I'm Dying

[LG]

I went by “long gone” for years, and have been going by “LG,” but I want to introduce myself by my real name now. I’m George Ferguson. I’m 52 years old. I’m a native Texan and have lived in Texas all my life, except during a little over two years of my TWI involvement.

I don’t want to go into much medical detail but I had cancer in my right mandible (jawbone). Early this year, I had surgery to remove the bone and some surrounding soft tissue and reconstruct what was removed using bone and tissue from my leg. I later underwent radiation treatment, once I’d recovered enough from the surgery. I made it through that and seemed to be recovering nicely. I still faced plenty of difficulties, including the burden of knowing that I might have a recurrence of cancer, but had reason to be at least cautiously optimistic that I would resume a normal and hopefully long life. Unfortunately, that’s not to be. Other tumors have turned up and they are incurable and essentially untreatable. There’s a chance that further treatment might buy me a little extra time but it would make me so sick that I’d lose out on the quality of the time I have left. After discussions with my doctors and my 23-year-old daughter, I decided to forgo further treatment, except for palliative care. That was about a month ago and, at the time, the doctors said they thought I had maybe six months to live. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be fully capable of caring for myself and conducting my own affairs, but I’m only counting on another couple of months. Of course, I’ll be glad for anything longer than that, and hope that I’ll remain capable until near the very end.

This has raised many emotional and other issues that I’m dealing with. It’s not pleasant, but I’m doing okay. So is my daughter, Lisa, whom I raised as a single father since she was seven. Her mother, Dee, had all sorts of problems for many years, but has improved greatly over time and she and Lisa have built a good, though mostly long-distance, relationship. In recent years, Dee and I had managed to again become friendly with each other, but not really friends. She came to Texas to visit and to pitch in with Lisa to help me after my surgery. She stayed at my house for three weeks and during that time, we became friends again. I wouldn’t trade the years of life I’d been expecting for that, but it’s nice to have her friendship again, and comforting to know that she is strong enough to be a support` for Lisa when I am gone and that there are no remaining ugly issues between her and me that might in any way interfere with that. I also have a brother who can be a big support, and some sisters who probably can’t.

I have plenty of regrets but I can also draw much satisfaction from the life I’ve led. Perhaps the most satisfying thing is that I know that I will leave behind a daughter who is a more whole and stable person than I was at her age, who will be able to get along well without me, and who seems to be developing into a better person in almost every way than I am.

I’m naturally occupied with making preparations for my death, but I still enjoy many of the same things I have, including reading and occasionally posting here. I’m usually fairly reserved and hesitant to talk about myself, both in real life and on the Internet, but I’m thinking of opening up a bit and posting more, possibly on a variety of topics, while I still can.

It occurs to me that some folks here at GS might wish to discuss various topics associated with death, whether our own or others. I took me a while to decide to post this and I don’t yet know what I might like to post or how far I’d like to delve into this, but I’d be interested in reading what others have to say and willing to respond straightforwardly to any comments or questions, including personal ones. (They won’t offend me and if something does come up that I don’t want to get into, I’ll politely say so.)

I’m not a theist, so I probably won’t be interested in delving too deeply into Biblical or religious discussions, but I don’t consider them completely off limits for myself and I wouldn’t dream of suggesting any topical limits for others. I would, however, appreciate it if anyone who might be so inclined would avoid trying to convince me to accept their religious beliefs. I don’t pray but I understand that some will want to pray for me and I appreciate the heart behind that. Also, I won’t be looking for pity or comfort, but for good conversation that hopefully can get past some of the discomfort that seems to hinder such discussions. I don’t know where this will lead, or how long I’ll be able to post. Except for some severe headaches that I can control with pain medication, I feel pretty good right now and hopefully will for some time to come. I may not post for a few days here and there, but if I go for more than a week or two without posting, I’ll probably not be back.

[TheEvan]

Thank you for the gift of the post, George. I'm filled with grief over the prospect of losing you, even though I don't know you other than through your posts. Through them I know of your reasonableness, intellect, power of expression and breadth of knowledge. I'd also like to say I'm sorry for your daughter.

It's an uncommon gift to know something of your remaining time. We've been down this road more than a few times, and the anticipated death of a loved one has been, without fail, a time of growth and maturing for all of us. You have a great opportunity to give this gift to your daughter, a legacy of your knowledge, memories, secrets if you're inclined, hopes, etc.

When this soaks in a bit more I'll post more. I wish I knew you face to face.

[washingtonweather]

long gone I remember your posts when I first left the way. I am sorry for you for this.

I working on my master's in speech and language and we have talked about cases like yours where large parts of the mouth/tongue or jaw are removed, tracheotomies and so forth. I understand what you have been through. I also have had cancer. Thankfully nothing for 20 years now...I had all my cervix removed and a small section of my uterus. (before I had kids) (they sewed my pregnancies in with huge extension chord like sutures.

All I can say is have making the most of what you left.

Try watching the show "Dead Like Me" on the sci fi channel if you can get it...it sorta brings a sense of humor to it...well, I guess thats a relative comment, but its on on Tuesday early evening.

