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Zixar

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Posts posted by Zixar

  1. Nah, it was actually pretty easy, given the source material. Here's the one that got the most positive response, a take off on "The Andorian Incident".

    quote:
    The Andorian Incident, Redux

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "The Continuity Patch" parody copyright 2001 by R.T.Watkins, standard disclaimer applies.

    FADE IN

    INT. MONASTERY - DAY

    Hooded aliens pray, while blue-skinned, antennaed aliens come in and sneer menacingly.

    INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

    TUCKER

    Say, these Vulcan star charts don't have that star we ran across last week. Guess they're just dumber than a bag of tribbles.

    ARCHER

    That'd be my guess. Vulcans wouldn't lie to incredibly-cool space-guys like us.

    REED

    That's right! Humans RULE! What's a tribble, anyway?

    ARCHER

    [quickly changing the subject]

    Uh, Mr. Reed, if you play extra nice, I'll let you command the ship for 18 minutes, IF we happen to get taken hostage, that is.

    TUCKER

    [laughs]

    What are the odds of that happening? Humans ROCK!

    T'POL

    Should I even bother sighing?

    ARCHER

    Hey, look! There's a Vulcan church on that planet. Let's go convert them to our cool human-religion!

    T'POL

    Someone please phase-pistol me...

    ROLL TITLES

    INT. ENTERPRISE MESS ROOM

    PHLOX

    Sucks to be us, doesn't it?

    T'POL

    Yes.

    PHLOX

    I mean, all I get to do is eat and fix the results of the humans' stupidity every week. Gimme that celery.

    T'POL

    Well, it's the only meal I'm allotted this week...

    PHLOX

    Thanks. [crunch] This is pretty good with brain-paste on it.

    T'POL

    I'm a vegetarian.

    PHLOX

    Geez, you just go out of your way to .... off the crew, don't you? [pause] Can I have your liver, then?

    T'POL

    I told you, I'm a vege...oh. Don't you think the cannibalism jokes are getting a bit old?

    PHLOX

    They're better than the alternative.

    T'POL

    Which is?

    PHLOX

    Terminal acne jokes.

    T'POL

    Sigh. [long pause] I'll let you know about the liver.

    PHLOX

    [rubs hands in glee]

    Excellent! Pate-t'pol-gras!

    INT. ENGINE ROOM

    T'POL

    Here's the long-winded set of rules, which basically boils down to 1) Don't touch anything, 2) Don't say anything, 3) Take the stupid rock and be quiet for 5 seconds.

    TUCKER

    That's a bit complicated for me...

    T'POL punches TUCKER in the back of the head.

    TUCKER

    Hey! Why'd you punch me in the head?

    T'POL

    I didn't. Vulcans are non-violent.

    TUCKER

    Oh, right! I forgot.

    T'POL

    [sotto voce]

    Note to self: Amend Will to leave liver to Dr. Phlox, and check on suicide clause in insurance policy.

    EXT. VULCAN TEMPLE - DAY

    ARCHER

    Looks like someone tried to break in.

    T'POL

    No, it's just old.

    ARCHER

    No, it's just ol....WAIT A SEC! I saw you waving your hand! How many times have I told you not to use the Jedi Mind Trick on me?

    T'POL

    [waves hand]

    I'm not using the Jedi Mind Trick.

    ARCHER

    [eyes glaze over]

    You're not using the Jedi Mind Trick. My mistake.

    TUCKER punches T'POL in the back of the head.

    TUCKER

    There was a bee on you.

    T'POL

    Really?

    TUCKER

    No.

    INT. VULCAN TEMPLE

    OLD VULCAN

    [gestures frantically towards the Andorian behind the screen]

    Uh, everybody's uh, ASLEEP...for a month. Go away. [winks desperately, nods head towards screen]

    ARCHER

    Ah, charades! Let's see...six words, rhymes with "There's a Pandorian behind the screen..."

    T'POL

    Your charade is awful, Old Vulcan. You forgot that Vulcans are telepathic?

    OLD VULCAN

    Apparently the writers did...

    T'POL

    Just give him the rock so we can leave. I've got a date with an exhaust pipe.

