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What is it like to be in a relationship where you are loved?


Dot Matrix
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When I was about 21, a buddy of mine took his own life.

He had told me he felt all alone in the world and that no one loved him.

Holy Schlamoly! There weren't enough seats in the church for everyone that turned out for the funeral.

If I had opened up a kleenex concession, I could have made a fortune trying to dry all the tears there that day.

It was too late for him to see it.

Point is, it was all about perception, not reality.

His perception was way off the mark in terms of reality.

If you really love someone, let them know.

And maybe, just maybe, someone will do the same for you.

But even if they don't, it's all about perception.

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I felt pretty much like Polar Bear, uh, until the wife walked out.

I thought we had a great marriage, not a good one. What did I know? Obviously, not much.

I think there tends to be a schism between the sexes that's just hard to bridge. We think differently. Men tend to think logically, pragmatically. Women tend to think - hell I don't know how they think. It just seems to be real f'ed up, that's all I know.

I don't know of any marriages that I really envy now. A few that I thought were great, now are no more, so what does that say? And those that are surviving seem to do so in a really strained, stoic manner. Like they're taking their medicine, but not enjoying it all that much.

So I've become more than a little disillusioned about the whole concept. I don't "Believe in Love" or any other storybook notions anymore. If two people can manage to live together and actually enjoy the arrangement over the long haul, I think they are incredibly fortunate. It certainly doesn't seem normal or even natural for that to be the result of any union.

I've gotten to the point now where, when I hear a wedding announcement, all I can think of is what it's gonna be like in a few years when the two split up and hate each other's guts. Instead of wishing them well, I just worry that they're setting themselves up for major heartache. Weddings as the first stage of divorce.

Maybe that's too cynical for y'all, but that's where I live currently...

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I have a sister who loves me. we are only one year apart in age, she is aware of my life completly and no matter what happens she loves me.

and i have a friend who doesnt understand me most of the time but i have never ever doubted her love or friendship for even a moment in my life.

and i have a cat that adores me and i think would come home even if i was out of kibble well two cats at home one would go away for awhile and get some food they love me .

my flowers love me, hard to describe my mom says they cant be controlled it is a wild kind of love from my flowers.

God loves me the most always.

my son who is angry at me most of the time would lie down his life if i was in trouble that is love I think.

and everyday i see love give and take it is such a beautiful world really full of all of life and love.

the boy girl sex and who is who is to complicated for me tho.

the guy in the parking lot smiles as he looks in my car that is love i do not know what your talking about in my world i feel love all the time from most everything.

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Maybe its not about falling in love as much as its about staying in love

Dan Folgleberg asks the question - How do we make love stay?

Make Love Stay Lyrics:

Now that we love

Now that the lonely nights are over

How do we make love stay?

Now that we know

The fire can burn bright or merely smolder

How do we keep it from dying away?

Elusive as dreams

Barely remembered in the morning

Love like a phantom flies

But held in the heart

It pales like the emply smile adorning

A statue with sightless eyes.

Moments fleet, taste sweet within the rapture

When precious flesh is greedily consumed

But mystery’s a thing not easily captured

And once deceased not easily exhumed.

Now that we love

Now that the lonely nights are over

How do we make love stay?

Moments fleet, taste so sweet within the rapture

When precious flesh is greedily consumed

But mystery’s a thing not easily captured

And once deceased not easily exhumed.

Now that we loved

Look at the moonless night and tell me

How do we make love stay?

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OK

Now I see where you are going with this.

I misunderstood.

You are not talking about "love" , you are talking about "being in love".

(Or more specifically, about someone "being in love" with you)

Well, I've never been the kind of guy that women swoon over.

So I guess I kinda understand your question.

Still, I guess my wife must have seen something in me because we've been together 25 years now.

I'll take "love" over "being in love" any day of the week.

But to answer your question:

Nope. I don't think I've ever had that "snowflake" kind of experience but I'm glad for you that you did.

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I mean loved as well as in love -- but with a member of the opposite sex who does not have paws or fins

I am glad you feel loved over 25 years rather than had one snow flake moment, that is much better.

I am not being clear Waysider

I mean have you ever been in a relationship with a human being of the opposite sex and been loved? Cherished? Treasured? Been the spark in someone's eye?

Edited by Dot Matrix
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The same guy - snowflake Mike-

One fall, the brightly colored leaves framed our play with delightful reds and yellows. We raked up piles of the ones on the ground. Then, leaped into the piles, throwing them at each other, jumping and playing. They stuck to the wool of our over-sized sweaters and the smell of them lingered for the remainder of the day.

I loved him and I feel he really loved me.

And who wouldn't love him? He played guitar and sang. He was hsysterically funny and when we were together we played off each other like a comedy team. He raced motorcycles on a track complete with fans. His family owned their own business. He was fun, handsome and very charasmatic.

