I'm sitting here reading a book called "Mean Genes" and wondering why I seek to revisit the pain of being a part of a cult by reading about other's experiences and writing about my own?
While I believe that I have moved forward quite a bit, I wonder why I keep wanting/needing to look back over those years.
I don't feel particularly hurt by the events that happened to me. I do feel more hurt by the events that happened to others that continues to distress them.
It's almost like a drug - experiencing and rehashing the emotional pain.
I imagine it's for the same reason people are attracted to the macabre - the train or the car wreck along side the road.
I am not a psychiatrist....but I can answer from my pov.
It seems like my brain is just a mass of layers (like an onion too much shrek lol) I think that I know what I think, what I believe, why I behave the way I do....but yet when I read a post or shared experience, many times it is like pealing that layer or perception away, only to find a very different perspective undernieth.
I long to know why, what made me vunerable, why did I allow the treatment, How could they convince me my family and friends were the enemy, how could they convince me to go against my own conscience, give up my own freedom of will and identity.
I need to know these things...I still don`t know if my thought processes are healthy....if my perceptions are accurate...
For me, it is about unlearning decades of teachings and behaviors, the basic foundation of my entire young adult life. I am trying to form healthy thought processes, beliefs, perceptions etc.
Others don`t need that, for them the endless introspection is monotonous and a waste of time. That is how my spouse is...I don`t think either is wrong, just what a particular individual finds to be helpful.
I can understand how any emotional experience can turn into an addictive activity. It just happens, it is what happens to people sometimes.
In my own experiences I like to think that taking a good hard look at these things have the potential to help people move on by coming to some kind of closure with the past. And in a situation where things turned ugly but we were taught and driven to put aside all our misgivings in God's name things got pretty badly messed up.
For me these things hit home on many levels, God, family, worldview, emotionally, professionally, and they have the potential to touch upon and influence virtually every single interaction that I have with anybody.
I am not going to be quick to judge anyone if they have the need to rehash things.
But I won't judge them if they feel that it is time to move on either. Healing is a process and there are just too many questions that I don't have answers to about you or anyone else Tzaia. Especially if you feel that it is time for you to quit rehashing things.
But for others here, at times it seemed like they were just telling folks to quit rehashing things because of ulterior motives. But even if a specific individual did not have the ulterior motives that I perceived, it is plain to me that at that time they were lacking in terms of care for the one who was rehashing things. At the very least they could have showed some sympathy or understanding to someone who had been beat up pretty badly.
But when folks have said that it was time to move on as it pertained to themselves, heck, I just wish them well. There doesn't seem anything wrong with any of us being willing to consider that it may be time to move on. Or maybe being willing to consider that someday it may be time to move on either.
I imagine it's for the same reason people are attracted to the macabre - the train or the car wreck along side the road.
Of course when somebody uses abrasive terms to describe someone who may just need a little venting to heal, no matter what their motives are (That is you I'm referring to What The Hey) it is wrongheaded.
I especially took note of........"The term catharsis has also been adopted by modern psychotherapy, particularly Freudian psychoanalysis, to describe the act of expressing, or more accurately, experiencing the deep emotions often associated with events in the individual's past which had originally been repressed or ignored, and had never been adequately addressed or experienced."
It's almost like a drug - experiencing and rehashing the emotional pain.
it doesn't feel like a drug to me, it feels like a struggle.
a struggle against all the times I was told I wasn't good enough, against all the times I was told to shut up and submit to my husband, against myself for staying with him until my child was so miserable that he attempted suicide, against myself for staying instead of walking away when I felt like suicide would have been a welcome relief.
gotta work through those things. as I do, I let them go. I don't know how long I'll be around, but the sad thing is, there are always new people hurting. you know who made the biggest impression on me when I first came here, before I was even brave enough to leave twi? excathedra. you know why? because she'd live through some nasty stuff and had survived it. it was important to know that someone had made it! then I read Watered Garden's story. there was another that helped me immensely. because of that, I probably won't ever quit talking about my life in twi, it just won't hurt as much when I do talk about it. it doesn't hurt nearly as much now to talk about my wasteland of a marriage, or the things said and done to me by leaders, as it did when I first showed up here. at that point I couldn't even come to grips with the fact that the stuff was wrong.