    OLD VULCAN

    Here's a rock, Captain.

    ARCHER

    [takes rock]

    One Mississippi...Two Mississippi..., Aw the heck with it. SAY! WHAT'S BEHIND THIS VASE?

    ANDORIAN #1 falls over.

    TUCKER

    Holy ....! An ALIEN! I always wanted a pet that had some sort of antennas! Dibs!

    Three more Andorians burst into the room, weapons drawn.

    ANDORIAN LEADER

    Aar! Avast ye mateys! Lead me to the Vulcan booty!

    TUCKER

    She's over there, dumbass.

    ANDORIAN LEADER

    Andorian #1! Punch that lubber in the back of 'is 'ead!

    ARCHER

    Can't we all just get along?

    ANDORIAN LEADER

    No. I'll not be splittin' me treasure with the likes of you aliens!

    TUCKER

    Who're you callin' "alien"? Them's FIGHTIN' WORDS!

    ANDORIAN LEADER

    Punch Archer in the kidneys, Andorian #1!

    ANDORIAN #1

    But Cap'n, it was Tucker who said that...Oh, sorry! Aar! Shiver me timbers! [punches Archer in the kidneys]

    ARCHER folds like a card table.

    TUCKER

    Dang, I've heard of glass jaws before, but a glass kidney? Get up, you wuss!

    ANDORIAN LEADER

    Throw them in the space-brig! I'll have that booty before eight bells!

    ANDORIAN #2

    [to Andorian #1]

    Booty? I think the Captain's been in space too long.

    ANDORIAN #1

    Once a sailor, always a sailor...

    INT. MEDITATION ROOM

    OLD VULCAN

    What a dilemma. We can either be rogered to death by the blue aliens, or stunk to death by the pink aliens.

    TUCKER

    Again with the "alien" cracks? Here, Pops. Pull my finger...

    ARCHER

    You don't have a secret spy post here, by any chance?

    SNEAKY VULCAN

    Absolutely not! Nope, unh-huh, nossirree, Bob. No secret underground RX-78 Scan-o-tron Andorian-irritators here! Not a one! Honest! [waves hand too late]

    ARCHER

    Oh, that's okay then.

    ANDORIAN LEADER

    Ah-aar! I wants that Vulcan booty NOW! Grab the human!

    ANDORIAN #1

    Aar, I thought ye were wanting VULCAN booty, Cap'n...

    ANDORIAN LEADER

    Question me again, and ye'll walk the space-plank, ye scurvy dog!

    TUCKER

    Saaay...anybody else just notice that all these secluded Vulcans and all these wacky Andorians speak perfect English? Woo-hoo! Humans RULE! We can shove that whiny Hoshi into the airlock now!

    INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

    ARCHER

    I don't know where the secret spy room is, I'm just a tourist.

    ANDORIAN LEADER

    So ye won't talk, eh? Keelhaul him!

    ANDORIAN #1

    What?

    ANDORIAN LEADER

    Oh, just punch him in the kidneys again...

    INT. MEDITATION ROOM

    OLD VULCAN

    Class, this is the way of wisdom: Do not pull Mr. Tucker's finger. Ever.

    TUCKER

    You know, we outnumber them 2 to 1. I say we grab 'em and tie their antennae into knots.

    SNEAKY VULCAN

    Whatever, just don't throw them into the Secret Spy Room, I mean, the reliquary. That would be super-bombad mojo for our religion, meesa say.

    OLD VULCAN

    Silence, J'Jar! You know we do not answer violence with violence.

    TUCKER

    Let me guess...y'all got beat up a lot at recess, didn't you? I bet you all wear thong underwear as a preemptive wedgie.

    OLD VULCAN

    Never thought of that. Make a note, Vulcan #3...

    TUCKER

    Another thing. If you folks revere logic so much, why do all your icons look like you got them at a Buddhist rummage sale?

    Enter ARCHER, abruptly.

    T'POL

    You've looked better.

    ARCHER

    I feel awful.

    TUCKER

    I'm sure Dr. Phlox will give you some Preparation H when we get back on board.

