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I Love Bagpipes
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I was journal perusing this past week and found 3 prose/poems hidden in my pages. I thought about posting these under "About the Way" because I figure folks who are still in TWI lurk there, wondering what to do, if anything, and wondering if there is light outside the "household." However, I decided "My Story" a more appopriate spot for the following posts.

Here I share these 3 prose which give a pinhole view of a progressive unfolding regarding my last months in TWI and my first few months out.

My last year in TWI my heart was filled with emptiness. Someone may read the following and diagnose it as depression. That may be. I have been treated for depression and am well aquainted with the illness. However, I knew this emptiness was different from depression...and even my counselor agreed at the time. No pill or psychological counseling could fill the emptiness that I felt...the vaccum that occupied my heart. Almost every morning I arose the void was there.

I felt so stuck in this void and I didn't know who to trust or where to turn to find again my relationship with God. A few days within writing the following a dear friend who had left TWI 5 years earlier was in touch with me.

Two days prior to penning this prose I wrote: "...my heart is so heavy. I feel I don't have a friend...a full-sharing friend."

And now 1-1/2 years later I have been lavished with deep and heart-felt connections and friendships.

Never in my thoughts did I ever think that I would experience the reunions, renewed friendships, new friendships that have been born/reborn in the last 10 months.

This was written in June, 2005. I left TWI in October, 2005.

Prose One of Three

My heart is so heavy.

My heart is so empty.

My well of love runs dry.

I look inside.

I look to God.

I look...but my heart remains low.

Where has my passion gone?

Where has my life been thrown?

Where can I find the way?

Father, I daily cry within my heart.

I daily want to run away.

I daily feel a desperation.

I know not where to turn.

I know not how to find the answers.

I know my tears fall continually inside.

Will you hold my hand?

Will you manifest to me what I am to do?

Will you make it clear?

I ask almost timidly.

I ask with doubt of my every move.

My heart is so very heavy.

My heart is so very sad.

My heart is so very empty.

And now the tears pour forth from my soul.....

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In my last 5 years or so of TWI, there were years I didn't read my Bible much. It would remind me of standards I couldn't keep. I would read it some, but mainly read other works on healing, mind-body medicine, self help books, and biographies about people who gained/regained wellness. I learned alot and these books helped me tremendously. I also got involved with various groups (music, support, business) outside of TWI. Again I learned and my life was richer because of these acitivities. But they couldn't fill my relationship with God.

During my last year in TWI when I was experiencing the deep emptiness I read some books to tried to fill the void. Once I left TWI and looked to Jesus Christ the void began to be filled. I was again finding my first love. I started to see that much of my reading/activities (not all, but much) was an effort to fill a part of me that could only be taken care of by a relationship with my Lord.

This next prose was written in December, 2005. I had left in October, 2005.

Prose Two of Three

My heart cried out to the forces that be.

"Where are you?

Can you hear me?

Do you exists?

Dare I believe?"

My heart craved and yearned to find its place.

In this great big world among the human race.

"Where do I fit?

Where do I belong?

So many choices...

What if I'm wrong?"

I tried to fit in so many places

Among different groups

And diverse faces.

There were times of elation and times of doubt...

Times of exuberance and times of remorse.

"Where do I go...where do I stake

this life of mine? Upon what course?"

For awhile I settled for mediocrity,

But then my soul suffered so emptily.

I searched and pondered through many books...

Philosophers...answers....in so many nooks.

Then I came back full circle to Jesus Christ and God's Word.

And found myself humbled and small again.

Was I the wiser for wandering?

Aye? Nay? Of the answer I am uncertain.

But humbled I am and I trust that my heart...

will stay honest and open upon this new old course.

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Since taking the scary step and exiting TWI, God opened door after door and quite literally brought people to me.....mainly to my computer screen....and then the phone....and then face to face.

I am no longer empty. Oh how glorious!!!! NO LONGER EMPTY. The past months have not all been filled with joy. In fact I have experienced deep grief that had been buried for decades that I never allowed myself access to. But the emptiness is gone...the void is gone. I am learning about grace and becoming free from works-based Christianity.

