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How many of you NEVER want to fall in love again


Dot Matrix
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Through the years I have watched people LOOK for partners here at GS. Seek partners elsewhere. Get divorced and quickly seek companionship, etc.

I must be different, sicker, healthier or just came off of something very different from those that still seek...

I feel afraid, alone and bedraggled. I did not get out of my relationship with the hope of finding something new...

I know those of you who have bounced back and find it great for you. No judgement -- maybe I wish I could be there as well.

But how many of you said "never again" The pain is not worth the risk?

Why do you feel that way? I think in understanding it in others I may understand "it" in me.

I have had it. Had enough.

Eric Carmen sums it up

Never gonna fall in love again

I don't wanna start with someone new

Cause I couldn't bear to see it end

Just like me and you

No, I never wanna feel the pain

Of remembering how it used to be

Never gonna fall in love again

Just like you and me

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(((((((((Dot)))))))))

I'm afraid I cannot personally relate, but I can share one thing. I had a wonderful aunt who was single all her life, and as the manner was in those days for many maiden aunts, lived with her parents and took care of them until they both had died.

She was alone for the first time in her life and probably in her mid sixties. Though she had friends, she still came home to the empty echo of the house she had lived in since age 4, no one to greet, help, love, cook for, etc. Just her.

She made it. She lived to be 87 years old, still mostly independent, though Mr. Garden and I got her to move closer to us and looked in on her almost daily. She told her once that she had been bitterly lonely, but she had TO LEARN to live and be alone.

My hope and prayer for you is first of all peace, and then the confidence that you, too, can learn this. And then, whatever the future holds, I pray it holds great blessings for you.

Love,

WG

Edited by Watered Garden
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WG

Thanks, but

Well crap that was not a very good story :)

But thank you for your thoughts. (hugs)

So far, I like the quiet house. I would rather cry over someone's absence than their presence.

I like being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. But I miss him.

I actually have had a guy ALREADY persuing me. Here is the thing, he is REALLY nice and if times were different, I would allow him in my life. At present, I REALLY do not want to risk it. I do not care about being my own company - as I know what to expect with myself... To hook up with someone is just not in my thinking especially now -- but not even in the future.

I do not want to get used to someone all over again. I just don't.

I do not want to risk trust - which maybe I will find someone trustworthy -- but maybe not. So, I would rather avoid it all together than risk it.

I think for me it is I NEVER want to be hurt like that again and the benefits do not out weigh the risk. I just wonder what others think. Is it fear? Good sense?

To me it feels -- well, strange but GOOD.

Is there a point in your heart where you can be burned so badly that something closes and perhaps for self-preservation - will not open again? I have no desire to be with a man. None.

The only time I missed being a couple was there is a play I want to see and I hate to go alone -- but that is hardly worth the risk of inviting someone into my life. I think I shall fair better if I just go by myself.

Wondering how others who WANT to be alone feel? and why?

Edited by Dot Matrix
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DOT,

I have been in love twice.

First time I was young and dated a girl for a while, things were good but

I joined the military to see the world.

We remained in contact and I was very lonley overseas. I wrote when I could,

we had several visits over the years. I fell for her hard and as I was waiting to get out

I asked for her hand and she accepted.

Six months till my freedom and I could be with her, I set her up in an apartment so she could get

away from parents.

Fast foward to my end of active duty and I show up one week early.DD214 in hand

ready to start our life together.

Our apartment has her boyfriend living there, driving my car and she maxed out

my credit cards.

I at the ripe age of 23 knew I would never love again and be alone.

I never wanted to be hurt again.

I dated a few girls but my heart was not in it.

Then a few years later I met my wife.

Your life is diffrent then mine but what I guess I am trying to say is

I was not looking and did not want to be involved.

I was content with my life and hobbies. I had friends who kept me

from being lonley.

Then when I least saw it coming I found love.

She loved me for me.

God knows what the future holds for you, have fun and smile.

copenhagen

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I just have to chime in here, as I have been alone since 2001. That year was very traumatic for me, but to keep it in context I will only mention that I lost my mom and I also got a divorce. Although my breakup was not as traumatic as yours...but my marriage was...

In the end my ex had found another sweetie and decided that I simply needed to go away. So I did...it was very amiable for the most part.

At first I found the house to be both peaceful and empty. It was a strange mix of feelings. Like you I did not want to even attempt another relationship so that I could avoid the pain that accompanies it, not to mention the vast amounts of work necessary to keep a relationship going and healthy. I was just exhausted and wanted to rest. But while I was resting I found that I had vast amounts of time that I could now fill with whatever I wanted to do. My time was filled at first with all of the tv that I had missed, eventually I moved on to more productive and satisfying pursuits.

