Freedom at Last

[Nero]

I know this is stupidly long – but bear with me. XP

I grew up with Way Corps parents. Unlike some parents in twi they treated us really well. They were the kind of parents that would let us play a video game but remind us that it wasn’t like real life – there are no continues etc etc.

I think the only thing I could say my parents lacked – was protecting us from people in twi. Maybe it was just me. My brothers got some flack – they recall just a couple times with having problems with other members – which is why one of my ‘ittle bros can forgive them for almost anything.

I won’t even try to type out every single time I was mentally abused or physically abused for something as simple as not smiling enough to being accused of thinking a certain way (even though I didn’t). I did love fellowship though… everyone believed they had the right to “correct me” whenever the hell they felt like it. It ranged from smacking me around (away from my parents) to saying some of the worst thing imaginable (also away from my parents). Maybe it was the way I presented myself but I seem to be a magnet for sadistic adults who always wanted a child of their own to destroy. When I was younger I thought it was normal – so I never said a thing thinking I deserved it.

When I got older (and started thinking more) I began questioning it. They were invading my space, telling me everything I should do. They were stomping on me even when I agreed with them. I couldn’t understand it. I began telling my parents what was happening and they didn’t do anything because they were afraid they would be thrown out.

Then there was the whole friend issue…

Having friends in twi became just as painful as having friends out in the “real world.” After you lose one good friend after another you just stop caring about making new ones. You either get moved around every year or they move you to another fellowship or your friend’s parents becomes a marked-and-avoid and you can’t see them anymore.

If I did try to make friends at my school – twi talk made it difficult for me to express myself. Either that or our rigid belief system pretty much cut out most of the student body from being friend material. I never had any bad thoughts about those people surprisingly. I just didn’t want to get in trouble.

If I went fellowship – I either met children just as quiet as myself or children who were just as eager to jump on me for every little sound or movement as their parents were. In fact, the worst time in my school life came from when I had two other fellowship children attending the same school. They made sure to isolate me from everyone else and at the same time, never spend any time with me.

If I made a friend in fellowship, or even loved them it seemed they were mark-and-avoided almost instantly thereafter. I was young and stupid so I thought that the moment I began to love someone they would go away. I had a boyfriend and his family was thrown out. I had a crush on someone and his family was thrown out. I’d made a good friend. Tossed. I would just talk to someone: bye bye. So I tried to avoid making relationships.

It was easy to retreat into myself (I even do this today) when things get boring or rough. If anyone has ever seen the French Film Amélie – it would be something like that. She was an isolated child so she made the best of it. She made up imaginary friends to play with and love. I did the same. After all – why would I bother trying to make friends when they would be gone in less than a year? I could make them up in my head and the feeling would be the same right? (I sound crazy) This isn’t to say I didn’t make acquaintances to talk with sometimes it was just very difficult to make a deep friendship. At least I’m better at making friends now even if I do occasionally visit la-la-land. P.S. La-la-land inspires me to write a lot – so I guess it’s not too bad. And I guess it’s good I have an imagination?

Then there was LCM…

I never knew what LCM was about. I never even knew he lost his temper and threw fits. My parents would always watch something before we did and I guess if he was being generally disgusting they wouldn’t let us see it. The only time I ever saw or heard him he was pretty calm and only seemed to get excited about what he was saying. (Just like any other priest). They silently disliked him but never talked to us (my brothers and I) about it. They never showed us what he was really like. They never told us anything – they just hid it.

So I thought he was a decent person.

When the newspaper came out (which I didn’t get to read) I had no idea he raped anyone much less several people. I was told that it was an affair (a one time thing) and that he apologized for it. My brain couldn’t comprehend why he was being thrown out. Why weren’t we doing the whole “forgive and forget thing” that was drilled into me for years. I even cried for him because I thought that everyone was being mean to him. My parents were suddenly saying, “He is why our ministry got this bad. Blah blah blah…”

I didn’t understand.

They didn’t explain anything to me at all even then.

