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Change! What a wonderful thing!


Shelly
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I am so excited for me!

While in TWI I had mastered the harshness and arrogance necessary for “living” with the laws set forth.

You know the ones I mean, the “grace, but” variety, the good vs. best kind? Remember how you would honestly do your best, only to hear you could have done better? Remember when YOU KNEW it was right, for example, to give your ABS to the person who gave you a ride to fellowship, only to be bashed by your TC/FC for not putting God first and giving it to the ministry instead? Remember when you had seen something in the Bible that just blew you away, only to have the joy ripped from your heart as you shared it with someone you respected? Remember your honest, heart-searching, prayerful questions and decisions getting you labeled as possessed?

I chose to become hard and arrogant, as opposed to crushed, by my constant exposure to criticism. I can remember the moment it started. It was about 3 ½ years into my Way Stay. I developed it for another 5 years.

Anyway, I was what so many hate about TWI. I have been trying to change that about me for years now.

Well today I saw progress! I went to the store and while I was waiting to pay for my purchase, the person in front of me was telling the cashier to put one of her items back because she didn’t have enough money. It was only small change so I said just add it to my bill and I would cover it. The girl mumbled a thank you and left. I felt good for taking the opportunity to give.

As I was driving off I saw the girl going back into the store with money in her hand. There was a time that that would have sent me into a rage of self-righteous indignation. “How dare she except help from me when she didn’t really need it!” Sick attitude, I know, but it was mine. Always trying to control everything. Even the things I had given.

Today, however, my response was different. I was pleasantly surprised to realize that it didn’t matter to me. I didn’t fly off into a rage of indignation. I just drove happily home thinking of “how I used to be.” I acted on something I wanted to do and the results were unimportant.

I just think that is so cool!

OK, tell me you can relate to this “Ah-ha” experience. The thing is, I thought some things in my life would never change after TWI. If it happened to me, there is hope for all!

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quote:
As I was driving off I saw the girl going back into the store with money in her hand. There was a time that that would have sent me into a rage of self-righteous indignation. “How dare she expect help from me when she didn’t really need it!” Sick attitude, I know, but it was mine. Always trying to control everything. Even the things I had given.

Today, however, my response was different. I was pleasantly surprised to realize that it didn’t matter to me. I didn’t fly off into a rage of indignation. I just drove happily home thinking of “how I used to be.” I acted on something I wanted to do and the results were unimportant.


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I like it! icon_smile.gif:)-->

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Congradulations Shelly! I left twi 17 years ago and for me, it's been an evolution of changing a little at a time...today there is very little (if any) waybrain left in me...I have learned the meaning of the phrase "purpose within myself" quite well. I choose who to give to and why...it's a great feeling when it happens from the heart and not a religious dogma. It takes awhile for all that "conditioning" to wear off...but rest assured, it does.

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yeah I know shelly I had that hppen to me this year to how great you told your story.

I will tell mine .

somone I know and care about went to jail recently for a very stupid reason, he didnt pay a fine and they put a bench warrant out on him .

so I somhow through the grape vine heard he was in jail for two weeks waiting to go to court for a thirty dollar fine.

his bail was over a thousand dollars. I went up to see him I used his one and only vist he said he was fine. As I left I paid his bail .

I do not have a grand to give to a guy who refused to pay a thirty dollar fine OK? who wouldnt go to court and now is sitting in jail because of it, if he didnt go to court I would have lost my 1200 dollars. He never asked me to pay his bail I just did because I dint think he should have been in jail .

he did say thank you a few days later and I said I do hope you go to court so i can get my money back and he said he would.

WELL the responses I got fromeveryone was so outrageous.

he wont go, you just lost a thousand etc. I said look I wanted to do it so I did and I felt good about it. I said if something happens to me like that I hope someone will help me out. I meant it.

he went to court I got my money back by the way and he paid the fee for the bail.

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Long story short...I was in a new job less than a month & totalled my company car! The next day, a regional sales mgr was extremely kind to me & told me life isn't fair sometimes & just move on.