I remembered that I had once enjoyed studying, and drawing, and making little things out of wood like jewelry boxes and such. I have found recently that doing things on the computer can also be rewarding to an extent and that I have a knack for writing.

Do I want another relationship at this point? I dont know, I am no longer as opposed to it as I once was but I am also in my own groove now and rather enjoy my life as it is. Will I never have another? Once again I dont know. If it happens that will be ok, but if it doesnt that would be ok as well.

I have come to realize that not everyone needs or even really wants a relationship like that at this stage of our lives. My mother was one that really needed the relationship and after daddy died she hung on for many years but when it came time to fight for her life or lose it...well she just didnt see any reason to stick around. Me on the other hand do not feel that I need any thing that resembles a perminant relationship. I can take it or leave it and I find that I enjoy the simplicity that my life has now.

I hope that helps you in some small way.

Edited by Eyesopen
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(((((Dot)))))

It's still new for you, the wound is still fresh. You will learn from your marriage and divorce. You can be even stronger. If you use this time to look within, figure out what YOU want and go for it without compromise, you will be a fulfilled person. If you learn to love yourself and your life without a man, it will be more meaningful when you actually do get in to another relationship. I highly suggest to give it time. You will know when you are ready. Dont' make emtional decisions about love in the next year, and you will save yourself a lot of additional heartache.

Love,

Someone who's been there

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Thanks cop

You do know what pain can do to a person. I am glad you found your wife.

Eyes - as always a pleasure reading your posts. I feel as you do -- I am okay with this.

Notta- that is just it I do NOT feel as though I need a man - nor do I want one. I am enjoying me. For the next year to 18 months I promised myself I would enjoy the unfettered me. If in the future, I meet a friend which unexpectedly becomes more - then so-be-it. But if not then so-be-it.

Relationships can nurture and heal or do the opposite. I do not even want to get involved enough to find out. I still love my husband even though that was the largest roller coaster I ever rode. The ups and downs were frightening, the turns unexpected, and the end not soon enough --- and yet too soon. Just like the actual roller coaster in my opinion. I am sure he would agree. And even so -- I miss him.

Anyone else out there alone and content to be alone - or alone because the risk is too great to try again?

Would like to hear from you.

Edited by Dot Matrix
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Dot

In your teardrops, I can see my own reflection.... After 13 years one could write a book

But who better than to speak of Love than Dylan

And I've never gotten used to it, I've just learned to turn it off

Either I'm too sensitive ,or else I'm gettin'soft.

There are those that worship loneliness, I'm not one of them

In this age of fiberglass I'm searching for a gem

The crystal ball upon the wall hasn't shown me nothing yet

I paid the price of solitude, but at least I'm out of debt.

Edited by WhiteDove
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You know Dot, I didn't even read the replies to your topic.

I'll say that I think you are where you need to be for today and first thing tomorrow.

After that, well, life's a crapshoot for everybody

There is no insurance that the 'lucky couples' we see around us will endure the test of time either. Not to be a bring-down, but the stats show it's around 50-50.

You may be suffering right now, and you are entitled to feel all of your emotions.

The grief over the loss of a cherished love is very painful, and only a disconnected person would state otherwise.

If it takes a year, or ten, to get nearer the place where you desire intimacy again, bless your heart, and I hope you pick and choose.

We are all on a learning experience.... our relationships included.... and when we are ready to move towards the next experience, hopefully we have taken the time to learn about ourselves, both lovingly and critically enough, to accept and even embrace our own imperfections - because those flawed aspects of our humanity will aid us in not only our selection of a new beau', but the rush-in or time-out we personally require before engaging with someone new. I mean, be careful. Take your time.

Where is the fire? When it comes to developing new relationships, people feel there is a rush to do so sometimes.

There is nothing to rush about. Ease into these decisions.

Most mistakes, or rather, replacement type 're-bound relationships' happen when one settles for less than what is best for them, out of fear that they will be alone or remain alone, or fear that they can not stand on their own two feet.

Relax, you can have it all, Dot.

You probably know all this anyway, but I wanted to speak to you from experience that it is tons better to take the time to be alone, learn about yourself without the distractions someone causes, and strengthen.

Bond with single adults and family. Or volunteer at a place dear to your heart. Take a class or two. Now is the time to broaden your horizons.

You don't want the same failed relationship material - so change your half!

All we can do is change ourselves - and luckily into the people we want to have good experiences with!

The easiest way to insure that is to have knowledge of some really cool, good experiences ourselves!

So, right now you are single. As your progress thru the sadness and grief, make plans to do things alone, on your own or with friends, but don't look to hook-up right away!

