Free Soul

Yes! Excathedra, I totally get you. That's what it is for me - needing to develop and/or discover that true self, or real me. Like, who would I be if my life and development hadn't been derailed by first a deviant stepfather and then by cult involvement? I don't want to be a naval-gazer. I just want to know what it's like to be authentic rather than a chameleon adapting to everyone & everything around me.

from Blazing Saddles: Sheriff Bart: How does a man drink like that? Man, you are going to DIE! Waco Kid: (wistfully) - When? Another favorite - Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now: I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Smells like ..... victory.

Tonto, ha ha ha - I didn't know I was part of "the other way". As for identities, I'll just say it was a bona fide snake oil salesman & his psycho wife, both prev. Way corpse.

Tarrant & Johnson counties

The air has been let out of their arrogance

Some ladies from Texas may recall a UNIQUE teaching at a women's mtg. in the late 80's when we were told emphatically by the BC's wife that, as women, we sometimes just have to EAT &$*# when it comes to our men. At the time we all nodded & acted like we got it; the gist seemed to be that whatever he dishes out, you take. It stuck in my head bec. the eat &$*# part was repeated SEVERAL times. As it turned out, apparently there was much &$*# to be eaten in THAT marriage. On the one hand, I felt kind of sorry for her, but not too much as she was bloody obnoxious to pretty much everybody. But, that one teaching had an effect on me for years.......

2 scenes come to mind - the first made me think, hmmmmm......, & the second is when I officially flipped the switch to the "off" position. Early on, in '82, a tc in our area loudly told someone in our twig to "renew your f***ing mind" - I was near enough to hear this & was startled that a Christian would talk to someone like that. Being a non-confrontational sort, though, I said nothing. Later, in '83 or '84, we had some WOW's in town staying at our Way home, and I walked in on one of my roomies (male) in bed w/one of the female WOW's. I must have looked shocked, although nothing heavy was happening at that moment; they made light of it & looked at me like I was the unenlightened one. I walked out, & from that point forward never questioned anything again. In retrospect, I see that if a person already has self-worth issues, then it's easy for a corrupt group to elicit one's worst fears of feeling stupid. Now I'm pondering the possibility that all those years of living in a state of cognitive dissonance can actually cause manic/depression, disassociative states, or other mental breakdowns. At the very least, not being able to trust anyone, even yourself. D*mn TWI for screwing with our minds.

Just my two cents worth.... I don't believe for a minute that VP "couldn't stop his behavior" - that would imply trying to stop. Sexual deviancy coupled with massive arrogance and a system that leaves both unchecked and even legitimized is certainly not some poor soul who messed up & struggled to get help. Oh no, it was purposeful, planned, secretive, calculated behavior over a long period of time. Also, I do not believe that VP or LCM were "seeking" & never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. A seeking heart is a humble heart. What they sought was justification to continue what they had already chosen to do. If I had to sum up TWI's legacy in a nutshell, & this is just my opinion, it would be "betrayal of the many by the arrogant few". Which makes them not too different than most politicians; I just expect a higher standard from those who call themselves leaders of God's people. As for whether these leaders are born again Christians or not, well, I'm not even going to go there. None of us are perfect, & none of us knows what is between that person and God. So I won't speculate on their status as Christians. Knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth. I'd rather be around loving people than people who can reel off verses in that mechanical way that discourages true intimate fellowship. I think a lot of the debate that goes on here is due to feelings of anger that are the result of the betrayal. It's hard to deal with all that anger; what does one do with it? Scream into a pillow? Drink? Argue with those who defend the betrayers? All of the above, and more? And then, having to learn to trust again, if indeed that can be done. Some will find that easier to do than others, of course. TWI did not originate my trust issues, but they finished it. That's all.

You folks are amazing. So many good suggestions. Your caring natures come through in your words. And Belle, the cookies look so cute! A couple of those & a hot cup of coffee will warm my heart & my tummy. Thank you all.....

Wow, this is so great - thanks, Belle, for starting this new thread! I appreciate you providing this space to explore the issue. I will look for copies of the books you referenced; I'm a reader anyway & am already familiar with the term "cognitive dissonance", although I haven't thought about it lately. Diazbro mentioned identity, & it occurred to me that my identity probably went underground very early on. Without elaborating, the betrayals came early & continued up through about a year ago. TWI didn't start the damage, or finish it, but they did contribute in 2 very significant ways. One is that I no longer trust "God people" - I keep waiting for the masks to come off & the ugliness to be revealed. Secondly, indirect damage by TWI from people who are or were in & were spouting their poison. I used to wonder how it was that words that came from the mouths of God's people could make me feel so bad? Anyway, because of these things & more I prefer to be by myself. But, I keep getting the nagging notion that I need to go to church somewhere. It's a massive case of the "shoulds". My rational side says it would be nice & maybe even fulfilling, but my non-commital side runs screaming. Yeah, I know what the Bible says about being double-minded, so now I can add "unstable in all my ways" to the mix. Professional psychological assistance is on my list of things to do when I can afford it. In the meantime I read whatever I think might help. No doubt reading the Bible would be the best thing to read, but I can't bring myself to do it. I get angry. Betrayal & anger washes over me like a shower. How can I believe anything that comes out of anyone's mouth? Christ in you. God loves me. It sounds good, & I want to believe it. But I don't trust.

Hi Rascal, thanks for the input! I understand about getting involved in stuff that interests me, I just either can't move forward with it, or I start something & then don't follow through. It's like being terrified of committing to anything. Always with one foot out the door, & if I do say yes to something I then find any way I can to get out of it. But, this thread is not about my neuroses. JKB, thank you for all this info. It has been a lot to absorb. I've been beating myself up for some time for being so stupid as to have been involved in a cult. And there is no doubt in my mind that it was & is a cult. Same for the offshoots, at least the ones I was involved with. But we weren't stupid, just vulnerable in different ways, & twi sought to appeal to whatever our "need" (vulnerable area) was, whether to be loved or to have our ego stroked by being part of such an intellectual ministry, or to be rebellious & unique. Reading this thread has been very painful. I already knew that my thinking had been messed up, but now I see how my mind was literally altered. Does Yeakley's book offer anything in the way of healing methods? Does it tell how to undo the damage?

Hi, jkb - this has been a very interesting thread, & your last post really got to me. I have been wondering, is it possible to return to one's true self? How? And how would you know?