Gee, thanks 6R, now I have to clean coffee off of my monitor! the Great Pumpkin, indeed!
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - oh, wait, that was used already
Note: very obscure joke
Indiana Jones and the Fountain of Living Waters
Indiana Jones Raw is War!
Indiana Jones Crosses the Bridge Into the Promised Land
Indiana Jones IV - the Wrath of Khan
Indiana Jones and God's Spit
6R, I think that perhaps a script would be in order, don't you? After all, those Boobyprize, er, Enterprise scripts you wrote were pretty funny! Perhaps "Indiana Jones and the Evil Cult".
Steve: Well, if you insist... But I really think it should be a joint effort. Everybody takes turns writing a scene.
PARAMOUNT LOGO FADES
EXT. - TRAIN PLATFORM
TITLES OVER "JUBBULPORE, INDIA"
On a crowded train platform, we see DR. VICTOR KULTWELLE, thin, fortyish, conversing with some sort of minor functionary.
INDIAN EXTRA #1
Here's your hat, Dr. Kultwelle. Have a nice trip. Oh, and if I ever see you again, I'll turn your nads into Victor vindaloo.
DR. KULTWELLE
Dat's riiiight!
PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2
Please, sir, will you heal my arm? But, I do not believe in your Jesus.
DR. KULTWELLE
You don't? Why?
PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2
'Cause this is a Spielberg movie, and if Jews aren't being persecuted or disproportionately represented, we're damn sure not going to give any other religion lip service!
DR. KULTWELLE
What about that Holy Grail thing last episode? Never mind...(waves hand around) Abracadabra! You're cured, mate. That'll be 1200 rupees...What's the matter?
PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2
I can't reach my wallet! Now my other arm is paralyzed, too!
DR. KULTWELLE
Hmmm....got a sister?
PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2
Surely you jest, sir. You wouldn't want that on your conscience.
DR. KULTWELLE
Yeah, I wouldn't want your sister on my conscience...not when she ought to be on my FACE! Woof, woof!
Camera pulls back over the shoulder of a rugged man in a fedora. Guess who.
INDIANA JONES
So, Dr. Kultwelle, we meet again...God must hate me.
DR. KULTWELLE
Ah, Jones. Have you come to submit to my awesome pay-wer?
INDIANA JONES
Your what?
DR. KULTWELLE
Pay-wer, PAY-WER! You know, "Pay-wer For Abhorrent Lusting"!
INDIANA JONES
No, I was hoping you could help me with a problem.
DR. KULTWELLE
What problem is that?
INDIANA JONES
This revolver has too many bullets in it.
DR. KULTWELLE
Uh, wouldn't you just rather play a game of basketball instead? I invented the hook shot, you know...
INDIANA JONES
(thinking it over)
Hmmm....naah, basketball's for Nazis. (draws revolver)
DR. KULTWELLE
Wait, WAIT! I can tell you where The Greatest Secret In My Head Today is!
INDIANA JONES
Lemme guess...your head?
DR. KULTWELLE
Yes! I mean, no! I have this Magical Orange Book, that, when truly mastered, can reveal the card you picked was the NINE OF SPADES!
INDIANA JONES
Three of diamonds.
DR. KULTWELLE
That's what I said!
INDIANA JONES
(putting away revolver)
Okay, I won't shoot you...
DR. KULTWELLE
Hah! Praise Me! I knew you would fall before my awesome pay-wer!
INDIANA JONES
No, I think my bullwhip needs a little greasing, instead.
Kultwelle drops the orange book and runs screaming like a girl off the platform.
INDIAN MUCKETY-MUCK
That was the most awesome display of kindness I've yet witnessed. That a hat-wearing man would drive off a lecherous old windbag from all God's people, whether they be Jewish, Hindu, or Christian, that's quite a feat.
Jones looks back at the camera. Spielberg makes a stern "keep it moving" gesture. Jones turns back.
INDIANA JONES
Not a problem. The first six letters of my name are "Indian", you know...
INDIAN MUCKETY-MUCK
Well, that makes no sense whatsoever. Toodles, then!
Jones, not yet knowing he's making the biggest mistake of his life, picks up the Magical Orange Book and steps on the train.
ROLL OPENING TITLE MONTAGE -- "Indiana Jones and The Cult That Snapped"
If you ignore the absurd leaps in logic, and if you take Dr. Kultwelle's word for it that there really was a snowstorm in July in the middle of Death Valley, and if you ignore the places where he twists scripture to suit his own ends - then it fits! It really fits! It all hangs together, like a foot in a glove!
WITNESSEE (pretty young thang)
Oh, I don't care about all that! Does this guy have lots of money, and charisma, and power?
INDY
Wait a minute. Don't you care that Dr. Kultwelle spent over 40 years copying the works of other Christian authors? Don't you care that he wrote a book, and that if he could he would die for you?
PYT
As if. Show me the money!
INDY
Hold on a second, toots. In MY movies, *I'M* the one that's supposed to get the girl!
PYT
Oh, is that why you carry that bullwhip around with you?
INDY
We can talk about that later. First I've got to know right now - are you going to take this class on Pay-wer for Abhorrent Living or not?
