Pirate1974

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes.

Still waiting for those bunnies to show up, Ginger. I guess they got lost on the way.

My parents came for the weekend to help celebrate my being over the hill. Way over.

Lots of love to both of you

Thanks for the birthday greetings, folks. Warms an old man's heart.

(((((excathie)))))

These aren't dumb jokes.

They're "shaggy dog stories." I tell these to the Cub Scouts all the time.

Here's a classic:

A Czechoslovakian hunter and his French partner were in the midst of a safari when they happened upon two hungry tigers, a fierce male and his mate. A furious battle ensued, in which the hunters were killed. After which, each tiger ate a hunter.

Far off atop a hill, a shepherd had witnessed the whole battle. He ran home, grabbed his high powered assault rifle, and returned to blow the tigers away. After descending the hill, he first cut open the female tiger, discovering the remains of the Frenchman inside.

"That settles it," said the shepherd,

"The Czech's in the male."

Did you hear that Lisa Marie Presley and Nicholas Cage supposedly contacted the "spirit" of Elvis to ask if he approved of their marriage?

I guess he said it was OK.

Kenny Chesney

Well, me and my lady had our first big fight

So I drove around 'till I saw the neon lights

Of a corner bar, It just seemed right, So I pulled up

Not a soul around but the old barkeep

Down at the end and looking half asleep

But he walked up and said what'll it be?

I said the good stuff

He didn't reach around for the whiskey

He didn't pour me a beer

His blue eyes kinda went misty

He said you can't find that here

'Cause it's the first long kiss on a second date

Momma's all worried when you get home late

And droppin' the ring in the spaghetti plate 'cause your hands are shakin' so much

And it's the way that she looks with the rice in her hair

Eatin' burnt supper the whole first year

And askin' for seconds to keep her from tearin' up

Yeah man, that's the good stuff

He grabbed a carton of milk and he poured a glass

And I smiled and said I'll have some of that

We sat there and talked as an hour passed like old

friends

Saw a black and white picture and he caught my stare

It was a pretty girl with bouffant hair

He said that's my Bonnie, taken about a year after we wed

He said I spent five years in the bottle when the

cancer took her from me

But I've been sober three years now

'Cause the one thing stronger than the whiskey

Was the sight of her holdin' my baby girl

The way she adored that string of pearls

I gave her the day that our youngest boy Earl married his high school love

It's a new t-shirt sayin' I'm a grandpa

Bein' right there as our time got small

And holdin' her hand when The Good Lord called her up

Yeah man, that's the good stuff

He said when you get home she'll start to cry

When she says I'm sorry, say so am I

And look into those eyes so deep in love

And drink it up

'Cause that's the good stuff

That's the good stuff

Hold the weenies and pass the Southern Comfort.

East Carolina University Pirates

Class of 1974

Pirate1974

GODLEY, Texas (Reuters) - An argument over who was going to heaven and who was going to hell ended with one Texas man shooting another to death with a shotgun, police said on Monday.

Johnny Joslin, 20 was allegedly shot by Clayton Frank Stoker, 21, on Sunday. The two had spent Saturday with two other men night bar hopping in Fort Worth, about 40 miles northeast of Godley.

Johnson County Sheriff Bob Alford said a witness who was the designated driver for the group told police the four men were sitting at a table outside a trailer park after their night on the town and entered into an argument about religion. The talk became heated when the subject turned to who would go to heaven and who would go to hell.

Stoker said he would settle the argument and went into a house and returned with a shotgun, which he loaded and placed in his mouth, Alford said the witness reported.

"The victim Joslin then took the gun out of Stokers mouth, saying, 'If you have to shoot somebody, shoot me,'" Alford said, citing the witness report.

The shotgun went off, hitting Joslin in the chest and killing him.

Stoker, a Johnson County corrections officer, has been arrested and charged with first-degree murder, Alford said.

This show's only "claim to fame" was introducing the Bay City Rollers to the U.S.

That alone should have been enough to get it cancelled.

BERLIN (Reuters) - Forget palm-reading. A blind German psychic claimed Tuesday he could read people's futures by feeling their naked buttocks.

Clairvoyant Ulf Buck, 39, claims that people's backsides have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about their character and destiny.

