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Still Blessed but Searching


IRead
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It's been years since I left twi, but my heart still hurts. No I haven't got the emotional scars some of you have, and left twi on a relatively positive note. I guess I'm seeking closure in the forgiveness arena. So, when I happened upon GS, I read most all the posts, learning what had transpired since our departure and figuring out the lingo. (The hardest were M&A and POP.) But finally the light dawned and I began to see how opening myself up might help the forgiveness. I've read a lot of what Dr. John Juede has posted elsewhere, and if you want, see my companion post "What Churches do you attend?" I split these because I have a tendency to wordiness and don't want to scare readers away by the length of my missive.

I got involved in twi in 1976, beginning PFAL on Staten Island right after the big bicentennial tall ships event in NY harbor. I am ever so grateful to Jerry D. *rown for telling me and my roommate about twig and the class. I had been searching for God and the purpose of life, so this was an answer to prayer. That first audiotape class was tedious, but I stuck to it. After all, I was newly on my own at 19 and didn't want to waste a hard-earned $100.

The fellowship was sweet and the Word did live. I really felt like the 1st century church. My parents were good about taking my sisters and I to church, but I never really learned anything. Even after going through their "confirmation" I still didn't know what Pentecost was, and was pretty much ignorant of what was in the Bible besides some gospel and OT stories.

One of the great things (I thought) of twi was that upon being transferred to Seattle I just called HQ and got a phone # of the LC who put me in touch with a local twig. Yep, vpw sure had it organized all right. Everyone was loving and helpful in those years. Later back in NY I picked up a new fellowship and went to lots of area meetings etc. I recall going to the city of brotherly love for (I think it was called) weekend in the word. J. Lynn was there (I think he was LC in Albany circa 1979.) I don't know who (besides vpw) or what was covered that weekend, but I still carry nothing but positive memories of J. Lynn to this day. He struck me as one of the sharpest people I have ever met.

I took part in both PFAL'77 and AC'79. I recall I was going to cancel out on PFAL'77 at the last minute, but got a card from Rosalie R. She seemed genuinely concerned for my well being.... Anyway, both were high times. The fellowship was good and I spent a lot of time in "The House of His Healing Presence" thinking about my future and God. The settings were lavish and it seemed like twi really spent the bucks for these events. It seemed so weird though to hear "our father in the word" so frequently. Where had that phrase come from? As others did, I unfortunately just accepted it. In retrospect, those events were probably a turning point in the ministry. I remember being, as others have written, scared upon returning home from the AC, that someone was going to ask me to do some miracle. I didn't feel any different, just had more head knowledge of vpw's interpretation of the word. (Still have the group photos... ebay anyone?)

Within the past few years, I discovered my parents had been concerned enough with my involvement with twi to the point where my sister had volunteered to "go in" and learn what twi was all about. I love her for that, but am grateful she did not, knowing now what she might have been subject to.

Finally the time came I could go WOW in 83-84. (Remember that stupid, sad poem vpw would read every year as we were being "commissioned?" I wonder if he stole that too.) Being a WOW was really a pretty good experience. Sure it was hard, spartan and controlling. My folks came to CA for some meeting during that year, were a scant 150 miles or so away, but I couldn't leave to go see them.... But I remember the positive times and really don't consider learning how to be brave to walk up to just about anybody and start a conversation, a bad thing. In some regards I learned a lot about what commitment was (good for when you are married!!), learned about being sure of myself and speaking in front of people. That alone has helped me in years since. We rang a lot of doorbells and had a good time. I hope Yvonne, Elizabeth, and Keith remember it the same way. I love and miss you guys, hope you haven't been hurt too badly.

I know Keith had been planning to go corps after WOW, but then lcm announced some big deal about not allowing cigarette smokers in the group. Keith was very dissed at this, I hope he didn't do corps....

Some of our new PFAL grads came with us to the roa in '84. Matter of fact, I met my future wife that week when my newby, a fellow bicycle fanatic, introduced us on the spur of the moment. Thank you Ray for doing that. It had to have been God's handiwork as she has always been a loving helpmeet ever since. She had just taken the class that summer and was very new to twi. We were each able to attend vpw's first, last, and only, teaching at the "WOW" Auditorium and spent most of the time holding hands. Wonder what was taught?... We were married before roa '85. And, upon receiving a phone call after vpw died, she was the first one I called. She truly is my better half and I believe God brought us together. We were married in Peoria IL with the LC, Mark (the bald one) officiating at our wedding. C. LaMattina's wife sang for us. (I've since heard good things about his current fellowship in Chicagoland. Too bad we left before meeting up with them again.)