PYT
Oh, all right, as long as I get to sleep with Dr. Kultwelle! But right now I'm starving! How come our waitress hasn't brought our food yet?
WAITRESS
Hey, Chef, hurry up with those 2 Blue Pate specials. But shouldn't they be called Blue Plate?
DR. PHLOX
No, I can assure you that they should not. And tell that reporter at the counter that the dwindling number of homeless people in this town is purely coincidental with the opening of this restaurant! By the way, when you are finished with your liver, can I have it?
Scene 3 - Interior, H. Old-one's office
UNKY HOWARD the DUCK
Well, Indy, we've taken into account your tremendous skill with ancient languages, and your amazing research talents, and we've decided that the perfect job for you here at the Worldwide International Headquarters of Kultwelle, Incorporated is . . .
INDY
Yes? yes?
HOWARD
Second assistant to the Porta-potty coordinator!
INDY
Honey wagon duty??!? I gave up all of my ancient artifacts, my professorship at Ancient Worlds University, my girlfriend, and my house, to be on honey wagon duty?
I can't wait to see the special effects WETA comes up with for the scene where the BLESPA TROLL inspects Indy's papers anally. They ought to top the fight with the balrog at the beginning of "The Two Towers".
INDY speaking in hushed tones to yet another PYT, now his wife
I'm starting to think that maybe some things around here could use a little bit of changing.
PYT
Oh, really? Such as what?
INDY
Well, you know this 3x3 rule they have - no one shall go anywhere unless your group is a three-some. I think maybe I should be able to go to the bathroom without 2 other people.
PYT
Hmmm. Interesting. So you're saying that HERR DOKTOR KULTWELLE IS WRONG!?? Who the hell are YOU to question leadersh!t? I've had my suspicions about you for some time now, and I can see that I was right!
4 BLESPA TROLLS COME BURSTING THROUGH THE DOOR
BLESPA TROLL #1
Come viss us. You may veel differently after spendink a night in ze cooler. Consider yourzelf to be on Spiritzual Pro-bay-zhun. You must write on ze blackboard 5000 times "I WILL NOT QVESTION DOKTOR KULTWELLE"
Indy and another prisoner are chained to a wall. They are being forced to listen to a recording of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Anything But Sold-Out Bondslaves To The Worshipful Doktor" over and over again. Indy is about to go mad...
INDY
Arrrgh...that fiend! Time to get the flock outta Dodge!
PRISONER
What's the plan?
INDY
Well, I could fake being sick, then when the guard rushes in, I bop him on the head and run out.
PRISONER
What?
INDY
It's right here in "The Big George Lucas Standard Book Of Hackneyed Plot Devices, Omnibus Edition"...
PRISONER
Have you noticed that you're chained to the wall?
INDY
Oh. Uhh....okay, I'll challenge him to a pointless fist fight so he'll drop his gun, then push him into an airplane propeller!
PRISONER
Oooooo-kay....and where'd you come up with that one, pray tell?
INDY
I saw it in a movie somewhere...
PRISONER
What, like your first one?
Indy is silent for a beat...
INDY
(softly)
Yes.
BLESPA TROLL GUARD
QVIET in zere, or you will suffer a fate worse than death!
PRISONER
Like what? Crevice inspection on Frau von Rosenbark?
BLESPA TROLL GUARD
SILENCE! And do not even attempt to escape, or you will suffer even worse!
Guard walks away down the hall.
INDY
Oh, swell. A fate WORSE than a fate worse than death...
PRISONER
At least you're not locked up in here with someone who can't make a joke without stealing a line from "Blackadder".
Indy looks around sheepishly.
INDY
I knew I should have gotten a receipt for the Ark of the Covenant...a face-melting artifact would come in really handy right about now.
PRISONER
What, like this?
Prisoner tosses a spray can to Indy. We see the label: CONCENTRATED BREATH OF DARTINMALE--Now With Extra Spit!
INDY
Where were you keeping this?
PRISONER
You don't want to know. Suffice it to say I had to keep it somewhere where it's unique odor would go unnoticed...
Indy drops the can.
INDY
Eww! I could have gone my whole life without knowing that.
PRISONER
I wish you'd hurry up, that stuff's starting to eat through it's own can!
Indy sprays the chains which bubble and scream as if being trapped on a transoceanic flight between a Jehovah's Witness and a life insurance salesman.
INDY
Guard! GUARD!
GUARD
Ja? Vhat do YOU vant, hat-headed fellow?
INDY
To lure you in here so I can spray you with thi...damn!
Prisoner rolls eyes.
Guard sniffs.
GUARD
Hey! Zat smells like mein own mother's cooking!
Indy walks up to the cell door.
INDY
What, this? (sprays guard in face)
GUARD
Jawohl! Aarrgh! (Guard falls to floor)
Prisoner sighs.
INDY
What's your problem? I got him!
PRISONER
And WHICH side of the door is he now on? WITH THE CELL KEYS?
Not generally...I saved the world from the Nazis three whole times, you see.
KARL
Twice.
INDY
What?
KARL
Twice. The second movie wasn't about any Nazis.