Later that day a woman was at the gas station. She asked me for 30 cents. I said no. I got in my car & started to think of my good fortune. I called her over & told her that someone was very kind to me today & although I normally don't hand money out, I gave her $5. She started crying & thanked me profusely.

I wish I gave her $20. I sure could have. But she must have really needed it.

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Shelly,

I want to thank you for such a beautiful post. You have certainly touched me.

There are about 20 things I'd love to talk about in your post.

It was difficult for me to chose what I wanted to talk about but I thought I'd start with this line you wrote.

quote:
I acted on something I wanted to do and the results were unimportant.


I could write a book on that line alone. Man oh man ... what I saw in the ministry so often was that it became...how's this going to affect me? If someone gets hurt, in an accident etc. we were not concerned for the individual as much as 'how are we going to explain this to our leader?' It became an 'all about me' ministry. How despicable... how un-Christian!

And now you have arrived at the point where you don't care about the results...wowza!!! That's momentus! You could act as your heart so desired and you were at peace with yourself knowing no matter the results...you were content with you.

That's so cool!

I'm excited for you!

Thank you for sharing what you did! It made my day too!

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{{{{{Shelly!!!!!!!!!}}}}}

And of course there are such moments in all of our lives.

I'll never forget the first time I enjoyed talking with a group of folks from Kansas Neurological Institute without wanting to cast out devil spirits...or even thinking about devil spirits at all. It was like, "Man! I am finally getting over twi mentality!"

Hooray for you! icon_biggrin.gif:D-->

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quote:
Today, however, my response was different. I was pleasantly surprised to realize that it didn’t matter to me. I didn’t fly off into a rage of indignation. I just drove happily home thinking of “how I used to be.” I acted on something I wanted to do and the results were unimportant.

Shelly, actually I think I'm the opposite of you. When I was in twi, I would have probably let it slip, thinking positives and loving thoughts, thinking about how I will receive back for giving. Today, I'd be running after them in a rage, demanding my money back! and on the way to my vehicle, I'd yell at the beggars asking for money outside the supermarket doors.

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I'm back...

quote:
Remember how you would honestly do your best, only to hear you could have done better?

Holy Moly, you could write a book on that statement alone!! Talk about control issues!

I hated Corps Assessments for that reason alone. I would cringe everytime we had to sit through those things.

The wildest thing was the "leader" would sit through the meeting...listen to your meager attempts to try and somehow be approved in front of them and then proceed to bash any ounce of self-esteem you had left. Nothing it seemed was ever good enough!

My husband and I were usually in an area were we had little contact with the 'leader' (usually due to geographical distance) and then this 'leader' would somehow waltze into our lives and somehow summize it in an afternoon or so. I can't believe I let those b*stards to that to me!

I'm better now! icon_biggrin.gif:D-->

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I have given money to people standing outside KMart parking lots or in front of stores just because. It does feel good. I no longer think "Get a job you freakin' loser." like my self-righteous old self used to.

Earlier this year when at a Target, a girl approached me telling me she ran out of gas and asked if I had some change. I gave her a lot more than change. She was elated. I was glad to give it to her. If I were in that situation, I would appreciate anyone giving me some help.

I don't tithe anymore, so I feel like I can help people who really need it. I feel much better about that than trusting some organization to spend my money.

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We have toll roads where I live and when I'm having a bad day or bad week I give the toll attendant $5 or $10 and tell them to keep $3-$5 for themselves and pay for x number of cars behind me.

Usually they say, "really?" very surprised and I just smile and say, "Yes, really. have a great day!" The regular toll boot attendants I see daily know me and always smile when I come through even if I don't give out extra money. It's such a good feeling to help someone even in the smallest way.

Shelly, this is an excellent post! And good to read you again.

quote:
Remember when you had seen something in the Bible that just blew you away, only to have the joy ripped from your heart as you shared it with someone you respected?

I SOOOOO relate to this! I would see something (usually not lined up with the teaching) and get in trouble for not staying on topic or they would go into some long-winded bombastic explanation of all the things I didn't see in the section. If it didn't match TWI doctrine they would just look at me funny and change the subject.

