Sick sense of humor

[greasie]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager says,

Do you have any sales experience?

The kid says, Yeah,

I was a salesman back home in Texas.

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

You can start tomorrow. I'll come down

after we close and see how you did.

His first day on the job was rough,

but he got through it.

After the store was locked up,

the boss came down.

How many sales did you make today?

the boss asked.

The kid says, One.

The boss says, Just one?

Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?

The kid says, $101,237.64.

The boss says, $101,237.64?

What the h$%* did you sell ?

The kid says, first I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him a medium fish hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Suburban.

The boss said, A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?

The kid says, No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.

[greasie]

No Insurance

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."

The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.

[Sudo]

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig

and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm

gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said,

"Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let

the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and

puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's

house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our

houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said,

"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the

stick pig were so scared!

But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed

and a big, black stretch limo pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin

striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him

by the neck and beat the living $hit out of him, then one of them pulled

out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they got

back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those

guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins from Jersey ... the Guinea Pigs."

sudo

[Zixar]

One engineering student comes up to his friend, another engineering student, and notices he has a new bicycle.

"Where'd you get the bicycle?" asks the first student.

"It was the funniest thing. I was walking back to the dorm from the lab and this beautiful blonde chick pulled up on a bicycle."

"Go on..."

"Well, she stops in front of me, gets off the bike, strips naked, throws her clothes on the ground and says 'You can have anything you like, big boy!'"

The first student nods his head and says, "Good choice! The clothes would never have fit you!"

[Steve!]

As a software engineer is walking along, he looks down and sees a frog.

The frog says, "Ahem. Excuse me! If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and make you very happy!"

He picks up the frog and puts it into his pocket.

A while later, he takes out the frog and the frog says, "Hey! Kiss me! I'll turn back into a beautiful princess, and we'll have wild times together!"

He puts the frog back in his pocket.

A while later he takes the frog out, and the frog says, "Kiss me, and we'll make love all night long every night!"

He puts the frog back in his pocket.

A while later he takes it out again, and the frog asks, "What is wrong with you? why won't you kiss me?"

He says, "I work for Microsoft, I don't have time for a girlfriend. A talking frog, though, is way kewel!"

[Righteous Brother]

A foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of golf. At the 19th

hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, "How did your game go?"

The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did OK

with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth

was disappointed and said that he played badly with only two riders.

The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his

ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then

approached Jerry the bartender and asked, "Jerry, can you tell me what does

this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when

you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

RB

[Righteous Brother]

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside

restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her

glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were

back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a

distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the

restaurant.

When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the

car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're

in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

RB

[Righteous Brother]

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a

three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along

side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the

chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought,

I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the

chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45

mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the

chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long

driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the

chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of

three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the

farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife

and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken

leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding

this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite

piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."

RB

[Righteous Brother]

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of

a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

RB

[Zixar]

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force Pilots and the replies from the Maintenance crews.

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(M) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except "autoland" is very rough

(M) "Autoland" not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid

(M) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit

(M) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(M) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(M) Volume set to a more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(M) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(M) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground

(P) IFF inoperative

(M) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(M) That´s what they are there for

(P) Number three engine missing

(M) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(M) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums

(M) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

[Righteous Brother]

As long as you brought up "real" stuff. Here's one from my inbox.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

ACTUAL RADIO CONVERSATION

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a

US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of

Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by

the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South

to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to

the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15

degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say

again,divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE

SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.

WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND

NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR

COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE

DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO

ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

RB

[Zixar]

My friend Jim was a fueling-boom operator on a KC-135 tanker for years. This is one of his favorite jokes:

It's Christmas Eve, and Santa is heading out to the flight line to get the sleigh going. A man in aviator glasses walks up to him and says, "Hold it there, Mr. Kringle. I'm from the FAA, and it's past time for your safety-check. If you want to keep your pilot's license, I'll have to ride along and test you on safety procedures."

Santa says, "Well, it's a bit inconvenient, but I can't disappoint the kids."

The FAA instructor watches as Santa goes through a thorough inspection of the sleigh, checking the reindeer's harnesses, the tie-downs on the toys, then they both get in the sleigh and start down the preflight checklist item by item. They finish the list and get clearance to taxi from the tower.

"Oh, I should tell you something," says the FAA inspector as he pulls a shotgun out of his backpack and cocks it.

"I'm going to fail your number-four engine on takeoff!"

(p.s. But that's not the real punchline to the story! When Jim tells his wife SanDe this joke, she instantly came back with, "But how COULD he shoot Vixen????" (I admit I had to run down the list to verify it... That's just the kind of thing that SanDe WOULD know by heart!))

[Righteous Brother]

Now you got me thinking about Santa Jokes. Here's one of my favorites.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Santa's Trip

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left

for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the Earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a Conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the Sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas

RB

[Zshot]

Shyness Test

A very shy young man goes into a bar, sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour of gathering his courage he approaches her and asks, "Mind if I

sit with you and chat?"

