Hello. Second thread I am posting on.
I don't know you, you don't know me but I have daughters too.
Your daughter is at the age where she is learning to swim by herself so to speak. Sometimes they will flounder when they get into new 'waters.'
Your daughter is in new waters with this girl. Her training up to now has not covered how to deal with this type of person. But for your daughter to learn to survive now, especially in middle school when they all turn into emotional tornadoes and later in life, she will, as with everyone else in the world, learning new coping skills.
To be a well rounded person, that person is going to have to learn tell others to bug off and mean it. This is the age when my daughter had to learn to say, "f u."
It went against all I taught her; to be nice, turn the other cheek, be loving, love those who aren't accepted. Then like the diaper commerical, we had to get real.
Reality is your daughter is first responsible to lover herself and respect herself first and foremost. Only then can she be a good friend to others. Otherwise, she is a doormat. Sorry, but my family and my children had to learn the hard way too. Our children need to learn to push back when they are maltreated. It's not a pretty side to life, but one can not be good all the time to everyone. It's not possible.
So our children have to learn to be good to themselves even if that makes them feel selfish.
Your daughter, like everyone else who has had to learn this type of lesson, will have to do this by herself, you can't do it for her. You can advise her when she gets home, but you cannot do this for her. To go to school and try to separate her and that other child, no matter how annoying they are, is not helping your daughter learn the necessary coping skills she needs to deal with situations that are unpleasant. Once your child, or anyone else for that matter, gets tired of a situation and sees that no one will bail them out, they will figure out how to deal with it.
This other child cannot be removed from the school and you cannot put a restraining order on her. Don't even consider that. The child may have unhealthy attachments but she has done nothing illegal, has not threatened the life of your child.
The school cannot do more than to make sure that the girls are not in the same classroom together. They cannot make sure that they are separated during lunch or recess as that places them in a position where they can be sued by the other girl's parents. Remember, the shadow girl has done nothing deemed wrong or that puts other students in danger. The school has a line to walk as well and if the only complaint you have is that she tries to dominate your daughter's social life, I am sorry, but every judge or lawyer you would go to should you chose to take legal action would look at you like you grew another head.
This is one of those times you need to let go and let your child figure out life. Removing her from school only prolongs the problem and doesn't solve anything. There are icky people no matter where she will go and they are always people who will try to dominate and bully. The best solution is to learn how to stand up to them. Yes, that is hard. Yes, that will cause pain. Most growth experiences do revolve around pain. "Growing pains." No, you didn't bring your daughter into the world to suffer; but that is unavoidable, life is full of pain.
Having stomach aches along with other signs of anxiety is not uncommon. Perhaps the best thing you can do now for her is to seek out some type of counseling outside of the school to help her deal with it.
Being nice and loving is great but it is unbalanced if a person never learns to put down their foot every once in awhile. We have to love ourselves too and first before we can help others.
