Zixar

HEY! INVISIBLE AUDIENCE! WAKE UP! Everybody awake now? Good! Pay no attention to those who feel they have to cut themselves down by building me up. They're just bitter, deceived, spurchully-vacuumed grapefreat who just happen to be right. Cluck your tongues condescendingly at them and further ensmugify yourselves at their blindity. Now, on to business. As you know, I don't have time to fully get into these things at this precise juncture, as someone has shuffled my stack of 64 Kraft Processed American Cheese Food Singles, and I simply must sortify them into the Hidden New World Order before Wapner. Yeah. I'm an excellent biblical researcher, yeah. So, the Secret Encrypted Corned-Beef Hash that I have bemastered from a 40s-era wire recording of Mein Doktor belching after a hearty meal of sackcloth and ashes, is as follows. It's all your fault. I'd go into more detail, but I just don't want to. Soupy twist, The Most Honorably Right Reverend Grand High Vice Pontiff In Charge Of Self-Righteousnosity And Vigorous And Frequent Therapeutical Auto-Mastering, Vice Pope Saint Z-Dog The Erect

Jerry: No, no, fling your compliments with impunity, I am quite used to them. Better people than you have lauded my genius, including Presbyterians, Episcopalians, and this guy I know at the comic book store. I am quite undeterred by your positive remarks. Though I too was once unsure of my greatness, little by little I came to realize how amazingly superior I am to the rest of the meat sacks who infest this site. I owe this all to my incredible ability to build intricate delusions so precise, so...dare I say, perfect, that even I cannot tell where the border of simple "fact" [hmph] and my glorious Mastery Of The Truth™ blur together. I have had a good eleven minutes to tell myself the Truth, so it must be all your fault that you cannot discern the full depths of how cheese-gratingly apostolic I smell. (Of course, don't feel worse than you should, I am me after all, and I am unanimous in that!) Oh, Buddha. Is that the time? ;)-->

Long gone: How will you know unless you master it? ;)-->

Larry: Your last letter obviously shows that not only did you not even READ my last teaching to you, let alone MASTER it, you also did not crawl inside of my head and discern the True Meaning of What I Really Meant From What I Really Said. How can you call yourself a school when you won't even treat the great masterings in my head like they are etched in stone? Nevertheless, to stoop down to your level and [snort] "finish" something I started, HMP-...Say, did you ever ponder how a board works? I have an elegant thirty-four volume proof that shows that it all depends on your definition of "being a f*cking piece of wood", but I'll give you a completely spurious definition that I then tear down masterfully to show that it's not really "being a f*cking piece of wood", your brain only fills in that idea because that's what it EXPECTS a board to be. Aren't I brilliant? I've shared this with ONE Official Board Inspector, and he did not disagree, in fact, I think he gave his complete approval of My Theory™ by taking a board and imaginarily and perceptively cracking it across the back of my head. But I gotta run now.

INT. KULTWELLE DUNGEON - A LITTLE LATER KARL Try this one. INDY I already did, it tastes funny. KARL No, you fool! Try this KEY in that LOCK! The door opens with a clack. KARL Are you always this mind-numbingly stupid? INDY Not generally...I saved the world from the Nazis three whole times, you see. KARL Twice. INDY What? KARL Twice. The second movie wasn't about any Nazis. INDY Why didn't I remember that? KARL Well, it's indicative you're suffering from Veg-head. INDY What? KARL Veg-head, a term coined to describe the replacement of intuituve reasoning with rote memorization of questionable catchphrases. INDY Egad! What are the symptoms? KARL Well, blind stupidity for one... INDY Aha! That lets ME out! KARL Oh, you're right, standing around in a cell with an open door arguing over movie trivia was the subject of Einstein's Theory of Brain-Goodage, after all... INDY Damn straight! Now, let's lock the door and prepare for a siege! KARL (sighs patiently) Or, we could walk out of here, find Dr. Kultwelle and expose him. INDY (gets glazed look on face) Homosexual innuendo does not compute....Error...Error...Doktor, coordinate! KARL I meant "expose his Kult for a sham", not "expose himself." INDY Ohhh, riiiight. What did I say? KARL Never mind. DR. KULTWELLE Not so fast! The music SWELLS DRAMATICALLY... INDY/KARL (in unison) Consternation! Uproar! [next!]