We had those magic moments people read about in books. He looked at me and the earth stopped spinning and I was important to him.

Then of course we broke up cause we were young and he cheated on me....

So, I know how it felt to be loved.

I am unsure if I ever was cared for like that again. I think people SAID they loved me, but I never felt it. I just felt in the way or like a piece of furniture

I think you feel loved in your relationship Waysider. That is great, it may not be a magic moment but a series of "loving" years. You are a lucky man.

Maybe we are just talking about love.... being in it....making it last.... If you are in it now.... If you have ever really felt loved.....

One of my friends LOVED a guy who was killed in Viet Nam. She married and had three kids with a man she liked. But she didn't love him and he never really loved her. She is the more common example of relationships I have seen.

I did not see your last reply -- I was typing mine to your previous post.

I would not say you are lucky to never have been the spark in someone's eyes.

But you are lucky to have 25 years of "love"

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There's God's love and man's love. Only God's love will never betray you.

Love is real. It's one of many appetites we are born with. We all desire being in a love relationship with someone. If there's proportionate give and take, it will work. But if someone you love betrays you, it will be all the harder to approach such a relationship the same way. I think the betrayal factor is why a lot of us have such issues with TWI. It's hard to give if you think everybody's out to take from you and run.

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I think love during a courtship is different than long time married love. Not better or worse, just different. Courtship is full of excitement and hope for the future and joy to know your feelings are shared.

I do think long married couples can approach that type of feeling while on a special date or vacation, when they are not being interrupted by kids and bills and this or that minor life crisises. But we all live right in the middle of real life, with ups and downs, health problems, financial situations, children issues, getting to work on time, laundry, dinner dishes...

I think marrying someone with good character, kindness...that is the important part, (though it wasn't all that important back in the way daze when it was important to marry a 'leader' etc). That will get you through the hard times.

One of the main reasons I married my husband was because he reminded me of my dad in the character department. He was hardworking, kind, generous. He didn't need someone to take care of him, he could take care of himself just fine.

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Dot,

I wondered the same thing when I was in my first marriage...mostly I wondered "Why the hell DO people get married? It SUCKS!!!" I left him, went through a very difficult divorce....all the time thinking "I'll never frigging do THAT again."

EWWW...all I'd seen from marriage and relationships is manipulation. If I don't do it their way, they get angry, pout, whatever... It was like having FIVE children instead of the four I'd given birth to. It was disgusting.

Went to counseling for a few years so that I could figure out what about myself attracted that type of person to me so that it wouldn't happen again.

Then the love of my life showed up.

We'll be married four years this coming April and I know I am loved for who I am, and the look in his eyes is still the snowflake moment.

I've never been happier or more loved or more willing to give love.

(and we've been through some tough times, cuz life is still life....we've had lots of things to deal with together with the kids, we have a bankruptcy ending next month, and I've had some health issues here and there)

Even grocery shopping together is sweet, fun, and loving.

I never knew this kind of love existed. It does.

Don't give up, sweet Dot....just live life maybe get some counseling to help heal your heart ... and one day when you least expect it....a snowflake will show up again.

Edited by Cindy!
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dot--

i was married for almost 25 years, to a lovely person, but i was almost NEVER satisfied with the relationship. eventually, i realized that i didn't HAVE TO be miserable the rest of my life; i still had a chance to be happy. splitting up was the hardest and most heartbreaking thing imaginable, but i am now in a wonderful relationship with a woman who cherishes me and who i cherish right back. (interesting thing about her--we first met in 7th grade, then lost touch. met again freshman year of college, then she dropped out. and we hadn't had any contact for 26 years when i looked her up--and she had recently ended a 20-year relationship. timing!)

Edited by sprawled out
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My parents adored each other. When they married each other they brought a combined number of nine children along with them, and tons of other "baggage". But they were true partners in life. All things were possible to them as long as they did it together. They were married in 1961 and loved each other dearly for the rest of their lives. Daddy fell asleep in 1990 and momma missed his presence for the next 11 years until she also fell asleep.

My grandparents on my mother's side had the same thing. They were married when Grandma was 16 and Grandpa was 19. They stayed together their entire lives. Grandma fell asleep one year and a day after Grandpa...she just didn't want to live without him. She was 87 (I'm pretty sure, could have been 88).

Love is out there...this I know. I just haven't found the one for me yet.

I think Notta has a point...one should be comfortable with themself, they should know themself and maybe then one could know what kind of partner they want. I guess I haven't quite got there yet.

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I had a friend recently tell me her husband said, he feels like he is not lively in her dark shadows anymore after 20 something years....I wont get into details, but I do know it has to do where you place the other in your relationship. I truly felt bad for her husband...but because of leaving the Way, it has opened doors up to more communication.