After the wedding she and I were both in school and sort of involved with twig. But, being newlyweds we thought we were bunnies and furthermore didn't live too close to the twig. Besides, my wife didn't really like the TC. Sad, his was probably another of those marriages likely broken because of twi. My spouse is definitely more spiritually aware. She knew something was there, I never saw it.

We sort of drifted away from twi slowly. Our twig must have been sort of still together in '87 because I remember them all showing up for a surprise party for me when I turned 30. Our last roa was '86 and I spent a good portion of it sick in bed, so missed most of lcm's spittle. We didn't intentionally stop going, it's just that I was busy going to summer school 3 years in a row. By then the TC's marriage was rocky and we were working, trying to build a family. Sure God came first and prayer was frequent, but worship was in last place. We attended neither fellowship nor church from about 1987 to approximately 1997. We talked about it, but just never quite made it a practice.

So there you have it, not terribly sad, but I am still not satisfied either. I am blessed we didn’t go through the fog years and were sheltered from M&A etc. I am glad simply to know that JC is my salvation and not some man like vpw. That charlatan was merely an instrument in getting me Born Again. I have since learned more of the Bible than twi taught. My sole remaining issue is, as I have posted before, learning to forgive. I know it's one of our keys to freedom. I was "let go" from a job once and while I've never forgotten the episode, I have learned not to hate the man who did it. I have to reach that point with twi, hopefully someday soon.

In Him,

IRead

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IRead,

I don't know if this will help your or not, but I have found it is easier for me not to get so mad about the control and manipulation both twi and my hubby had me under, when I also look at what kind of person I was to allow this to continue happening to me?

This isn't an exercise in guilt or shame or anything, just a very objective look at the truth of things in order for me to get the right perspective:

They were egotistical fools and they were evil. I was gullable and needy and loyal to a fault. This is a bad combination so bad things happened. Now I am stronger and they are even bigger fools.

There is absolutely nothing I can do to influence or change them so I had to forgive myself for no longer trying. There is absolutely nothing I can do to alter my history with them so I had to forgive myself for letting it happen in the first place. My ex was/is even needier than I was and so I can forgive him because it's really kinda sad. And I am re-learning that God is bigger than any group of evil men, and so I am beginning to be thankful again, that at least they did teach me more about God as a father, and how to get around in my Bible than any other church I've ever attended.

And so I ask you: exactly what are you looking to forgive?

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Thank you, 'HighWay, I am glad you wrote. I never thought about what kind of person I was to be so gullible and open to exploitation. You are right, we are out and stronger, twi is now a bigger fool.

I guess I need to forgive myself for letting it happen in the first place. Hmm, that does help. Funny I never gave thought to it quite that way.... I did learn things from the whole experience, and have a deeper connection with God as a result.

I forgive me. I am blessed. I'm free. Thanks God!

Thanks to all of you. I'm so glad I'm a part of the Family of God.

In JC,

IRead

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IRead...

I'm so glad what I wrote was helpful. It was a cumulation of a lot of thought and a lot of people's input over the past two years.

I've just found that shouldering responsibility for my part makes me less of a victim, and so helps me feel less helpless and angry about things. It most certainly doesn't absolve those who did evil from what they did... they caused myself and loads of others a great deal of harm!! But the truth is, I was (unfortunately) an active participant and made bad decisions and hopefully I have learned a lot (even if it was the hard way) and won't ever let it happen again.

I was human... I blew it... I forgive me.

It took a long time for me to finally wake up and admit all that. But once I did, it put me in the driver's seat again. And that's a WONDERFUL place to be!!

[This message was edited by TheHighWay on July 24, 2002 at 9:27.]

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  • 8 years later...

When I took PFAL I thought God had beamed down on me a "special" blessing. I felt like a highly-favored human in the pool of mankind. Now, I know I spent years being manipulated and used.

Today, I live by "common sense' realizing that no one religion or ministry has ALL the answers. Follow your heart and do what blesses you in this life.

Perhaps you ned to search for "you" now.

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