I feel more betrayed by my parents than LCM – because I wasn’t allowed to even see him as he really was. I still love them btw even though my opinion of LCM has hit and wonderfully all time low.

I was angry at him – yes – because of the horrible things he did. But what bothers me more is that no one said anything while it was happening! Then years later they still didn't explains things.

Let’s see…

My father moved us away from a close fellowship in 2001. That was the hardest time in my life because I didn’t understand how not to go to those blasted cult meetings. Although it seemed nice for some strange reason. I’ve been slowly deprogramming every since.

I met my future husband 2002. I never required my boyfriend (who wanted to marry me) to go to fellowship for the rest of their lives but I wanted them to take the foundational class just so they knew what I grew up with and what I believed (cough).

He was the only one who went through it (I’m sorry honey). I was ashamed of it actually. When I went – I couldn’t believe the things that were said. We both have gay friends and I expected twi’s ideas of homosexuality would be brief but it turned into the whole class. My youngest brother was disgusted – left and didn’t go back. I and my husband watched in horror as the teacher brandished his little (big) knife talking about how much he hated homosexuals.

The last time I went near a fellowship was when I was trying to bring my littler (but not the littlest) brother home because he was hurt and they treated me I was some seed woman trying to keep him from going to fellowship. We would have driven him there ourselves… but after the way they treated us…

I was married a week or so later.

That was two years ago. So ended my twenty-something years in twi...

Back to LCM…

Up until a month or so ago my parents have been saying the same thing about LCM – how horrible he made things. I even went to the Advanced Class and they said it as well. It didn’t make any sense to me at all. It sounded like they were just making him out to be a fall-guy for all of their failings. All I knew what the ministry had always sucked and if it weren’t for the world being rightly divided (roflicopter!) that I would have left it much sooner.

So anyways…

About a month or so ago… I found I couldn’t believe in God anymore. I was always told that he was wonderful and whatnot. If bad things happened it was because of our believing. So I’ve been believing and believing and believing baby… but nothing good ever came of it. I kept persecuting myself for not believing enough. Then I realized… wait a moment. When I was very young, I believed in God completely and when I prayed for things to get better (I dunno… maybe to get put into a decent fellowship were the coordinator wasn’t grabbing my arm and leaving a mark?) So if he allowed such horrible things to happen to me in his own ministry (lol) when I was young and innocent that there was no way he could exist for me. Some think this is a silly reason – but whatever.

I told my friends and family about it in as loving of a way as I could – and that they could still talk about God with me. It’s not really a big deal for someone to talk about God – after all… I’ve been doing it my whole life.

My mother cried. My brother shrugged. My friend still in twi had something of a violent reaction – I don’t think she saw it coming so I think it upset her. We talked about it and we’re still friends – she was just upset that the things I learned in twi made me come to this conclusion. Then I talked to my cousin which was so wonderful because she too had lots of problems with twi. She mentioned The Way being a cult. I sort of sat there for a second with a dumb expression on my face: “say what?” although I believed her almost instantly. (We were always taught it wasn’t).

She directed me here and it’s been crazy ever since. I’ve been checking out the articles and posts and wanting to vomit for the things I’ve seen in general. But it is good. I’ve actually been able to feel for the past few weeks. Sound weird? I’ve stored all of my thoughts – everything that was ever done to me was totally deserved. Forgive and forget? But what happens when they never asked for forgiveness in the first place? So I just tried to forget instead.

I’ve been so angry. I feel incredibly betrayed. But it’s still good. Instead of ignoring how I felt suddenly I realized it was okay to feel that way. I shouldn’t feel guilty.

I was also a little embarrassed about posting something. I was worried I might sound whiney or something. But I guess if someone can be so brave and come forward and tell the world that someone raped or molested them then I can come forward and tell them how they abused me.

I also feel lucky. I was never sexually abused and I’ve never had to see a friend die. My parents also didn’t neglect me to the degree some parents had – only with twi. I am so grateful for that. Things could have been so much worse for me. But It hurts to see others had to go through such things.

