... And after all it is just a sign... You may ask what business would dare post such a sign? Goldberg's Funeral Home (Who knew morticians had a sense of humor?) Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.
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