Sudo

Happy Birthday Pirate!! And here's wishing you many more!! sudo

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "Because he's such a #$@*%#&* liar." sudo

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too sudo

Hey! I can do "dumb", too! ARTIE Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. DRUM ROLL ( PAUSE ) And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared; [boy are You ever going to hate me for this one]: "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."

Click HERE! ... you'll know what to do! sudo

Suz, This is the day!! Happy anniversary! You and Geo are some of my favorites here so I wanted to bless you guys with a touching heart warming anniversary song! So click HERE! and shed a tear or two. sudo

Kit, It was mice of you to post these birthday wishings for Petrock but you don't have to credit me. Heck, I steal your pics all the time and don't credit you!! Hee-hee! And you have some good ones! sudo

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the gay flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up,Bit¢h" sudo

Hey Chinny! Check these out and let me know which you prefer! Click HERE! and HERE! sudo

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a dang motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi biker. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a stupid jerk. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. The car was my ex-wife's... mine was parked around the corner! sudo

Galen, Re:"Sudo - I was doing stuff with BBS's and Fido boards through the late 80's and 90's. Good to see others that have been on-line from old." Yeah.. there are still a few of us around who know how to do more than just point click and ship. When one got a computer in the late '80's or early '90's, they had to know things like DOS commands and how to edit autoexec.bat or sys files and the like. That makes things a lot easier for us now but computers and their operating systems are getting to be more and more like automobiles.. back in the '60's and early 70's, a backyard mechanic could fix his own car. In fact, a buddy and I overhauled my '63 Ford Falcon when we were in high school. Took that sucker apart.. took the head to a head shop to be reworked, replaced all the rings and bearings, put the thing back together again and it ran like a charm. Today, I look under the hood and don't even know what all that stuff is. Computers are getting that way too. Where the heck is the AUTOEXEC.BAT file in Windows XP anyway??? sudo

Mike, Re:"Does a change of venue hamper anyones ability to attend?" No problem with me. It's actually a little closer and I see the cabins have refigerators. I was wondering where I was going to store the gallon bottles of Bloody Mary's. sudo

Firebee, Just happened to have that one on the 'ole hard drive.. Click HERE!... You know.. you guys really ought to visit us on the 'Nostalgia' thread. We do all kinds of tunes! sudo

Happy Birthday Joan!!! Yet another ROA time birthday! This year you can wake up on your birthday and not hear "Good Morning Lord" or "Beautiful Ohio"! sudo

Happy Birthday Highway29!!! I hadn't even thought about it until Kit posted it but... this is the ROA time, isn't it? I'm sure you will have a happier birthday than the ones you celebrated at the ROA's in the heat and the rain! sudo

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, has spent 25years of his life sentence in prison. He escapes, and while on the run, breaks into a house and ties up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He ties the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on thebed. He got on the bed right over the woman and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible, the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you." She says, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you too sudo

Ex, Re:"i have a cable modem thru the cable company, i can't think of their name right now. is that who gives me the home page ?" That's right! I also have a modem connection through Road Runner and they offer a measly 5 meg but that's enough for several WAV files. I guess you'll have to go to that cable company's home page and read the FAQ's about what they offer in the way of home pages. There should also be information there about the FTP client you'll need to upload the files. More than likely they offer a free one for downloading. I guess posting songs was a little bit more complicated than you expected? It's really not that tough. sudo

Firebee and Ex, Sure thing. The posting is the easy part.. the hard part is coming up with the song. Most of the time the song you want to post is an MP3.. like what you can get from file sharing programs like Kazaa, Bear Share, Morpheus or a whole host of others that are available of the web for free. So now you have an MP3 song you like and would like to post it. Well.. you'll see that I rarely post the MP3 because folks with dial up internet connections can't click on the link I provide and hear the song in one piece.. it takes too long to download. So, I convert the MP3 to a low quality WAV file and it's the WAV file I post. So you also need a music converter that can convert the MP3 to a WAV. There are several available for free on the internet. I use DbPoweramp and it works fine for me but I sent it to someone who can't seem to get it to work right. Seems it won't convert to a low enough WAV file. I'll have to ask Krys and Bluzeman what they use. But OK.. now you've got the WAV file you want to post. The first thing you have to do is upload that file to your ISP's web server that they give you for a home page. Yeah, lots of folks don't even know that they have space to use for a home page but nearly all ISP's provide at least 5 meg of space. You just need to find out from them where that space is located. Then you upload the WAV file to that server using what is called an FTP client. There again.. there are free ones out there on the internet for download. So once you've uploaded the file.. now you're ready to link to it in a post. Let's say you're using Road Runner as your ISP and your file is located at htttp://midsouth.rr.com/dbdbdb and the file's name is goodone.wav then what you post is <a href=http://midsouth.rr.com/dbdbdb/goodone.wav><B>HERE!</B></a>. And voila! You'll see the link. Krys had a bit of a learning curve doing this but she finally got the hang of it. I'm available to talk you through the whole process if you'd like. sudo

Mikey, I'm hoping we'll get a decent turnout. How many folks you think will come? Doesn't really matter as I'll be there even if it's just you, me, AHAT, Rascal and Pirate. I'll be tickled pink to see you guys! Of course, you know I've already met AHAT face to face but I'm really looking forward to making everybody else's acquaintance and seeing AHAT again! Sorry.. no laughing gas. The Bloody Mary's will have to do but I make 'em pretty potent! sudo

Ex, Here's your song... Click HERE! now why don't you guys join us on the 'Nostalgia' thread in the Greasespot Gallery And Reading Room forum? We take requests, you know, and have a lot of fun! sudo P.S. Great tune!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRYS!!! sudo

Mikey, Count me in. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to make it, too! And no tenting for this guy.. I'll get a motel room. If you guys want to grill burgers, that's fine but I'll be bringing some steaks. You know.. we could work a deal. I'd be happy to bring extra big juicy steaks to share with anyone wanting to share their appetizers and grilled veggies. I was also planning on bringing some brewski's but seeing as it is a state park.. that would probably be frowned upon. Best I bring a gallon or two of Bloody Mary's already mixed in the cooler, huh? sudo

Today's The Day! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEE!!!!!!! sudo

A rich couple was going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early. As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Take off my bra and panties." Again, he silently obeys her. The tension was really getting tight as she smiles and look at Jeeves. "Jeeves" she said "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired" sudo

Raf, Something only you and Adios could appreciate.. Click HERE! Happy Birthday! sudo