This is kind of corny but I wanted to think all those who came forward with your stories – it’s made it easier to share my own. You are so brave. Even if some people don’t - I believe you.

[Belle]

(((((Nero)))))

You sweet thing, you! I'm glad that you had parents who tried to protect you from as much as they knew how to. I'm glad that you're free at last! I'm glad that you have a cousin who listens and understands and told you about us. I'm glad you shared your story (feels good to write it all out, doesn't it?)

It's a process and it can be very overwhelming at times. A few books that helped me make sense of things are, "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves" and "Why People Believe Weird Things". Others will have other books that have helped them. If you'd like, you should be able to get any of these books at your local library and, if they are not at the library ask the librarian for help ordering them via interlibrary loan.

Also, please feel free to private message me any time. :)

I'm really glad you're here.

See, I even baked a mixed berry pie, just for you!

Edited October 18, 2007 by Belle

[anotherDan]

I second Belle's emotion. You are wonderful! Thank you for sharing your story. It was heartbreaking, but inspirational!

La-la-land inspires me to write a lot – so I guess it’s not too bad. And I guess it’s good I have an imagination?

It is good! And you write very "naturally." I mean, it's like sitting here listening to you. Not everyone can pull that off.

Like Belle, you are welcome to contact me any time. You are precious! Let the healing process begin!

[Ca_dreaming]

Enjoyed your story, you are in my prayers,

let the healing begin!

[Suda]

Welcome to the cafe. Thanks for sharing your story.

Suda

[likeaneagle]

Ditto on Suda's lament.

Alot of support here for you Nero..this is your safety zone....there are alot of seasoned folks here who have a heart to listen....I found myself in your "Spot" as far as leadership and doctrine protecting LCM , It was very very shocking to find out the truth's from the newspaper articles amongst other doc's and pieces of info...

Edited October 19, 2007 by likeaneagle

[Eyesopen]

Welcome to the Spot Nero. I am so happy that you found your way out. It is a hard road for many but you have made the first step by getting on the road and motivating away from the bad thing. Kudos!

If I can be of any assistance to you in any way please do not hesitate to PM me.

[RainbowsGirl]

Thank You Dear(((((Nero)))),

Your sharing Your Story and Your Heart will help others too!; Just as others have helped you! May God help You to heal your Heart and Mind and teach You all that is right and true!

Encore!,encore! and Bravo! to everyone who has and uses their imagination for good! It can help you through a lot of wildernesses and help you to express and deal with the many slings and arrows in this life dished out on every avenue by developing strategies and resources to strengthen and carry You through Your whole life! Dreaming isn't bad either, if it comes from a pure and loving heart! Dream new and beautifully true dreams Nero, and make this world a better place with Your impact!

When I was reading Your Story it dislodged this memory:(I hope You don't mind my sharing it, perhaps it will give a lessen to someone)

In one of the fellowships I attended, I was asked to put my son in the car to wait until the fellowship was over. He was being restless not really that disruptive and that night it was only myself, my son and the Corp Co-ordinator in attendance.

She wanted Him to behave better and for me to increase my believing, though it was very much against my heart and better judgment I did as she requested. The reasons will become clear as you read this account! I Loved Her and I still do (Patti) and I know that she had meant only good to come of this and believed whole hearted what she was taught. I knew She and I both knew that God is more than equal to any situation to guard and help us I always understood that it was GOD not me believing it but believing GOD would do it!

This was a most particularly hard for me to blatantly do request; and to trust GOD to watch over Him...as it was a first time thing. After all, It was and is my job as his Loving Mom and friend to prevent situations like this, not creating them!

Dear (((Nero)))) like your parents and many others in TWI, I was looking for the missing link or links that we needed for our particular deliverances! You see my son has a rare chromosome deletion, autistic traits and tendencies, an attention span primarily of about two minutes, and needs total one on one care and does not process speech or fine and gross motor activity well and all of the other manifestations and complications of this deletion (This is not to say that He has not received healing throughout His life)! I was all too used to hearing these heartbreaking requests and persecutions for not being able to believe GOD that He was restored to wholeness and soundness throughout the 25 0dd years of isolation within TWI!

