possibly helpful touchstones for the art of being genuine friends

[sirguessalot]

as requested/suggested during today's radio cast...

from the work of Parker Palmer...based on the Quaker community oral traditions...

+ Extend and receive welcome. People learn best in hospitable spaces. In this circle we support each other's learning by giving and receiving hospitality.

+ Be present as fully as possible. Be here with your doubts, fears and failings as well as your convictions, joys and successes, your listening as well as your speaking.

+ What is offered in the circle is by invitation, not demand. This is not a "share or die" event. During this retreat, do whatever your soul calls for, and know that you do it with our support. Your soul knows your needs better than we do.

+ Speak your truths in ways that respect other people's truths. Our views of reality may differ, but speaking one's truth in a circle of trust does not mean interpreting, correcting, or debating what others say. Speak from your center to the center of the circle, using "I" statements, trusting other people to do their own sifting and winoowing.

+ No fixing, no saving, no advising, and no setting each other straight. This is one of the hardest guidelines for those of us in the "helping professions." But it is vital to welcoming the soul, to making space for the inner teacher.

+ Learn to respond to others with honest, open questions instead of counsel, corrections, etc. With such questions, we help "hear each other into deeper speech."

+ When the going gets rough, turn to wonder. If you feel judgemental, or defensive, ask yourself, "I wonder what brought her to this belief?" "I wonder what he's feeling right now?" "I wonder what my reaction teaches me about myself?" Set aside judgement to listen to others--and to yourself--more deeply.

+ Attend to your own inner teacher. We learn from others, of course. But as we explore poems, stories, questions and silence in a circle of trust, we have a special opportunity to learn from within. So pay close attention to your own reactions and responses, to your most important teacher.

+ Trust and learn from the silence. Silence is a gift in our noisy world, and a way of knowing in itself. Treat silence as a member of the group. After someone has spoken, take time to reflect without immediately filling the space with words.

+ Observe deep confidentiality. Nothing said in a circle of trust will ever be repeated to other people.

+ Know that it's possible to leave the circle with whatever it was you needed when you arrived, and that the seeds planted here can keep growing in the days ahead.

Guidelines for Asking Honest, Open Questions…

…in support of the rule “no fixing, no saving, no advising, no setting each other straight”—and in support of our intention to help each other listen for inner truth…

• An honest, open question is one you cannot possibly ask while thinking, “I know the right answer to this and I sure hope you give it to me…” Thus, “Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist?” is not an honest, open question! But “What did you learn from the experience you just told us about?” is.

• Try not to get ahead of the focus person’s language with your questions. “What did you mean when you said you felt sad?” is an honest, open question. “Didn’t you also feel angry?” is not.

• Ask questions that are brief and to the point rather than larding them with rationales and background materials that allow you to insert your own opinions or advice.

• Ask questions that go to the person as well as the problem, questions about the inner realities of the situation as well as the outward facts.

• Ask questions aimed at helping the focus person explore his or concern rather than satisfying your own curiosity.

• If you have an intuition that a certain question might be useful, even if it seems a bit “off the wall,” trust it—once you are reasonably certain that it is an honest, open question. E.g., “What color is this issue for you, and why?”

• If you aren’t sure about a particular question, sit with it for a while and wait for clarity.

• As a group, watch the pacing of the questions, allowing some silence between the last answer and the next question. Questions that come too fast may feel aggressive, cutting off the deep reflection that can help the focus person.

• If you have asked one question and heard an answer, you may feel a need to ask a follow-up question. But if you find yourself about to ask the third question in a row before anyone else has had a chance to ask one, don’t!

• Avoid questions with yes-no or right-wrong answers. At the same time, remember that the best questions are often simple and straightforward.

not sure how such things might be applied in the hypertextual conversations of the GSC

but i am sure yall are creative enough to find ways to make use of them

space and grace...

+ODD

Edited August 6, 2007 by sirguessalot

[dmiller]

:eusa_clap:

[Suda]

Grand information, thanks! Looking forward to listening to today's podcast. Had guests arrive right after I tuned in, so missed 99% of it.

Suda

[excathedra]

thank you, t.

and paw

[waterbuffalo]

thank you, t.

and paw

Great information, sirguessalot!

This is why it's so hard to be friends with lots of ex-ways. For some reason, many still continue the "spiritual hierarchy" in their minds in every relationship. Too bad for them. Friends are important to have.

[RainbowsGirl]

Great information, sirguessalot!

This is why it's so hard to be friends with lots of ex-ways. For some reason, many still continue the "spiritual hierarchy" in their minds in every relationship. Too bad for them. Friends are important to have.