That`s IT!! We were so convinced that we were wrong, lacking in believing, possessed, stiff necked, that we must submit, to do xyz to be spiritual...become little cookie cutter believers that wore the same dowdy dresses and hair styles....like bobble headed dolls, mindlessly nodding and grinning foolishly in agreement with whatever outrageous treatment or order proceeded out of the mouth of anybody over you on the food chain.
Every time I read of someone else forced to do what I did....I realize that it wasn`t because I was stupid or weak....or that there were a lot of really smart people that were fooled....or that the doctrine I was taught is not necessarily the truth....that others have wondered, that others have had the same questions as I.
I think it is about learning to think for yourself again, about reclaiming your identity. Remembering who you really are and what your real passions and talents are.
When I began posting 10 years ago...I was a very different person...my beliefs set in stone, my biases and prejudices the very same as when I left twi.
I needed to have some input from people that could speak my language, people whom had dared think past twi beliefs and not been struck dead...people like hills brother and groucho who dared call the ministry what it was. I used to be scandalized, but was secretly impressed with their bravery.
Excathedra was a huge example to me as well potato. She told her story back when nobody believed what a pig vpw was....and she was villified, because while everyone was willing to believe lcm was a pin head, nobody wanted to face the fact that our mog was not man of God, that we had been wrong about what we based our entire lives on....to have to concider the ominous implications.
People like catcup and her sister and Dad who shared of their experiences corroborating the filth and dishonesty of vpw...people like dot who tried to warn people and fix things...only to find out that the filth went all the way to the top...Damn, I know I am going to miss somebody, the stories of being left alone on the lead hitch hike and hurt, suicide etc.
Then you have people like Don` who shared and confirmed the very worst of our fears and suspiscions....
Many many here have shared their hearts and lives...each providing a part of the healing and growth for so many of us.
Yeah it`s taken ten years...I`m not done....but like potato said, it isn`t about revisiting pain, there really isn`t much of that any more, other than outrage at anothers treatment....it`s about the struggle towards wholeness and healthy thinking for me.
I think breaking the cycle of pain related to experiences in TWI is an individual thing. There's no prescribed amount of time to heal. Some will just take longer than others.
My own personal experience required me to realize that I could forgive wrongs even though the perpetrator never will apologize. It didn't mean that my forgiveness released them from their wrongs, but it freed me from so much toxic mental crap. It took a few years, but I'm over it for the most part. I don't even wish any evil on TWI leaders. They will reap the rewards of their own actions, good or not.
For most people you have to go back and re-look at it for a lot of reasons
the biggest being as you age and grow so does your understanding of the events and the perpetrators and your self.
Your understanding of not only what happened to you but how you dealt with it and how you are dealing with it now.
IT is also a way to remind your self what happened. A way to keep yourself safe from it happening again.
Every one had a different experience and a different level of hurt.
Coming back and rehashing it is a way to pull it out when it is long behind you and try to look at it in a more balanced perspective.
And sometimes to finally forgive yourself for the sin you think you committed when sometimes it is really the sin of another and you were not to blame.
IT is also as Cheranne said a way to help others .. sometimes a way to warn them. Sometimes it is just to remind your self that you were not alone. That there were others.
Recommended Posts
What The Hey
I imagine it's for the same reason people are attracted to the macabre - the train or the car wreck along side the road.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
rascal
I am not a psychiatrist....but I can answer from my pov.
It seems like my brain is just a mass of layers (like an onion too much shrek lol) I think that I know what I think, what I believe, why I behave the way I do....but yet when I read a post or shared experience, many times it is like pealing that layer or perception away, only to find a very different perspective undernieth.
I long to know why, what made me vunerable, why did I allow the treatment, How could they convince me my family and friends were the enemy, how could they convince me to go against my own conscience, give up my own freedom of will and identity.
I need to know these things...I still don`t know if my thought processes are healthy....if my perceptions are accurate...
For me, it is about unlearning decades of teachings and behaviors, the basic foundation of my entire young adult life. I am trying to form healthy thought processes, beliefs, perceptions etc.
