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Court reporter excerpts


ChattyKathy
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Q. What is your date of birth?

A. July fifteenth.

Q. What year?

A. Every year.

Q. How old is your son, the one living with you?

A. Thirty-five or thirty-eight, I can't remember which.

Q. How long has he lived with you?

A. Forty-five years.

Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A. He said "Where am I Cindy?"

Q. And why did that upset you?

A. My name is Susan.

Q. And where was the location of the accident?

A. Approx milepost 499.

Q. And where is milepost 499?

A. Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q. Can you describe the individual?

A. He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q. And was this a male or female?

Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depostion notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No, this is the dress I where to go to work.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

I need to smile tonight, so hopefully you will to.

Kath

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Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it effect your memory at all?

A. Yes.

Q. And in what way does it affect your memory?

A. I forget.

Q. You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten.

Q. Did you blow your horn or anything?

A. After the accident?

Q. Before the accident.

A. Sure, I played for ten years, I even went to school for it.

Q. How was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A. No.

Q. Did you check for a blood pressure?

A. No.

Q. Did you check for breathing?

A. No.

Q. So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A. No.

Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q. But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?

A. Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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  • 12 years later...

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Witness: Would you repeat the question?

Attorney: Are you sexually active?

Witness: No, I just lie there.

Q:"...And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?

A. "Oral."

Q: "How old are you?"

A:"Oral."

Attorney: "What did he say then?"

Witness: "He said 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' "

Attorney: "Did he kill you?"

Witness: "No."

Attorney:"Now, did was shot in the woods?"

Witness; "No. I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

Q:Are you married?

A:No, I'm divorced.

Q:And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A:A lot of things I didn't know about.

Attorney:

"When he went, had you gone, and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"

Opposing attorney:

"Objection! That question should be taken out and shot."

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A: I will be three months November 8th.

Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, I suppose is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A. It indicates intercourse.

Q. Male sperm?

A. That is the only kind I know.

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?

A. Four times.

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What's his first name?

A. I can't remember.

Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?

A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

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WW, that's a very old thread you've dredged up.

Okay, well, here are some new lawyer jokes from a different website:

Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Objection

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"

"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

Bad Neighbours

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

"$7.98." said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

Flight Emergency

Noticing they were having engine trouble, the pilot instructed the crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few moments later, the pilot asked the attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"We're all set back here, Captain," an attendant replied. "Except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out his business cards."

The Compliment

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

New Client

A lawyer opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting idly at his desk, his secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He told his secretary to show him right in.

Thinking that it was a new client he wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker was entering his office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into it…"Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this case for less than five hundred thousand dollars. Don't bother me again until that amount has been agreed to!"

Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, "How do you do Mr. Baker. What can I do to help you?"

Mr. Baker replied, "Hi, I'm from the phone company. I'm here to connect your phone."

Justice Has Triumphed

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!"

The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

Suit Settled

A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home totally elated.

"Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this," he said to his father. "I've finally settled that old Whitmore suit."

"Settled it!!" bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that money for over five years now!"

Jury Duty

A man who was chosen for jury duty wanted very much to be dismissed from serving. He tried just about every excuse he could come up with, but nothing worked.

On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more try. Just as the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I feel I must be excused from this trial since I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those sneaky, beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, 'He's a crook! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!' Therefore, your Honor, I could not possibly remain on this jury."

Glaring at him, the Judge replied, "Get yourself back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer!"

I'm fine

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"

He's Alive!

A noted criminal defense lawyer was making his closing argument for his client accused of murder, although the body of the victim had never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom's clock and, pointing to it, announced, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the door of this courtroom."

A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic entry. But nothing happened.

The smirking lawyer continued, "The mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear proof that you have far more than even a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed."

Tickled with the impact of his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await acquittal.

The jury was instructed, filed out, and filed back in just ten minutes with a guilty verdict.

When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury foreman: "Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!"

"Well," the foreman explained, "Most of us were watching the door. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door."

In the Diner

Two lawyers entered the diner and ordered a couple of drinks. They then took sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry owner went over to them and said, "Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"

Shrugging their shoulders the lawyers exchanged sandwiches.

The Hamburger

Prosecutor : What were you doing on July 15th at 9 o'clock in the evening ?

Prisoner : I was eating hamburger.

Prosecutor : What were you doing at 9:30 p.m. ?

Prisoner : I was taking a bicarbonate of soda.

Prosecutor : Do you expect us to believe you ?

Prisoner : You would if you had eaten one of those hamburgers.

The Lawyer and the Federal Housing Authority

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Authority) loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

The lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our ... loan?"

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  • 4 months later...

Q. What is your date of birth?

A. July fifteenth.

Q. What year?

A. Every year.

Q. How old is your son, the one living with you?

A. Thirty-five or thirty-eight, I can't remember which.

Q. How long has he lived with you?

A. Forty-five years.

Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A. He said "Where am I Cindy?"

Q. And why did that upset you?

A. My name is Susan.

Q. And where was the location of the accident?

A. Approx milepost 499.

Q. And where is milepost 499?

A. Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q. Can you describe the individual?

A. He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q. And was this a male or female?

Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depostion notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No, this is the dress I where to go to work.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

I need to smile tonight, so hopefully you will to.

Kath

thanks got me to smile :biglaugh:

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  • 3 weeks later...

True story:

A man was on trial for kidnapping and rape in Broward County. During one of the breaks, the judge was chatting with him, and the defendant said some things that made the judge question whether the defendant was sane at the time the crime was committed.

This led the judge to ask, "Have you considered a mental health defense?"

The defendant responded: " To tell the truth, I was demonically possessed?"

Judge: "You were what?"

Defendant: "I was demonically possessed." The defendant then explained that he had been exorcised between the time of the incident and the time of the trial, so it was no longer an issue.

Judge: "Are you saying you were possessed when you committed these crimes?"

Defendant: "Oh, no. I didn't commit any crimes. This incident was consensual."

You heard it here first, folks: a demon possessed a man, causing him to engage in consensual sex with a willing participant.

The defendant was convicted.

Edited by Raf
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