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Vegetarian Jokes

A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.

He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.

The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."

A vegetarian, a meat-eater, and a cannibal walk into a bar, the vegetarian orders a salad, the other orders a burger, then the bartender asks the cannibal "anything for you?", so he replies, "no thanks, I'll wait till they're done."

A vivisector is having a nightmare: lying on a cold steel table, he's going numb as a giant rat approaches with a large knife.

The rat says, "We are going to need those kidneys, my friend."

"Wait!" shouts the vivisector. "I understand that I'm going to die, but just tell me, is it for the good of humanity?"

"Something like that," the rat tells him with a smirk. "It's for the good of two manatees."

A husband and wife were sitting around talking about their hard day at work and the wife was complaining that she needed to be more assertive to get anywhere, etc. when her husband told her, "You know what the problem is don't you? It's a dog eat dog world out there, and you're a vegetarian!"

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Vegan,

Loved the first one. The doctor determined he wasn't eating right. Hee-hee!

****************

Father's Car

A young boy had just gotten his driver's"permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist,

if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.

"Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd settle for the offer,

and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud.

You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible and

participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten

your hair cut. The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair,

Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

sudo
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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter. Being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones De Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy."

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I'm am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor, sometimes the bull wins."

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This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This tedious and lengthy process is.......

done by the Chip-Monks.

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Upon moving to a new town, a man decides he would like to join a church. He stops at the first one he encounters and states his intentions. The minister informs him he must first answer a test question. He willingly submits as the minister asks him;"Where was Jesus born?" The man quickly answers "Pittsburgh". The minister informs him he has failed the test but kindly points out that there is another church just across the street.At the second church he again is asked;"Where was Jesus born?" This time he responds "Harrisburgh". Again the minister points him in the direction of another church. At the third church he states his intentions and the minister says;"Welcome to the fold". The man is delighted. He decides to ask the minister for the correct answer to;"Where was Jesus born?" The minister is quick to tell him it was Bethlehem. "Dang it!", said the man, I KNEW it was SOMEPLACE in Pennsylvania!"

Merry Christmas to all.

Edited by waysider
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A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful citizen... a rich dentist. The person in charge of contributions called to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a very large yearly income, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?".

The dentist mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?". Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No.". "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?".

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted... "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident", the dentist's voice rising in indignation, "..leaving her penniless with three children?!". The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea...".

On a roll, the dentist cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you!!!!"

sudo
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The pastor of a church needed to raise money to remodel the fellowship hall.

He tried for months and months to raise the money, but nothing seemed to be working.

Finally one Sunday he told the congregation that whomever gave the largest donantion,

they could pick out their three favourite hymns.

The offering plate was passed around.

Looking into the plate he saw the largest bill he could ever dream of receiving.

He asked who gave it. Finally from the back row, the oldest female parishioner raised her hand.

The pastor told her to come up to the front and pick out her three hymns.

Once at the front she looked at all the handsome men in the congregation, pointed,

and said --- I want HIM, HIM, and HIM!!

Edited by dmiller
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Oklahoma Highway Patrol Story - Gotta love it.

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.

About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck .

He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window.

Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked.

He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to 'Pull over!' The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?

:biglaugh:

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This Texan and his wife go into the dr's office. The Texan says," Doc, my wife and I have decided I should have a vasectomy. The doctor said "ok." and looked at the man's chart where he discovered the couple had NINE children.

The doc says,"Our records indicate you have NINE children. I've got to ask why you want a vasectomy now?

The Texan replies, " Well doc, it's like this. You see, my wife and I were reading the paper last weekend and there was an article in there that said one out of ten children in Amerka was Hispanic.

And my wife and me, we don't speak Spanish! ! ! !"

I loved the Chip Monk joke.

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The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country...

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven"

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And ... THE BEST ONE!

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't - Sign here."

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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,

her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared

and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and

that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their

family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble

set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble

ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is

this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three

thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the

riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under

the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you

crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress .

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a

misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you

would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you

would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would

have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and

would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I

said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and

honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our

story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

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Senior Special :dance:

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

YES!!" stated the waitress.

I'll take the special."

How do you want your eggs?"

Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! They've been around the block more than once.

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Degrees of Blonde-ness

1st DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde),

picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*

2nd DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one look! s in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*

3rd DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun an puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,-:*

4th DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*

5th DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´-:*´`*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*

6th DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*

7th DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,

shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,

"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Edited by Tom Strange
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*WOMAN'S PERFECT REVENGE*

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to

purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television

set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

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  • 2 weeks later...

A minister decided to use an example in his sunday teaching which included 3 jars that had a worm in each.

In the first jar the worm was in alcohol.

In the second the worm was in cigarette smoke.

In the third the worm was in clean healthy soil.

After his sermon, the minister opened the 3 jars. In the first two the worm was dead. But in the last one he was alive and well. He looked at his audience and asked them what they had learned from his sermon.

After a few seconds a lady in the back rose her hand. The minister said what is it?

The lady said, well if you go through life smoking and drinking you sure won't have worms.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Crying old man

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying.

A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old man, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love.

In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love.

At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

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Burgler wants to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Moses." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Moses?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

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