On a sadder note, I do have a friend that has had to call Hospice 9 times in 6 years for her mother. Every year I watch her have to explain to her daughter's teacher about her mother -- the oldest living lupus patient with alzheimer's -- and how it effects their family as the mother lives in an adjoining apartment with care givers. I sometimes wonder which way to go is worse...I gues the in the sleep is okay, but it is nice to "make peace" with things if you know your time is coming.

[markomalley]

I'm incredibly saddened to hear that, George. Since you did decide to make the decision to forgo further treatment, I hope that you have the opportunity to close out your affairs and will have the comfort of family and friends in the time you have left.

I'm not sure what else to say regarding that. Naturally, you'll be in my prayers. I don't know if there is anything else that any of us could do to help you. Please do let us know, though, if there is.

[Psalm 71 one]

WOW! What a post to read, George/LG! Words are hard to come by.

I don't think death is ever "good", but it is precious for your daughter that you both know and can really value your last days. We had an inkling about our Dad about three months before he died, and in his last weeks, he had good days where we could really talk-- memories, future plans for our children-- his grandchildren. It was a precious time and I cherish it.

While you are still able, write some memories for your daughter. Thoughts while she was growing up-- her first day of school, those kind of things. Everyday type things too. Write about your own life-- your first days of school, etc. Tell her your own thoughts about things--uncertainties, etc. If you can't write it all, tape record yourself. My Dad had done some "tape letters"--where instead of writing us letters, he'd tape himself--ususally while talking to my step mom--they'd banter back and forth. It took me about 3 years to be able to listen, but they are so precious to me now!

I'm one of those who will pray, also :)

[ChattyKathy]

George,

My prayers are yours. I don't know what else to say.

Kathy

[Cynic]

George,

I don’t know what to say, except I’m very sorry. I like you, and have enjoyed your clear-headed posts.

[ex10]

I'm saddend beyond words, George.

[Abigail]

George, I remember you as LongGone and new LG was you also. I am really saddened to hear how sick you are. My mom died of cancer when I was about your daughter's age. My sister and I took care of her at home for as long as we could, even when it meant setting up a hospital bed in her livingroom. It was a hard hard thing to do. But I look back on those days and I am so glad I was given the opportunity to care for her and to make her passing as comfortable as possible. She and I weren't close before she got sick. We weren't really even that close after she got sick, but we were closer.

I second what Psalmie said - write your memories. After my mother died, my sister and I had to clean out her apartment. In doing so, I found a box full of all the letters she had written and received from my step-father (who died about 10 years before her), while they were separated and she was in college. Those letters were the best gift my mother ever could have given to me. They allowed me to see her not as a parent, but as a woman. They allowed me to see the side of her that laughed and cried; who was frightened and faced her fears.

Man, I am sorry to hear this news.

[George Aar]

Geeze, I wish I knew some snappy thing to say to make it all better, but, as you must be all too aware, sometimes life just kinda goes where it wants to.

Although we're basically strangers, I do feel like I've gotten to know you over the years - a little bit anyway. I've always admired your well-tempered common sense and your logical approach to things.

I guess you don't need me telling you, but savor the time you've got. It's nice that you've been able to smooth things out with your wife and get your affairs in order.

Thanks for sharing a bit or yourself with us over the years. You've been a definite plus, and I too am filled with grief at the prospects...

[oenophile]

LG,

After the shock subsided in my mind after reading the first few lines of your post, I read that your thoughts were not for yourself but your gratitude for Lisa, Dee and healing what emotional barriers that may have existed before. Your calm acceptance of what life has dealt you without to cursing God, the Universe or fate is a lesson that I will try to remember when facing my petty challenges in comparison and when I face the reality of my own mortality.

Please be assured that your GSC family is here for you and your family.

Robin

Edited December 21, 2006 by oenophile

[BackForty]

:(

George I am deeply saddened by the news and near speechless. I admire your courage to post this at the cafe. Last night I was reminded of our twig in Texas such a long time ago as I heard a favorite hymm, How Great Thou Art. Lisa was a baby then. I remember Alice L. baby sitting for you and Dee a few times. From the pm's we have shared, I have learned you have done an outstanding job raising Lisa and she has grown into a woman with a good head on her shoulders. What an accomplishment! I tip my hat to you sir! My thoughts are with you and your family. If there is anything I can do please let me know.

Wayne

[Raf]

This is heart-wrenching.

LG, George, Greasespot has given me some wonderful treasures, and I consider your fellowship among them. I would be honored to be able to call you my friend.

I hope you're wrong about theism. I hope I was right when I embraced the concept of incorruptible seed. If I'm right, although you and I have never been in the same room, I know I will recognize you when we see each other face to face.

Enjoy the coming months in peace. You have friends here. You honor us with your words and presence.

For what it's worth, God Bless You, LG.

[polar bear]

Dear George-All I can say is, what honesty, I never saw that in twi. You are loved by many. We will see each other face to face one day.

[Weout1200]

What can one say...

My prayers for you & your family.

[RumRunner]

LG,

I don't know you so please forgive me if I am clumsy with my words.