I agree with your point WB! and Thank You Todd I always enjoy your input and the pod casts you have shared your heart, knowledge and wisdom on! It would change a lot if we used these touchstones; perhaps then we could see each other's heart more truly!

[Eyesopen]

+ Speak your truths in ways that respect other people's truths. Our views of reality may differ, but speaking one's truth in a circle of trust does not mean interpreting, correcting, or debating what others say. Speak from your center to the center of the circle, using "I" statements, trusting other people to do their own sifting and winoowing.

+ When the going gets rough, turn to wonder. If you feel judgemental, or defensive, ask yourself, "I wonder what brought her to this belief?" "I wonder what he's feeling right now?" "I wonder what my reaction teaches me about myself?" Set aside judgement to listen to others--and to yourself--more deeply.

not sure how such things might be applied in the hypertextual conversations of the GSC

but i am sure yall are creative enough to find ways to make use of them

Todd I really did enjoy the podcast yesterday. My silence should be taken as contemplation of the words and heart being spoken and not of disinterest. These two specific points hit home for me particularly.

In the past I have been known to turn to the left side of my brain to analyze (not feel) what another person is saying and that had left me in a pickle at times. More recently I have had an instance where another person, a friend of mine flat refused to see my side or my truth. But considering how in the past that I have failed to see someone elses truth I can hardly blame my friend. It is hard to see another persons truth when you have already decided that yours is the only truth.

On the second point I have in the past immediately jumped to conclusions when I read a post or heard a statement spoken. I have for many years tried to consider the other persons words and where they are speaking from before I answer. This often leaves long gaps of silence which few people respect. But I would rather be seen as weak or undecided than judgemental.

Everyone has the right to be heard and listened to, I may not agree with what you say, but I will listen to you. I am still assimilating the remainder of your list, but all in all I think that I will find it most helpful to me in many areas of my life.

Great stuff Todd!

Thank you as well Paw!

[sirguessalot]

thanks for the feedback...you guys are kind

ok, sticking my neck out a bit...

i've been wondering....would anyone be interested in participating in a podcast series that i am thinking about starting this winter?

a few details...

- ive been learning a lot in recent years...and i need to 'release' or im surely going to melt

- it would be independent of the regular GS radio and perhaps parallel to an ex-way blog group

- i am trying to get away from writing until i can afford to sit and write well...so i want to practice speaking

- i would like to experiment with a variety of dialogue styles and formats i have been studying and practicing

- i would post a list of topics i am becoming fluent in for people to ask from (sexuality, the arts, religions, dying, etc...)

- i find that i respond well to open, honest Q&A ...in fact, i have come to prefer it over trying to compose 'outta the blue'

- i would like to keep the invitations somewhat cozy and somewhat limited to GS members

- this is a project with a limited scope...it is meant to come to a natural end

- i cannot do this alone...i will need a bit of help for some of the elements

- i am not making any claims of supernatural elitism or anything like that

- it does not always need to be recorded for the public

- i would like to be as transparent as possible

- and all the other details i surely missed...

feel free to inquire

Todd

..a 27th way corps drop-out

[doojable]

thanks for the feedback...you guys are kind

ok, sticking my neck out a bit...

i've been wondering....would anyone be interested in participating in a podcast series that i am thinking about starting this winter?

a few details...

- ive been learning a lot in recent years...and i need to 'release' or im surely going to melt

- it would be independent of the regular GS radio and perhaps parallel to an ex-way blog group

- i am trying to get away from writing until i can afford to sit and write well...so i want to practice speaking

- i would like to experiment with a variety of dialogue styles and formats i have been studying and practicing

- i would post a list of topics i am becoming fluent in for people to ask from (sexuality, the arts, religions, dying, etc...)

- i find that i respond well to open, honest Q&A ...in fact, i have come to prefer it over trying to compose 'outta the blue'

- i would like to keep the invitations somewhat cozy and somewhat limited to GS members

- this is a project with a limited scope...it is meant to come to a natural end

- i cannot do this alone...i will need a bit of help for some of the elements

- i am not making any claims of supernatural elitism or anything like that

- it does not always need to be recorded for the public

- i would like to be as transparent as possible

- and all the other details i surely missed...

feel free to inquire

Todd

..a 27th way corps drop-out

PM me and let's see if I have anything to offer.

[Eyesopen]

thanks for the feedback...you guys are kind

ok, sticking my neck out a bit...

i've been wondering....would anyone be interested in participating in a podcast series that i am thinking about starting this winter?

I would be interested in participating in this.

[Lizzy]

Thank you!

[Suda]

Sounds interesting. Keep me posted, please, if you think I'd be of benefit to your endeavor.

Suda

[RainbowsGirl]

thank You Todd,

I would like to participate as well if there is room and I would fit in. Please, let me know.