INDY
Why didn't I remember that?
KARL
Well, it's indicative you're suffering from Veg-head.
INDY
What?
KARL
Veg-head, a term coined to describe the replacement of intuituve reasoning with rote memorization of questionable catchphrases.
INDY
Egad! What are the symptoms?
KARL
Well, blind stupidity for one...
INDY
Aha! That lets ME out!
KARL
Oh, you're right, standing around in a cell with an open door arguing over movie trivia was the subject of Einstein's Theory of Brain-Goodage, after all...
INDY
Damn straight! Now, let's lock the door and prepare for a siege!
KARL
(sighs patiently)
Or, we could walk out of here, find Dr. Kultwelle and expose him.
INDY
(gets glazed look on face)
Homosexual innuendo does not compute....Error...Error...Doktor, coordinate!
KARL
I meant "expose his Kult for a sham", not "expose himself."
Oh, I'm going to do something much much worse! I'm going to have my way with your wives! And then I'm going to KICK YOUR SORRY @SSES OUT of my MIN-USS-TREE. I'm going to shame you, and degrade you, and drag your names through the mud, and accuse you of all sorts of horrible crimes against humanity and Der Veg.
INDY
You don't mean . . .!
KULTWELLE
Yes!!! Mark And AvoidTM!!!
INDY (very pale and shaky now)
Not that! Anything but that! How could you be so inhuman?
KULTWELLE
Oh, ya know, it gets easier as time goes by. And as I get older, I get weepier and weepier - I'll cry a little tear for you after you are out in the streets. A tear from laughing so hard!! Now that you have been out of your field of work for so many years, and all of your wealth is in my pocket - well, in my ashtrays, anyway - and all of your best years are behind you and you can NEVER! hahaha NEVER catch up to where you should be financially - now that you're basically F****D, I've got NO MORE USE for you. That PYT wife of yours, on the other hand . . . SHE'LL make a nice notch on my headboard!
INDY
(retching!)
I've got dirt on others! I can tell you who's a homo! I know who has a pet!
KULTWELLE
You think I don't know all that already? Nothing you say can save your sorry behind now, Mister Indy Anna "I'm not such a bigshot anymore" Jones!
And don't try going to the newspapers, or to any bleevers, or ANYBODY, because they JUST. . .WON'T . . . BELIEVE YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAAAAA! Chips Rear, here, is going to give you each $20 and a U-Haul. You've got 1 hour to get the hell out of Veg World.
INDY
You haven't seen the last of me, Kultwelle!
KULTWELLE
Haaaahahahaha! You think you matter? HA! My bank account matters! The notches on my headboard matter! Hey, where's PYT?
KULTWELLE wanders off
CHIPS REAR
I've got a gun and I know how to use it. Move it on out, now, you SOB's, before I pop you full of lead!
INDY
We'll just see about that.
Later, in Philadelphia . . .
INDY
Why do I feel so awake now? What happened? Where have I been?
KARL
It's the effects of VegWorld wearing off. You haven't had any VegWater or VegVOVBurgers in a while, so the chemicals flush out of your system. Do you know where you are?
INDY
Last thing I remember, I was in Jubbulpore, India, and some guy said "Pay-wer".
KARL
Well, Indy, that was 20 years ago.
INDY
My God! The University? My inheritance? My dog Toto?
KARL
History, my man.
INDY
We've got to come up with a plan. We've got to stop Kultwelle before he ruins more lives! Something's got to be done!
It's got to! It's the only way we'll get our families back.
KARL
But just where the heck are we going to find a live chinchilla, a blue trumpet, a left-handed fork, asparagus flavored edible panties, and an orangutan?
INDY
What? Where the hell did you get THAT list?
KARL
Ooops, hehehe. Nevermind. Pretend you didn't hear all of that. There's NOT going to be a party next Saturday night, and I'm NOT going to it, and there WON'T be all kinds of babes there. Really. So don't go looking for it. Cuz it won't be there.
INDY
I thought you learned your lesson last time. Remember how long it took for your eyebrows to grow back? And I really don't think the cat will ever be the same.
DR. PHLOX
Here are your orders, gentlemen. Huma- er, calve's liver for you, and butt steak for you.
INDY
Ummm, didn't you used to have a cute waitress here?
DR. PHLOX
Ahh, yes, she was rather tasty, wasn't she? er, I mean, attractive. A delicious personality. She's, er, away at a banquet.
INDY
Oh, I see. Thank you. So, Karl, how are we going to find someone that's even worse than Kultwelle?
KARL
I have just the person. Clonendale! His first name is Oy! but everyone calls him Rag. He's already one of Kultwelle's cronies - all we have to do is slip a few subliminal suggestions to Kultwelle, and Clonendale is in!
INDY
How are we going to manage that?
KARL
My ex-wife's third cousin, Rosary Barkingfox. She's in Kultwelle's inner circle, too. We just have to plant some ideas of grandeur in HER head, and the rest will take care of itself!
Beats me. The things that just stick in some peoples' heads...
DR. PHLOX
If you don't have any money, I'm sure we can work out a trade!
KARL
We have money, thanks.
