brainfixed

looks one cult trying to eat up on another cult's "tithes". http://www.netzarim....hp/Nazarene.net http://www.lebtahor..../jamestrimm.htm how is someone alerted to this kind of information in the first place?

we knew we were always close to death if we "walked with the adversary" and "disobeyed". our "believing" was "tested" with stunts like holding our heads in the toilet to see if we'd fight or trust our parents "in the lord" to let us up before we died. i don't like talking about this because it's hard to breathe but sometimes i think that people don't get it how bad things were for some of us kids. there were parents that came to the way as alcoholics, druggies, mentally ill "out patients" and even the undiagnosed mentally ill, and all sorts of problems and the way handed these parents a weapon and permission to use it whenever they saw "devil spirits" roaming around and then told these same parents that the "devil spirits" were probably in or because of their children. it is not a big jump from a wooden spoon to a belt to a 2x4 to choking to holding a head in a toilet to holding pillows over the head to shut up crying children to sexual abuse to throwing kids up against a wall and punching them in the face and scalding them with boiling water. and all of it "justified" with "the word". and don't give me that "we knew we weren't under the law" bs because the old testament was always always always "for our learning" and boy oh boy did some of these parents learn a thing or two! and if we weren't under the law why were we required to tithe???? it was all a bunch of bs and the more sense anybody tries to make of it all the more insane it gets. not one escaped that insanity. if anybody thinks they did, they lie to themselves. maybe most people didn't get the insanity to the degree some of us did, but it's already been pointed out that if anybody stood by silently while an injustice was occurring then the insanity was a part of that somebody's life like it or not. and today i have two specific diseases because of the physical abuse i was subjected to and there is nothing that can be done for either one of them except to give me more and more pain medication and monthly shots. as i get older i will more than likely end up in a wheel chair. i also will not be able to have children because of the sexual abuse. getting out of the way didn't stop the way's curses in my life.

thanks everybody for your kindness and care and concern. i'm working through things and being here is a big part of that working through it all. i didn't say it straight out because the emotion of it all spilled over, but what i was trynig to say is that the make believe "adversary" that twi was always telling us was out to get us was nothing but smoke and mirrors to keep us from looking at the reality of twi and what it was doing to destroy our lives.

exactly. it's been pretty well established here by first hand testimony that abusing the wife was not just s.o.p. with twi but was expected as a show of great mogfartiness, and from what i've read here that started long before craig was anything "important". i remember a part in pfal when vp was talking about his wife having a baby and he said he didn't care about the "cow" but just wanted to see the "calf" and i've heard that used on not only my mother but my sisters by their twi boyfriends and spouses, and my brother used it on his wife too. to me this shows an institutionalized expectation of abusing your wife. and always what can be seen is only the tip of the iceberg and what is happening behind closed doors you can bet is criminal and punishable by prison. add to that all the first hand testimony to vp's sexual perversions that made him a sexual predator that led twi to protect sexual predators, and add to all of that the probability that mrs vp was having her children held as hostages and used against her with threats of harm to them if she didn't "fly right", well being mrs vp was no picnic and was more like being a p.o.w. does that excuse her behavior? there's no excuse, but it certainly shows the absolute and complete insanity of it all. there was not one whit of "sound mind" so how can anybody try to comprehend it via sound thinking? there's just no comprehending it except to say "that was total insanity and i'm glad i got out of it all". for mrs vp she most certainly suffered with some form of severe anxiety and depression to say the least. i would bet she also suffered from battered wife's syndrome which is very much like stockholm syndrome. it's all still mental illness and so the question to me is can the mentally ill be held responsible for what they do? the answer to that can't be figured out even by the professionals so far be it for me to try and figure it out.

i keep reading about how many people were told they would be "greasespots by midnight" if they left twi and i keep thinking about how many times i was told "the word" gave parents and husbands the "right" to kill "disobedient" children and wives and i know that taking my chances of being killed by the "adversary" was less dangerous than staying in twi and being killed because of that insanity. there are many kinds of real death and one is that instant death that everybody is afraid of but another is a slow death that kills the soul first and leaves the body with chronic problems that erode the strength and the life. getting beaten all the time may not have killed me but it caused chronic problems that will kill me so what does it matter when i die if i die because of the beatings? when i die it won't be because i left twi and became a "greasespot" because the "adversary" got me, but because i couldn't get out soon enough and twi insanity got me.

i hope she'll be getting this kind of encouragement in school because she wants to be an architect, which is something she said when she got the book and wondered how it was going to help her and i told her that just learning the discipline will help a whole lot but she's 14 and knows eveything. lol.