    ARCHER

    We outnumber them 2 to 1. If we only had some sort of nerve pinch to the neck to incapacitate them...

    TUCKER

    Or telepathic powers to lure the guards into the room...

    T'POL

    [sotto voce]

    Note to self: destroy all copies of "Vulcans for Dummies" in the Enterprise library.

    TUCKER

    Well, Captain, why don't you go distract the Andorians by ramming your kidneys into their gun butts while I go fix the walkie-talkie in the basement?

    ARCHER

    Oh, let's not...my urine is such a lovely shade of orange as it is...

    TUCKER

    Wussy.

    T'POL

    Can we get out of here soon? I have to make sure all of the ship's stores of baked beans, hard boiled eggs and beer are destroyed.

    TUCKER

    T'Pol?

    T'POL

    What?

    TUCKER

    [extends hand]

    Pull my finger...

    T'POL

    I wonder if Dr. Phlox wants my kidneys, too...

    TUCKER

    Ok, I have the cell phone fixed.

    ARCHER

    Archer to Enterprise...

    REED

    [off camera]

    There were two portions of strawberries last night, Mr. Christian! I will have no more talk of mutiny! I'M THE CAPTAIN, DO YOU HEAR? ME, ME, ME!!! Oh, hi Captain Archer...how are you?

    ARCHER

    Geez, I leave you in command for 18 minutes and you're doing "Ensign Pulver Meets The Caine Mutiny On The Bounty?" Never mind, get in the Incredibly-Dangerous-Sparkly-Thingy and beam down.

    REED

    Can I finally bring the phase-rifles?

    ARCHER

    No, that would be far too useful.

    REED

    How silly of me.

    ARCHER

    But if you do a good job, you can have work outside next week.

    REED

    Can I have a space suit this time, Captain?

    ARCHER

    Oh, we'll see...

    REED and some REDSHIRTS beam down and start a firefight.

    OLD VULCAN

    The Andorians are in the catacombs, and we didn't have time to dust before they arrived...we shall die from shame.

    ARCHER

    Come on, men!

    TUCKER

    Watch your kidneys, sir!

    SNEAKY VULCAN

    I'm coming with you!

    ARCHER

    Do you have any experience?

    SNEAKY VULCAN

    I have a zap gun.

    ARCHER

    Okay, we can always use some more mobile cover. Stay in front of me!

    INT. RELIQUARY

    More gunfighting destroys a tapestry.

    ARCHER

    Wow! A modern door! But it was completely behind a thin tapestry!

    REED

    Guess the Vulcans studied the Bill Clinton Tactics Manual...

    Archer opens the door, revealing the secret spy room.

    ANDORIAN #1

    I shot you first! Fall down!

    TUCKER

    No way! I shot YOU first!

    TUCKER

    I'm telling Mom!

    ANDORIAN #1

    Pink-skin!

    TUCKER

    Worm-head!

    ANDORIAN #1,TUCKER

    [in unison]

    ALIEN!

    ARCHER

    Hey, guys? Time-out, okay? We found the secret spy room.

    ANDORIAN LEADER

    Aar! I told ye so!

    ARCHER

    Who'd have thought that the Vulcans were conniving, underhanded, lying bastards?

    Everyone raises a hand, even T'POL, who hastily puts hers back down.

    ARCHER

    T'Pol, take a picture of me and the Andorian in front of the secret spy room! Say cheese!

    SNEAKY VULCAN

    I've got a gun to the back of your head!

    TUCKER raises an armpit next to SNEAKY VULCAN, who collapses.

    TUCKER

    Wuss.

    ANDORIAN LEADER

    Aar, matey! Thanks for yer help. Sorry about the buggery and the kidney punches. Call us when ye wish to plunder more Vulcan booty!

    ARCHER

    Oh, sure. Any time.

    T'POL

    [sotto voce]

    Note to self: inform Vulcan Death Squad of Capt. Archer's forwarding address.