DR. PHLOX
Oh. 'Cause, I mean, you know, my meals aren't that expensive, it's not like--
INDY
"you charge an arm and a leg for them?"
DR. PHLOX
You've eaten here before?
INDY rolls his eyes.
INDY
No. You won't be needing the cleaver behind your back.
DR. PHLOX
You sure? I pay top dollar for the good stuff!
Faster than the eye can follow, INDY lashes out with his whip, sending the meat cleaver flying across the diner...
...straight into the head of the Korps Drone who has been spying on the two. The Korps Drone barely notices, intent as he is on scribbling condemning evidence down with one hand and masturbating with the other.
INDY, KARL, and DR. PHLOX stare dumbfoundedly at the sight.
KARL
Umm...
INDY
Eww...
DR. PHLOX
Hey, there's some things even *I* won't eat, er, touch, er, consider...
KARL
You sure?
DR. PHLOX
Well....I suppose if I scrape the fungus off, I could use him in the chili...
INDY
Improvise, adapt, and overcome, that's what I always say, Doctor...
next
[This message was edited by Zixar on February 21, 2003 at 12:10.]
Oh, great, so now you're quoting Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak Ridge! A war movie, wasn't it? Lots of body parts just lying around? Hmmmm, I'm out of here! I've got to get to that movie set!
INDY
Whatever. Karl, just follow my lead.
KARL FOLLOWS INDY TO A TABLE NEAR THE TWO C-I-WAY, WHO THINK THEY ARE CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS HOUSEPLANTS
INDY (seating himself at a table next to the two weg corpse) stage whisper:
Karl, when Kultwelle retires, that's when Clonendale's going to make his move. He's going to push Rozilla Barkingfox out completely. The only way to stop him is for Barkingfox to take control and work him behind the scenes, like a puppet.
KARL
But how can she do that?
INDY
I know he likes messing around with boys. If that got out it would ruin him. But Barkingfox doesn't have the charisma to take over - so they would put someone else in instead, and they'd both be out.
KARL
Clever! So she threatens to expose him, and he agrees to be a puppet. She gets what she wants, he gets to wear purple tights and prance around on stage and make crappy videos, and everyone's happy!
INDY
Exactly!
THE TWO VEG CORPSE LEAVE EXCITEDLY.
INDY
Think it worked?
KARL
I do. That one guy ....ed his pants! How did you know that they both work for Rozilla?
INDY
They smell like cat litter, and they had inkstains on their hands.
KARL
So what happens next?
INDY
We sit back and watch the fireworks, then we sneak in and steal our stuff back.
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GarthP2000
Indiana Jones ... and The Lost Teaching
((running and ducking))
Prophet Emeritus of THE,
and Wandering CyberUU Hippie,
Garth P.
www.gapstudioweb.com
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Zixar
It's The Great Pumpkin, Indiana Jones!
Indiana Jones IV: Die, Korea, Die!
Indiana Jones Gets Hat Cancer
Bring Me The Head Of Indiana Jones
Indiana Jones ....es Off Cthulhu
Indiana Jones vs. Godzilla
Indiana Jones vs. The Tenure Committee
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Steve!
Gee, thanks 6R, now I have to clean coffee off of my monitor! the Great Pumpkin, indeed!
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - oh, wait, that was used already
Note: very obscure joke
Indiana Jones and the Fountain of Living Waters
Indiana Jones Raw is War!
Indiana Jones Crosses the Bridge Into the Promised Land
Indiana Jones IV - the Wrath of Khan
Indiana Jones and God's Spit
6R, I think that perhaps a script would be in order, don't you? After all, those Boobyprize, er, Enterprise scripts you wrote were pretty funny! Perhaps "Indiana Jones and the Evil Cult".
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Zixar
Steve: Well, if you insist... But I really think it should be a joint effort. Everybody takes turns writing a scene.
PARAMOUNT LOGO FADES
EXT. - TRAIN PLATFORM
TITLES OVER "JUBBULPORE, INDIA"
On a crowded train platform, we see DR. VICTOR KULTWELLE, thin, fortyish, conversing with some sort of minor functionary.
INDIAN EXTRA #1
Here's your hat, Dr. Kultwelle. Have a nice trip. Oh, and if I ever see you again, I'll turn your nads into Victor vindaloo.
DR. KULTWELLE
Dat's riiiight!
PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2
Please, sir, will you heal my arm? But, I do not believe in your Jesus.
DR. KULTWELLE
You don't? Why?
PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2
'Cause this is a Spielberg movie, and if Jews aren't being persecuted or disproportionately represented, we're damn sure not going to give any other religion lip service!
DR. KULTWELLE
What about that Holy Grail thing last episode? Never mind...(waves hand around) Abracadabra! You're cured, mate. That'll be 1200 rupees...What's the matter?
PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2
I can't reach my wallet! Now my other arm is paralyzed, too!
DR. KULTWELLE
Hmmm....got a sister?
PATHETIC INDIAN EXTRA #2
Surely you jest, sir. You wouldn't want that on your conscience.
DR. KULTWELLE
Yeah, I wouldn't want your sister on my conscience...not when she ought to be on my FACE! Woof, woof!
