Jade

your funny abi !

love ya !

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Wife knows everything

i dont care who you are that .... was funny! ( larry the cable guy )

it was funny

people need to have a sense of humor.

all kinds of other dumb stuff goes on here.

after all this is "just plain silly" and that was

WHERE IS MY FUNNY SH!T POST? WHY DID IT GET ERASED?

WHO WANT'S TO HEAR GOOD, LOGICAL REASONS TO HAVE SEX?!!!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering

dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of

euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the

opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE

EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and

lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

:) this was totally accurate for me!! i got a 46. it is me perfectly! what did you get? :)

Dr. Phil's Test: Here you go. Try This!

Below is Dr. Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this on Oprah, she got

a 38.)

Read on, this very interesting!

Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only

takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends.

The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box.

Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the

person who sent it to you). Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll

down and answer.

Answers are for who you are now...not who you were in the past. Have pen or

pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations

Dept. at many of the major corporations today.

It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective

employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so...grab a pencil and paper,

keeping track of your letter answers to each question.

Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you

are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send it to the person

who sent this to you. Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.

Ready?? Begin...

1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning

b) during the afternoon & early evening

c) late at night

2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps

b) fairly fast, with little steps

c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face

d) less fast, head down

e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you...

a) stand with you arms folded

b) have your hands clasped

c) have one or both your hands on your hips

d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking

e) play with you ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with...

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

b) your legs crossed

c) your legs stretched out or straight

d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...

a) big appreciated laugh

b) a laugh, but not a loud one

c) a quiet chuckle

d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you

b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know

c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...

a) welcome the break

b) fell extremely irritated

c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like the most?

a) red or orange

b) black

c) yellow or light blue

d) green

e) dark blue or purple

f) white

g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to

sleep you are...

a) stretched out on your back

b) stretched out face down on your stomach

c) on your side, slightly curled

d) with your head on one arm

e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling

b) fighting or struggling

c) searching for something or somebody

d) flying or floating

e) you usually have dreamless sleep

f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 © 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 © 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3. (a) 4 (b) 2 © 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 © 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 © 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 © 2

7. (a) 6 (b) 2 © 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 © 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 © 4 (d) 2 (e)1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 © 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care."

You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant.

Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always

trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, lightly volatile, rather

impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions,

though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventure-some,

someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an

adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you

radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you a fresh, lively, charming, amusing,

practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of

attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head.

They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll

always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical.

They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest.

Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's

extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in

return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake

your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get

over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you

as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.

It would really surprise them if you every did something impulsively or on

the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully

from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this

reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone

who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions

& who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as

a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think

you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

it really is pretty stuff. and bowti we have a hole NEW catalog since you last bought! it is our spring and summer collection. let me know if you ( or ANYONE ) wants to purchase any thin. REMINDER : mothers day is may 8th!

i SELL jewelry. i dont make it but i am a jewelry advisor. the company is lia sophia. we do in home parties. the money is GREAT and you make your own schedual. you can go to my website and check it out. www.liasophia.com/sami i really enjoy it. and you dont need a license or anything. if you would like more info you can email me ! k_jade05@yahoo.com

sami

:)

your momma has a lazy eye so bad

she got divorsed for seeing someone on the side

your momma's so dumb

she thought tupac shukar was a jewish holiday

your momma's so hairy

she'd give you the hair off her back

your momma is so stupid

i taught her the running man

and i havent seen the b''' since.

your momma's so cross eyed

she was having sex and thought it was a threesome

your momma is so dark

and her teeth are so yellow

when she smiles she looks like a pitsbug steelers helmet

your momma's breath so stank

she made altoids go on strike

JUST SO EVERYONE IS CLEAR: I DID NOT GO TO SNOPES, AND I DID NOT GET A REAL PHILOSOPHERS EXPERT ADVICE. JUST GOT THIS IN AN EMAIL AND THOUGH IT WAS CUTE.

Philosophy

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize

cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her

brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.

They

always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to

hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting yourhair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same

time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of

milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white

shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's

lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a

tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a

few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that

held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on

the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the

fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the

preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can

do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the

same sensation from a

rocking chair that you once got from a rolle

coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers

but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy

beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes

alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . having friends.

At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass

your way; BUT NEVER forget

the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

Take the time to live!!!

Life is too short

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell

have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his

privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to

play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,

instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a

hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

i am never moving again. and if i do i wont ever do it when i am 38 months pregnant. not fun.

DESSERT TEST

No cheating. If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in

Front of you, which would you choose? Pick your dessert, and then look to

See what psychiatrists think about you!

Sorry you can only pick one.

Angel Food Cake

Brownies

Lemon Meringue Pie

Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing

Strawberry Short Cake

Chocolate Icing on Chocolate Cake

Ice Cream

Carrot Cake

NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down, so! Think

Carefully, what your choice will be! OK - Now that you've made your

choice, this is what psychiatric research says about you:

ANGEL FOOD CAKE... Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy

items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone

at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and

immature at times.

BROWNIES... You are adventurous, love new ideas, and a champion of

underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out

your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and

direction. You tend to be very loyal.

LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, and articulate with your hands, you are

an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try

to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but

you have many good friends.

