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Christmas. I mean.. holidays?


Sudo
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 01, 2007

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 22, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 02, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 03, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on A table that reads,” AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: November 04, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and

drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit Farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have To sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be Flower arrangement for the gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F...ing Employees

DATE: November 05, 2007

RE: The Freaking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going To keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as You so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 06, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy Recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holiday.

sudo

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Uh, not so funny?? OK.. then how 'bout THIS one??

No Nativity Scene!!!

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United State Congress, This year !

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene

in the United States capital this Christmas season.This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

(There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.)

sudo

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Sounds a little like Bing but doesn't look like him!

Sharks live in a racist world dont they? The Great White gets most of the publicity!

I just hope I didnt offend some Great White by that remark. I'll stay out of the ocean for a while.

Edited by Lifted Up
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We work hard for that extra face time. How many sharks do you see trolling up and down the coast scaring swimmers and eating surfers just hoping someone has a camera phone?

Do you have any idea how long the lines were for the Jaws audition. Uncle Al got the part simply because he literally chewed up the competition. And it's a good thing too...can you even imagine a hammerhead in the part? Plaheeez!!!

:biglaugh:

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I was laughing, Sudo. You couldn't hear me all the way up there?

Seriously.... if we stay quiet you keep posting goodies like that song.

Now, that tree is MY kind of Christmas tree! I've got the perfect gift to put under it, but you'll have to talk to Santa to get it.

post-452-1196803812_thumb.jpg

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SUDO!............everything you posted here cracked me up!!!..........definitely no silence at this end!...........DUDE......er, 'skuse me,.........DUDO...........next time i'm in memphis i have GOT to visit your personal posting library!!!!.............thanks for the holiday cheer!..................peace.

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No Nativity Scene!!!

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United State Congress, This year !

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene

in the United States capital this Christmas season.This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

(There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.)

sudo

I had heard that was the reason they discontinued the nativity scenes at Ole Miss and Texas A&M as well!!!

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Ten green bottles, hanging on the wall

Ten green bottles, hanging on the wall

And if one green bottle

Should accidentally fall

Ther'd be Tom Strange crying

Underneath the wall

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Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas

pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about

to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows

where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the

toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,

yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas

tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a

lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to

stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

:biglaugh:

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I've sent the memos to the planning committee here at work

No worries, Sudo. I've been chuckling (albeit ruefully) at the memo. I am on the planning committee for our party at work, and while we've made some concessions ("holiday" party instead of "Christmas"), we've asked everyone to bring in something, in addition to our having some food and sodas brought in. That way, if anyone has any dietary restrictions, they can bring in their own food - hopefully enough so everyone can share.

Me personally, I just like to party! :dance::drink::jump:

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Hey Sudo

If you needed help with the tree, I would have been very willing to help.

I used to be known in the service (32 to 33 years ago) for putting away my share. Course you did have all the fun on getting to put the star on the last on on the top. AND BOY, not even knocking any off and all nice and neet too.

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