"The bottom is much more intense -- it has a much stronger power of expression than the hand in my experience," Buck told Reuters. "It goes on developing throughout your life."

By running his fingers along a number of lines on the surface of a client's posterior, he says he can tell them about their future monetary success, family life, health and happiness.

He says lines representing success, career and artistic ability extend inwards from the outer extremities of the buttocks, while a further five lines radiate outwards.

"I began on a circle of friends and the circle grew," Buck said. "I am not a new-age freak. I treat people with great care and conscientiousness."

Buck, who lives in the northern village of Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says all types come to him to have their bottoms read.

He sees his blindness as a great asset, not least because it means customers do not risk having their identities revealed.

"All sorts come, from cleaning ladies and secretaries to prominent members of the community. For them, my being blind is an advantage because I can do it without recognizing them again in the future." Buck has been blind since the age of three.

Although he claims to have spent many years training his fingers, with his index and middle fingers the most sensitive, Buck says even amateur buttock readers can make a broad-brush assessment of people's personalities.

"An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life," he said. "A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth."

************************************************

You gotta give old Ulf credit for being original, at least.

George Strait

I got sent home from school one day

With a shiner on my eye

Fighting was against the rules

And it didn't matter why

When dad got home I told the story

Just like I'd rehearsed

And then stood there on my trembling knees

And waited for the worst

He said, "Let me tell you a secret

About a father's love

A secret that my daddy said

Was just between us

He said, daddies don't just love their children

Every now and then

It's a love without end, amen

It's a love without end, amen."

When I became a father

In the spring of '81

There was no doubt that stubborn boy

Was just like my father's son

And when I thought my patience

Had been tested to the end

I took my daddy's secret

And I passed it on to him

I said, "Let me tell you a secret

About a father's love

A secret that my daddy said

Was just between us

I said, daddies don't just love their children

Every now and then

It's a love without end, amen

It's a love without end, amen."

Last night I dreamed I'd died

And stood outside those pearly gates

And suddenly, I realized

There must be some mistake

If they know half the things I've done

They'll never let me in

And a voice spoke from the other side

And I heard those words again

He said, "Let me tell you a secret

About a father's love

A secret that my daddy said

Was just between us

He said, daddies don't just love their children

Every now and then

It's a love without end, amen

It's a love without end, amen."

The picture does look faked and the people look like they were added later, but the sand sculpture is definitely real. This picture first showed up just a couple of months after 9/11.

It was on a beach in India and the guy who did it is supposedly a famous sand sculptor or whatever. He also made Osama's face out of sand. Pretty creepy.

I liked "Hogan's Heroes" too. I guess it's not politically correct these days.

Excathie,

"Woops" - The world is destroyed when kids accidently set off a nuclear missile causing the Russians to counterattack. Only six people are left in the US; Mark, the narrator, an ex-school teacher; Alice, a feminist; Curtis, a yuppie stock broker; Jack, a homeless person; Frederick, a black pathologist; and Suzzane, a sexy dummy.

Lasted 10 weeks on Fox in 1992. Sounds hilarious, doesn't it?

According to TV Guide, these are the 50 worst TV shows ever:

1. The Jerry Springer Show

2. My Mother the Car

3. XFL

4. The Brady Bunch Hour

5. Hogan's Heroes

6. Celebrity Boxing

7. AfterMASH

8. Cop Rock

9. You're in the Picture

10. Hee Haw Honeys

11. The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer

12. Hello, Larry

13. Twenty-One

14. Baby Bob

15. Manimal

16. The Chevy Chase Show

17. Casablanca

18. The Ugliest Girl in Town

19. The P.T.L. Club

20. The Pruitts of Southampton

21. Baywatch

22. The Powers of Matthew Star

23. Sammy and Company

24. One of the Boys

25. Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?

26. Life With Lucy

27. Turn-On

28. Supertrain

29. Howard Stern

30. Unhappily Ever After

31. Homeboys in Outer Space

32. Co-ed Fever

33. Holmes and Yoyo

34. Alexander the Great

35. Pink Lady... And Jeff

36. The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo

37. Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell

38. Hell Town

39. Still the Beaver

40. Makin' It

41. The Tom Green Show

42. The Flying Nun

43. Woops!

44. She's the Sheriff

45. A.K.A. Pablo

46. Me and the Chimp

47. Rango

48. Bless This House

49. The Ropers

50. Barney & Friends

Agree? Disagree? Half of these I don't even remember. Homeboys in Outer Space?