    FADE TO BLACK

    ROLL CREDITS


  2. Yep, Rudolf Karp and Bart Nagy were two scientists who believed fossilized microbes might be found in meteorites.

    From the obituary at Univ. of Arizona:

    quote:

    Bart's landmark volume Carbonaceous Meteorites appeared in 1975. (Note: this was 4 years after TAS the movie)The excitement of those times is currently being relived as new information about meteorites, particularly those from Mars, is being discussed. The focus then, as now, was on carbonaceous matter. The Martian carbonaceous matter may hold the key to prebiological chemical evolution or evidence of extraterrestrial life. Bart and his colleagues pioneered efforts to resolve these issues. Carbonaceous Meteorites deserves the careful scrutiny of all researchers balanced on the precarious cutting edge of research for evidence of extraterrestrial life. This is especially so in light of the current "identification" of fossil microbial life forms in meteorites believed to be fragments blasted off the surface of our red sister planet. At times, the boundary between science fiction and reality seems disarmingly flimsy. The reader will discover this upon reading (or rereading) Michael Crichton's The Andromeda Strain where the author refers to "Nagy".


  3. TSRTS: Okay, I think I know what you're talking about now. If memory serves, in the book MC goes into the idea that visitors from other worlds would be microscopic in size, due to the efficiency of transporting such a tiny thing. In the movie, Dutton is shown in a flashback drawing a picture of a scientist looking through a microscope with a word balloon from the slide saying "Take us to your leader!"

    This was taken from a real scientist's theories, and the only two I remember being mentioned in the book were Karp and Nagy. That's where I'd start looking.

    God bless,

    Zix

    "Scoop was built for germ warfare, and you knew it, Stone!"

  4. On a side note, if you like humorous fantasty fiction, do yourself a favor and pick up some of Terry Pratchett's Discworld books. Think "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" with "wizzards", trolls, and Cohen the Barbarian.

    quote:
    When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man I put away childish things because, wow, then I could afford much *better* childish things!

    -- Terry Pratchett, on alt.fan.pratchett 20.01.2001


  5. quote:
    Originally posted by ChattyKathy:

    How about Elton John, The Stones, The Beatles, Bruce Springsteen, Ray Charles, Eric Clapton, Socks, My Dad.


    Never having heard Socks or your Dad, I can't say on them.

    Elton John, Rolling Stones, The Beatles, yeah, I think they've made music that will still be recognized in a hundred years.

    Springsteen, Clapton, and Ray Charles, I don't think so. They might be relegated to historical one-hit-wonders, perhaps, modern Vivaldis, Pachelbels, Telemanns, but not Mozarts. Not to take anything away from them, I just don't think they have a large enough body of instantly-recognizable songs to keep them out of a footnote in the far future. Of course, music students will fancy them for their work, but I just don't see much more, in my opinion.

  6. P-Mosh: Here's a sample, the one I did for the "Terra Nova" episode.

    You have been warned.

    quote:
    "Terra Nova"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Standard disclaimer applies.

    FADE IN

    INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

    MAYWEATHER

    Look, sir! My new set of Time-Life Space Mysteries cards came in the mail today!

    ARCHER

    How'd the mail get here if we're the fastest ship in the Fleet?

    MAYWEATHER

    Who cares? Wow, I sure am glad we're headed towards a planet where everyone has mysteriously vanished. Maybe I can get a cool skull or something to hang from the rear-view mirror...

    T'POL

    [rolling her eyes]

    And if everyone has VANISHED, Ensign, exactly from where are you going to get this "cool" skull?

    ARCHER

    Shut up, T'Pol. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

    T'POL

    Sigh.

    ROLL TITLES

    INT. BRIDGE

    ARCHER

    Who wants to exposit the plot this week? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

    MAYWEATHER

    [raises hand frantically]

    Ooh! Me! MEE!

    ARCHER

    [ignores him]

    Anyone at all? Ok, I'll do it then. A long time ago, some colonists came here, settled down, then rudely put out a Do Not Disturb sign when Earth tried to ship more of its street-people out here. The nerve! The only other habitable piece of real estate we found in 20 light years (overlooking Vulcan, Alpha Centauri, Tellar, Andor, and all the other planets mentioned in that Kirk show, established to be within 20 light years of Earth) and the first set of colonists go all snobby on us. So, of course we sent a classified mission to drop an asteroid on them...oops! Forget that last bit everybody...