Others don`t need that, for them the endless introspection is monotonous and a waste of time. That is how my spouse is...I don`t think either is wrong, just what a particular individual finds to be helpful.
Edited by rascalLink to comment
Share on other sites
waysider
It a component of the cathartic process.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catharsis
Link to comment
Share on other sites
JeffSjo
(TWO-CENTS ALERT)
Hi Tzaia,
I can understand how any emotional experience can turn into an addictive activity. It just happens, it is what happens to people sometimes.
In my own experiences I like to think that taking a good hard look at these things have the potential to help people move on by coming to some kind of closure with the past. And in a situation where things turned ugly but we were taught and driven to put aside all our misgivings in God's name things got pretty badly messed up.
For me these things hit home on many levels, God, family, worldview, emotionally, professionally, and they have the potential to touch upon and influence virtually every single interaction that I have with anybody.
I am not going to be quick to judge anyone if they have the need to rehash things.
But I won't judge them if they feel that it is time to move on either. Healing is a process and there are just too many questions that I don't have answers to about you or anyone else Tzaia. Especially if you feel that it is time for you to quit rehashing things.
But for others here, at times it seemed like they were just telling folks to quit rehashing things because of ulterior motives. But even if a specific individual did not have the ulterior motives that I perceived, it is plain to me that at that time they were lacking in terms of care for the one who was rehashing things. At the very least they could have showed some sympathy or understanding to someone who had been beat up pretty badly.
But when folks have said that it was time to move on as it pertained to themselves, heck, I just wish them well. There doesn't seem anything wrong with any of us being willing to consider that it may be time to move on. Or maybe being willing to consider that someday it may be time to move on either.
(edited for spelling)
Edited by JeffSjoLink to comment
Share on other sites
JeffSjo
Of course when somebody uses abrasive terms to describe someone who may just need a little venting to heal, no matter what their motives are (That is you I'm referring to What The Hey) it is wrongheaded.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
skyrider
Thanks, waysider.....lots in there.
I especially took note of........"The term catharsis has also been adopted by modern psychotherapy, particularly Freudian psychoanalysis, to describe the act of expressing, or more accurately, experiencing the deep emotions often associated with events in the individual's past which had originally been repressed or ignored, and had never been adequately addressed or experienced."
Lots of my past was repressed or ignored. :)
Link to comment
Share on other sites
potato
it doesn't feel like a drug to me, it feels like a struggle.
a struggle against all the times I was told I wasn't good enough, against all the times I was told to shut up and submit to my husband, against myself for staying with him until my child was so miserable that he attempted suicide, against myself for staying instead of walking away when I felt like suicide would have been a welcome relief.
gotta work through those things. as I do, I let them go. I don't know how long I'll be around, but the sad thing is, there are always new people hurting. you know who made the biggest impression on me when I first came here, before I was even brave enough to leave twi? excathedra. you know why? because she'd live through some nasty stuff and had survived it. it was important to know that someone had made it! then I read Watered Garden's story. there was another that helped me immensely. because of that, I probably won't ever quit talking about my life in twi, it just won't hurt as much when I do talk about it. it doesn't hurt nearly as much now to talk about my wasteland of a marriage, or the things said and done to me by leaders, as it did when I first showed up here. at that point I couldn't even come to grips with the fact that the stuff was wrong.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
themex
You are not alone, we are with you Tzaia. And we understand. God bless you.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
rascal
That`s IT!! We were so convinced that we were wrong, lacking in believing, possessed, stiff necked, that we must submit, to do xyz to be spiritual...become little cookie cutter believers that wore the same dowdy dresses and hair styles....like bobble headed dolls, mindlessly nodding and grinning foolishly in agreement with whatever outrageous treatment or order proceeded out of the mouth of anybody over you on the food chain.
Every time I read of someone else forced to do what I did....I realize that it wasn`t because I was stupid or weak....or that there were a lot of really smart people that were fooled....or that the doctrine I was taught is not necessarily the truth....that others have wondered, that others have had the same questions as I.
I think it is about learning to think for yourself again, about reclaiming your identity. Remembering who you really are and what your real passions and talents are.