My father told me at the heels of his death, to make sure I communicate with my husband, he felt it was vital and plays a major role........it goes both ways in a loving relationship...

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Communication in marriage surely has to be a 2-way street. If it doesn't happen in the courtship, I guarantee it won't happen in the marriage. In courtship people are so willing to overlook so much. I overlooked a lot in my first husband. I was 25 and ready to commit my life and love to him. I was willing to talk openly about ANYTHING. I didn't believe in secrets in a marriage. Unfortunately my first husband had many.

3 years in to our marriage, I find out he has a problem with crack cocaine. I found drugs and a glass pipe in a shoe box on his side of the closet. I felt betrayal as if I had found him with another woman. I realized I didn't know him, and he had a part of his life that he didn't tell me about. I was shattered. Then I was ....ed off. I never felt the same. Our marriage had been pretty tumultuous, but I never knew why because I was so naieve about drugs thanks to TWI.

That day I quit feeling so committed to my marriage. I gave him an alternative: rehab or divorce. He chose rehab. I knew nothing about codependecy at that time either. He wanted to be with me because I was like the mother he never had. Trust me; it wasn't a marriage. There was no love, no sex, no sharing. Just 2 people who cared about each other and lived together. That's not the kind of marriage I wanted. I didn't want to bring kids in to that kind of relationship either. It took me 3 more years before I would leave this man.

Once I did leave, that was it. I NEVER looked back. Six months after our divorce he got remarried. He had an abusive relationship with his second wife. They beat each other. Then I found out he married wife #3 shortly after that. I used TWI as an excuse to divorce him. I did hurt him, but I don't regret leaving him. It was the best thing I did for ME. He had an illness, and I couldn't help him. He had to help himself. I lost trust in him. I knew it would be easy for him to run back to his "lover".

I did email him about 3 years ago to tell him my thoughts after I cleared my waybrain and to honestly apologize for the hurt I caused him. The only thing he could say was "You hurt me!!" We had been divorced for 9 years by that point. :rolleyes: He had been married to #3 for 5 years by that point. It showed me how thankful I was to get out of that scenario. I spent a lot of lonely years in my 30s, but it took that amount of time for me to see me. I dealt with not having regular sex; not having companionship, not having someone to share my life. Every day I didn't have those things helped me to become stronger about what I wanted in a relationship. It was that time that showed me my last relationship in TWI was not one that I wanted to pursue marriage in. I KNEW that relationship would end up in divorce. I couldn't do that again. I spent a lot of time talking with God. I vowed to God I would not marry again until I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was right.

When I met my second husband, I was very careful. He seemed "googly-eyed" and crazy about me. I didn't get that way about anyone anymore because I knew that was a phase in most relationships. I wanted to get to the real meat of the relationship. I knew I liked being with him. I knew he was a genuine-hearted person. I knew he was gentle, caring, and loving by nature. It took God telling me in an audible voice to my brain that I was going to marry this guy. I fought that voice because the logic was against my nature.

I couldn't be happier in my life today. I truly owe my happiness to God.

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In my first marriage, I settled for what I thought was love, because at the time I was so darned lonely.

I found myself having to give up my friends, having to give up on cats, having to give up on my dreams - I didn't get to be myself any more.

I thought that I was happy - for a while. Until I figured out that I was far too confined, and that I was never going to be able to do many of the things I wanted to do, at least not without an argument.

She had less than a college education, and I have 2 masters degrees, and yet many things I would say, she just plain wouldn't believe until she heard it from someone else.

She often told me that until she knew me, she had never felt loved before, not even from her parents.

I was very empty, but I didn't really know it at the time.

Then along came Cindy! and my life changed completely.

The first time I put my arm around her, we both felt that we were "home" for the first time.

Since getting with Cindy, I've found that I have the freedom to explore who I really am, and who I want to become.

We are havens for each other.

I can have the crappiest day going, but as soon as I see the light in my Cindy!'s eyes, it's all forgotten.

We'll see Hollywood depictions of love and marriage, and we'll both think, "These people are living SO far below what they could have!"

We now know the reasons for marriage.

Every day is a new day with my Cindy! and being with her never gets old.

Just my 2 cents.

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Great posts

Cindy and Steve --- sweet.

Sprawled Out -- I am really happy for you!

Pirate --- I have missed you

Really everyone -- great heart.

I guess sometimes we settle -- fear of being alone

OR whatever....

And To love that much --- one has to willing to hurt that much.

Notta

Thanks for sharing that

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Here's the words to a song I wrote a long time ago that seem to fit this thread.

------------------------------------------

Morning finds us once again,

Asleep as though we're one.

Sheltered in each other's arms,

Our blanket is the sun.

Soon I wake and kiss your forehead,

Lingering for a while.

Looking out upon the day,

I turn and see you smile.

Time goes by so slowly.

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