Okay - these all just got sent to me... the second is a bit near the bone for GSC patrons... and maybe the fourth one...
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
______________________________
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
______________________________
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
______________________________
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
______________________________
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
______________________________ !
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
______________________________
A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, the teacher said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
______________________________
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to...My mom is a good cook."
______________________________
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
______________________________
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
I tell people I have 3 brothers. When they ask their names, I say "Dana, Steven, Greg and Harry". After that, some ask "Isn't that four"? Then I reply, "You see, Greg and Harry are my two half brothers!"
"I have a great respect for E.W. Bullinger -- if it were not for him, TWI would have little to share!"
"I AM the Lord, your Way International -- I change not!"
Although we have seen much plagerism among those at TWI, I must give credit to one individual who actually came up with something on his own: LCM has taught that the serpent in the Garden of Eden actually appeared to Eve in the form of a woman -- and was having LESBIAN SEX with her! (Gag me with a spoon!)
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman enter a bar and each order a pint. Upon being served a fly lands in each gentleman's beer. The Englishman turns up his nose and requests another pint from the bartender. The Irishman looks at the fly in his glass and simply picks it out and tosses it over his shoulder and continues to enjoy his beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out his beer, holds it over the glass and demands, "OK, spit it out you little bastard."
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JeffSjo
Two peanuts walked into a rowdy bar, one was a salted.
Ham
Old Chionese proverb: Egg Foo yung left out overnight is egg foo old.
RumRunner
WAIT if you have kids around the below is rated M - OK go ahead and read The Brothel The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignifi
Mark Clarke
Why don't cannibals like to eat Pentecostals?
Because they keep throwing up their hands!
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Steve!
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Mark Clarke
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
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Twinky
Okay - these all just got sent to me... the second is a bit near the bone for GSC patrons... and maybe the fourth one...
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
______________________________
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
______________________________
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
______________________________
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
______________________________
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
______________________________ !
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
______________________________
A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, the teacher said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
______________________________
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to...My mom is a good cook."
______________________________
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
______________________________
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
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Twinky
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
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JeffSjo
As a graduate of Unity High School I finally said that I am a Unitarian.
(I used that one on a fellow classmate from my school for the first time ever, last week.) I actually refered to our class as being Unitarians.
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spectrum49
I tell people I have 3 brothers. When they ask their names, I say "Dana, Steven, Greg and Harry". After that, some ask "Isn't that four"? Then I reply, "You see, Greg and Harry are my two half brothers!"
SPEC
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Mark Clarke
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?
He kept thinking he was following someone.
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spectrum49
Here's 3 of my own...fresh off the press!
"I have a great respect for E.W. Bullinger -- if it were not for him, TWI would have little to share!"
"I AM the Lord, your Way International -- I change not!"
Although we have seen much plagerism among those at TWI, I must give credit to one individual who actually came up with something on his own: LCM has taught that the serpent in the Garden of Eden actually appeared to Eve in the form of a woman -- and was having LESBIAN SEX with her! (Gag me with a spoon!)
All for now...
Spec
:)
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Mark Clarke
Johann Sebastian Bach had twenty children.
Apparently his organ had no stops.
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Mark Clarke
Build a man a fire and you warm him for a day. Set a man on fire and you warm him for the rest of his life.
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Twinky
Would he be a bit of a hothead then?
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oenophile
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman enter a bar and each order a pint. Upon being served a fly lands in each gentleman's beer. The Englishman turns up his nose and requests another pint from the bartender. The Irishman looks at the fly in his glass and simply picks it out and tosses it over his shoulder and continues to enjoy his beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out his beer, holds it over the glass and demands, "OK, spit it out you little bastard."
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Steve!
I met a dyslexic paranoid - he's afraid he's following people.
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RumRunner
Little child's prayer shared with his teacher in Sunday School:
Lord, in this year,
please send clothes
for all those
poor ladies
in Dad's computer.
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Mark Clarke
That is the burning question of our age.
(Should we flag this as a hot topic?)
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Shellon
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Sushi
I was walking downtown the other day and there was a dollar store advertising a free abacus with every purchase. I wouldn't count on it, though.
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RumRunner
That is a true groaner...if there was a prize here you would win it.
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waysider
Sign in hardware store window:
********************
CAST IRON SINKS
********************
(Who didn't know that?)
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RumRunner
N.S. I promise - My daughter and I were walking through a mall - signs
a) over Mervyns before they bellied up - "Now Hiring" - but under the sign - "Mervyns"
Uhh - Now hiring Mervyns, Is that like now hiring Smirfs? What about blonds? What about horse lovers?
b) over the pool store - "Professional grade chemicals" - uhhh - is that like pharmaceutical grade LSD?
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Mark Clarke
That's like the bumper sticker that says, "Show Dogs Do Not Tailgate"
Of course not - they can't even drive!
I actually saw this in a shop in Newport, RI:
"Ears pierced while you wait"
As opposed to dropping them off and picking them up next Thursday???
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JeffSjo
Hey, I have a great knock-knock joke, YOU START........
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Shifra
What do you call a dead tuna and a prostitute salmon?
"Bloaty and the Ho Fish".
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