Camera pulls back over the shoulder of a rugged man in a fedora. Guess who.
INDIANA JONES
So, Dr. Kultwelle, we meet again...God must hate me.
DR. KULTWELLE
Ah, Jones. Have you come to submit to my awesome pay-wer?
INDIANA JONES
Your what?
DR. KULTWELLE
Pay-wer, PAY-WER! You know, "Pay-wer For Abhorrent Lusting"!
INDIANA JONES
No, I was hoping you could help me with a problem.
DR. KULTWELLE
What problem is that?
INDIANA JONES
This revolver has too many bullets in it.
DR. KULTWELLE
Uh, wouldn't you just rather play a game of basketball instead? I invented the hook shot, you know...
INDIANA JONES
(thinking it over)
Hmmm....naah, basketball's for Nazis. (draws revolver)
DR. KULTWELLE
Wait, WAIT! I can tell you where The Greatest Secret In My Head Today is!
INDIANA JONES
Lemme guess...your head?
DR. KULTWELLE
Yes! I mean, no! I have this Magical Orange Book, that, when truly mastered, can reveal the card you picked was the NINE OF SPADES!
INDIANA JONES
Three of diamonds.
DR. KULTWELLE
That's what I said!
INDIANA JONES
(putting away revolver)
Okay, I won't shoot you...
DR. KULTWELLE
Hah! Praise Me! I knew you would fall before my awesome pay-wer!
INDIANA JONES
No, I think my bullwhip needs a little greasing, instead.
Kultwelle drops the orange book and runs screaming like a girl off the platform.
INDIAN MUCKETY-MUCK
That was the most awesome display of kindness I've yet witnessed. That a hat-wearing man would drive off a lecherous old windbag from all God's people, whether they be Jewish, Hindu, or Christian, that's quite a feat.
Jones looks back at the camera. Spielberg makes a stern "keep it moving" gesture. Jones turns back.
INDIANA JONES
Not a problem. The first six letters of my name are "Indian", you know...
INDIAN MUCKETY-MUCK
Well, that makes no sense whatsoever. Toodles, then!
Jones, not yet knowing he's making the biggest mistake of his life, picks up the Magical Orange Book and steps on the train.
ROLL OPENING TITLE MONTAGE -- "Indiana Jones and The Cult That Snapped"
[scene Two goes here]
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Steve!
INT - COFFEESHOP, NEW KULTVILLE, OHIO
INDIANA JONES
If you ignore the absurd leaps in logic, and if you take Dr. Kultwelle's word for it that there really was a snowstorm in July in the middle of Death Valley, and if you ignore the places where he twists scripture to suit his own ends - then it fits! It really fits! It all hangs together, like a foot in a glove!
WITNESSEE (pretty young thang)
Oh, I don't care about all that! Does this guy have lots of money, and charisma, and power?
INDY
Wait a minute. Don't you care that Dr. Kultwelle spent over 40 years copying the works of other Christian authors? Don't you care that he wrote a book, and that if he could he would die for you?
PYT
As if. Show me the money!
INDY
Hold on a second, toots. In MY movies, *I'M* the one that's supposed to get the girl!
PYT
Oh, is that why you carry that bullwhip around with you?
INDY
We can talk about that later. First I've got to know right now - are you going to take this class on Pay-wer for Abhorrent Living or not?
PYT
Oh, all right, as long as I get to sleep with Dr. Kultwelle! But right now I'm starving! How come our waitress hasn't brought our food yet?
WAITRESS
Hey, Chef, hurry up with those 2 Blue Pate specials. But shouldn't they be called Blue Plate?
DR. PHLOX
No, I can assure you that they should not. And tell that reporter at the counter that the dwindling number of homeless people in this town is purely coincidental with the opening of this restaurant! By the way, when you are finished with your liver, can I have it?
Scene 3 - Interior, H. Old-one's office
UNKY HOWARD the DUCK
Well, Indy, we've taken into account your tremendous skill with ancient languages, and your amazing research talents, and we've decided that the perfect job for you here at the Worldwide International Headquarters of Kultwelle, Incorporated is . . .
INDY
Yes? yes?
HOWARD
Second assistant to the Porta-potty coordinator!
INDY
Honey wagon duty??!? I gave up all of my ancient artifacts, my professorship at Ancient Worlds University, my girlfriend, and my house, to be on honey wagon duty?
Scene 4 goes here
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Mister P-Mosh
A serious prediction.
I have a feeling that it will have something to do with Atlantis.
A humorous idea is:
Indiana Jones and the Scorpion King's Wrath.
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Zixar
EXT. - KULTWELLE HQ - NIGHT
INDY and Completely-Different-PYT sneak off, but are accosted by a BLESPA TROLL, a hideous beast that makes Nazis look cute and fluffy by comparison.
BLESPA TROLL
Halt! Vhere are you goink in ze middle of zee Nacht?
INDY
(sheepish grin)
Oh, you know, out to the Whey Woods, sacrifice a goat to Shub-Nigurath, do a couple of "Iä-Iäs", you know...
C-D-PYT
(starts to cry)
You told me we were going to play "Putting Things Inside Of Other Things"! Waaah!
