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You Know Your Church Is Redneck if...


Belle
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The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

When they learn that Jesus fed 5000 people with two fish, folks ask whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding".

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear?"

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The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear?"

Hahahahahahahahah...aaaawwwhaahaaha...snort....hahahahahahaha...snort, snort.....aaawwwwwhahahaha

Thank you Belle! I needed that!

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Communion wine is corn squeszings(spring tonic from the still)

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You keep a good stock of matches, because not only do you love, honor and obey the little lady, your wedding vows in church also have a clause that you will provide her with all the furs she ever would want..

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You know your church is redneck if:

Your church offers you beer instead of wine for communion!!!!

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Great thread, thanks Belle!

At Sunday school your uncle teaches on the Commandments using 10 of his tattoos as visual aids.

Celebrate Good Friday by placing empty beer cans in the shape of a cross – called a “Brewcifix.”

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On the First Redneck Church Bulletin Board:

The Christmas Season is almost upon us. Once again, we’re going to do our famous live Nativity scene and need volunteers for the following: Three wise men to sit in the ’57 Chevy up on blocks. Attire should be appropriate – camouflage in a red and green pattern. Wise men are to supply their own props – 12 pack of beer and beef jerky – please do not open the beer or eat the beef jerky – these are gifts for the baby Jesus. Mary and Joseph to huddle over the baby Jesus laying in the Sears Kenmore Dryer. This year we’d prefer a woman who is not 7 months pregnant to play Mary. Anyone sporting prominent tattoos may qualify for the role of Joseph as long as the tattoos are in the spirit of the season. We’d like to have Cletus’ bird dog reprise his role as the baby Jesus – since he took so well to napping in the dryer last year.

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On the First Redneck Church Bulletin Board:

The Christmas Season is almost upon us. Once again, we’re going to do our famous live Nativity scene and need volunteers for the following: Three wise men to sit in the ’57 Chevy up on blocks. Attire should be appropriate – camouflage in a red and green pattern. Wise men are to supply their own props – 12 pack of beer and beef jerky – please do not open the beer or eat the beef jerky – these are gifts for the baby Jesus. Mary and Joseph to huddle over the baby Jesus laying in the Sears Kenmore Dryer. This year we’d prefer a woman who is not 7 months pregnant to play Mary. Anyone sporting prominent tattoos may qualify for the role of Joseph as long as the tattoos are in the spirit of the season. We’d like to have Cletus’ bird dog reprise his role as the baby Jesus – since he took so well to napping in the dryer last year.

Now why may I ask do I get such a clear picture in my mind of this Nativity scene? Maybe I've seen something like it before..hmm could be... :biglaugh:

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  • 1 month later...

Great thread-this sounds like fun.

Your church is a redneck church if-

-the confessional doubles as a photo booth.

-there is more teeth in the sermon in the front row.

-the minister says "git er done" at the end of each exhortation.

-"arm wrestling" is the big draw at church picnics.

-the last supper was "beer and pizza".

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  • 3 weeks later...

You think Sherlock Holmes is a

housing project down in Biloxi.

You think a stock tip is

advice on worming' your hogs.

You think TACO BELL is

the Mexican Phone Company

You got stopped by a state trooper.

He asked you if you had an I.D.

And you said, 'Bout What?'

Non

Athletic

Sport

Created

Around

Rednecks

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You hooked up with your present girlfriend

as a result of a message on the wall of

the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

The centerpiece on your dining room table

is an original signed work

by a famous taxidermist.

You think a quarter horse is

a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

You think the last words to

The Star Spangled Banner are

"Gentlemen, start your engines."

You believe dual air bags refer

to your wife and mother-in-law.

You think the OJ Trial was a

Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you

show them your belt buckle.

You think the three primary colors are

John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.

Your wife has ever said,

"Come move this transmission

so I can take a bath."

You think loading the dishwasher

means getting your wife drunk.

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies

are two of the major food groups.

You stare at an orange juice container

because it says, "CONCENTRATE".

YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT

IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER.

Anyone in your family died right

after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

That billboard that says,

"SAY NO TO CRACK"

reminds you to pull up your jeans.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Jack Daniels makes your list

of "Most Admired People"

When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered

and your momma thought it was a gift from God.

You think a woman who is

"out of your league"

bowls on a different night.

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  • 5 months later...

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

When they learn that Jesus fed 5000 people with two fish, folks ask whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

Aint' this a hoot! Being a redneck, I guess this pretty well has us pegged.

You have got to give us rednecks credit cause we can always laugh at ourselves and the only time you will hear us talk about the ACLU is when they play IU.

Most rednecks I know are very hard working, honest folks. They would probably be the first to stop and help you while others just pass you by.

Can you imagine what would happen if this were directed toward any other group.

Having said that..... please keep the jokes coming, I really do enjoy them and maybe I can use them in my next sermon.

I bet my redneck daughters can out spit or fart louder than any of you.

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