A mess called my life

[grand-daughter]

How can one truly lay out their life in a short summary and express the emotions that accompany each step? I will attempt it hoping that all who read can read the feelings in the words. Of course this will not nor could it ever cover all that has happened over the years. Please bear with me. I am going to start off from the beginning in hopes of it showing a way to a glorious end.

I was born into a very confused family. I don’t have many memories of my real father but I do have knowledge of what I was told. My parents were both alcoholics and divorced while I was still a baby. My grandmother told me a few things of my father. Not that he was a great man but they weren’t all that bad. On the other hand my mother when I could get her to share anything only had a negative take on him. So as you can see there was confusion from the beginning. I do know that it irked my mom to no end when I was curious about him. I really don’t even know why I was, it’s not like he was around for me or my brother and sister. I did hear a few times from my mother, you’re just like your father. So I guess it was a piece of the puzzle that was missing for me.

Later on my mother married again and once again it was to an alcoholic. With this marriage came three more sisters. Our lives were riddled with poverty, pain and much hurt, though my mother in her delusion referred to us as the Brady bunch. I was not a happy child there never seemed to be enough of anything to go around. I guess my first mistake was to be outspoken enough to speak out about it. At times m parents would try to do the family thing and have discussions where we were to feel free to speak. Ha! I like her she’s got moxy they would say but it sure didn’t seem like they liked what I said.

I find it hard to express the torment my heart through as a child. How does a mother turn away from her own flesh? Is it possible that a child can do something so wrong that the concept of a hug is terrible? Is it also possible that all that went wrong was their fault? I struggled with that for many years. Sooner or later the pain started to overwhelm me. Enough to run to God knows where. The streets were better than that place. At least then I knew why I wasn’t eating. Then it was my fault to be walking in the rain and sleeping on benches. It would have been fine with me if it ended there.

[excathedra]

Is it possible that a child can do something so wrong that the concept of a hug is terrible?

no it's not possible

i'm going to read your other threads now

but in the meantime ((((((((((((((((((((((( grand-daugher )))))))))))))))))))))) humongous hugs. you are grand, indeed

love, ex