More Jokes

[bowtwi]

Happily Married

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after

the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and

I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want

with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that

there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night -- whether you're

here or not."

______________________________________________

Till death do us part ...

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th

wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting

you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that

reads, "Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last.'"

______________________________________________

Joined at the tooth ...

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the

dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers

because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the

tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous

woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth,

dear."

______________________________________________

Revenge with numbers ...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is

so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in

spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man

decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is

ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home my little

mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion

shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, father of four!"

______________________________________________

Second opinion ...

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at breakfast table. He

getsup in a rage and says, "And you are not good in bed either" and

storms out of the house. A couple of hours later he decides to make

amends

and in between patient appointments he calls her.

After many rings, she answers the phone. Irritated for having to

wait, the husband says, "So why'd it take you so long to answer the

phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"What are you doing in bed this late in the day?" he demands.

She responds sweetly, "Getting a second opinion."

[Kit Sober]

In the honeymoon suite,

The groom takes off his pants and gives them to his new wife and says, "Try on these pants."

The new wife trys them on and says, "they're too big for me."

New husband says, "I wear the pants in this family, and don't you forget it."

New wife takes off her panties and gives them to her husband, "Try on these panties."

Husband tries to put on his wife's panties, but they are much too small. "I can't get into these panties," he says.

"That's right, mister," says the wife, and you aren't going to until you change your attitude."

Kit Sober

The course of the bubonic plague was turned by the concept of clean.

[Righteous Brother]

There were these two guys who played golf together frequently. The one guy was several strokes better than the other guy, but the lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game. Finally, one Saturday morning he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, " You know, I've been trying to beat you for so long, I'm about ready to give up. But I heard about this golfing gorilla, and was wondering if it would be OK if he plays for me today. In fact, if you're willing, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year, which I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. You game?"

The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla, thinking, "after all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then

laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.

The guy turns to his friend and says "that's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this gorilla back to where he comes from--I need a drink, better make it a double, and I'll write you a check."

After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"

The other guy replies "same as his driving"

"That good, huh?"

" No, I mean, he hits putts the same way--450 yards, right down the middle!"

RB