In former requests we would just moved to another room or listen outside a door; but this time was different the Corp Co-ordinator wanted me to stay and put him downstairs in the car, where I could neither see or hear him and even worse he could not see or hear me! I was scared out of my mind taking Him down there it was a pitch black night! I had been so broken hearted on a daily basis; I guess I was too blinded too not seek a remedy...sadly not the right one!

I prayed to GOD as I always had when I didn't know what else for certain to do! I prayed that he would protect and guard my son and keep Him safe as he had always done and still always does! I prayed that GOD would talk to Him and comfort and hold Him! I told them both how much I loved Them! I covered my son up, rubbed His back and head, and told Him to sleep here and wait...that I would be back SOON and that GOD was with Him(He knows GOD well); and then locked Him in knowing that GOD would lock all harm away from Him. I knew that God was Love and that He had so many other countless times and ways protected, guarded and heals Us Both!

GOD did protect and guard my Son to my great relief and joy as I ran down immediately to him at the end of Her teaching...I told GOD and my Dear SON that this request would never again be honored as well as any other ungodly requests!

In retrospect it was not a wise decision on my part at all and I will alway regret making it, yet I will always be THANKFUL to GOD knowing a little about how Enormous GOD truly LOVES Us ALL!

I thoroughly understand the use of imagination as You have described it; I have honed it down to a fine art in my life. Whether it be in TWI or any other part of the world we are often hurt and isolated in our circumstance; But GOD has always been there to Shelter, Comfort and Protect us! Man's countless inhumanities to mankind are long standing on any front; It has been from the beginning and will last until the end of this world! This isn't a fault of God to allow us freedom of will. It is a fault of man not to discipline himself enough to walk in the Love Light, Wisdom, Knowledge and Understanding that is available for Him to walk in! I don't blame GOD for the treacheries of man! We all fall short!

Incidentally, my Son is a PFAL Grad and I am very proud of Him in all respects. I raised Him from birth in GOD's word...not in TWI influences for the most part! They, TWI's man-made standards, were always as unacceptable to us as we were to them and their heartless cruelties!

to the Café! Have and a Cup of Coffee with me!

I Love You Nero, RainbowsGirl

Nero, Please remember GOD's Heart!!!

[nyunknown]

Welcome aboard nero! The GSC is for ex-wayers but also for ones who never joined the way like myself. I was almost taken in by them but I had the presence of mind not to join them. I am so glad I did not! Feel free to express yourself here. Its good for you, and it had helped a lot of members here. Even the ones who you may disagree with. At least here you will be respected. I know it must be hard for you to leave something that you though was so important to you and what twi had turned into. Human being are flawed its not the religion it self its the people who run them. Keep one thing in mind No religion had an monoply on God. God had an monoply on everyone.

[excathedra]

dearest nero, i'm like stunned reading your post

everything that was ever done to me was totally deserved

that's me to a "t"

and

This is kind of corny but I wanted to think all those who came forward with your stories – it’s made it easier to share my own. You are so brave. Even if some people don’t - I believe you.

that's about the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me on here

you take care of yourself

[waysider]

Hi, Nero

It's good to see you here.

It takes time to unravel all the knots and snarls in our thinking that were conceived and nurtured in TWI.

A lot of this stuff has very little to do with doctrines, such as 4 crucified, and lots and lots to do with how we lived on a day to day basis.

There are lots of helpful and compassionate people here(and your usual assortment of hard-heads too)

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

You can always shoot somebody a PM if you don't want to discuss something publicly.

[DogLover]

Welcome, Nero!

