I've been there too, even to the point of a couple suicide attempts. I was desperate, foolish. As one wonderful poster here said " suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". So true.
Keep showing up for life everyday, giving God a chance to come through (your answer may already be "in the mail"-- mine was).
You are so right to get help. The spirit is willing but this old man flesh is weak, and it does affect our minds. Keep getting help.
Keep showing up here. You need support, and this is a wonderful support group.
We are with you Seth.
Praying, Ron