That would be horrible.

Look instead to heal and rejuvenate - find what you know you have to offer someone and protect it, save it for something marvelous - dynamic!

Do not jump into the dating pool yet, you are not ready.... take care of you and your pets and be a friend.

If anyone tells you differently, I would evaluate what they are saying as a constructive or destructive move on your part.

blah blah, I had lots to say because I have been where you are.

The outcome of your future relationship will be equal to what you put into your own self care now.

Good luck Dot.

This is your time to have a blast, I mean really, have fun when you can, when you aren't grieving... and the feelings of heartache are temporary... one day you will wake-up without the heartache. This is the truth.

Best Wishes

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Thanks for all the love and encouragement

See that is just it -- I AM NOT INTO LOOKING!! I like this time.

So, many look right away and I am compelled to NOT get involved --

Waiting to see how other people enjoy/deal with being alone, or want to be alone -- is it better for them? Out of fear? out of pain? Or a new place of security?

I am still in grief over my husband who still lives in my heart. The goodbyes come in stages. First he drives away. Then, the bills no longer have his name, stuff in the freezer he bought gets used, the soap "we" used has diminished from a "bar" to a little "goo spot" I wiped away, I broke a coffee cup "we" bought in Vegas ...they leave in pieces....

I will never go through this again.

Never

Edited by Dot Matrix
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There are worse things than being lonely.

Also kinda of like leaving the way --but on different terms, I would need to regroup...get to know myself gain, maybe even bring alive parts I buried while dealing with other things - not that there is any judjement - just an awareness of new needs.

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ww

I agree

Ex - you make me laugh - exactly what is it? When one finds it how do you make "love stay"

What is it?

Ho DO we make love stay?

Now that we love

Now that the lonely nights are over

How do we make love stay?

Now that we know

The fire can burn bright or merely smolder

How do we keep it from dying away?

Elusive as dreams

Barely remembered in the morning

Love like a phantom flies

But held in the heart

It pales like the empty smile adorning

A statue with sightless eyes.

Moments fleet, taste sweet within the rapture

When precious flesh is greedily consumed

But mystery's a thing not easily captured

And once deceased not easily exhumed.

Now that we love

Now that the lonely nights are over

How do we make love stay?

Moments fleet, taste so sweet within the rapture

When precious flesh is greedily consumed

But mystery's a thing not easily captured

And once deceased not easily exhumed.

Now that we loved

Look at the moonless night and tell me

How do we make love stay?

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Dot,

My father lost his wife in his late 60s. He kind of figured his life was done, his course was set, that he had experienced it all.

Well guess what? He found the absolute love of his life! They fell head over heals in love, every day is better than the last. They have fun if they are gardening, if they are doing the dishes, or on one of the many many trips that they take.

He and his now beloved wife both assumed that their lives were complete....never in their wildest dreams did they ever suspect that the best was yet to come...that everything that led up to this point was a pale comparison to the life which they now lead.

They are on a get away weekend for their 5th anniversary as a type :)

I can only say, don`t give up, that there might very well be a happy ending around the corner....we just can`t give give up...ok?

Please don`t smack me for being too optimistic, ok? I just thought it might help to know that nothing is set in stone..

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My condolences on your personal pain and may you have peace and Gods loving presence all through your life and in your alone times too!

I was very broken hearted and I can prove it, here listen to like my fav song ....Love Hurts http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fusea...endID=137906108 just click on Love Hurts

So that proves it! I have a long time broken heart and I won't bore you with my sad story ( I might write abook though) :unsure:

Edited by Steveo
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I know my lonliness and being divorced for 9 years helped me to be a better person. There were a lot of times it sucked, especially when I was in my 30s and craving to have children. Sure I could have had kids by myself, but I didn't want that. I had many dysfunctional relationships during that 9 years. I cried a lot trying to figure out why I didn't have a soulmate. I had to touch the hot stove many times to realize it hurt. There are many things in life which are disappointing. We can look back at the disappointment, or we can see how it made us better. It does take time to see past disapointment when the hurt is new.

I did find the love of my life, and we celebrated our 4th anniversary last month. It was worth the wait.

Edited by Nottawayfer
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I know my lonliness and being divorced for 9 years helped me to be a better person. There were a lot of times it sucked, especially when I was in my 30s and craving to have children. Sure I could have had kids by myself, but I didn't want that. I had many dysfunctional relationships during that 9 years. I cried a lot trying to figure out why I didn't have a soulmate. I had to touch the hot stove many times to realize it hurt. There are many things in life which are disappointing. We can look back at the disappointment, or we can see how it made us better. It does take time to see past disapointment when the hurt is new.