Have any to add? I don't see how they could have left off MTVs Undressed, which should be #1.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too s**t faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?

A: It would be tough to be a dick all day long.

Well, what do you expect in a state that issued drivers licenses to 16 people who claimed their legal name was "Jesus Christ?"

[This message was edited by Pirate1974 on July 10, 2002 at 6:47.]

Ted Williams, the son of a Salvation Army worker who became one of the greatest hitters in baseball history, died July 5th at the age of 83.

His baseball accomplishments made him a legend:

Hit .406 in 1941, the last time anybody broke the .400 barrier in the major leagues.

Won American League Triple Crown in 1942 and 1947.

American League MVP in 1946 and 1949.

Led American League in hitting six times, including 1957, when he hit .388 at the age of 39.

Hit a home run on the last swing of his career in 1960 at the age of 42.

Elected to the Hall of Fame in 1966.

However, his greatest accomplishment may have been that he gave up five years in the prime of his career in the service of his country. Williams volunteered for military service in World War II even though he had a legitimate deferrment and spent three years as a Navy flight instructor.

In 1952, Williams volunteered for duty in Korea and flew combat missions with John Glenn. If he had not missed that time in baseball, he might have hit more home runs that Babe Ruth. You have to admire the man.

Can you imagine Barry Bonds or Ken Griffey, Jr. doing something like that today?

And I thought it would be "Scooby Doo."

Aaron Tippin

Well if you ask me where I come from

Here's what I tell everyone

I was born by God's dear grace

In an extraordinary place

Where the stars and stripes and the eagle fly

It's a big 'ol land with countless dreams

Happiness ain't out of reach

Hard work pays off the way it should

Yeah, I've seen enough to know that we've got it good

Where the stars and stripes and the eagle fly

There's a lady that stands in a harbor

For what we believe

And there's a bell that still echoes

The price that it cost to be free

I pledge allegiance to this flag

And if that bothers you, well that's too bad

But if you got pride and you're proud you do

Hey, we could use some more like me and you

Where the stars and stripes and the eagle fly

Yes there's a lady that stands in a harbor

For what we believe

And there's a bell that still echoes

The price that it cost to be free

No, it ain't the only place on earth

But it's the only place that I prefer

To love my wife and raise my kids

Hey, the same way that my daddy did

Where the stars and stripes and the eagle fly

Where the stars and stripes and the eagle...fly

Where the stars and stripes and the eagle fly

I wish I had a good story about how I got my hands on Mary Ann's shorts.

Unfortunately, the truth is not quite that interesting:

http://www.dawn-wells.com/

OK, all you Mary Ann fans. You don't want to miss out on this.

A pair of "authentic" Mary Ann denim shorts, signed on the back pocket by Dawn Wells.

Only $39.95 (!)

It doesn't say if they were actually worn by Mary Ann or not. Better hurry. Supplies are limited.

Dawn Wells has made an entire career out of being Mary Ann.

Brad Paisley

Well I love her

But I love to fish

I spend all day out on this lake

And hell is all I catch

Today she met me at the door

Said I would have to choose

If I hit that fishin' hole today

She'd be packin' all her things

And she'd be gone by noon

Well I'm gonna miss her

When I get home

But right now I'm on this lakeshore

And I'm sittin' in the sun

I'm sure it'll hit me

When I walk through that door tonight

That I'm gonna miss her

Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite

Now there's a chance that if I hurry

I could beg her to stay

But that water's right

And the weather's perfect

No tellin' what I might catch today

Well I'm gonna miss her

When I get home

But right now I'm on this lakeshore

And I'm sittin' in the sun

I'm sure it'll hit me

When I walk through that door tonight

That I'm gonna miss her

Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite

Yeah, I'm gonna miss her

Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite

This is an actual sign from the Netherlands that's supposed to show where camping is permitted.

That's supposed to be a walking stick, of course. What did you think it was?