Righteous Brother

As long as you brought up "real" stuff. Here's one from my inbox.

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ACTUAL RADIO CONVERSATION

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a

US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of

Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by

the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South

to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to

the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15

degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say

again,divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE

SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.

WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND

NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR

COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE

DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO

ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

RB

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of

a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

RB

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a

three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along

side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the

chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought,

I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the

chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45

mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the

chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long

driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the

chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of

three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the

farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife

and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken

leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding

this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite

piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."

RB

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside

restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her

glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were

back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a

distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the

restaurant.

When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the

car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're

in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

RB

A foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of golf. At the 19th

hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, "How did your game go?"

The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did OK

with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth

was disappointed and said that he played badly with only two riders.

The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his

ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then

approached Jerry the bartender and asked, "Jerry, can you tell me what does

this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when

you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

RB

Last I heard ( fall of 2000 ) they were living in Florida and happily out.

Real good folks.

RB

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm reboot for Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key. For Windows it's Ctrl, Alt, Delete simultaneously.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake

RB

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, or Missouri, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the state.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a

four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped - by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for. . . bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines

that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70 & 80 go two ways and Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot. . . his name is "Sir". . . no matter how old he is.

RB

REDNECKS TIPS

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GENERAL

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

RB

I'm all over it

RB

Woo Hoo!!!

A decent days work for a decent days wage. Thanks for the bucket.

Glad you got everything up and running. The avitar looks good too.

See ya 'round the 'spot.

RB

Steve... It looks good on ya.

I agree with you that the URL may have been entered incorrectly.

Finz, it gets entered differently depending upon where you are going to use it. If you want to use it as an avitar, Go into My Spot | Profile | Click on your avitar. Then under "Custom Avitar" all you have to do is enter the complete url beginning with http://...

If you are going to use it within your signature, you will have to enclose the url with (IMG SRC=" ") (substitute the ( ) for html brackets )

Between the " "'s enter the url where the graphic is stored.

Hope this helps.

RB

The best I know of is the one I have.

Follow this link for info.

RB

I was able to get the dolphin to work "as is" as my avitar.

Just for giggles, try this link.

http://www.customadecomputers.com/dolphin.gif

I saved it to my web site and linked to it as an avitar. It worked for me in the test forum.

I don't think that size is a factor here for avitars. My "golf swing" is saved as 134 X 106 pixels and it automatically gets resized when it displays here.

let me know if you have any questions

RB

Let's crank out another.........

RB

New sig.............

RB

Try this....

[This message was edited by Righteous Brother on July 12, 2002 at 9:52.]

Updating sigs...

RB

I like that one.

RB

[This message was edited by Righteous Brother on July 10, 2002 at 19:27.]

I'll be there next January.

RB

Cool pix, Zix

RB

You mentioned that the "service" is turned on. Is that the phone service, or the DSL service? (or both) You DO have the DSL set up for your new apartment, don't you?

... just a thought.

I don't know if you need a special cable for DSL or not. I have a cable modem which is a different setup. But if you do need one, Radio Shack should have one. Why not give them a call and ask them (anonomously, of course) if they have one. If so, go pick one up.

Hope this helps.

RB

Cool

Very impressive explanation on the workings of the sun.

There's no end to whatcha can learn here on GSC.

RB

It must be painful for you to recount that part of your life even now after so many years.

I too remember when "he who must not be named" came to WI. At that time, he reinforced in my mind what a Man of God ought to be. Part of what spurred us to go in residence. I considered him a friend right up until the day we were M&A'd. that's when I saw his true colors. On that day, he just turned hs back on us and let us sink.

You tugged my heart inside out when I read what you were forced to endure.

Glad you and your son are out and that you still have your right mind.

((((((((((((((((( bowtwi ))))))))))))))))))

RB