When I began posting 10 years ago...I was a very different person...my beliefs set in stone, my biases and prejudices the very same as when I left twi.
I needed to have some input from people that could speak my language, people whom had dared think past twi beliefs and not been struck dead...people like hills brother and groucho who dared call the ministry what it was. I used to be scandalized, but was secretly impressed with their bravery.
Excathedra was a huge example to me as well potato. She told her story back when nobody believed what a pig vpw was....and she was villified, because while everyone was willing to believe lcm was a pin head, nobody wanted to face the fact that our mog was not man of God, that we had been wrong about what we based our entire lives on....to have to concider the ominous implications.
People like catcup and her sister and Dad who shared of their experiences corroborating the filth and dishonesty of vpw...people like dot who tried to warn people and fix things...only to find out that the filth went all the way to the top...Damn, I know I am going to miss somebody, the stories of being left alone on the lead hitch hike and hurt, suicide etc.
Then you have people like Don` who shared and confirmed the very worst of our fears and suspiscions....
Many many here have shared their hearts and lives...each providing a part of the healing and growth for so many of us.
Yeah it`s taken ten years...I`m not done....but like potato said, it isn`t about revisiting pain, there really isn`t much of that any more, other than outrage at anothers treatment....it`s about the struggle towards wholeness and healthy thinking for me.
Edited by rascalLink to comment
Share on other sites
cheranne
To warn others and make them aware. I think spiritual abuse is the worst form of abuse there is..it becomes
spiritual madness.
Different for all people I suppose depending on your childhood and experience in upbringing,for a victim of SRA
as a young child it was very easy to just slide into cult life ,much much easier than basic training which was a breeze
for me after cult life.
I find that in search of the ruins you can rebuild ,but it's alot of hard work but a must do for healing(for some people
they can't just sweep it under the rug)
Wounds do heal in time and in awareness of truth,I come back so others can be warned. In our case (those former
people of twi)the pen is mightier than twi's broken sword of "the word"
Just think if everyone spoke out against this...there would be a CURE! An avoidance of NEW people having to gp
through the twisted scripture of twi.
Like for instance "must we speak in tongues" to be "IN" (the little circle of twi (Yes) I was told to open my f.....ing
mouth.
The language didn't shock me nor did it shock anyone else in that circle ...did it shell shock the "demons" that we
supposely preventing the "manifestation of the spirit"
Now I believe that PFAL was never of a True Gods design so what demons hiding behind the trees (were their own)
Which became my own too.
In reading some of the writings from "The Writng Machine" I visited his pain as growing up in twi and the hysteria
he saw through the eyes of a child with NO choice but to be in Rome City and other locations on the field..who would
think an innocent child could be effected like that as we ran classes after classes and the children of twi watched(thinking
in our hearts...how cool I hope my kids are just like that word breed and word feed!
So I keep writing too.,and keep listening .
Edited by cheranneLink to comment
Share on other sites
Nottawayfer
I think breaking the cycle of pain related to experiences in TWI is an individual thing. There's no prescribed amount of time to heal. Some will just take longer than others.
My own personal experience required me to realize that I could forgive wrongs even though the perpetrator never will apologize. It didn't mean that my forgiveness released them from their wrongs, but it freed me from so much toxic mental crap. It took a few years, but I'm over it for the most part. I don't even wish any evil on TWI leaders. They will reap the rewards of their own actions, good or not.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
leafytwiglet
For most people you have to go back and re-look at it for a lot of reasons
the biggest being as you age and grow so does your understanding of the events and the perpetrators and your self.
Your understanding of not only what happened to you but how you dealt with it and how you are dealing with it now.
IT is also a way to remind your self what happened. A way to keep yourself safe from it happening again.
Every one had a different experience and a different level of hurt.
Coming back and rehashing it is a way to pull it out when it is long behind you and try to look at it in a more balanced perspective.
And sometimes to finally forgive yourself for the sin you think you committed when sometimes it is really the sin of another and you were not to blame.
IT is also as Cheranne said a way to help others .. sometimes a way to warn them. Sometimes it is just to remind your self that you were not alone. That there were others.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.