I did find the love of my life, and we celebrated our 4th anniversary last month. It was worth the wait.

Listening to too much trauma in others lives kills faith and will reinforce negativsm. You have the power and love to minister to all of these people not just listen to the injustice that Satan brought into their lives. Cry Justice to The Lord and you will see it. Remember how Job was restored. It is not too late to be restored.

The greatest healer is Jesus. By building a relationship with the Master, you will get healed and be led to the right person for you to fulfill your life and ministry.

Be careful about putting your laundry in public view, not everyone will build your faith. Your new found time alone can be turned into a tremendous opportunity to spend time in prayer and worship. Let the angels join you in your songs to the Lord.

Say hi to Praful

I didnt mean to have this posted under a quote. Apologies to the above. It is meant for Dot and not a reply to someone else!!!!!!

Pray for my navigational skills in this thread.

Edited by Son of the Master
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Thanks

P has been very helpful to me and when I spk with him I will say hello. He is good people and has ministered to me.

I just want to be alone at the moment and cry my way through the heartache. These tears seem to be cathartic.

And yes, I do not know how you always know, but I did post on another site and it caused a big bruhaha. I went to talk about illness and look for some medical answers and was "jumped." It left me very depressed and feeling less than victorious -- I should not go there. But something in me is still looking for answers. So, I keep looking -- even now -- even when clearly hubs has told me to "go have a life" because he does not want to burden me anymore.

I am burdened. I do need rest and I know who holds his arms out and offers that rest. God has never forsaken me. God has never forsaken the hubs either - but he is so tired.

In my humanness I can do nothing. And somehow my longing for his health keeps me stuck in human gear even though I know all healing comes from the Lord - in one way or another.

Thanks

Edited by Dot Matrix
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Well, I think this is part of the human condition anymore.

We live long enough now that relationships are put to the test like they never were before.

Time was, one partner - or both - would die before time could really take it's toll on how you felt about each other AND there was a definite lack of acceptance of divorce, so, social pressures forced folks to stay together. I'm not sure that was really all that bad.

But anyway, here we are in the 21st century when it's perfectly acceptable for your marriage to be tossed out like the rest of the day's garbage. Ain't it just special?

The hard part for me is, how do you ever get to where you could trust another person to be your faithful partner? Hell, I thought I HAD the greatest possible of marriages. Unfortunately, I had NO clue what my spouse was thinking. And now in retrospect, I realize that I never really knew her at all. So how can I trust my judgement to ever pick another one? Hell, I couldn't have been more mistaken about my first, how could I ever be sure about a second?

So, I don't even give it any thought anymore. I just go to work. I work and work. And then work some more. Then I think about the next job I'm gonna do. Then I go get some more work. Hey, it occupies the time.

I wish I had some real perky advice for you Dot. But, as has already been noted, your wounds are really fresh. It gets better after awhile, but not a lot. Such is life.

Like the song says, I think the best we can hope for is to die in our sleep.

Yeah, I'm an incurable optimist...

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For me you need to define falling in love.

What do you want?

do you want your marriage back? do you want only the "good times of your marriage back?

I fall in love everyday and im not being flip with my words now, i fell in love with the cute little yelow bird at the feeders this morning and her fat hubby who cant fit on the stick so she has to move over to a certain side so he can eat.

I fall in love with love, and i see it often, people being kind, pretty children or old ladies walking hand in hand to get going on with life and what they need to do.

i like watching the birds build their nests this time of year too! NO No NO not that one to fat maybe that one it is long enough ok how about some leaf in there to brighten it up? i hear them say to one another as they sing every morning there song of babies on the way soon.

the landscapers are out and three very handsome men had their shirts off in the heat and i looked and said to myself (like the song sings) what a beautiful world.

the buds are out on the tree i love that tree when he gets his purple flowers all over it and smells up the whole yard with his perfume.

i love sitting on the floor with my new grand and finding the little cowboy amoung the horse toys and deciding together where he should ride.

i lfall in love with my fluffy balnket at night now with the heat off and its warm covering over me. that is a good love.

falling in love it isnt that i never want to fall in love again i just cant stop faling in love with life and happening and people and places and things!

Are you speaking of making a commintment ? never wanting to make a commintment?

Are you talking about having sex?

Define your comment please this falling in love business is what life is all about for me and i would not be able to get through a day without it!

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You've gotten lots of good advice, Dot.

The thing is, you don't have to decide to do anything. If I were to lose my wife, I know I wouldn't be interested in finding another woman. But OTOH, time would go by, wounds would start to heal, and to pass up companionship and fun, should it appear, would be unfortunate.

I think you should ask the question again in 6 months.

Edited by Jim
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