Jade

maybe we should go on SNOPES.COM to see which really came first... chicken or the egg.. dont want wrong info put on here. (even if if is just meant to be funny)

wimps.com has # 7 on tape. besides, just thought this $*@! was funny if you dont then i really dont give a $*@!

2005 Darwin Awards Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked... And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a$20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

they arent uncomfortable! just like not even having any on.. cant tell they are there. AND that way you have no panty line...... pany line is un-classy. :)

no one else wants to tells us about themselves ? come on .. dont be shy !

no .. there is a differance. i HATE only one person i get mad at people all time

How to treat a woman: Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. How To Treat a Man: Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

im soo very happy for the both of you ! congrats congrats congrats!!!!!

God & the Blonde A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto!I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays. "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this... BUY A TICKET

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY, Jan.30,2006 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoid ing The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Chicken sandwiches Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what..... A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!

These are some really interesting facts: "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?) It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (I'll bet you're going to check this out.) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple< /FONT>. *** "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?) The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). ( Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.) There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous (You're not doubting this, are you?) There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say ...... a e i o u) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out) All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. (but who really cares?) A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is) A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.) Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red ligh ts. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. The average person's lef t hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that) The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.< BR>There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a d ance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

how bout.... hey your penis is gonna fall out..... ZIP YOUR PANTS! lol lol lol lol lol

THE GOOD NAPKINS...ahhhhh...the joys of having girls... My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake) One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake)... Now, fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next, in came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next, in came my father, who roared with laughter. Then in came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!"

glad you liked the social secrutiy one.. it was cute i thought. :) here is another bonde joke .. A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. He tells her, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the Blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The Blonde nods and answers, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asks the doctor "No", replied the Blonde, "From skipping"

An Italian Mother Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Maria... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates." About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Momma Lesson: Never lie to your Momma...especially, if she's Italian.

hi ma ..

FUNNY LAUGHS FOR WOMEN One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to Me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb... _______________________________________ A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you..." _________________________________________ "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. ________________________________________ He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. ______________________________________ He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said -Turn sideways and look in the mirror ____________________________________ A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! __________________ A PRAYER.... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN ________________________________ Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. __________________________________ Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: one-he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three -- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. _________________________________ Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. _________________________________ Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A: Because not one will stop and ask directions. __________________________________ Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts. ___________________________________ Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. _____________________________________ Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. __________________________________ Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

A Social Security story that only those on Social Security can relate to After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at Home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing mycurly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.

HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't" she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said. Gotta watch those little old ladies [/font]

SOMEBODY SAID... Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby . Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "Normal," is history. Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct .. Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping. Somebody said being a mother is boring ...... Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit. Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good." Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee. Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices . Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window. Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother. Somebody never helped a fourth grader with her math. Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first. Somebody doesn't have five children. Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books ....... Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears. Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery ..... Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten. or on a plane headed for military "boot camp." Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back ....... Somebody never organized four giggling Brownies to sell cookies. Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married ... Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings. Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home .... Somebody never had grandchildren. Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her . Somebody isn't a mother.

lets see who we can get to complain about this.... EX> that never really happened... blah blah blah. if you want to laugh then read if not, then dont. There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........ "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

Drinking Tequila This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila. Guywalks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it. Second -There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

i know that some of you will find SOMETHING wrong with some thing said on here... i just thought it was cute so dont go getting all upset. For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a refresher course... The liquid inside young conconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!) Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man." Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Pearls melt in vinegar. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs....... but not downstairs A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!) And the best for last......Turltes can breath through thier butts. (I know some people like that don't YOU?) Now you know everything there is to know.

you can come to my house,,, i have a very cranky baby who is trying to get 4 teeth in at one time.. the wining will make that song go away.. LOL poor baby girl .. 4 at once thats tuff