I went to my door and the postman had just delivered a partridge in a pear tree! My goodness, what a thoroughly delightful gift! I could not have been more surprised or touched.
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Incredible.... Two turtledoves!! I am thrilled by your extremely creative gift. The little birds are so darling.
Oh, my goodness, aren't you the extravagant one? Now, I really must protest. I do not deserve such generosity... three French hens. They are just as cute as they can be, but I must insist, you have been too, too kind!
Today the mailman delivered the four calling birds. Now, honestly, they are beautiful, but don't you think that too much of a good thing can be overdone? You are being too romantic!
My god! What a heart stopping surprise! The postman delivered the five golden rings; one for each finger. You are just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves!
When I opened my front door today, there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps!! So, you're back to the birds again.. huh? Those geese are huge. Where in the hell will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through all the racket!
What's with you and those F@#$@^&*! birds? Seven swans-a-swimming? What kind of a goddamned joke is this? There is bird dang all over the house and they never stop with all the racket! I cannot sleep at night and am quite literally, a nervous wreck! This is NOT funny. So, stop with all those frigging birds, already!
I think that I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? For Christ sake? It is not enough with all those damn birds and the eight maids, but they had to bring their goddamned cows! There is dang all over the lawn and I cannot move in my own house. Just lay off me smartass!
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now, there are nine pipers playing. And, for Christ . do they play!! They have not stopped chasing the maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows have been getting upset and they have been stepping all over those screeching birds. What the hell am I suppose to do? The neighbors are sending around a petition to evict me!
Now I have ten ladies dancing in my house. I have no idea why they call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those Pipers all night long. Now, the cows cannot sleep and they have gotten diarrhea. My living room is a river of dang. The Commissioner of Building has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned.
What's with those eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids and ladies??? Some of those broads will never walk again for crying out loud. The damn Pipers ran through the maids and have been committing acts of sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are totally satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine!
This letter is to acknowledge the delivery of latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have chosen to inflict upon our client, Ms. Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of this woman, was, of course, total. All further correspondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Ms McHolstein at Happydale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot on sight.
All this stuff is just big city people tryin to make fun of us country red neck folk.
Number 1 every country boy I know prefers motorized transperation. Deer are to be shot and eatin. Pigs are needed for the pork for the ring sausage you make the deer into. Dogs are not kept on the porch. You keep them in the back of the truck. Best car alarm ever invented.
Number 2. Bring on all the birds and cows you want. Thats what I call live stock. It can be sold for cash. Bring on the maids and fidlers. We always have need for more hands to help with the work.
And as a side light we will wear any gimmy hat we can get. Don't wear beer shirts, they cost money(besides I drink Dr. Pepper).
Do bring all the lawyers you want. I have lots and lots of ammo and a big hole to fill.
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Ms. Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 14, 1997
Dearest, sweetest, incredible John,
I went to my door and the postman had just delivered a partridge in a pear tree! My goodness, what a thoroughly delightful gift! I could not have been more surprised or touched.
With my deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
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Ms. Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 15, 1997
Dear adorable, thoughtful, John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Incredible.... Two turtledoves!! I am thrilled by your extremely creative gift. The little birds are so darling.
All my love and undying devotion,
Agnes
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Ms. Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 16, 1997
Dear John,
Oh, my goodness, aren't you the extravagant one? Now, I really must protest. I do not deserve such generosity... three French hens. They are just as cute as they can be, but I must insist, you have been too, too kind!
Love and kisses
Agnes
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Ms. Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 17, 1997
Dear John,
Today the mailman delivered the four calling birds. Now, honestly, they are beautiful, but don't you think that too much of a good thing can be overdone? You are being too romantic!
Affectionately,
Agnes
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Ms. Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 18, 1997
Dear John,
My god! What a heart stopping surprise! The postman delivered the five golden rings; one for each finger. You are just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves!
All my love,
Agnes
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Ms. Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 19, 1997
John,
When I opened my front door today, there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps!! So, you're back to the birds again.. huh? Those geese are huge. Where in the hell will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through all the racket!
Regards,
Agnes
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Ms. Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 20, 1997
John:
What's with you and those F@#$@^&*! birds? Seven swans-a-swimming? What kind of a goddamned joke is this? There is bird dang all over the house and they never stop with all the racket! I cannot sleep at night and am quite literally, a nervous wreck! This is NOT funny. So, stop with all those frigging birds, already!
Sincerely,
Agnes
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Flow7
Ms. Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 21, 1997
OK BUSTER!
I think that I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? For Christ sake? It is not enough with all those damn birds and the eight maids, but they had to bring their goddamned cows! There is dang all over the lawn and I cannot move in my own house. Just lay off me smartass!
Agnes
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Ms. Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 22, 1997
Hey, dang-for-brains:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now, there are nine pipers playing. And, for Christ . do they play!! They have not stopped chasing the maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows have been getting upset and they have been stepping all over those screeching birds. What the hell am I suppose to do? The neighbors are sending around a petition to evict me!
You'll get yours!
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Ms. Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 23, 1997
You rotten P#@%*!!!
Now I have ten ladies dancing in my house. I have no idea why they call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those Pipers all night long. Now, the cows cannot sleep and they have gotten diarrhea. My living room is a river of dang. The Commissioner of Building has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned.
I am sending the police after you.
One who means it!!!
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Ms. Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, CO
December 24, 1997
Listen up F$%#@!$ head and listen good......
What's with those eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids and ladies??? Some of those broads will never walk again for crying out loud. The damn Pipers ran through the maids and have been committing acts of sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are totally satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine!
Your sworn enemy!
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Law Offices of Badger, Beatdown and Cohere
P.O. Box IGOTU
Chicago, IL
December 25, 1997
Dear Sir:
This letter is to acknowledge the delivery of latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have chosen to inflict upon our client, Ms. Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of this woman, was, of course, total. All further correspondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Ms McHolstein at Happydale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant.
Cordially,
Badger, Beatdown and Cohere
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ex70sHouston
All this stuff is just big city people tryin to make fun of us country red neck folk.
Number 1 every country boy I know prefers motorized transperation. Deer are to be shot and eatin. Pigs are needed for the pork for the ring sausage you make the deer into. Dogs are not kept on the porch. You keep them in the back of the truck. Best car alarm ever invented.
Number 2. Bring on all the birds and cows you want. Thats what I call live stock. It can be sold for cash. Bring on the maids and fidlers. We always have need for more hands to help with the work.
And as a side light we will wear any gimmy hat we can get. Don't wear beer shirts, they cost money(besides I drink Dr. Pepper).
Do bring all the lawyers you want. I have lots and lots of ammo and a big hole to fill.
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markomalley
Flow:
It has been YEARS since I read that. Thanks. I needed the laugh.
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