The woman looks up at him and screams, "No, I won't sleep with you

tonight!!!"

Everyone in the crowded room turns and stares at the hapless fellow and the

woman. The young man is hopelessly embarrassed as he slinks back to his seat.

After a few minutes the woman gets up and approaches the still red faced

fellow.

She smiles, "Sorry I exploded like that but I'm a graduate student in

psychology and I'm doing research. I'm studying people's response to

embarrassing situations."

The young man nods and shouts, "Whattaya mean 200 dollars!!!" >>

[Steve!]

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, I keep hearing that song, 'What's New Pussycat'. What does it mean?"

The doctor says, "You've got 'Tom Jones' syndrome."

The man says, "Is it rare?"

Doc says, "It's not unusual."

[excathedra]

Subject: 7pm, top floor Wierwille

We're gonna have a corps doo.

This devil-possessed company is closing the office the end of this year. They gave me and a few others the option of relocating to _________ or taking a severance. As for me and my house, we're staying put, booms quick. I have been told I will we here until ________, and they then may contract me as a consultant.

My corps training has well-equipped me for any such eventuality.

Little do they know I was a part of 'upsetting the apple cart' maaany times.

I've been LEAD

I've gone through LightBearers.

I've done the WOW thing.

Thrice was I beaten with rods.

A night and a day have I spent on Bless Patrol.

Besides those things that are without, that which falleth upon me daily, the care of all the snack shops.

I have been pheasant hunting

completed Hunter's Safety

proven myself in multi-services

excelled in Mo-Tech

rose far above expectations in serving at the cult center in Sidney

witnessed teek leek his privates

painted barns red

assisted in the daily operations of the way fecal farm

hitchhiked cross country with a mere 10 spot

stood guard vigilantly at night owls

impressed the unimpressable during fun runs

shadowed the greatest of the great taking mental note of every minute, revelation-inspired action and utterance of the same.

I have become all things to all men that I might by all means save some money.

Lovest thou me??

Feed my sleep, for my eyes grow heavy as the cow-manure stench hanging over HQ on a muggy summer night.

[Yanagisawa]

Two men get on a plane and go to coach...they peer into first class and see a gentleman in a funny hat reading the paper.

"Look, there's the Pope," says one.

"Can't be," says the other.

"I swear that's the Pope," says the one.

"I'm very sure the Pope is going to fly commercial," says the other.

"I'm certain that's the Pope," says the the one, "I'm going up to ask him!"

He saunters up to first class, sticks his head through the curtain, and adresses the gentleman, "Excuse me sir, aren't you the Pope?"

The gentleman puts down his paper, glowers at him, and says, "Why don't you just f**k off!!"

The man goes back to his seat.

"Well, was it the Pope?" the other man asked.

"I don't know, he wouldn't say"

[Righteous Brother]

Q. How do you identify a bald eagle?

A. All of his feathers are combed to one side.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and, perhaps, try using lubrication.

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs,

and Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for two people who for eight years

repeatedly testified they couldn't remember anything.

Q. Have you heard about the amazing new discovery?

A. It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people

who have splitting headaches.

A man approached a local in a village he was visiting.

"What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"

Being married or single is a choice we all have to make.

It's not a great choice....it's sort of like when the doctor says,

"Ointment or suppositories?" - Richard Jeni

RB

[Pirate1974]

[Righteous Brother]

Haven't been here for a while so here's a new one to bring it back to the top.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."

RB

[Sudo]

A rich couple was going out for the evening when the woman

of the house decided to give the butler, Jeeves, the rest

of the night off. She said they would be home very late

and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out

the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came

home early. As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves

sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to

follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where

she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles.

"Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully.

"Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently

obeys her. "Jeeves. Take off my bra and panties." Again,

he silently obeys her. The tension was really getting tight

as she smiles and look at Jeeves. "Jeeves" she said "If I

ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

sudo

[Sudo]

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, has spent

25years of his life sentence in prison. He escapes, and while on the run,

breaks into a house and ties up a young couple who had been sleeping in the

bedroom. He ties the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on

thebed. He got on the bed right over the woman and it appeared he was kissing

her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible, the

husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and

whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing

your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he

wants.

If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.

Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad.

Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

She says, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right,

he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck...

He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute

and asked if we kept the vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, and I love you too

sudo

[excathedra]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and

finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks, "What's wrong?"

"The word is CELEBRATE," says the old monk.

[Righteous Brother]

The Washington Post published a contest for readers

in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings

for various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight

you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a

flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you

absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you

up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a

proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with

Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

RB

[Steve!]

A man joins a monastery, to become a monk.

The abbott there says, "We have a vow of silence. You may speak only 2 words every 5 years."

The man agrees.

5 years go by, and the abbott says, "What would you like to say?"

He says, "Cold food." The abbott says, "I'll look into it."

5 more years go by. The abbott says, "What would you like to say?"

The man says, "Hard bed." The abbott replies, "I'll take care of that."

5 more years, the abbott says, "What would you like to say?"

He says, "I QUIT!"

Abbott says, "Good, you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"