Ckeer I agree that the systems and folks involved differ from situation to situation but ultimely it stems from one personality disorder and their ability to sway others to do their bidding.
In my case the various police depts did nothing despite an arrest for kidnapping and a later incident involving pointing a gun and repeated stalking/harrassing events.
A sherriff explained it to me like this *there are some people we know that we won't arrest because of who they are* another person explained those people as untouchables due to their involvment in local criminal activities which may or may not involve some of the folks hired to protect and serve...so the cards were stacked against us from the git go. The upside to this is the corruption is public knowledge and steps have been taken to begin cleaning it up.
Recently I spoke with an exinlaw who apparantly believes I did nothing during the recent family troubles. I suppose 50-60 therapy sessions, two co-parenting classes (one lasting 8 weeks, the other 2), making sure my kids got off to school on time with a full stomach good attitude and work done counts as nothing. I suppose understanding what my ex was going through and trying to stay connected enough for when the meltdown happened counts as contributing nothing...
But then I think from whom this came,
This came from the woman who didn't press charges against the abuser even tho his criminal behavior continued to escalate and eventually led to serious emotional consequences for all involved.
read through this and at times my memories get a wee bit overwhelming, but to the best of my knowledge it does take two (or more!) to begin the sick tango of abusive relationships be they interpersonal or group. It's "normal" for the escalation of violence-dmiller I applaud your courage, and I encourage your efforts to make progress w/the boss man. I also found that most abuser's (helped with group after I was "done" with consuling) like someone mentioned just can not accept they have any probelm. The mental view of the person is that they are justified to react in the way that they do. Most of them are just chicken**** when really confronted, but the behavior is incredibly hard to modify. The "abuse-ee" has a chore to do as well, look at why where and how you got to where you are at and then re-wire yourself-I will not even say "renew'd m**d" I feel it was a part of the brainwash technique.I feel so lucky that I did not have children within my situation-I would have never gotten out. It is fasinating to look at, from the outside. Hell to be inside.
:)--> Shell, thanks I couldn't have worked through this without the help I got from you and a couple of folks from here, many thanks to you and those who listened to my venting. This could have ended even more tragicly than it did because terminating the sob was a very real option (for me) at the time.
Nearly everything on the wheel rings true in my situation, from telling the spouse she can leave, just with no $ or property, to talking through the children (or girlfriend), to getting others (including the town drunk) to do their dirty work to minimizing the damage done, not only to the spouse but also to the children and grandchildren.
This long term abuse led to a very low self esteem for my ex spouse and deep seated belief that she and her children (and me) were losers, this inspite of them (and her) being bright intelligent caring individuals.
And of course this person feels totally self justified and blameless.
The heaviest part of the whole thing for me was the secrets which prevented me from knowing what was going on and made my job that much more dificult.
I was told (recently) that I could of tortured her (the ex spouse) and she wouldn't have told me what was going on. The upside to this is I was also asked if the codependant cycle can be broken to which I said yes but with a lot of work.
Agreed, the victim may want to work on rebuilding the self-esteem and self-confidence that was systematically eroded by a relationship with an abuser. The victim may also want to develop better "antennae" against this type of character in the future. However, the victim should never feel that somehow he/she deserved or wanted the abuse.
Dear Shell,
A lot of times, there are secrets in cases of abuse, even after the events are past. Some to protect the innocent; others, to forgive the guilty; still others, to protect the self.
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herbiejuan
That's my motto Shaz a life well lived
:)-->
Ckeer I agree that the systems and folks involved differ from situation to situation but ultimely it stems from one personality disorder and their ability to sway others to do their bidding.
In my case the various police depts did nothing despite an arrest for kidnapping and a later incident involving pointing a gun and repeated stalking/harrassing events.
A sherriff explained it to me like this *there are some people we know that we won't arrest because of who they are* another person explained those people as untouchables due to their involvment in local criminal activities which may or may not involve some of the folks hired to protect and serve...so the cards were stacked against us from the git go. The upside to this is the corruption is public knowledge and steps have been taken to begin cleaning it up.
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herbiejuan
Thanks for the wheel Shell
:)-->
Recently I spoke with an exinlaw who apparantly believes I did nothing during the recent family troubles. I suppose 50-60 therapy sessions, two co-parenting classes (one lasting 8 weeks, the other 2), making sure my kids got off to school on time with a full stomach good attitude and work done counts as nothing. I suppose understanding what my ex was going through and trying to stay connected enough for when the meltdown happened counts as contributing nothing...
But then I think from whom this came,
This came from the woman who didn't press charges against the abuser even tho his criminal behavior continued to escalate and eventually led to serious emotional consequences for all involved.
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andreatheflorist
Herb-ala-and all
read through this and at times my memories get a wee bit overwhelming, but to the best of my knowledge it does take two (or more!) to begin the sick tango of abusive relationships be they interpersonal or group. It's "normal" for the escalation of violence-dmiller I applaud your courage, and I encourage your efforts to make progress w/the boss man. I also found that most abuser's (helped with group after I was "done" with consuling) like someone mentioned just can not accept they have any probelm. The mental view of the person is that they are justified to react in the way that they do. Most of them are just chicken**** when really confronted, but the behavior is incredibly hard to modify. The "abuse-ee" has a chore to do as well, look at why where and how you got to where you are at and then re-wire yourself-I will not even say "renew'd m**d" I feel it was a part of the brainwash technique.I feel so lucky that I did not have children within my situation-I would have never gotten out. It is fasinating to look at, from the outside. Hell to be inside.
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herbiejuan
Nearly everything on the wheel rings true in my situation, from telling the spouse she can leave, just with no $ or property, to talking through the children (or girlfriend), to getting others (including the town drunk) to do their dirty work to minimizing the damage done, not only to the spouse but also to the children and grandchildren.
This long term abuse led to a very low self esteem for my ex spouse and deep seated belief that she and her children (and me) were losers, this inspite of them (and her) being bright intelligent caring individuals.
And of course this person feels totally self justified and blameless.
The heaviest part of the whole thing for me was the secrets which prevented me from knowing what was going on and made my job that much more dificult.
I was told (recently) that I could of tortured her (the ex spouse) and she wouldn't have told me what was going on. The upside to this is I was also asked if the codependant cycle can be broken to which I said yes but with a lot of work.
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shazdancer
Dear andrea,
Agreed, the victim may want to work on rebuilding the self-esteem and self-confidence that was systematically eroded by a relationship with an abuser. The victim may also want to develop better "antennae" against this type of character in the future. However, the victim should never feel that somehow he/she deserved or wanted the abuse.
Dear Shell,
A lot of times, there are secrets in cases of abuse, even after the events are past. Some to protect the innocent; others, to forgive the guilty; still others, to protect the self.
Do what you have to do.
Regards,
Shaz
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