Hell for a MOG

[Ham]

Internal memo:

What to do/not to do when the MOG comes to your area.

1. When he arrives at the airport, resoundly slap him on the right cheek with your LEFT hand.

2. If it is morning, make sure you have TWO quarts of hot beer, for his breakfast.

3. On the way to his lodging at Motel 6, make sure the windows in your 1972 Lincoln are firmly and irrevokably rolled up. Smoke one of the biggest, cheapest cigars that you can possibly find, only after he consumes the two quarts of hot beer (see number 2).

4. Make sure you choose the proper spiritual setting for his presentation. A shared facility with a psychic fair, and Rainbow Coalition convention in ajoining rooms would be preferable.

5. In the podium, make sure that there are EXACTLY five rabbit turds for his greatness, cut PRECISELY in half, in a small, crystal bowl, along with a glass of salt water with which to choke them down.

6. The MOG delights in music. A good selection would be Stairway to Heaven or maybe even some good Jazz.

7. When he is praying, do not neglect to have at least a half a dozen or so of the followers, whispering, in a low tone.

8. When introducing said MOG, avoid using terms such as "Doctor", "Reverand", "His Eminence", or even "Mr."

Remember that this protocol is the highest form of preparation, and preparation is the highest form of believing, and it MUST be observed!

[A la prochaine]

quote:

Stairway to Heaven or maybe even some good Jazz.

Oh, my...don't waste such precious music on them.

I would suggest some Lawrence Welk or their own Singing Ladies of the Way.

[Ham]

Well.. but for a meeting, it would be priceless..

[Ham]

At the question and answer period, someone could ask what the true meaning is of "to be a rock and not to roll".

[A la prochaine]

Mr. Hammie,

'Tis true. It would be priceless.

Maybe some "Grunge" music might be appropriate!

[Jim]

quote:

6. The MOG delights in music. A good selection would be Stairway to Heaven or maybe even some good Jazz.

We prefer "Hotel California" out here on the left coast.

[Catcup]

Singing Ladies?

Nah, pick up a quartet of the best women Chicago has to offer from out on Western Avenue at about 3 a.m.

[Steve!]

quote:

Originally posted by Catcup:

Singing Ladies?

Nah, pick up a quartet of the best women Chicago has to offer from out on Western Avenue at about 3 a.m.

But those women don't sing, do they?

Oh, but they would take better care of the mog, wouldn't they?

[A la prochaine]

Addendum to the internal memo:

9. Special 'brownies' ;)--> and an array of alcoholic beverages (40%) must be served after the meeting to the public so that the people can finally have a good time. (snacks and drinks are prohibited to be served to the leader). He must be sent directly back to his skanky motel room where a black and white fuzzy reception television awaits him and yellowed sheets.

[Ham]

quote:

But those women don't sing, do they?

Can't sing, perhaps. Don't sing may be a different animal altogether.

[Ham]

Ah yes, number ten..

10. All sling along der vey songs shall be played in a minor chord..

[A la prochaine]

MR. HAMMIE,

"10. All sling along der vey songs shall be played in a minor chord.."

YOU GAVE ME ONE BIG CHUCKLE! :D-->

THANKS!!

[Ham]

Thanks, Ala, heh heh. Well, you mentioned this on another thread, and it obviously seemed to belong here..

[houseisarockin]

quote:

Originally posted by Mr. Hammeroni:

At the question and answer period, someone could ask what the true meaning is of "to be a rock and not to roll".

Do you want that to include the literal according to usage?

Ouch! That makes my brain hurt!

[ToadFriend]

...and all the Way songs (sung in a minor chord) have to be sung to a DIFFERENT TUNE than the ones they originally were written with ... followed by a sharing of someone talking about how "lucky" they were to have solved a "problem" in their lives.

Worst of all, they would have to eat their mints whole (GASP! HORRORS!).

TF

[A la prochaine]

12. Make sure that every person in the audience closes their bibles before the teacher has ended his 'speech'.

[Ham]

13. There shall be NO ushers. People will sit where they damn well please, and not be herded like cattle all the way up to the front row.

14. Chiming watches and cell phones MUST be turned on.

[Ham]

15. The MOG's cup shall be filled with PRECISELY three and a half cubes of ice, which MUST be made with "yellow water".

[Steve!]

16. Questioning of the sMOG during the middle of the teaching will be highly encouraged, and interrupting the answer with some half-baked additional question is even better.

[Belle]

17. Snapping of the rings in binders shall be allowed and encouraged at any time during the service.

18. The bathrooms shall all have hair on the floor/counters, bad aim residue around the toilet, scrunge on the tile and toothpaste spittle on the mirrors. (MOG can clean with his own hands with his own purchased supplies if he so desires)

19. The temperature shall not be cryogenic during the teaching, but rather a comfortable temperature thereby allowing people to fall asleep if they so choose or just can't help it.

20. Screaming, talking, crying, giggling kids shall NOT be silenced.

[Steve!]

21. Snacking during the teaching shall be required.

[Jim]

22. Questions shall be allowed from the floor. Specifically, any dubious claim or reference by the MOG/WOG may be challenged with the cry of "GOT A CITE?" The MOG/WOG may be pelted with spitballs made from sylibus pages for failure to produce a timely and convincing cite.

Two failures to cite will be rewarded with the chant "LIER, LIER, PANTS ON FIRE". Three or more failures to cite will result in the MOG/WOG's pants being set on fire.

Edited August 4, 2005 by jim

[Ham]

I think you guys are outdoing me, heh heh.

Jim, good point, except I perhaps would substitute "very ripe tomatoes" for "spitballs made from sylabus pages".

[outintexas]

23. Arrive at the meeting 10 minutes LATE.

[Ham]

23a. And blue jeans and T shirt are required.