Courtroom Quotations

[dmiller]

* Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"

* Witness: "July 15th."

* Lawyer: "What year?"

* Witness: "Every year."

* Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"*

*Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."

* Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"

* Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."

* Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"

* Witness: "'Winchester'!"

* Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"

* Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

* Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"

* Witness: "Yes."

* Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"

* Witness: "I forget."

* Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

* Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"

* Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

* Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

* Witness: "My name is Susan."

* Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"

* Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

* Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"

* Witness: "After the accident?"

* Lawyer: "Before the accident."

* Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

* Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"

* Witness: "Yes."

* Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"

* Witness: "Yes, sir."

* Lawyer: "What did she say?"

* Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

* Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

* Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

* Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

* Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."

* Witness: "That's me."

* Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

* Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"

* Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."

* Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"

* Witness: "Yes."

* Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

* Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"

* Witness: "Yes."

* Lawyer: "How many were boys?"

* Witness: "None."

* Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

(And finally -------------------- THE 2 WISE GUYS!!)

* Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

* Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[Out There]

Here is a true story, I know because I was the one involved. I had witnessed a shooting and was the only witness. two guys did the crime, one ended up pleading guilty the other went to trial and recv'd life w/o parole. the dialog went like this

Prosecuting attorney (P.A.) You shot the guy

Gang Member (G.B.) no I didn

P.A. Yes you did

G.M. No I didn

P.A. We have a witness

G.M. No you dont

P.A. yes we do

G.M. no you dont

P.A. Yes we do

G.M. Who's your witness? the White guy in the grey car?

P.A. Yes

G.M. oh..

I didn't have to testify in that trial at all, the next one I did. They both got life w.o parole.

[Raf]

"Madam, could you tell us what happened?"

"Yes. I was leaving the store and outside there was this big fight goin on, and people was arguin and yellin and then they pulled out they guns."

"And Ma'am, were you shot in the fracas?"

"No, sir. I was shot between the belly button and the fracas."

***

"Okay, suspect number one, step forward and say 'Gimme all the money, tens and twenties and fifties only.'"

"Umm, Gimme all your tens and your twenties and only fifty."

"Thank you. Number two, step forward and say 'Gimme all the money, tens and twenties and fifties only.'"

"I want all your tens and twenties. And your fifties, too. Now!"

"Thank you. Number three, step forward and say 'Gimme all the money, tens and twenties and fifties only.'"

"But that's not what I said."