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Stepford Wayfer Syndrome


Belle
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I wonder if there have been studies on anything like "Stepford Wife Syndrome". I know there's the Stockholm Sydrome, the Stanford Prison Experiment and brain washing studies, but I kinda think some of us went through a hell just a wee bit different that those two kinds of things.

Like, what are the effects and consequences of living a double life? For me, I was going to TWI meetings, teaching, leading, going witnessing, running classes and living the life of a good little wayfer. Slowly I began to resent having to devote so much of my time and life to TWI. I began to internally cringe and disagree with some of what was being taught and a lot of how I saw people being treated.

Then, I found WayDale and was shocked. Utterly dismayed and horrified at what I found. I was terrified of being possessed just from looking at the site, but so reassured that my doubts and questions were valid ones.

Eventually, I began to post and I tried to share what I had learned with my then husband, but he was terrified. I don't know if he was terrified of having HIS fears confirmed or of getting possessed and/or kicked out of TWI.

I quickly learned that I could not blatantly share what I had read with him, but did start studying the inaccuracies in TWI doctrine and teaching, as best I could, about those errors in fellowship. I tried to share my research on debt with my husband. I tried to share so much of what I was learning from WayDale, and then Greasespot with him, but he would have none of it.

Five years - FIVE YEARS - I tried to get him to "wake up" and see what a farce that group is. Five years I led a double life - happy, smiling, oh-so-blessed TWIt - and, at work, insurgent - revealing every thing I could about what was going on within the walls of TWI and working with others (thank you Oak and Abi!) on wrapping my brain around all the wrong teaching, figuring out who Belle really is, how to eradicate way-brain, grow past the abuse, etc.... I was living two lives! I was two totally different people all day long, every day, for five years.

It took its toll on me. I tried to quit visiting the cafe, but I could not/would not immerse myself into that cesspool of an organization again. I could see "normalcy" on the horizon and knew I would never be able to get there if I stayed with TWI. I just couldn't bring myself to cut the ties. I knew my marriage would be over if I did. Which begs the question of what kind of marriage did I have anyway if my leaving TWI would mean divorce....

Cognitive Dissonance is what they call it. And I did not make the choice - I was "found out" and kicked out. Then, because of the tension that caused, my husband left me. I took the coward's way out. I wonder if I'd still be playing that game if I hadn't gotten caught and confronted - like the robber who wants to get arrested, maybe? I wonder how mentally unstable, insane and drunk I'd be today if I was still trying to live two lives - the real me and the TWIt me.

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"Took the coward's way out"?

This is simply not the way I see things at all. You fought to find out why that inner voice was screaming at the top of it's lungs.

You went against "company policy" at TWI to find out wtf was going on.

You tried to hold a marriage together and in the midst of it all, while you were struggling to keep all your balls in the air, someone threw a hand grenade at you.

It's not cowardly to be smart.

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I'm sorry you had to live a double life Belle. =( That must have been very difficult. But like everyone else has said - you are no coward. If anyone - your husband was one for not sticking by you. You were his wife! Maybe it's just the atheist in me talking but: Wife/Husband > Church everytime.

I remember the last time I had a confrontation with someone in the Way (right before I was married actually). They treated my husband like some dangerous posseso. I knew this because of a few key words pumpkin mentioned when he told me what they said to him out of my earshot.

There was no way I was going to put up with them treating him like that - I cussed the bastages out, packed my bro up and left.

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Belle, I think that God led you out one step at a time.

Maybe it was time, maybe he knew that your loyalty to your husband and marriage would keep you imprisoned in twi for the rest of your life. Maybe it was necessary to be caught and thrown out, in order for you to be free.

I know that I would have never left. My husband quit, and that meant as the wife, I was spiritually suspect. Fortunately, I didn`t have anybody counceling me to divorce at the time, or I`d a done it..I was told that I had to obey my spouse right or wrong...Oh how I detested him at the time....

My opinion is that God did what he had to to get us out of there. Oh how i wish that I had been smary enough to see the crap, that I had had a chance to play under cover believer like you did.

I don`t see where you were not couragious.

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Belle,

I lived two lives the whole time I was in TWI.........13 years.......I had already learned how to live 2 lives because of the family I was raised in so my transition into TWI was easy....I just kept living those 2 lives.......

I can totally relate to your sharing!

Newlife

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Belle,

I don't think you are a coward. I think you found yourself face-to-face with a monster, and instead of completely freaking out, you kept yourself together amazingly. I think you were brave and wonderful for trying so hard to keep your marriage together. You are not the one who failed. The people around you failed. They didn't do what they were supposed to do... your spouse did not revere you, twi-leaders did not revere the truth.

Of course, maybe I'm biased, because your story is my story, too. Except my double life lasted less than a year before I got outed, and then divorced. But, honestly, I've talked to other gals who were in very similar situations to you and I, who took different approaches, and it still didn't work. If everything around you is broken, sometimes you just can't fix it.