    T'POL raises an eyebrow, or an earlobe.

    MAYWEATHER

    Screw the exposition! Let's go see some dead guys!

    REED

    Whee! Oh, yes, LET'S!!!

    EXT. PLANET SURFACE, A MEADOW - DAY

    ARCHER

    Huh. Nobody home.

    REED

    Being the Tactical Officer, I suggest we split up and search the place so no two people are together at any time.

    ARCHER

    Agreed. Everybody run in random directions until something happens.

    EXT. A FOREST - DAY

    REED

    T'Pol said there were no life forms on this planet...Aaah! GHOST TREES! No, wait, get a hold of yourself. What are the odds of TWO planets filled with space-crack flowers? I know! I'll ask that scruffy-looking guy over there... HEY! You're not a life-form by any chance, are you?

    THUNDERDOME REJECT

    Who, me? Life-form, shmife-form, I'm just the guy with the gun!...BLAM, BLAM, BLAM!

    EXT. SHANTY TOWN - DAY

    ARCHER

    Gunshots! Quick! Everybody save yourself, this is no time for teamwork!

    Enter MAYWEATHER, running.

    MAYWEATHER

    The bad guys got Mr. Reed! Last one in the shuttle pod's next week's plot device!

    ARCHER and T'POL stumble over each other trying to beat each other into the door. ARCHER wins.

    T'POL

    .....

    INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

    TUCKER

    So you heard shots...was this before or after y'all ran like a bunch of yellow-bellied varmints?

    ARCHER

    Before.

    TUCKER

    Ok, I'm with you so far. Oh, look, there's Mr. Reed, in our curiously-now-more-efficient Life-scanner-thingy.

    ARCHER

    And you know it's him because...?

    TUCKER

    Aliens give off different, uh, whatever-this-thing-detects through solid rock.

    ARCHER

    And when we find out that these aliens are actually descendants of the human crew, just with mud splattered on their faces, we'll just all conveniently forget this continuity glitch?

    TUCKER

    [shrugs]

    It seems to have worked for us so far, Cap'n...

    ARCHER

    Works for me. Ok, why don't I leave my gun here, but load Dr. Phlox up with his Junior Iron Chef kit and go down and try to charisma Mr. Reed away from the aliens, er, humans, er, mudboys?

    T'POL

    That's a stupid plan. Therefore, logically, it will succeed, given our track record on this show. Please, someone shoot me.

    ARCHER

    No way, you're signed to a fat contract. Phlox! Grab your picnic basket!

    T'POL

    Sigh.

    EXT. PLANET'S SURFACE - DAY

    PHLOX

    ...And that's why the French are too stringy to make a good roast, Captain.

    ARCHER

    Fascinating. Ok, time to go to work. [shouts] HELLO? HEY, YOU GUYS FROM THE ROAD CAST OF MAD MAX? WE'RE UNARMED AND BEGGING TO BE CAPTURED OVER HERE!!!!

    BALD THUG

    Tag, you're it!

    INT. CAVERN

    REED

    Thank God you've returned! I've got this awful rug burn...

    ARCHER

    Oh, do shut up, Reed. One more word and I will leave you down here to eat bad cave-sushi with these aliens.

    REED

    But...

    ARCHER

    Right, I did warn you, didn't I? You're staying here.

    MUDWOMAN

    Cough, cough.

    PHLOX

    Two coughs, eh? That's lung cancer, I bet. Have you ever considered donating your liver to science? How about your onions?

    ARCHER

    [turns to MUDWOMAN]

    You, on the other hand, are coming with us.

    BALD THUG

    Sez who?

    ARCHER

    Me. You're coming too! Plenty of room!

    BALD THUG

    Now see here, my good man! If you estimate for one minuscule moment that I'm going to allow you to abandon your useless subalterns here in my subterranean troglodytic abode, you have quite another rumination coming, I assure you!

    MUDWOMAN

    Cough, cough...mind your language!

