While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position...
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always rough draft before the masterpiece.
The husband says, "Honey, let's set up a code for the rest of our marriage. Every night, if you want sex pull on my penis twice. If you don't, pull on it one hundred times."
I am renaming my mail folders as we speak!!!!!!!! That would be the day....One of my husbands one liners to the family is....WATCH AND LEARN! If he would just take another moment before saying that and just think it through, he would not have to look at our perplexed faces. We have learned that he makes mistakes. Better him than us. HAHAHAH That has always brought laughter to us all. We love him just the way he is.
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!
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Suda
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position...
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always rough draft before the masterpiece.
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topoftheworld
Thank you! Priceless.
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T-Bone
My favorite is the silent treatment - oops was I not supposed to come in here?
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Suda
T-Bone,
You and all the male GSers are welcome here. Especially if they are . . .
I sure get a good chuckle out of jokes showing the foibles of us women.
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dmiller
A man walks up to a drop-dead gorgeous blonde, who had tatoos all over her.
He --- "You're SUCH a beautiful woman! Why did you do this to yourself???
She --- "You're SUCH a handsome man. Why did you open your mouth????
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Belle
My favorite is the couple on their honeymoon:
The husband says, "Honey, let's set up a code for the rest of our marriage. Every night, if you want sex pull on my penis twice. If you don't, pull on it one hundred times."
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Ca_dreaming
I am renaming my mail folders as we speak!!!!!!!! That would be the day....One of my husbands one liners to the family is....WATCH AND LEARN! If he would just take another moment before saying that and just think it through, he would not have to look at our perplexed faces. We have learned that he makes mistakes. Better him than us. HAHAHAH
That has always brought laughter to us all. We love him just the way he is. 
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Tom Strange
hmmmmm....
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Tom Strange
Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A: There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his truck.
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dmiller
If a man says something, and there is no woman around to hear it ---
Is he still wrong??? ;)
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SafariVista
What fun reading
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Suda
Great Signs From Restrooms
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
Women's restroom in Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's
"Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shi+.
Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war...
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's Restroom, The House of Representatives, Washington DC
Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
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Suda
Women are not supposed to
snore,
burp,
sweat or
pass gas.
Therefore, we must bi+ch or will will blow up.
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Suda
EXERCISE
-----Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
You could run this over to your friends but why not just post it to them!
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Suda
As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and
all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the foot are permanent.
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Shellon
ROFL amen sister
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CoolWaters
I LOVE those "As I've Matured" lines!!!!
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dmiller
http://www.dobhran.com/humor/GRhumor255.htm
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topoftheworld
Funny, David-where do you find this stuff?
It's payback for all the football widows! And it cost less!
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Suda
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
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topoftheworld
Boy, do I feel better!!
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