Righteous Brother

WOMEN'S ENGLISH: FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks --this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine." GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. GO AHEAD (With Lowered Eyebrows) At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time! standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing." SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This goes much deeper than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing." RB

oooh, ouch This should generate a few replies. I'll be back later. I have to go ask my mommie if it's alright to post on this thread. RB

uh... viagra? RB

Q. What did the post card say from the blonde? A. Having a good time. Where am I? RB

This is WIERD! Try it. It only takes about 30 seconds. Don't cheat! Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Keep going . . . Don't stop . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Think of an animal that begins with that letter. . . . . Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Now, Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in that animals name. . . . . Say it out loud as you scroll down. . . . . . Almost there........ . . . . . . . . Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down. . . . . . . Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level. . . . . . . Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand. . . . . . . Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name? . . . . . . . . . . Of course not . . . . . . . . . . Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games. RB

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly drawing. That is until the last meeting Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs. Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duloot, (Duluth) a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven. Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush. At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month. Sven said, "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It vas so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for them dere tree days." Ole said, "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duloot was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters." Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says, "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but cha know, I tink I'll go back to using paper." RB

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole . . . when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone, but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The Pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then If you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you. RB

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one. "Meow," says the redhead. "It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks thesecond sack. "Woof," says the brunette. "Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack. "Potatoes," says the blonde. RB

A HISTORY OF BALLS ----------------- Did you know, in the mighty British Navy at the time of Empire building, every sailing ship had cannon (the plural of cannon) for protection. Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs. A ship's master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be available for instant use when needed, but in a manner that would not let them roll around the gun deck. The solution devised was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had three, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate referred to as a "brass monkey," with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust on the brass monkey, but would rust on an iron one. When temperature falls, brass contracts faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer of cannonballs would pop out of the indentations, spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." And so, another familiar phrase became part of the language. Now, aren't you glad you took the time to read this historical piece? And you thought this was going to be a "dirty" story....shame on you. RB

STUMPY AND MARTHA..... Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." RB

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell. Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door. The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms. The priest asks him, "How can you ring the bell?" The man said, "Let me show you." They went up to the bell and the man started smacking the bell with his head. The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, then he goes flying through the window. Two more priests come running and ask, "What happened? Who was that?" The second one said, "I don't know but that face sure rings a bell." RB

Once upon a time, there was a talking snake named Nate. Nate lived in the forest, under a big boulder that had a lever sticking out of it. One day, Nate received a visit from a talent scout from a circus. The scout had heard about Nate because Nate could talk. The talent scout asked Nate to join the circus. Nate was delighted, and he accepted. First, though, the talent scout asked him: "What is the lever for?" Nate responded: "If you touch the lever, you blow up the world." So Nate went off with the scout, and he stayed with the circus for a few weeks. He became homesick after that time, but he couldn't get out of his contract. So one night, as everyone else slept, he slithered away and headed back toward his home under the boulder. The talent scout woke up and realized Nate was gone. He climbed in his car and sped away in the direction of the boulder. As he drove down the highway at 100 mph, he saw Nate crossing the road toward his home. The talent scout was going too fast to stop, so he had to make a decision: hit Nate and kill him, or hit the lever and blow up the world. . . . . . . . . . . What do you think he did? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (scroll down) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He hit Nate. Know why? . . . . . . . . . (scroll down) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Better Nate than lever. oooohh! Sorry! RB

On a tour of Wisconsin, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit Lake Superior on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Minnesota Vikings football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 12 foot sturgeon. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Green Bay Packer jerseys roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the sturgeon' ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Viking fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the fish to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead sturgeon and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope and he summoned them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatred between the people of Wisconsin and Minnesota, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner replied, "he sure don't know diddly about Sturgeon fishing. How is the bait holding up? Do we need to get another one yet?" RB

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well,? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice. "No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well,? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesman." "A battery salesman?", cried the wife. "Yes," he replied, "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore!" RB

The Multi-Purpose Room... A smelly bum walks into a confessional booth. Fifteen minutes pass without a sound. The priest starts to wonder what this guy is doing, maybe he's gathering his thoughts or something. Finally the priest speaks up and says, "Son, is there something I can help you with?" The bum says, "Yeah. Got any toilet paper?" RB

RULES OF THE TODDLER --------------------- 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hand, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine. 8. If I think it's mine, it's mine. RB

Dr. Willis finished examining Matilda and went into the hallway to talk to her husband Bernie. "I don't want to alarm you," he said to Bernie, "but I don't like the way your wife looks at all." "Me neither, Doc." replied Bernie. "But she's a great cook and real good with the kids." RB

The results of the latest meta-analysis are in. Here's the final word on nutrition and health. [it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.] 1) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 2) The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 3) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 4) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 5) The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. RB

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries: Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. RB

Happy Birthday there, young lady! Here's to many, many more. RB

I wanted to use a nic rather than my real name, but I wanted a hotmail address to match. I went to hotmail.com and tried a bunch of different names and nicknames until Righteous Brother worked. Then I came to WayDale and logged in as Righteous Brother. Lo and behold, no one had taken that moniker yet. So, there you go. I am not a card carrying fan the Righteous Brothers, but I am a fan of that genre of music. So the name kinda sat well with me. As for the icon, well, I like to golf. Maybe one day I can get together with "Golfie" for a round or two. I hear there are some pretty nice courses down around his way. We left the Family Corps in the fall of 1997. I utterly enjoyed our times at the Indiana Campus. The training we received enabled us to handle the challenges we faced once we left. I'm thankful for that time. But I could never go back. Anyways... for now I choose to remain anonymous. I'm not holding any big corporate secrets or anything like that, I just don't want my name spread all over the place. A lot of you already know me and respect my privacy as I do yours. For those of you who don't know me, you can always click on my signature and we can talk off forum. I stop by here pretty much every day to look around. Don't post a whole lot. ( Unless Ron hits a hot button ) Usually the point gets made without my intervention anyway so there is no need for me to add to it. Great thread Kit. I look forward to reading it as it develops. RB

Haven't been here for a while so here's a new one to bring it back to the top. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him." RB

Q. How do you identify a bald eagle? A. All of his feathers are combed to one side. Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and, perhaps, try using lubrication. Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs, and Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for two people who for eight years repeatedly testified they couldn't remember anything. Q. Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? A. It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who have splitting headaches. A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?" The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving." "That's the quickest way!" Being married or single is a choice we all have to make. It's not a great choice....it's sort of like when the doctor says, "Ointment or suppositories?" - Richard Jeni RB

Now you got me thinking about Santa Jokes. Here's one of my favorites. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Santa's Trip There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the Earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a Conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the Sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas RB

As long as you brought up "real" stuff. Here's one from my inbox. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ACTUAL RADIO CONVERSATION This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call! RB