So it intrigued me the order of these prose in my journal. Of course there is much context in between the writings of these three prose. This last one was written after reunions started happening and (via these reunions) God was/is teaching me (via the books and relationships) about His Son, my Lord, as a real living person. I was (and am) experiencing the Body of Christ at work.

This was written in February, 2006. I first posted on GSC in December 2005.

Prose Three of Three

He lived His life an obedient one.

He loved and foresaw what was to come.

It was this love, this vision, this purpose that spurred Him to do.

His life was THE sacrifice for me and for you.

What am I to do, one so weak and small?

How am I to respond to this most magnificent call?

He simply says, "Come..........

and relish in the work that I have done."

"Take it. Accept it. I did it for You.

Embrace it. Hold it. For it is all true.

Hide it within and take it to heart.

This is the reason I gave my all.

For you my child, my friend, for you."

"Once you embrace it please step aside.

Allow me entree to work within.

As you cast all your care upon me...

all the guilt....

all the shame.....

all the sickness...

all the pain...

You shall find freedom and bask in the love...

Love so deep beyond what you have known."

"Step aside and allow me access to work within.

Listen....

Listen....

Trust that I know what is best.

Then take the step...

the step of me working within."

"I will guide and transform your heart.

But my child, you first must start.

By simply accepting all I have done.

To make you righteous as God's daughter, God's son."

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Beautiful Pipes, beautiful~

I too feel this same way, about my Lord, and what relationship I was missing for so long......

I love that you journal, and it is so awesome to see how you change and grow.

It seems that my journal went from a ''whiney, woe is me'' diary, to a '' thankful, praise, and How great thou art" psalm!

I am so happy you are finding this peace in your life. :D

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Thank you Bliss. :)

I have shared recently that Jesus Christ is no longer a concept to me, but He is becoming a real LIVING person.

Do you journal too?

Interesting what you share about the "whiney" to thankfulness and praise. A book I've read the past months speaks of the Psalms...going from lament to thanksgiving to praise. In fact I read this morning:

"These three form a triad: the lament leading to the thanksgiving song and culminating in the hymn. The first is the voice of one...out of relationship with God...afraid... The second is sung in the voice of astonished gratitude: the relationship has been reconciled. The third is sung in a voice of joy for continued fellowship with God; the worshiper feels no obstatcles in his relationship with God....

It is crucial for us to remember that although the Psalms begin with our internal world, they don't allow us to dwell there, fixated on our problems and dark emotions.....The Psalter is a book of worship, driving us to God by insisting that we look to Him in the midst of our pain. When we do so, we find ourselves and our problems absorbed into His bright glory."

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It is crucial for us to remember that although the Psalms begin with our internal world, they don't allow us to dwell there, fixated on our problems and dark emotions.....The Psalter is a book of worship, driving us to God by insisting that we look to Him in the midst of our pain. When we do so, we find ourselves and our problems absorbed into His bright glory
."

That is beautiful!

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Yes beautiful.

I totally see what your talking about now.................

I would like to stay in Praise mode thank you.

I do journal, and try to do it every month. I go throught dry periods and plenty seasons in my journalling.

I love seeing my growth.

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:) :) :) :)

For some reason I always enjoy meeting fellow journalers.

I too like looking back every so often to the previous year(s).

At one point I started to index my journals. Got so far and then burned out. Oh well...

Writer's Digest used to have a cool magazine, "Personal Journanling" (I think). Haven't seen it on the shelves for some time. Haven't investigated what happened to it.

Once I was talking with a friend who collected sports paraphenalia (sp?).

I said, "Geez, I don't collect anything."

He knew I journaled and I would share with him from my journal at times. (Not real easy to do, especially in person.) And he responded, "You collect thoughts.......and solutions."

Oh my!!! I had never thought about it like that. He made me feel like I was accomplishing something! hee

Edited by I Love Bagpipes
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  • 2 weeks later...

ILB,

I was very blessed to read what you wrote .. it capsulizes your deliverance and makes me realize God will always be the One who helps us find our way ... when we open our heart to Him, he makes a way where there seems to be no way. As we have discussed, your leaving TWI was for many years a heart's desire of mine ... I hated to see a good friend so encased .... so as you might imagine, it's a great, great joy to read of your deliverance through the journals you shared.

DogLover

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