i don't talk with her much and keep up with her mainly through email and her online spaces so i try to keep my suggestions hidden in little snippets of "idk" and other stuff she can relate to, and she has troubles in her life so i don't think keeping track of library books would be something she could do right now but that is a great way to enjoy all the knowledge available without going broke. also she lives in a very small town and the "library" is in the back of the coffee shop and is mostly a "sharebrary" between the locals which means most of the choices are paperback romances or cowboy tales with quite a few incomplete and outdated encyclopedia sets. amazon put the blame on the seller and the seller pointed out that amazon promised me the original "expedited" date but the tos stipulate that "expedited" is up to 14 days so i learned something and now i know and now i won't pay for "expedited" again. but even with the extra charge i think i got a deal.

bringing in their prey is a sign that you've established a "pride" and yourself as leader and they are doing what they instinctually do and that is bring all prey to the leader. the only way to stop them from bringing the prey indoors to your "den" will be to establish a different "den" location or different leader. the first would have you living outdoors and the second would have them ignoring you in just about every way except to fight you over food if they feel you have fallen below them in order of significance, and since you don't hunt then your only hope would be to feed them outside or to not let them inside at all. they seem to be "playing" to us when they are chasing after bugs and things but the hunt for them is for food and food is for survival and that throws back to their natural state which is living in a pride and respecting the authority of that pride. throwing the prey outside is a sign to them that you have had all you want and they are now allowed to have the rest. if you just scoop it up and throw it away you will make them trash kitties because then they will think that is where you the leader want them to eat their prey and they will go after it in the trash so don't get that started unless you want to have to hide all your trash containers where they can't get to them, but if you do that then they will smell it and scratch and claw and rowrl and whatever until you let them have their share. really this is a good thing because you have established that you are the one to listen to and respect so training them from here on out should go quickly and you'll have alot more fun with them if you remember you're the leader.

she got it but not expedited and i said something to amazon and we'll see where that goes, but she's enjoying the book and is learning alot so thank you.

am i too stupid to know i should take offense instead of lmao? that was too funny!

for a couple of days or so i was at the hospital bedside of a little girl with her family and nobody knew what was wrong with her but she was so sick and so scared and her fever was high and she was dehydrated and she had a rash on the lower half of her body even on the bottom of her little feet and in my heart i cried out that if there is such thing as prayer and if there is anybody or anything listening that cares then this is my prayer for this little girl and that's all i thought and then i breathed a deep sigh and just held her little hand while she was sleeping. she isn't really much more than a baby even and she's so tiny but she's out of the hospital now and they never did find anything wrong with her and said it must just have been a "little viral infection". do i think that my "prayer" or anybody else's "prayers" helped? i'm sure they helped each person to stay as calm as possible for the little girl but i don't think the "prayers" did anything for the little girl. i think that what helped the little girl more than anything was getting the rest and fluids and nutrition and medicine and comfort she needed. i think that if there are "miracles" of healing then even the bible exhibits that they are accomplished by one person giving of their strength to another and i think that's what happened in this case and in many other cases i've been involved with. is that faith? probably so because i "know" and have "evidence" that a human being given everything it needs to survive except skin to skin human to human affectionate touch with fail to thrive and eventually die. but i didn't believe that information just because somebody told me it was so. but there are some things i can't "prove" like the moon landing or the pictures from space or even electricity but i think they're real so maybe that's faith too. i'm glad there's more discussion about people's faith now because now i am beginning to get it a little bit and before i was thinking like wtf? how come people who have been fooled at least once keep letting themselves get fooled again and again? but now i am beginning to see that there's a lot more thought going into people's faith than often meets the eye so thank you for taking the time to share these things with me and help me to see that religious faith doesn't have to be victim mentality.

i wasn't alive yet. it's hard for me to imagine.

having "proof" seems like it's no longer "faith" from the common understanding of that word when it comes to religion. but when it comes to every day things i see "faith" as something more akin to "trust" and that is something that is earned from a proven track record or not earned from a proven track record. what i don't understand is why that would change to accommodate religion?

i hope nobody thinks i'm out just to pick a fight or something because what i'm out to do is to really question what is faith and what makes something "the word of god" over something else and why people believe something is "holy" over something else. i honestly don't get it and i don't know if i want to get it or not but it's something i've wanted to talk about for a long time but most religious people can't tolerate deep questioning of their beliefs.