BLESPA TROLL
Show me your papers!
Indy hands them over, and the troll studies them anally.
BLESPA TROLL
Zese seem to be in order, but do you have any papers to prove zat zese are YOUR papers???
INDY
Yes.
BLESPA TROLL
Really?
INDY
Yes.
BLESPA TROLL
Oh. Right, zen. Off you go!
INDY
Wow! That never works!
BLESPA TROLL
VHAT?
INDY
Oops.
A pointless chase into a pond ensues, for no obvious reason than to get the starlet wet.
[scene the next goeth here]
[This message was edited by Zixar on February 05, 2003 at 13:45.]
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Steve Lortz
I can't wait to see the special effects WETA comes up with for the scene where the BLESPA TROLL inspects Indy's papers anally. They ought to top the fight with the balrog at the beginning of "The Two Towers".
Hold it. That would be Industrial Light & Magic.
Never mind...
Love,
Steve
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Steve!
Scene IV
INT - DER VEG TRAILER #4, HQ GROUNDS
INDY speaking in hushed tones to yet another PYT, now his wife
I'm starting to think that maybe some things around here could use a little bit of changing.
PYT
Oh, really? Such as what?
INDY
Well, you know this 3x3 rule they have - no one shall go anywhere unless your group is a three-some. I think maybe I should be able to go to the bathroom without 2 other people.
PYT
Hmmm. Interesting. So you're saying that HERR DOKTOR KULTWELLE IS WRONG!?? Who the hell are YOU to question leadersh!t? I've had my suspicions about you for some time now, and I can see that I was right!
4 BLESPA TROLLS COME BURSTING THROUGH THE DOOR
BLESPA TROLL #1
Come viss us. You may veel differently after spendink a night in ze cooler. Consider yourzelf to be on Spiritzual Pro-bay-zhun. You must write on ze blackboard 5000 times "I WILL NOT QVESTION DOKTOR KULTWELLE"
INDY
sotto voce
I've got to get out of here!
Scene 5, anyone?
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Zixar
INT. KULTWELLE'S DUNGEON - NIGHT
Indy and another prisoner are chained to a wall. They are being forced to listen to a recording of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Anything But Sold-Out Bondslaves To The Worshipful Doktor" over and over again. Indy is about to go mad...
INDY
Arrrgh...that fiend! Time to get the flock outta Dodge!
PRISONER
What's the plan?
INDY
Well, I could fake being sick, then when the guard rushes in, I bop him on the head and run out.
PRISONER
What?
INDY
It's right here in "The Big George Lucas Standard Book Of Hackneyed Plot Devices, Omnibus Edition"...
PRISONER
Have you noticed that you're chained to the wall?
INDY
Oh. Uhh....okay, I'll challenge him to a pointless fist fight so he'll drop his gun, then push him into an airplane propeller!
PRISONER
Oooooo-kay....and where'd you come up with that one, pray tell?
INDY
I saw it in a movie somewhere...
PRISONER
What, like your first one?
Indy is silent for a beat...
INDY
(softly)
Yes.
BLESPA TROLL GUARD
QVIET in zere, or you will suffer a fate worse than death!
PRISONER
Like what? Crevice inspection on Frau von Rosenbark?
BLESPA TROLL GUARD
SILENCE! And do not even attempt to escape, or you will suffer even worse!
Guard walks away down the hall.
INDY
Oh, swell. A fate WORSE than a fate worse than death...
PRISONER
At least you're not locked up in here with someone who can't make a joke without stealing a line from "Blackadder".
Indy looks around sheepishly.
INDY
I knew I should have gotten a receipt for the Ark of the Covenant...a face-melting artifact would come in really handy right about now.
PRISONER
What, like this?
Prisoner tosses a spray can to Indy. We see the label: CONCENTRATED BREATH OF DARTINMALE--Now With Extra Spit!
INDY
Where were you keeping this?
PRISONER
You don't want to know. Suffice it to say I had to keep it somewhere where it's unique odor would go unnoticed...
Indy drops the can.
INDY
Eww! I could have gone my whole life without knowing that.
PRISONER
I wish you'd hurry up, that stuff's starting to eat through it's own can!
Indy sprays the chains which bubble and scream as if being trapped on a transoceanic flight between a Jehovah's Witness and a life insurance salesman.
INDY
Guard! GUARD!
GUARD
Ja? Vhat do YOU vant, hat-headed fellow?
INDY
To lure you in here so I can spray you with thi...damn!
Prisoner rolls eyes.
Guard sniffs.
GUARD
Hey! Zat smells like mein own mother's cooking!
Indy walks up to the cell door.
INDY
What, this? (sprays guard in face)
GUARD
Jawohl! Aarrgh! (Guard falls to floor)
Prisoner sighs.
INDY
What's your problem? I got him!
PRISONER
And WHICH side of the door is he now on? WITH THE CELL KEYS?
INDY
Sh1t.
[Next!]
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Steve!
INT - INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS SPARKLY THINGY ROOM
INDY
What the f-
ARCHER
We rescued you from the Splintnoid Nebula, what do you say?