Edited by TheHighWay
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:love3:

Thank you. Thank you all. I didn't really start this to be a pity party for me.... guess hindsight's 20/20 and I feel like such a wuss when I look back on that time. It also feels like wasted time - yet a few more years I'll never get back, but could have had if I had acted quicker, bolder, louder....

I do wonder, though, what kind of toll that takes on us in addition to the spiritual abuse, the psychological abuse and everything else we had to deal with. We talk about the other stuff, but this "mask", this "fake persona", it's got to complicate the "who am I?" quest and maybe even cause problems in relationships... *shrug* I dunno. Dunno where I was going with this, either. :confused:

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I guess that you need to see yourself through OUR eyes then friend.

To us you were a hero. Sneaking behind enemy lines, a thorn in twi`s side, driving them crazy trying to find the mole.

Since then you have been a clear strong voice of reason here at the cafe. A friend and aly to those being bullied, a shoulder to cry on when things got tough....leading the cheering over our accomplishments.

God alone knows the magnitude of your impact on the lives of those struggling in twi and with their post twi issues.

To borrow Z`s phrase ...*girl YOU so totally ROCK! * :)

You know?? You never DID tell us how they caught you...What they did to you...what they said to you...I have always wanted to hear about that part of the story.

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:love3:

Thank you. Thank you all. I didn't really start this to be a pity party for me.... guess hindsight's 20/20 and I feel like such a wuss when I look back on that time. It also feels like wasted time - yet a few more years I'll never get back, but could have had if I had acted quicker, bolder, louder....

I do wonder, though, what kind of toll that takes on us in addition to the spiritual abuse, the psychological abuse and everything else we had to deal with. We talk about the other stuff, but this "mask", this "fake persona", it's got to complicate the "who am I?" quest and maybe even cause problems in relationships... *shrug* I dunno. Dunno where I was going with this, either. :confused:

Yup Belle you are a pretty brave lady...doing the whole espionage thing. Me, I'm not so sure that I would have been able to do what you did. But we didn't have the internet back then...it was almost the dark ages after all. So I guess we will never know.

I think I kinda know where you were trying to go here...is there a syndrome associated with living a double life like Stockholming? It seems to me that it would get very confusing for the individual. Some spys forget who they really are and "become" their alter ego. Perhaps that could have been a result for you or others. Then you heap on top of that identity crises a good dose of cult brain and stir vigerously...it aint a martini folks its one confused individual.

But on the good side I found out that you can juggle your own balls.... :biglaugh:

"while you were struggling to keep all your balls in the air"

BTW as for your little comment (highlighted above) I have this response, "don't be ridiculous!" You did quite a bit and from what I hear you helped a great many people. So you did good, you did what you could and more than was asked, now you just smile and accept the truth.

Edited by Eyesopen
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About the worst stepford type I met was probably and old limb leader (before they were called coordinators)..

My opinion of the guy.. I thought he had a few brain cells burned out..

whatever portion controls conscience, and serious logical reasoning... something just not there..

who knows, maybe vic recruited them like that..

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Belle - its always hard to believe we are right about our gut instinct when we are surrounded by everything that tells us that instinct is wrong. Erosion happens and some people succomb (Stockholm Syndrome counts on that very process)

But

Old Chinese Proverb says

Slander can never hurt the honest person, when the river recedes the rock is still there.

(not sure it doesn't hurt a little, but youget the idea)

The way people were excellent at slandering individusals and families.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Belle - It took courage to do what most of us here did: break off the association with an influence that was not good for us. It was a huge upheaval and took its toll in many ways, depending on our individual constitutions. Currently, I'm reading a book called Battle for the Mind - A Physiology of Conversion and Brain-Washing (How Evangelists, Psychiatrists, Politicians, and Medicine Men can change your beliefs and behavior by William Sargant. This, along with MANY other such books and information about fundamentalism, etc. have helped me understand the complex nature of what we were involved with and how leaving it affects us.

Trust yourself. You very likely did the best you could given the circumstances...remember no one can perfectly navigate difficult situations.

It's Thanksgiving...have an extra slice of pie and a good belly laugh. Both are good medicine for the soul.

Cheers!

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Belle, Imagine if everyone had gone on a way corps union strike, as in La Greve ici en France? It would have brought a courageous UNITED FRONT to the abuse of the old brain washing business at hand. A united corps, recognizing the abuse of God’s children at the hands of the evil mog’s. A way corps protest of bad working conditions, living quarters, lousy food rationing, no financial rewards. A complete work and witnessing stop. A syllabus burning with green name tags melting in the Kansas snow. Krystal Nacht in Emporia! :biglaugh:

If only the MEN had stood up and said, “No More” brainwashing without retirement benefits!! How many wives would have been saved? <_<

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