    BALD THUG

    A thousand apologies, Mater... Ahem. [to Archer] Tarzan ride sky-bird with mud-mother to trade for more cigarettes and firewater.

    MUDWOMAN

    Cough, cough. That's better.

    INT. SICKBAY

    BALD THUG

    Open that door and let my mother out!

    PHLOX

    Don't be stupid. If we take her out now, she'll still be raw in the middle!

    ARCHER

    You know, you guys aren't aliens at all. You're actually humans, and I've got the pictures of you to prove it.

    BALD THUG

    Sez you. We're leaving. Open a window and let us jump out. I've got some mold to scrape for dinner. Coming, Mater?

    MUDWOMAN

    Mmmphglmph! [apple pops out of her mouth] That's better. Bald Thug, I've got something to tell you...your grandparents weren't the Slithering Mole People after all, I just told you that so you wouldn't freak out when you found out you're...from Belgium.

    BALD THUG

    Excuse me while I come up with some bizarre word for "lie".

    MUDWOMAN

    Stop trying to deny it, son. You and I are as Belgian as waffles. Face it like a mud-man.

    PHLOX

    Oh, by the way, you are all dying anyway, so can I have your liver? You won't have any more use for it in about a month.

    BALD THUG

    More prevarications!

    MUDWOMAN

    Oh, just say "lies", for mud's sake...

    T'POL

    We could stun them and take them back to Earth...handcuff the ones who freak out.

    ARCHER

    What? And admit I can't talk my way out of a situation? With a bunch of freakin' MUD PEOPLE?

    BALD THUG

    Hey! We're still in the ROOM, you know...

    ARCHER

    What would Capt. Kirk think of me in the future?!?

    T'POL

    What's your brilliant idea, then?

    ARCHER

    That does it, we're going to stun your asses and take you back to Earth and make you live in condos, because WE Know What's Best For You Pathetic Mudpeople.

    T'POL

    That's exactly what I said!

    ARCHER

    Yes, but I made the FedEx Vertical Hand Gesture when I said it.

    T'POL

    Sigh. Why don't you just let them die? It's what I'd do.

    ARCHER

    Condos aren't so bad...although they won't let them in the swimming pool with all that mud on them...

    T'POL

    Move them to another part of the planet, imbecile.

    ARCHER

    [makes Vertical Hand Gesture]

    I know, we'll move them to another part of the planet!

    T'POL bangs her head against the wall, slowly...

    BALD THUG

    No way. You just want our tunnels and slime-covered rocks for yourselves.

    MAYWEATHER

    You know, I still haven't gotten that skull I wanted, Captain...

    ARCHER

    No, no, this is still prime-time. No merciful beheadings. Say, why are you here at all, Ensign?

    MAYWEATHER

    So I can make a living on the convention circuit when this show gets canned, sir.

    INT. CAVERN

    REED

    Uh, hello?!?!? Remember I'm still stuck down here?!?!?

    INT. ANOTHER CAVERN

    Shuttlepod lands in precisely the wrong spot.

    ARCHER

    What are the odds of that happening?

    MAYWEATHER

    Dunno, sir. Wanna go show us how the monster works this week?

    BALD THUG

    [beats on the door]

    For a troglodyte, I'm beginning to be bizarrely claustrophobic now!!!

    MUDWOMAN

    Uh, oh, he's talking all flowery again! Do something, Captain!

    ARCHER

    Ok, door's open.

    BALD THUG

    The only thing that will cure my shakes is to hold your pistol, Captain.

    ARCHER

    I'm not that kind of...oh, you mean this gun here. Sure, what can you possibly do with it, anyways?

    BALD THUG

    Absolutely nothing, but I'll give it back to you instead of using it on that fake tree that's about to fall on a useless extra.

    USELESS EXTRA

    Help, help! A fake tree has sort of pinned me to a puddle!

    ARCHER

    Gimme that gun, mud boy! ZAP!

    USELESS EXTRA

    I'm saved! I even managed to walk three steps on a broken leg! Aren't I a great actor?

    ARCHER

    For this show? You're over-qualified!