VANILLA CAKE! WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun loving, sassy, humorous.

Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation.

Everyone enjoys being around you. You are a practical joker. Others

should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for

life.

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other

people and can be counted on in a pinch! You also tend to melt. You

can be overly emotional at times. And sometimes can be annoying.

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very

adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a

cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances.

Will not settle for anything average in life. Loves to laugh. You are a

friend for life.

ICE CREAM... You like sports, whether it be baseball, football,

basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate,

but you enjoy watching sports You don't like to give up the remote

control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

CARROT CAKE... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to

laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very

warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal

friends.

mine is chocolate on chocolate.

fits me just right !

all the clicking....

that was the stupidist thing EVER.

Oil Change Instructions

Oil Change Instructions For Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

Oil Change Instructions For Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; splash hot oil on you in process.

12. Cuss.

13. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.

14. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

15. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

16. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

17. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

18. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.

19. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.

20. Drink a beer.

21. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.

22. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

23. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."

24. Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

25. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

26. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

27. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

28. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

29. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

30. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

31. Remember drain plug from step 11.

32. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

33. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

34. Drink beer.

35. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.

36. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole.

37. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.

38. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas

39. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

40. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

41. Drink beer.

42. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.

43. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.

44. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

45. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

46. Begin cussing fit.

47. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

48. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

49. Beer.

50. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.

51. Beer.

52. Beer.

53. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

54. Beer.

55. Lower car from jack stands.

56. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

57. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

58. Beer.

59. Test drive car.

60. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

61. Car gets impounded.

62. Call loving wife, make bail.

63. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00

Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ! ! ! ! ! !

rick,

first you wrote that you told your FC (?) that you post here.. then you say that you were surprized to see that you were aloud to take the class since you log on here and post here. so do they know or not? AND .. of course the WAY is gonna look good to you right now ( at first ) and of course they are going to be nice and loving to you. if they said " please join our fellowship!, we are liars, thieves, we support rapists, and our organization is a very corrupt one. ect, ect .... .................. would you join? NO . so of course it is gonna look good.

good luck if you are happy, just keep your heart off your sleeve. and if you have family that is in, and you leave, be O.K. with having a very $*@!ty relationship with them. cuz trust me you will. and it hurts.

sami

ok... positive about the pfal class and the other one..... ................

i got to stay up late on school nights

there usually was good snacks

i hung out with the cute boys that were made to take it too.

is that enough positive cuz thats all i remeber that i liked . ............... ....

taking another class like that is sumthin i dotn think i would even joke about.... i hated taking the first two, i would never subject myself to another one. damn near slept thru the first ones..... had it not been so cold and my dad poking me to keep me awake.

i have my own jewelry business. lia sophia. and i make abour 30 an hour if you figure it out hourly. go check out my website if ya want. www.liasophia.com/sami

1ST TIME! IM GREAT

<_< <_< <_< :( :( :(

WE DIDNT GET IN THE TOP 10 !!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO NO NEED TO VOTE... BUT THANKS FOR EVERYONE WHO WOULDA HAVE IF SHE WASIN THE TOP 10! I

THINK SHE IS THE MOST BEATIFUL BABY AND THAT IS WHAT IS IMPORTANT. AND THERE WILL BE OTHER

BABY CONTESTS IM SURE. SHE IS PROBABLY GOING TO STATE IN MAY SO MAYBE THEN.

OH YAH, KAILIN IS 10 MONTHS OLD. SHE WILL BE A YEAR APRIL 7TH! AND SHE HAS 7 TEETH . :)

:) THANKS EVERYONE..

IT WAS A NICE BIRTHDAY.

:) !

BEAUTIFUL BABY CONTEST !!!

KAILIN WAS ENTERED INTO A BEAUTIFUL BABY CONTEST FOR REGIS AND

KELLY. THE TEN SEMIFINALIST WILL BE ON REGIS AND KELLY TOMOROW

MORN (9AM EASTERN TIME) SO IF ANY OF YOU ARE INTERESTED, PLEASE

WATCH AND SEE IF MISS KAILIN IS A FINALIST. IF SHE IS, AND YOU

WOULD LIKE TO VOTE FOR HER TO WIN , GO TO : livewithregisandkelly.com

TOMOROW AFTER YOU SEE THE SHOW. YOU VOTE FOR KAILIN WILLIS. IF

SHE WINS FIRST PLACE SHE WILL RECIEVE 3000.00 THE 4 RUNNERS UP

WILL RECIEVE 500.00 !! !!! !!! :) SO WE ALL KNOW HOW CUTE SHE IS ..

SHE HAS GOTTA AT LEAST BE IN THE TOP 10. AND SHE DID WIN A BEAUTY

PAGENT HER IN TOWN ( 1ST PLACE!! )

WISH HER LUCK AND IF WE WIN I WILL LET YA'LL KNOW!

(DONT FORGET TO VOTE! livewithregisandkelly.com TOMOROW BETWEEN 9 AM AND 12 MIDNIGHT.

SAMI

ron, did you check SNOPES.COM about this joke???!!!

how do we know that is a REAL joke?

dont want certain people to let you know it isnt a real "funny" when it is just supost to be a joke.

(I liked it ron! )

:)