alot of my initial time with my current therapist was spent wondering why i did what i did as an adult after having grown up the way i did and i felt i should have known better than to be taken in by yet another con man over and over again in relationships and wasting so much of my precious time and so much of my energy and doing such stupid and sometimes rude and even mean things and being not a person i liked very much. it took me awhile to understand that my choices and my actions were to be expected given the environments i had been in. most people live in a bubble of their own world and they think and live in that bubble without perceiving much outside of that bubble. it's really quite "normal" and it's what keeps most people "sane" in their own minds and it explains alot about how people can watch someone being robbed or something and just watch without doing anything and without it we'd all be bleeding hearts on street corners giving everything we had to every cause under the sun and freaking out over every newscast we heard or saw. but it also trains our thinking patterns and our decision making processes and if that bubble is part and parcel of an abusive system then we take on those thinking patterns and those decision making processes even if we think we know better or think we should have known better. i used to hate myself so much because when men i was in relationships with got violent with me i got violent back and i couldn't understand what made me any different from them until my current therapist showed me that there's a huge difference between defending myself and being a violent person and a huge difference between surviving an insane situation and being an insane person and a huge difference between making bad judgements and making the judgements that i felt were the only ones that would help me survive in the moment.

cosmically speaking none of this exists.

it took me a long time to be able to even hear the words "look for the good" or "keep the good" or "surely some good happened so remember those good times" as geisha and a couple of others can tell you that even now i have a hard time with these words but how i look at things now is that the good was in me. my current therapist spent many months helping walk through situations and decipher what i was thinking and feeling and knowing what was right from wrong versus what others were putting out and were doing that was pure bs. when people have been abused for a long time their own inner voice cannot be heard by themselves except for the pain cries and fear screams. that's probably what's happening with this person and i'll bet if she can get with a good therapist that will help her find that voice of hers that was silenced so viciously when she knew that something was wrong and she knew she needed to be taken care of then she could probably also get the kind of therapy that helps a person nurture themselves into wholeness. that's the stage i am in now and it is really cool and i'm learning so much and i'm changing so much and i feel like i'm finally becoming a woman and becoming the woman i always wanted to be. but if all that is coming out of a person's mouth is "whining" and "complaining" about abuse then most likely that's coming from deep unvoiced pain.

this is a discussion stemming from the gift ministries discussion that i started to get off topic so i'm starting a new discussion here. this was my last post from that discussion:

i have learned to look at things from the perspective of "every day life" to help me keep my wits about me and not be carried away by wanting things so much that i don't see the reality of things but only see what i want to see in things so i apply that alot to alot of subjects and religion is one of those subjects. it was brought up about osama and that's a good example because it's a "today" thing and it's easily understood in "today's" world. in that perspective i bring up the elvis sightings. how many people have seen the "risen" elvis who also saw the living elvis? how many people believe that elvis has risen because of the testimony of those many that have seen the "risen" elvis? and what court of law would accept anybody's "testimony" that the "risen" elvis left "instructions" and his lyrics to the "authority" to someone that had hated elvis, killed elvis fans and stood and held the clothes of a famous fan while that fan was beaten to death but one day on the way to killng more fans the "risen" elvis "visited" him and he "changed" dramatically? it makes no sense and nobody here would buy it for a second. i started a new discussion so as to not take this one off track. sorry.

why hasn't apostolic authority come through? what paul "saw" was really hallucination and anybody today could claim the same. i have never understood how paul squirmed in there when the lot fell on matthias.

tagalong i was not "nice" to you but i am not a particularly "nice" person. i used to be but all that got me was victimized because i was so worried about being "nice" and "not offending" that i let myself get screwed over time and again. you came on "boldly" and spoke your mind and so did i. you judged harshly and so did i. you spoke your beliefs and i pointed you to your own standards. outside of that false and imaginary "household hedge of protection" where everybody agrees and nobody questions one another much less authority that's the way people are with one another. it's not a big deal and it's certainly not something to hide from because it's a sign of maturity and knowing your own self worth to be able to be questioned and disagreed with. i'm not so good at this type of communication yet but i'm better now than i was at first and i'll get better and better the more i do it. and i don't feel as attacked as when i first got here either and i also recognize that at least half of that feeling attacked was what i was bringing to the table from my own baggage. this is not a place to expect agreement and "bless you" until the cows come home but it is a place where you will find out more about yourself and your experiences than you would have ever believed and you will value the experience if you give it a chance.

that's weird isn't it? i thought that maybe if it was because it was through the way maybe the way's records were so bad that they only had the policy number or something.

my eyes aren't yet focussed enough this morning to read this whole thread so i don't know if it's been said yet but scaredy cats or any scaredy pet cannot be looked at directly at first because they see it as a challenge, which it kind of is in a mild kind of way, but it sounds like you're making great progress so keep up the good work and they will keep training you until you get it right to their complete satisfaction. :)

were you insured by the way or something?

i don't get why a god that supposedly created the heavens and the earth and us now can't do anything without us unless it's not the god that needs our hands but some "leader" that doesn't want to get their hands dirty.