Just another day

[Belle]

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance. "

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, know ing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat -- because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a firehose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

. . .This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door.

[Tom Strange]

Why is the toilet seat in a "Women's" restroom wet?

(ya can't blame that on us!)

Seems like you women need to help each other out in the cleanliness and etiquette departments...

You don't see these kind of things happening in a "Men's" restroom...

:biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh: :biglaugh:

I'm always surprised at the horror stories I hear about women's restrooms... but I really shouldn't be, when I bartended we used to flip a coin to see who would clean "their" restroom... loser lost (really lost)!

[dmiller]

The line wouldn't be so long, if you didn't go in packs!!

[CoolWaters]

Gawd! Men are the worst *it*hes!

:blink:

Um...Tom...have you any clue what "The Stance" is?

David...oh...nevermind...

:ph34r:

[Tom Strange]

Gee... is that ALL I get... just one response? ...tsk tsk... I expected so many more!

Yes CW... I know what "the stance" is... I'm wondering WHY you ladies have to "assume the position" is all! Like I said, it would seem that you ladies need to practice a little "iron sharpeneth iron" in the cleanliness and etiquette department... and again I ask:

Why is the "Ladies Room" such a mess in the first place? I would assume that they don't pee on their toilet seats at home, that they don't have to squat over the toilet seat at home and that EVERYTHING gets blamed on 'the guy" at home...

I really do seriously wonder how the toilet seats in women's restrooms get pee on them... are there guys sneaking in there after the cleaning crews and peeing on them? or is each stall visited by a woman who just can't hold her bladder any longer and sprays all over the seat on her way down? I really do wonder (although my tongue is firmly in cheek, not that cheek)...

OK now... bring it on...

[Abigail]

The reason, Tom, is that when at home we actually SIT on the seat. However, when in public, we do not wish to put our naked behinds down on a seat that has had countless other naked behinds placed on it. Behinds that may have been sweaty, behinds that may have had pimples or bleeding sores (vivid enough for ya? HA).

So, we "assume the stance". However, unlike men, we women cannot aim when we assume the stance, which means we may miss a bit and pee on the seat a bit. Which is yet another reason why a women won't sit on the seat - because what if the woman before her assumed the stance and missed?

Likewise, you men don't use toilet paper when you pee, so there is usually plenty of TP in the men's dispenser. However, it is impossible to clean up a miss if there isn't any toilet paper in the dispenser to clean it up with.

Finally, should you attempt to clean up the pee with that cheap, non absorbent stuff they put in public restrooms, odds are your fingers are going to end up wet. And what if that miss wasn't yours but actually belonged to the person who was in there before you??????????

:( :blink:

[Tom Strange]

well... that makes a little more sense Abi... but you guys can start it and stop it when you want to can't you? why wouldn't you just not do it until you found a clean restroom? you guys still need to work on your aim!

That reminds me of a joke:

One winter, while Clinton was still in office, one of the WH guards came to him in the Oval office and informed him of some disturbing news... someone had peed in the snow and written out "Bill Sucks"... so Clinton tells the guard to take him to the spot. The guard takes him out to the back lawn and there, just outside the dining room window there it is! Plain as day and clearly visible in yellow writing are the words "Bill Sucks"... Clinton is outraged! He throws a fit and starts kicking the snow so that it is no longer legible. The guard, ever diligent, asks if he wants him to collect a sample so that the urine can be tested.... Irately, Clinton snarls back "URINE SAMPLE!?! I don't want any urine sample, that's Hillary's handwriting!!!"

...or something like that...

[Kit Sober]

I now carry a handy little plastic bag with toilet seat covers and wipes. Have used it, too.

Also an instant toilet seat cover may be simply made with 9 squares of tp, three each way.

[Amazingrace]

Yes, I too carry covers in my wallet. They are proven effective in forming a barrier against germs on a DRY seat.

Toilet paper can serve as a seat cover but, technically, it is not very effective for keeping germs at bay.

I'd love to say I never tested this theory but I'd be lying. Please don't ask!

Tom, "stop and start" when we want to? I'd say that depends on a few factors. Anyway, that's not what I hear from my geriatric female friends.

I'm thankful I don't have that awful wobble anymore thanks to daily running. If someone would have told me it would take the wobble away, I would have started running years ago.

Belle, your mamma taught you right. Mine was from a different school but I still learned well from her. Seems she took home some nasty critters after sitting on a public toilet seat in New Orleans (she was visiting me during WOW year). Some people have to learn the hard way.

I agree. Us gals have it tough when it comes to public "restrooms".

[dmiller]

CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency,was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,

but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas,

and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it > >>>with gas,

and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

[Belle]

[Shellon]

So strange man, what did you DO when you had to clean the chicks potty?

I need a visual here

Did you have to wipe the seaty sweety or did you also have to clean out the tampon throw away box?

Edited August 6, 2006 by Shellon Fockler-North

[Tom Strange]

I've tried to block all of those memories from my mind Shel.. I do remember wishing that I could just throw a bucket of bleach in there and use a fire hose though...

...I still say that you guys should better "police" each other... and if nobody pees on the seat it won't be messy...