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jetc57

Go Ahead Laugh!

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Subject: Speed Limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a

State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a

speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -

two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and

white as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't

understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be

the problem?"

"Ma'am," The officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you

should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be

a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit

exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour" the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to

her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit

embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for

pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am", the officer says, "I have to

ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully

shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off

Route 119."

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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!"

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

_______________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

_______________________________________

A little! old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said:! "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

_______________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

______________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate ! 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

______________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought toherself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to t! he other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shoot, am I driving?"

Edited by jetc57

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Dear Miss Little Jet.

I am enjoying the elderly comedy but wondering where exatly you got it from. I happen to know for a fact that I am older than you and havn't run across such hummor.

I know what it is. Those cold winters up there must age you more rapidly.

O well God Bless Texas and.........what was I saying? aaaaaaaaa O .... a Senior moment.

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I get these from a dear friend of mine in Idaho and she is in her 60s.

When I forget something I like to say "I had a mental Hiccup". :D

In MO I have been getting 'brain freezes' of a different kind. (Not the kind ya get when eating icecream or chompin on ice.)

A Texan Will Age when out of their Climate Zone. I need to get out in the SUN for some FUN.

:lol:

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Subject: Phone Call in Missouri

A man in Denver, CO. decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Green Bay, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor..

Finally, he arrived in Lebanon, MO. Upon entering a church in this Southwest area of MO., behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents. Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call.

Why?" The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in MO. now. This is God's country...it's a local call."

Course all us Texans are laughing our arsses off at this one! :rolleyes: :lol:

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Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill.

God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you."

Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine" said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire".

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says: "That was the screen saver."

:lol:

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These may be for women more than men.

Subject: Little bits of wisdom

Games for when we are older:

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

Signs of menopause:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

Old is when:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the Week:

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ctrl alt delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Just remember ... if the world didn't 'suck', we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But most of all, remember --

A friend is like a good bra: hard to find, supportive, comfortable, and always close to your heart!

:wacko: :wacko: :wacko: :wacko:

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Good one David. "that was the screen saver" ROFLMAO.

Here's one that rated 'G':

Wade the Hunter

Wade had prided himself being able to hunt everything from small game birds to mammoth moose. The one animal he had never in his life hunted, however, was bear. Wade goes to the sportsman's warehouse, peruses the local newsprints and magazines to get a few clever ideas on just how one goes about hunting bear. Well Wade maxes out his visa, mastercard, discover and amex cards to get all outfitted and licensed to hunt bear. Wade goes up into "bear" country and sets up camp. Early the next morning, about 4am, well anyway it was really dark, so wade starts his coffee and breakfast waiting for the break of day. He dresses warm and grabs his rifle with the latest monster scope and heads out. Just as the sun peeks up and signals "time to hunt," Wade spots bear tracks. He follows the bear tracks. All is pretty quiet except for the mossy squish of his foot steps every so often. All at once Wade hears a twig snap from behind him. He turns around and sees a bear racing full speed right at him. Wade raises his rifle up, looks through the scope...and you know how when you look through a scope and it make everything appear real big and up close? Well that's what happened to Wade. That bear looked like it was right on top of Wade when he looked through that scope. Wade was surprised, took a step backward and stumbled. His rifle left his grasp. So wade flailing on his back trying to reach his rifle. Just as Wade gets a handhold, the bear is on top of him. It's a big ole grizzly with 9 inch claws and 5 inch fangs. The bear has one paw in the dead center of Wade's chest, the other paw is raising up high in the air getting ready to take a huge swipe at Wade, growling loudly so that drool is dripping all over Wade's face. Wade trembles and frantically utters a prayer. "Lord, put the fear of God in this bear!" Well, that bear stopped growling and carrying on. Lifts his paw off of Wade's chest. Meets his paw with the other paw and says, "Father we thank you for thy wondrous bounty!"

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Christian One-Liners........

"Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case"

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, But mosquitoes come close.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and Permanently set.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to ...... discourage him.

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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD???

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Darwin #1: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.

Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!

OJ Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

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Top 10 reasons trick-or-treating is better than sex:

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

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It's an Irish thing

Paddy O'Neill was driving down the street in a

sweat because he had an important meeting and

couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take

pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go

to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and

give up whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

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Celebrating Senility:

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. 

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

 

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A cop pulls into a country bar parking lot in Texas just after last call. He sat in his car waiting, and soon an obviously drunken man emerged from the bar.

He stumbled on his feet, dropped his keys twice, tried to fit the keys into 6 diffeent cars, before he finally found the right one, and got in.

By now the cop was watching with real interest. A couple other cars left the parking lot, and the drunk turned on the windshield wipers (it was a perfectly clear, dry night), tried the turn signals, then turned them off.

When 3 or 4 more cars left the lot, the drunk started up his car, moved it forward a couple of feet, then backed it up and turned it off. The cop waited patiently to make his move.

By now the last cars had left the parking lot, and the drunk started up his car and slowly, painfully slowly, put it into gear and started driving out of the parking lot, and onto the road.

Once he reached the road, the cop turned on his flashing lights, pulled out after the drunk and easily got him to stop. He got the drunk out of the car and administered a breath analyzer test. To the amazement of the cop, the test showed no alcohol at all, none whatsoever.

"Come on with me, we are going to headquarters" he told the drunk. "This equipment seems to be broken".

The drunk gave the cop a big Texas grin and said;

"I ain't a'goin anywhere with you. Yer equipment works fine. Ya see ---

I'm the designated decoy!!! :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

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