INDY
What the f-
ARCHER
That's not how we talk in the 22nd century. What do you say?
INDY
Um, thanks, I guess? But I think I'm in the wrong movie.
ARCHER
You mean you're not a Condractian Elpil?
INDY
NO! Put me back!
ARCHER
If you insist . . .
Incredibly Dangerous Sparkly Thingy emits a shower of sparks, a belch, and then Indy reappears back in the prison.
PRISONER
Where'd YOU go? and why'd you come back?
INDY
Um, skip it. I came back because my family and friends are all in Kultwelle's Kult. I'm Indiana Jones, by the way.
PRISONER
My friends call me Carl but you can call me Karl. I came here to write a book, Der Veg Living on Lust, but they caught me.
INDY
Now what?
KARL
Well, we can use this spare set of keys I have in my pocket . . .
Scene next anyone?
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Zixar
INT. KULTWELLE DUNGEON - A LITTLE LATER
KARL
Try this one.
INDY
I already did, it tastes funny.
KARL
No, you fool! Try this KEY in that LOCK!
The door opens with a clack.
KARL
Are you always this mind-numbingly stupid?
INDY
Not generally...I saved the world from the Nazis three whole times, you see.
KARL
Twice.
INDY
What?
KARL
Twice. The second movie wasn't about any Nazis.
INDY
Why didn't I remember that?
KARL
Well, it's indicative you're suffering from Veg-head.
INDY
What?
KARL
Veg-head, a term coined to describe the replacement of intuituve reasoning with rote memorization of questionable catchphrases.
INDY
Egad! What are the symptoms?
KARL
Well, blind stupidity for one...
INDY
Aha! That lets ME out!
KARL
Oh, you're right, standing around in a cell with an open door arguing over movie trivia was the subject of Einstein's Theory of Brain-Goodage, after all...
INDY
Damn straight! Now, let's lock the door and prepare for a siege!
KARL
(sighs patiently)
Or, we could walk out of here, find Dr. Kultwelle and expose him.
INDY
(gets glazed look on face)
Homosexual innuendo does not compute....Error...Error...Doktor, coordinate!
KARL
I meant "expose his Kult for a sham", not "expose himself."
INDY
Ohhh, riiiight. What did I say?
KARL
Never mind.
DR. KULTWELLE
Not so fast!
The music SWELLS DRAMATICALLY...
INDY/KARL
(in unison)
Consternation! Uproar!
[next!]
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Steve!
I'm in Vancouver, BC, on a rent-a-puter, so I can't post the next installment. Sorry, but someone else will have to fill in for me.
I get home Monday night.
But golly! this is fun!
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Pirate1974
You're all meddling with powers you can't possibly comprehend.
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Steve!
continued . . .
HERR TOCKTOR KULTWELLE
Not so fast!
The music SWELLS DRAMATICALLY...
INDY/KARL
(in unison)
Consternation! Uproar!
INDY
What are you going to do to us? Kill us?
KULTWELLE
You wish! That would be far too easy!
KARL
Then what?
KULTWELLE
Oh, I'm going to do something much much worse! I'm going to have my way with your wives! And then I'm going to KICK YOUR SORRY @SSES OUT of my MIN-USS-TREE. I'm going to shame you, and degrade you, and drag your names through the mud, and accuse you of all sorts of horrible crimes against humanity and Der Veg.
INDY
You don't mean . . .!
KULTWELLE
Yes!!! Mark And AvoidTM!!!
INDY (very pale and shaky now)
Not that! Anything but that! How could you be so inhuman?
KULTWELLE
Oh, ya know, it gets easier as time goes by. And as I get older, I get weepier and weepier - I'll cry a little tear for you after you are out in the streets. A tear from laughing so hard!! Now that you have been out of your field of work for so many years, and all of your wealth is in my pocket - well, in my ashtrays, anyway - and all of your best years are behind you and you can NEVER! hahaha NEVER catch up to where you should be financially - now that you're basically F****D, I've got NO MORE USE for you. That PYT wife of yours, on the other hand . . . SHE'LL make a nice notch on my headboard!
INDY
(retching!)
I've got dirt on others! I can tell you who's a homo! I know who has a pet!
KULTWELLE
You think I don't know all that already? Nothing you say can save your sorry behind now, Mister Indy Anna "I'm not such a bigshot anymore" Jones!
next!
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Steve!
(plaintively)Zix . . .? Pirate . . .?
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Steve!
KULTWELLE
And don't try going to the newspapers, or to any bleevers, or ANYBODY, because they JUST. . .WON'T . . . BELIEVE YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAAAAA! Chips Rear, here, is going to give you each $20 and a U-Haul. You've got 1 hour to get the hell out of Veg World.
INDY
You haven't seen the last of me, Kultwelle!
KULTWELLE
Haaaahahahaha! You think you matter? HA! My bank account matters! The notches on my headboard matter! Hey, where's PYT?
KULTWELLE wanders off
CHIPS REAR
I've got a gun and I know how to use it. Move it on out, now, you SOB's, before I pop you full of lead!
INDY
We'll just see about that.
Later, in Philadelphia . . .
INDY
Why do I feel so awake now? What happened? Where have I been?