    BALD THUG

    [soliloquizes]

    Now I see the error of my ways. Let's move to somewhere else for reasons I don't really understand, but since they have zap guns that could braise our spleens, I believe them.

    MUDWOMAN

    About damn time.

    INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

    MAYWEATHER

    Just think, now my Time-Life cards are a collector's item now that it contains the useless "Terra Nova" card!

    PHLOX

    Sorry to disappoint you, Ensign, but it's illegal to artificially inflate the price of a collectible item for personal gain. But I brought you a sandwich to cheer you up.

    MAYWEATHER

    Mmmm...liverwurst! But this brown mustard tastes a bit, um...

    ARCHER

    Muddy, Ensign?

    MAYWEATHER

    Yeah! That's it! Muddy! [turns pale] Oh, no... [vomits noisily off-camera]

    Crew laughs. ARCHER takes a bite out of his own sandwich.

    ARCHER

    [mouth full of mud-liverwurst]

    Ahead Warp Factor four, Ensign!

    MAYWEATHER vomits noisily again.

    FADE TO BLACK

    ROLL CREDITS.


  7. P-Mosh: I was the same way about B5 at first. Catching it here and there, I just didn't see what the fuss was about. My friend Chris nearly had to put a gun to my head to make me watch the whole thing, because it's hard to realize all the little bits of backstory being fed to you piece by piece during the first season especially. It really starts to pick up in season 2, and Seasons 3 and 4 are, in my opinion, the best television sci-fi yet filmed. Season 5 sucked, because they were forced to wrap up the 5-year storyline in season 4 due to impending cancellation. Warner Brothers is releasing the whole series on DVD now, with Season 1 on the shelves. If you can find the time, push your way through the whole thing. You'll be hooked soon enough. Humans and Minbari, Narn and Centauri, Vorlons and Shadows...so much going on, and yet it all fits.

  8. Kay: To each, his own. I just never got into Voyager or DS9, and I gave up on Enterprise 3/4 of the way through Season 1. (Wish those parodies I wrote of the first few episodes were still up here...oh well.)

    Hey, I really like Patrick Stewart. He's a fine actor that I've always enjoyed. The sappy scripts he was given just killed Picard for me, though.

    Say what you like about Bill Shatner, but you have to admit that no one chews scenery like he does. Fictional heroes need to be larger than life to give the audience an ideal to aspire to. Picard as a Captain was just too bland, too stilted. I think Stewart played Picard more like an Admiral who would have been quite at home in all the political machinations of the upper echelons. Courtly Shakespearean themes of the 23rd Century, that sort of thing. Kirk was more of a heroic captain who never hesitated to get his hands dirty. I'm surprised they didn't show Picard getting a manicure!

    If you want a good insight into the line between commanders and just officers, check out the Bill Paxton/Matthew McConaughey characters in U-571. Gold braid does not a leader make--remember Commodore Stocker in TOS' "The Deadly Years"?

    Or, if you want to see the right way to make characters interesting and interwoven with the right amount of conflict and camaraderie, watch the first four seasons of Babylon 5. (Well, to be fair, Sinclair did have a major stick up his arse the first season, but viewed as a whole, the series is still a masterpiece.) It's a shame it took so long to get going, but in hindsight, all the clues were there, built up piece by piece. I didn't watch B5 when it was originally on, I only caught the reruns on TNT. Turned out to be better that way, seeing the incredible 3rd and 4th seasons one day at a time instead of a week was fantastic.

    The only other halfway-decent sci-fi series of the past few years (barring X-Files) is the surprising Stargate SG-1. They took a forgettable B-movie, added some great non-stereotypical characters, and revived the alien-of-the-week genre. For some strange reason, it does not suck. (Unlike all the other Showtime original SF series...)

    But, like I said, to each, his own.

    God bless!

    Zix

  9. Yes, he is that bad. Think about it, is anyone in any of the spinoffs competent to hold their positions in Starfleet? How many plots were resolved by:

    a) Technobabble "reconfiguring" of some piece of ship's technology that wasn't built well enough to take care of it in the first place, but the crew can redo the whole thing in ten minutes?