Larry: Well, ordinarily I would write "Hmph" to that, but you see, I just don't have time to write "Hmph" at you this afternoon, but rest assured that I will gladly write the "Hmph" at you that you so inwardly crave, yet outwardly chide me for even suggesting, that "Hmph", and not any other "Hmph" you might be inwardly creaming for and outwardly loading your revolver at, that's the "Hmph" I will "Hmph" at you. When I get the time. Pardon me while I bow to the invisible throng who is hanging on my every word and imagining me naked. No, no, don't throw panties, money will do nicely, O Throng Invisibule!

Well, when we get around to Amazing-Fact-I-Invented #3,184, then all will be made perfectly clear, but time does not allow me to divulge it to you. But it shows I'm perfectly right, and if you don't take my word for it, I'll print out your reply and use it in my suicide note. Bet you'll be sorry then. You see, God revealed all this stuff to this guy, whom God must have liked or else He wouldn't have revealed it all to him, and it was the greatest thing since sliced bibles, but even the guy who got the revelation couldn't tell us all of it because he hadn't mastered it himself, otherwise, he'd never have written the un-canonical Advanced stuff, but he told us to master it in the seventh-to-next-to-last letter he wrote to the UN and since it was in RED crayon, that makes it significant, because everyone knows I've decreed red to be the color of significance, and if it wasn't, the guy would never have used it to write his seventh-to-next-to-last letter, why can't you see that, it's as clear as the nose on your face, and so since he significantly encrayoned the command to master the ORIGINAL stuff he got, and not all that other crap he just made up out of thin air because he didn't MENTION it in his seventh-to-next-to-last letter in red crayon then it's obviously insignificant, especially in those places where he contradicted himself in the parts I want to believe, so I have spent the last 3,912 millennia reading it so much my eyes bled until I finally gave up and declared I have mastered it, and I will share with you all the great eye-bleedingly important truths that God has now revealed unto me, which somehow doesn't make me a better apostle than Dr Pepper even though he and I are the only ones who God let in on His Secret Message, but only I have mastered it out of the ORIGINAL stuff, so now I'm going to reveal it to everyone who is calling me an arrogant egotist because they really do want to hear it so they can dig Dr out of his grave and sit me on his Own Right Hand for delivering his Seventh-To-Next-To-Last Double-Secret HIDDEN Command to you. But I don't have time to tell you now, even though it's only three words. Bye!

Out of 54 votes at this point: Yes!- 1 Well, I'd look...- 4 Not really- 12 Hell, no!- 37 49 negative to 5 positive... I detect a trend...

[Posts...too...humorous!...must...suppress...guffaw...]

Latest figures, Yes- 0 Well, I'd look- 2 Not really- 10 Hell, no!- 33 Then, of course, we have Mr. Butterfly-Ballot... [must...not...laugh...]

Stop! You guys are killing me! (LMAO)

[snicker...snort] BWAHAHAHAHA! (ROFLMAOPIMP)

Yes, by all means, silent masses, VOTE! :)-->

As of the time of this post, 29 people had responded: YES! - 0 Well, I'd look at them - 1 Not really - 5 Hell no - 23