KARL
It's the effects of VegWorld wearing off. You haven't had any VegWater or VegVOVBurgers in a while, so the chemicals flush out of your system. Do you know where you are?
INDY
Last thing I remember, I was in Jubbulpore, India, and some guy said "Pay-wer".
KARL
Well, Indy, that was 20 years ago.
INDY
My God! The University? My inheritance? My dog Toto?
KARL
History, my man.
INDY
We've got to come up with a plan. We've got to stop Kultwelle before he ruins more lives! Something's got to be done!
next?
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Steve!
INT, Adolph's Coffee Shop in New Kultwelle, Ohio.
KARL
Do you really think it will work?
INDY
It's got to! It's the only way we'll get our families back.
KARL
But just where the heck are we going to find a live chinchilla, a blue trumpet, a left-handed fork, asparagus flavored edible panties, and an orangutan?
INDY
What? Where the hell did you get THAT list?
KARL
Ooops, hehehe. Nevermind. Pretend you didn't hear all of that. There's NOT going to be a party next Saturday night, and I'm NOT going to it, and there WON'T be all kinds of babes there. Really. So don't go looking for it. Cuz it won't be there.
INDY
I thought you learned your lesson last time. Remember how long it took for your eyebrows to grow back? And I really don't think the cat will ever be the same.
DR. PHLOX
Here are your orders, gentlemen. Huma- er, calve's liver for you, and butt steak for you.
INDY
Ummm, didn't you used to have a cute waitress here?
DR. PHLOX
Ahh, yes, she was rather tasty, wasn't she? er, I mean, attractive. A delicious personality. She's, er, away at a banquet.
INDY
Oh, I see. Thank you. So, Karl, how are we going to find someone that's even worse than Kultwelle?
KARL
I have just the person. Clonendale! His first name is Oy! but everyone calls him Rag. He's already one of Kultwelle's cronies - all we have to do is slip a few subliminal suggestions to Kultwelle, and Clonendale is in!
INDY
How are we going to manage that?
KARL
My ex-wife's third cousin, Rosary Barkingfox. She's in Kultwelle's inner circle, too. We just have to plant some ideas of grandeur in HER head, and the rest will take care of itself!
INDY
I think this could work!
next?
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Zixar
DR. PHLOX
Here's your check, gentlemen...
KARL
(to Indy)
Why does this guy keep showing up?
INDY
Beats me. The things that just stick in some peoples' heads...
DR. PHLOX
If you don't have any money, I'm sure we can work out a trade!
KARL
We have money, thanks.
DR. PHLOX
Oh. 'Cause, I mean, you know, my meals aren't that expensive, it's not like--
INDY
"you charge an arm and a leg for them?"
DR. PHLOX
You've eaten here before?
INDY rolls his eyes.
INDY
No. You won't be needing the cleaver behind your back.
DR. PHLOX
You sure? I pay top dollar for the good stuff!
Faster than the eye can follow, INDY lashes out with his whip, sending the meat cleaver flying across the diner...
...straight into the head of the Korps Drone who has been spying on the two. The Korps Drone barely notices, intent as he is on scribbling condemning evidence down with one hand and masturbating with the other.
INDY, KARL, and DR. PHLOX stare dumbfoundedly at the sight.
KARL
Umm...
INDY
Eww...
DR. PHLOX
Hey, there's some things even *I* won't eat, er, touch, er, consider...
KARL
You sure?
DR. PHLOX
Well....I suppose if I scrape the fungus off, I could use him in the chili...
INDY
Improvise, adapt, and overcome, that's what I always say, Doctor...
next
[This message was edited by Zixar on February 21, 2003 at 12:10.]
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Steve!
DR. PHLOX
Oh, great, so now you're quoting Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak Ridge! A war movie, wasn't it? Lots of body parts just lying around? Hmmmm, I'm out of here! I've got to get to that movie set!
INDY
Whatever. Karl, just follow my lead.
KARL FOLLOWS INDY TO A TABLE NEAR THE TWO C-I-WAY, WHO THINK THEY ARE CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS HOUSEPLANTS
INDY (seating himself at a table next to the two weg corpse) stage whisper:
Karl, when Kultwelle retires, that's when Clonendale's going to make his move. He's going to push Rozilla Barkingfox out completely. The only way to stop him is for Barkingfox to take control and work him behind the scenes, like a puppet.
KARL
But how can she do that?
INDY
I know he likes messing around with boys. If that got out it would ruin him. But Barkingfox doesn't have the charisma to take over - so they would put someone else in instead, and they'd both be out.
KARL
Clever! So she threatens to expose him, and he agrees to be a puppet. She gets what she wants, he gets to wear purple tights and prance around on stage and make crappy videos, and everyone's happy!
INDY
Exactly!
THE TWO VEG CORPSE LEAVE EXCITEDLY.
INDY
Think it worked?
KARL
I do. That one guy ....ed his pants! How did you know that they both work for Rozilla?
INDY
They smell like cat litter, and they had inkstains on their hands.
KARL
So what happens next?
INDY
We sit back and watch the fireworks, then we sneak in and steal our stuff back.
next?
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