If you want to just yak and talk I'll be glad to give you an IM address, a cell phone, whatever gives you a place to just talk. I'll listen to whatever you want and most certainly will not yak at you about my belief system which doesn't fit too well in most places anyway.

I know TheEvan well - and if you are someone he looks up to then I am sure I look up to you as well. But regardless of TheEvan the promise still holds. If you want my contact info - you got it - 24/7 man. I'll be listening if ya want or need - just PM me.

Best,

RumRunner

Edited December 21, 2006 by RumRunner

[GarthP2000]

George (Long Gone),

You are indeed one of the most intelligent posters on the board, guy. I'm sorry to hear of these latest developments, and I hope and trust that things go well for you and your family; they sound like good people.

Thank you for all of what you have contributed here; I have learned quite a bit from you.

Peace.

[excathedra]

life sucks death sucks i can't deal

you know how much i love you

[dmiller]

:( :( :(

I-- don't --- know --- what --- to --- say.

Prayers from me, for you -- with no preaching. Promise.

Damn!

[Too Gray Now]

Long Gone (George) -

I have a sense of the morbidity that you may be feeling. I too was diagnosed with cancer about 6 months ago. But I was quite sure for more than 1.5 years.

My Dad died from cancer in his 50s (same age as me) and it was a horrible death that I saw. All of that came back to me when I finally knew for sure. It was like getting all of the wind knocked out of me. I called the family together and told them I was in trouble… because I was. Frankly, I was quite sure I was going to die just like my Dad.

However, over the past 6 months, I have taken a series of steps and my outcome appears to be very, very, good… but I don’t have any smoke blowing up my skirt, either. I know that if I don’t stick to my plan, there is a high chance (about 40% most likely) the cancer will come back again.

My first point is that I know there are other alternatives which your Oncologist can not legally recommend. If you are gathering all your expectations from medical people, then you are most likely being told there is nothing else THEY can do… and technically, they are telling you the truth. But, there are other things that can be done.

Secondly, my doctor told me to get a book “Outsmart Your Cancer” by Tanya Pierce. I did. If you do not have it, I suggest you get it.

But let me say it as straight as I can: after settling on one of the alternative treatments discussed in the book – you will find it will either work - or - it will not work for you (since nothing is 100%). In your case, you may not have time to try more than one or two separate approaches (assuming the first one fails).

However, it is important that you know these alternatives are not long shots, either. Frankly, the outcomes of post-op therapies offered by traditional medicine are spelled out early in the book. They are pathetic in the vast majority of cases. All of the current non-toxic treatments discussed have a much higher rate of benefit than chemo or radiation.

My last point is: although your doctors may have thrown in the towel, at least in regards to what they can do – know this - There is still time.

Email me at kweeks@mindspring.com if you want to discuss any of this and I will call you as soon as I am able to do so.

Warmest regards,

Kris.

[doojable]

Once again - so many emotions and so few words.

I will certainly pray for you and your family.

I'd say to do whatever it is that brings you peace.

I don't know you- but I do know a lot of folks here that have extended a loving hand to you - you must be a real gem of a person.

[simonzelotes]

George,...for what it's worth,thank you for your post....It is news that we all hate to hear,...yet it is the reality of things---life and death...I could not begin to fathom what you are going through...Yet,somehow I feel,---I guess I could use the word 'honored', to be part of the extended family that you have chosen to bear the the depths of your soul with...In sharing your lot,as you have,there seems to be nothing left to hide behind---nothing else to any longer be afraid of....There are people I have been acquainted with my entire life that I feel I don't know as well as I now know you...Your choosing to reveal your fate to us has left us with revelations that few ever get to see...

I suppose after the shock subsides a little,perhaps some will engage in normal every day discussion around here with you--maybe it will be therapeutic,even though most anything seems trivial about now...Should you choose to toss anything in the way of your heart or feelings,or just what you happen to be thinking about on a particular day out here,I,for one, hope I can interject even a little something--anything,to brighten your day a little...

[Mister P-Mosh]

I'm sorry to hear this LG. I don't really know what to say, but I wish you and your family the best of luck and I hope that you surprise yourself and your doctors with your longevity.

[Mark Sanguinetti]

Sorry to hear the news George. I think you are taking this with great courage and dignity. Of course, I am the prayerful type (believe it or not after our many jousts on the political forum). I will be praying for you now rather than arguing with you about politics. You are now on the top of my prayer list.

[rhino]

Hi George ...

You are one of the voices I always look forward to reading in the politics forum. Your knowledge and level headedness is always appreciated. Now I know I knew you from Texas ... I was the 9th Corps guy there ... I remember now that you struck me as a "thinker" even then. I probably offered little real help to you and Dee, but hopefully did no harm. It seems you did well raising Lisa. I never had children but can imagine that must give you great satisfaction. It seems good the three of you can be united now.

Alice L that Wayne mentioned is the only ex twi person that I have kept contact with over the years. She has become a quilter of some notoriety in Maine, where she had a couple more kids after she left Texas. I spoke with her just a week ago.

We'll see what transpires here in this thread ... I'll look forward to the discussions with you.