You are loved and cared about here ... but most of all by God, our Father. The most heinous thing the Way did to us, in my opinion, was to take that which we loved, God and His Word, and twist it and use it against us. It is a testimony to God's goodness and our own perseverence that we made it through. Putting one's life together after cult involvement is a difficult thing, but I think you will find that if you can find a group of loving people (Christians would be great, but people who share the same interests as you and like you for you can be wonderful also) ... that life will be easier and more enjoyable.

And, in keeping with my screen name, get yourself a dog if you can ... a lovable Labrador or other such loving beast as will greet you unconditionally and always think you are the greatest thing since sliced bread ... and you are!

DogLover

Edited October 21, 2007 by DogLover

[Nero]

Thank you very much for all the replies. Sorry about the lateness of my own reply - I don't have access to the internet during the weekend. =D *hug hug*

Lots of the posts definitely helped out as far as understanding what was running through my parents' heads. I feel bad for wondering why they did what they did. Maybe when I said I resented them - it was too strong of a word?

This site has been sooo helpful - especially some of the articles - very eye opening! I think one of my biggest moments growing up was when my mother was talking about "the good old days of the way" and realized: I never had the "good old days of the way" hehe. Now looking at this site and talking with them... my parents "good old days" seemed just as bad as my bad days too.

Oh Belle! Thanks for the mixed berry pie and all the kind words. I'll try to check out those books you mentioned - I need all of the help I can get. I even talked to my husband about going to see a shrink.

nyunknown - I'm so glad you didn't get into it. I've seen them tear down so many good people. As far as what it "turned into" it was already a horrible place when I was in it hehe. I just had no idea how badley I was being treated until I got out.

Doglover - oh! Another doggy! (I looove that idea) <3 I might be getting another one soon. My cousin is talking about giving me her spaniel. He will fit in nicely with my Old English Sheepdog and my kitties and ferrets. All of which are hyper velcro pets hehe. <3 I love my little darlings - they definitely help out a lot with my stress levels and keep me on my toes. <3 What kind(s) of dog(s) do you have?

Thanks again for all of the coffee, food and prayers.

[Belle]

Thank you very much for all the replies. Sorry about the lateness of my own reply - I don't have access to the internet during the weekend. =D *hug hug*

Post when you can and when you feel like it. No rules about that - we're just happy to see folks whenever they have time to stop by for a cuppa java. :)

Lots of the posts definitely helped out as far as understanding what was running through my parents' heads. I feel bad for wondering why they did what they did. Maybe when I said I resented them - it was too strong of a word?

Naww... not too strong. It's natural to have conflicted emotions ranging from utterly peeved at them, to feeling sorry for them, to wondering what the H they were thinking, to being proud of them. It's all good and it's just part of the process. ^_^

This site has been sooo helpful - especially some of the articles - very eye opening! I think one of my biggest moments growing up was when my mother was talking about "the good old days of the way" and realized: I never had the "good old days of the way" hehe. Now looking at this site and talking with them... my parents "good old days" seemed just as bad as my bad days too.

LOL! Some people DID have "good old days" and, like Goey's signature, some of those "good old days" weren't really all that good, in reality.

Oh Belle! Thanks for the mixed berry pie and all the kind words. I'll try to check out those books you mentioned - I need all of the help I can get. I even talked to my husband about going to see a shrink.

Finding the right therapist and getting professional help has been one of THE BEST things I ever did for myself. I can't recommend it enough - but you do want to make sure it's someone who's qualified and right for you.

I took my therapist a copy of Steve Hassan's Releasing the Bonds on our first meeting. Told him he'd need to read that as it's what I'm looking for someone to help me do. :)

Reading your other posts, Nero, you seem to be doing just fine. You've got an incredible sense of humor and quite frequently have me chuckling over here. Keep on keeping on, you're doing great!

[Nottawayfer]

Nero,

How sad some of the things you experienced. I was in TWI for 20 years as well, but I started at age 19. I can't imagine what it was like to be a kid growing up in The Way. I can't imagine the things kids have exerienced in the cult on top of dealing with every day kid things.

Bless your heart. I can see it's big.

[JeffSjo]

I'M ON YOUR SIDE NERO,100%