INT. KULTWELLE'S DUNGEON - NIGHT Indy and another prisoner are chained to a wall. They are being forced to listen to a recording of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Anything But Sold-Out Bondslaves To The Worshipful Doktor" over and over again. Indy is about to go mad... INDY Arrrgh...that fiend! Time to get the flock outta Dodge! PRISONER What's the plan? INDY Well, I could fake being sick, then when the guard rushes in, I bop him on the head and run out. PRISONER What? INDY It's right here in "The Big George Lucas Standard Book Of Hackneyed Plot Devices, Omnibus Edition"... PRISONER Have you noticed that you're chained to the wall? INDY Oh. Uhh....okay, I'll challenge him to a pointless fist fight so he'll drop his gun, then push him into an airplane propeller! PRISONER Oooooo-kay....and where'd you come up with that one, pray tell? INDY I saw it in a movie somewhere... PRISONER What, like your first one? Indy is silent for a beat... INDY (softly) Yes. BLESPA TROLL GUARD QVIET in zere, or you will suffer a fate worse than death! PRISONER Like what? Crevice inspection on Frau von Rosenbark? BLESPA TROLL GUARD SILENCE! And do not even attempt to escape, or you will suffer even worse! Guard walks away down the hall. INDY Oh, swell. A fate WORSE than a fate worse than death... PRISONER At least you're not locked up in here with someone who can't make a joke without stealing a line from "Blackadder". Indy looks around sheepishly. INDY I knew I should have gotten a receipt for the Ark of the Covenant...a face-melting artifact would come in really handy right about now. PRISONER What, like this? Prisoner tosses a spray can to Indy. We see the label: CONCENTRATED BREATH OF DARTINMALE--Now With Extra Spit! INDY Where were you keeping this? PRISONER You don't want to know. Suffice it to say I had to keep it somewhere where it's unique odor would go unnoticed... Indy drops the can. INDY Eww! I could have gone my whole life without knowing that. PRISONER I wish you'd hurry up, that stuff's starting to eat through it's own can! Indy sprays the chains which bubble and scream as if being trapped on a transoceanic flight between a Jehovah's Witness and a life insurance salesman. INDY Guard! GUARD! GUARD Ja? Vhat do YOU vant, hat-headed fellow? INDY To lure you in here so I can spray you with thi...damn! Prisoner rolls eyes. Guard sniffs. GUARD Hey! Zat smells like mein own mother's cooking! Indy walks up to the cell door. INDY What, this? (sprays guard in face) GUARD Jawohl! Aarrgh! (Guard falls to floor) Prisoner sighs. INDY What's your problem? I got him! PRISONER And WHICH side of the door is he now on? WITH THE CELL KEYS? INDY Sh1t. [Next!]

bumping this back to the top...

Regardless of your personal feelings towards the posters, please choose how you feel about finding out anything else VPW might have left unsaid: All votes are of course confidential, so be honest.

EXT. - KULTWELLE HQ - NIGHT INDY and Completely-Different-PYT sneak off, but are accosted by a BLESPA TROLL, a hideous beast that makes Nazis look cute and fluffy by comparison. BLESPA TROLL Halt! Vhere are you goink in ze middle of zee Nacht? INDY (sheepish grin) Oh, you know, out to the Whey Woods, sacrifice a goat to Shub-Nigurath, do a couple of "I&auml-I&aumls", you know... C-D-PYT (starts to cry) You told me we were going to play "Putting Things Inside Of Other Things"! Waaah! BLESPA TROLL Show me your papers! Indy hands them over, and the troll studies them anally. BLESPA TROLL Zese seem to be in order, but do you have any papers to prove zat zese are YOUR papers??? INDY Yes. BLESPA TROLL Really? INDY Yes. BLESPA TROLL Oh. Right, zen. Off you go! INDY Wow! That never works! BLESPA TROLL VHAT? INDY Oops. A pointless chase into a pond ensues, for no obvious reason than to get the starlet wet. [scene the next goeth here] [This message was edited by Zixar on February 05, 2003 at 13:45.]