How rude and disheartening. Thank God I don't have to go through that anymore. It makes learning so much more exciting.

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Belle:

"We have toll roads where I live and when I'm having a bad day or bad week I give the toll attendant $5 or $10 and tell them to keep $3-$5 for themselves and pay for x number of cars behind me."

While stationed in Italy, we maintained a bag of candy in our car, each trip shopping for food Bonnie wold routinely give the tollbooth collectors a peice of candy. they soon began calling her the "Confectionary Madam". We thought it was great.

I did not drive the toll-roads as much, but always gave candy to the gate guards and the policia standing in the intersections directing traffic. They loved it.

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I am so glad people can relate to my post! Thank you all for your stories and comments. I have had a few tuff days at work and you have caused me to smile. icon_smile.gif:)-->

Oldiesman, you said,

quote:
Shelly, actually I think I'm the opposite of you. When I was in twi, I would have probably let it slip, thinking positives and loving thoughts, thinking about how I will receive back for giving. Today, I'd be running after them in a rage, demanding my money back! and on the way to my vehicle, I'd yell at the beggars asking for money outside the supermarket doors.

I’m curious. What changed?

Waterbuffalo, I almost didn’t register with my real name because of confusion with Shellon. It is just when Jesse, my dog, died I realized the strength he had given me was now my own. I thought I would try standing on “my own two feet,” so to speak. Maybe I will go back to being JesseJoe. He was some special animal! He helped me be someone I could live with. Anyway, sorry for the confusion. And what you said about Shellon – my sentiments exactly.

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quote:
Originally posted by Belle:

they would go into some long-winded bombastic explanation of all the things I didn't see in the section.


I hated that! Maybe they were concerned with me and just wanted to add to the knowledge I had gained. But the results were resentment and hard-heartedness.

When I first heard that twi started telling people what to study, I couldn’t believe it. Talk about NOT working out your own salvation with fear and trembling! How sad. Are they still as “directive” as that? Anyone still in, or recently out, know?

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Isn't fresh air sweet?

For a "Christian" group, TWI certainly wasn't the most philanthropic bunch of "believers", now were they?

I remember LCM bragging that he was proud they weren't. I'm sure people who had come to them for help really appreciated hearing that.

Yup - here I've given TWI thousands of dollars and they can't give me a red cent to help with a major life crisis! They just told people to believe bigger or that there was holes in their believing and that's why they had a crisis....

Nope, they aren't philanthropic - philanderers would be a more apt description!

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quote:
I’m curious. What changed?

Shelly, don't really know, except maybe back then, I was renewing my mind to biblical concepts, verses, etc. You know, those retemories. Quoting daily those verses of scripture and feeling the need to live up to those. Asking myself, "What would Jesus do in this situation?" I don't ask that question hardly anymore. I should.

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Thanks for the reply, Oldies. I appreciate your candor.

quote:
"... feeling the need to live up to those."

I understand. When I left I was so tired of living up to those standards. It took me a long while to realize that it wasn’t even God’s standards I was trying to meet. It was “leadership’s” ideas of what those standards were. Not that that is/was the case with you. You just got me thinking.

You remember auxano, or however you spell it? What was it, growth without compulsion? I never understood that. I mean, why did I have to work so hard for something that was supposed to be so natural? Push, push, push and force the growth. Make it happen by shear will and works. It really was works, all of it. Grace was replaced by how well I did or how long I forced myself to SIT. It was replaced by how many fellowships I attended and if I ABSed. Grace was replaced by my arrogance and lack of humility.

It is much easier now. Auxano really is a wonderful thing.

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Shelly,

It seemed for me that when I finally let go of trying to be spiritual and let "God" just be... plus allow all avenues/medias to be opened to my understanding,(about God) that is when a healing graceful connectedness with "God" incured. I could not persue God in the realm of Way brain but had to step outside of it. I believe TWI not only put us in a controlled box but also put God there too. It's because we live outside of that box we can finally be our true selves and enjoy companionship with the God we gave our lives to TWI for.

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