    B) Politically correct or maudlin feel-good happy thoughts, despite howlingly bad tactical judgment?

    c) Data grows a new power and is annoying about using it?

    d) insert your favorite peeve here...

    All plot is driven by conflict. Since all the crew have a big group hug and sing Kum Ba Yah when they get off duty, there is nothing left to drive plot among the crew. Remember Spock vs. McCoy? That's how you keep the characters interesting. Next Generation's Enterprise is The Good Ship Wonderbread.

    Sound familiar?:

    Picard: Prepare a full spread of mayonnaise torpedoes, Mr. Worf.

    Worf: Why? They never do any damage any more.

    Picard: Prepare to fire on my mark.

    Worf: All I have to do is punch this button, why don't you save the dramatic pauses for sometime when hesitating won't get us killed?

    Picard: Wait for it.....Fire!

    Worf: You were supposed to say "mark!"

    Picard: Wesley, get out of that airlock!

    Wesley: Hey, this isn't a holodeck...(whoosh)

    Worf: Full spread of mayo torpedoes hit! But were totally ineffective against their (insert buzzword here) defense.

    Picard: Perhaps they just need a hug. Counsellor Troi, shake your boobs at them.

    Riker: Ooh, ENGAGE!

  10. Yeah, he went from Benign to Before, since he's a pre-Lore/Data prototype.

    ...

    Sorry, I had to repress the heaves there...

    We'll never see Avery Brooks(Sisko) or Robert Beltran (Chakotay) in a movie as long as that moron Rick Berman is the tumor in charge of the Trek franchises. They can't stand Berman and what he's done to Trek.

    With Riker, Troi, Crusher, and Data gone, all you have left is Picard, Worf and Geordi still on the Enterprise. That may actually be progress, but you can bet that Berman will fill the spots with even lamer characters. He can't help it, it's just the medication.

  11. SocketCreep: True. Andromeda Strain was a fantastic book, especially for, what, 1969? I must have read it twelve times. Jurassic Park and its sequel are the only ones that are in the same league as TAS.

    The Lost World was a bad movie, but a fantastic book. The second half of the book was totally different (and infinitely better) than the stupid ending that Spielberg bolted onto the movie.

    TSRTS: No, I don't know the exact reason he wrote TAS, but he did write it right out of medical school, and Robert Wise optioned it for the movie immediately.

  12. Hmmmm....I feel a Director's Cut coming on!

    quote:
    Originally posted by Rafael 1969:

    How about a movie called,

    Star Trek: Enough Already

    The alpha quadrant is threatened by a seemingly indestructible and undefeatable threat. The Enterprise-E, the only ship in the quadrant, is sent to deal with the threat by talking to it for two hours. The threat, sensing danger, immediately destroys the Enterprise-E, killing everything on board except Data's head, which drifts uncontrollably toward the nearest star.


    Deleted Scene: It continues to mouth lame showtunes, mostly from Gilbert and Sullivan and Irving Berlin, fulfilling the contractually-mandated stroking of Brent Spiner's galactic-sized ego to get him to do this picture.

    quote:
    Just when it seems all hope is lost and Data's head is going to melt - it does.

    Starfleet, which observes the calamity using one of its ubiquitous cameras, sends 371 other ships to deal with the threat. Unfortunately, the 371 ships won't be ready until Tuesday.


    Deleted scene: Desperately, Starfleet unleashes its entire Counselor Corps to hold off the enemy by thinking happy thoughts at it. Unfortunately, they all wear those ridiculous lavender pantsuits Troi wore in the second season, giving them tremendous self-esteem problems because it makes their butts look fat. The Counselor Corps gives up and programs the replicators for ice cream and sweat pants.

    quote:
    Faced with all but certain destruction, Starfleet surrenders, and the undefeatable threat destroys Starfleet, along with the final remnants of ILM studios on earth, ensuring that the 745th Star Wars movie will not be made.

    The movie ends with a close up of the undefeatable threat.

    A single gold band.

    One ring to rule them all.


    Sorry, Raf. Couldn't resist. Well, could have, just didn't.

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