Steve: Well, if you insist... But I really think it should be a joint effort. Everybody takes turns writing a scene. PARAMOUNT LOGO FADES EXT. - TRAIN PLATFORM TITLES OVER "JUBBULPORE, INDIA" On a crowded train platform, we see DR. VICTOR KULTWELLE, thin, fortyish, conversing with some sort of minor functionary. INDIAN EXTRA #1 Here's your hat, Dr. Kultwelle. Have a nice trip. Oh, and if I ever see you again, I'll turn your nads into Victor vindaloo. DR. KULTWELLE Dat's riiiight! PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2 Please, sir, will you heal my arm? But, I do not believe in your Jesus. DR. KULTWELLE You don't? Why? PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2 'Cause this is a Spielberg movie, and if Jews aren't being persecuted or disproportionately represented, we're damn sure not going to give any other religion lip service! DR. KULTWELLE What about that Holy Grail thing last episode? Never mind...(waves hand around) Abracadabra! You're cured, mate. That'll be 1200 rupees...What's the matter? PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2 I can't reach my wallet! Now my other arm is paralyzed, too! DR. KULTWELLE Hmmm....got a sister? PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2 Surely you jest, sir. You wouldn't want that on your conscience. DR. KULTWELLE Yeah, I wouldn't want your sister on my conscience...not when she ought to be on my FACE! Woof, woof! Camera pulls back over the shoulder of a rugged man in a fedora. Guess who. INDIANA JONES So, Dr. Kultwelle, we meet again...God must hate me. DR. KULTWELLE Ah, Jones. Have you come to submit to my awesome pay-wer? INDIANA JONES Your what? DR. KULTWELLE Pay-wer, PAY-WER! You know, "Pay-wer For Abhorrent Lusting"! INDIANA JONES No, I was hoping you could help me with a problem. DR. KULTWELLE What problem is that? INDIANA JONES This revolver has too many bullets in it. DR. KULTWELLE Uh, wouldn't you just rather play a game of basketball instead? I invented the hook shot, you know... INDIANA JONES (thinking it over) Hmmm....naah, basketball's for Nazis. (draws revolver) DR. KULTWELLE Wait, WAIT! I can tell you where The Greatest Secret In My Head Today is! INDIANA JONES Lemme guess...your head? DR. KULTWELLE Yes! I mean, no! I have this Magical Orange Book, that, when truly mastered, can reveal the card you picked was the NINE OF SPADES! INDIANA JONES Three of diamonds. DR. KULTWELLE That's what I said! INDIANA JONES (putting away revolver) Okay, I won't shoot you... DR. KULTWELLE Hah! Praise Me! I knew you would fall before my awesome pay-wer! INDIANA JONES No, I think my bullwhip needs a little greasing, instead. Kultwelle drops the orange book and runs screaming like a girl off the platform. INDIAN MUCKETY-MUCK That was the most awesome display of kindness I've yet witnessed. That a hat-wearing man would drive off a lecherous old windbag from all God's people, whether they be Jewish, Hindu, or Christian, that's quite a feat. Jones looks back at the camera. Spielberg makes a stern "keep it moving" gesture. Jones turns back. INDIANA JONES Not a problem. The first six letters of my name are "Indian", you know... INDIAN MUCKETY-MUCK Well, that makes no sense whatsoever. Toodles, then! Jones, not yet knowing he's making the biggest mistake of his life, picks up the Magical Orange Book and steps on the train. ROLL OPENING TITLE MONTAGE -- "Indiana Jones and The Cult That Snapped" [scene Two goes here]

It's The Great Pumpkin, Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones IV: Die, Korea, Die! Indiana Jones Gets Hat Cancer Bring Me The Head Of Indiana Jones Indiana Jones ....es Off Cthulhu Indiana Jones vs. Godzilla Indiana Jones vs. The Tenure Committee

Rafael: Ever seen this joke? Same diff. Zix "It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not on religion but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We shall not fight alone. God presides over the destinies of nations." - Patrick Henry

Rafael: But his statement could also be construed as "Most Jews have > 50% Khazar ancestry", too. In other words, a modern Jew with 3 Khazar grandparents and 1 Sephardic grandparent would be predominantly (75%) Khazar. If that's the case, you're double-counting some of them. Zix "It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not on religion but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We shall not fight alone. God presides over the destinies of nations." - Patrick Henry

Rafael: 26%? How does that confer predominance? "It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not on religion but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We shall not fight alone. God presides over the destinies of nations." - Patrick Henry

Rafael: Don't know why I didn't catch this before, but you're using "apatheia" instead of "apeitheia". Two different things.

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