One of the first things we had to learn is that anger is not bad. The fact that we feel angry over abuses (& etc.) is VERY healthy and should be acknowledged as healthy and normal. We are fully entitled to be angry, to experience it (but not live or revel in it), to allow ourselves to feel it (though not let it take over our existence), and to know that we have a right to be angry (though that right does not extend to holding grudges or controlling others through that anger).
So with that premise set in our family, when angry outbursts happen we have a plan in place to back up, go somewhere to get our thoughts and emotions in order, and then go back to the person/situation with the attitude of working together to reach a good solution. And we have code phrases set up in case the angry person does not back up and go somewhere to get themselves together.
Communication skills like active listening and mirroring are what we use so that each person can be sure they are heard. Active listening is keeping eye contact and showing interest through body language (a posture that shows the speaker that they are being heard). Mirroring is listening to what is being said and then repeating it back to that person to be sure that what was heard was what was meant.
The most startling emotion is sudden anger.
That burst of anger that pops up out of the blue due to a “trigger” from one’s past. This anger is unsettling, but is a normal part of the healing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which is what my children and I were diagnosed with after leaving my ex).
This is the anger that has troubled us the most. We have an understanding in our family at this point in time that this anger does appear from time to time (though less and less frequently as we deal with it together), and when it does appear we know not to take it personally. We know to help that person work through that anger, find what trigger started it, and then they will be aware that that trigger exists so that next time the anger either will not appear or will be weaker in intensity (until finally, that person no longer reacts to that trigger). Talking freely about feelings and being allowed to feel just what we feel is the major key…this way, instead of forcing down emotions (which God gave us), we let those emotions alert us to things that need our attention.
This way…anger is not bad…it’s a god-given alert system that we pay attention to in order to avoid being in toxic situations/relationships again and to be whom we want to be.
We know that as a family, aside from the usual “I don’t WANNA do my chore right now” bickering, we are a close, loving family that gets along very, very well.
So, anger is an emotion given to us from God, for a reason, and I don't have to get rid of it all. MOst of it will slowly dissipate as I talk through my feelings when it comes up with someone who cares and listens and doesn't try to shut me up and who, hopefully, validates what I've said.
Hummmmmmmmmm. Is that what you meant by mirroring?
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waterbuffalo
Cindy! said:
I'm still hoping that mine will, someday.
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Cindy!
One of the first things we had to learn is that anger is not bad. The fact that we feel angry over abuses (& etc.) is VERY healthy and should be acknowledged as healthy and normal. We are fully entitled to be angry, to experience it (but not live or revel in it), to allow ourselves to feel it (though not let it take over our existence), and to know that we have a right to be angry (though that right does not extend to holding grudges or controlling others through that anger).
So with that premise set in our family, when angry outbursts happen we have a plan in place to back up, go somewhere to get our thoughts and emotions in order, and then go back to the person/situation with the attitude of working together to reach a good solution. And we have code phrases set up in case the angry person does not back up and go somewhere to get themselves together.
Communication skills like active listening and mirroring are what we use so that each person can be sure they are heard. Active listening is keeping eye contact and showing interest through body language (a posture that shows the speaker that they are being heard). Mirroring is listening to what is being said and then repeating it back to that person to be sure that what was heard was what was meant.
The most startling emotion is sudden anger.
That burst of anger that pops up out of the blue due to a “trigger” from one’s past. This anger is unsettling, but is a normal part of the healing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which is what my children and I were diagnosed with after leaving my ex).
This is the anger that has troubled us the most. We have an understanding in our family at this point in time that this anger does appear from time to time (though less and less frequently as we deal with it together), and when it does appear we know not to take it personally. We know to help that person work through that anger, find what trigger started it, and then they will be aware that that trigger exists so that next time the anger either will not appear or will be weaker in intensity (until finally, that person no longer reacts to that trigger). Talking freely about feelings and being allowed to feel just what we feel is the major key…this way, instead of forcing down emotions (which God gave us), we let those emotions alert us to things that need our attention.
This way…anger is not bad…it’s a god-given alert system that we pay attention to in order to avoid being in toxic situations/relationships again and to be whom we want to be.
We know that as a family, aside from the usual “I don’t WANNA do my chore right now” bickering, we are a close, loving family that gets along very, very well.
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waterbuffalo
So, anger is an emotion given to us from God, for a reason, and I don't have to get rid of it all. MOst of it will slowly dissipate as I talk through my feelings when it comes up with someone who cares and listens and doesn't try to shut me up and who, hopefully, validates what I've said.
Hummmmmmmmmm. Is that what you meant by mirroring?
I think I like that!
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waterbuffalo
Thanks for reminding us that it's ok to feel your feelings. I still forget that and try to squelch anger because it's such a lifetime habit for me.
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