Sudo

A crusty old Marine Corps Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?" "Negative ma'am," the Sergeant Major said. "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, in exasperation, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and instantly replied, "1955." She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now." sudo

Yeah, I knew Dana in the late 70's and early 80's in Philadelphia. I remember her telling us one time about how God spoke audibly to her once on a subway. Sweet girl. sudo

How to give a cat a pill 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL 1. Wrap it in cheese.

Saddam Hussein, Taha Yassin Ramadan and Tariq Aziz are lounging on the balcony of one of Saddam?s palaces when a flock of geese flies over. ?Ramadan, shoot the geese,? Saddam says. The vice president lifts his AK-47 and empties a clip into the sky, but doesn?t hit a single goose. ?You try, Tariq,? Saddam says. The deputy prime minister fires and misses as well. ?Damn, I have to do everything around here,? Saddam says. He fires five rounds in the air. None of the birds fall. There?s an awkward silence. Then Tariq Aziz points at the receding flock and says, ?My God, would you look at that! Dead birds flying!? sudo

Trefor, You weren't at the Advanced class held in Peebles Scotland at the Hotel Hydro in 1981 by any chance? I was the lone American new student there. sudo

French horn... In fact, I went through Ole Miss on a band scholarship, so it paid off. I pick one up now twice a year at the yearly high school band reunion and at Ole Miss' homecoming. I'm in the alumni band. Also play a little piano. There again... used to play a lot better than I do now. I was never any Condolezza Rice, though. sudo

Steve, If we're reporting in, then I've lost 22 lbs now since about the middle of January. I was at 207lbs and am now at 185lbs. My ideal weight is 165 and I don't know if I'll make THAT or not. I'm using modified Atkins. It DOES all come down to calories in the end, you know. Atkins' keeps you off the carbs to keep you in ketosis so you're not so hungry is all. I still think it's not a very healthy way to live for a lifetime but... its an easy way to lose weight at least. sudo

Likeaeagle, Yeah... I have a couple of in laws that live there. In fact my wife grew up less than 30 minutes away in a small town called Burlington and her father was the main Ob-Gyn in town. A real small heart-of-America small town. We used to visit Greensboro and Burlington at least every Thanksgiving if not more often. It's beautiful country. Both of my wife's parents are now deceased so we no longer visit on a regular basis but we're still there we we can to see other relatives. sudo

chwester, Re:"Rose was my hero as a kid, but he definitely sold his soul to baseball." I thought you were looking for the ludicrous comments made by TWI folk about who was and wasn't a seed boy. But lo and behold if you don't still accept the premise of "seed boys" in the first place. Glory be! Well, we KNEW you were gonna' start this thread because 'ole Lucifer hisself tells us these things. Yep.. I'm a seed boy and I've got company. The Invisible Dan and Garth are seed boys, too. In fact we have ourselves regular seed boy meetings complete with excellers sessions. You know.. levitate each other around the room, do a little psychic surgery on each other... just to keep in practice. All the stuff Dr. Wierwille warned you about. Yep.. it's all true. We're soooooold out! Boom-boom-be-boom! And what did I get for my soul?? Man.. Beelzebub got me cheap! A lousy '87 Callilac and all the women I wanted. Trouble is.. it costs a fortune to keep the Caddy running and at my age.. I'm not wanting too many women! Good thing for THEM! I'm overweight and don't look so good as I used to. But at least I got a better deal than Garth. All he got was to be a Vince Finnegan look alike!! sudo

Watered Garden, Ahh! Isn't life grand?? I'm so pleased for you!!! Just look at the evidence that our families grow and grow. Who woulda' thunk it when we were all teenagers, huh? Another reason I like hanging out here. It's one big family! And for the most part.... a happy one!! sudo

Bluzeman, Gotta' agree with you.. anyone hearing the first second or two of yours would know it right off! At least if... they were old geezers like us. sudo

Rottie, You get cranky with PMS?? Well, just wait. Carol is going through "The Change" and is REAL tough to deal with. She kept me up all last night tossing... turning... with the hot flashes and got upset with me because I was sleeping like a baby, Sheesh! But hey.. most of us older guys understand. You ladies have kindly tolerated the male ego detritus from our upbringing and chalked it up to our male hormones. We thank you for your patience and know that this is payback! Hee-hee! You need to talk? There is another chat room, you know.. http://webs.globalco.net/~bluzeman/irc.html that we guys and gals on the Nostalgia thread use. Check us out! sudo

Rafael, Have you forgotten the ending to Requiem for a Heavyweight? With Anthony Quinn playing Mountain Rivera?? Gawd!!! That was one of the most heartbreaking movies I've ever seen. Even sadder than sad doggie movies (Old Yeller, Homeward Bound etc... that really makes me boo-hoo) and what have you. sudo

You know.. I think Qtori mentioned the most famous opening.. click HERE! and.. NAME THAT SONG!!! sudo

Ron, Just lookie at the friends you have, Bowtwi looks up the lyrics on the internet and posts them... and I even go so far as to get you the very song. Now... you feel blessed to have such friends?? Click HERE! and let me know if this is what you were looking for. sudo (Ron's buddy)

Paw, I have something you may be interested in. IRC with an easy java chat from a single click... e-mail me. sudo

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Hills, Re:"Sudo...do they make one that controls more channels... I see yours only comes with two selections?" You get what you pay for.. you want more selections?? You pay a LOT more!!! Hee-hee! sudo

zshot, Re:"I NEED to get a remote like that" Sure.. you can get one. But... they're VERY expensive! A ring out of a box of Cracker Jack just isn't going to have much of an effect. That channel you're trying to change will stay even MORE locked up! sudo

First Remote Control For Men

Mo, Happy Birthday!! Long time no see, girl. Hope all's well in the North country! sudo

Act2, Re:"Do you know Dr. Wood or Dr. Cook who practice in W. Memphis, AR?" Sorry, no.. we have little to nothing to do with West Memphis. sudo

Mark, Re:"I was wondering why he's been so quiet lately...guess a woman's got his tongue." Or maybe something else. But in any case.. it's a good thing for ArkieRon if I'm any judge. Men are miserable living by themselves. I've been married for nearly 20 years.. gots myself three kids and I wouldn't want it any other way. sudo

Act2, Re:"Sudo, do you have that lazer machine in your office that makes your teeth white?" Nope. I still prefer what we call the "walk-around" bleach. That's where we take impressions of your teeth.. pour up a model.. and make custom bleach trays. Then, the person puts the bleach in their trays at home and wears them for 30 minutes twice a day. Some folks like to sleep in them. It's cheaper and easier on the teeth. The downside is that it takes two weeks whereas the office procedure is immediate. sudo

Dot, Re:"Sudo- How are you doing so far? Are you peeing on sticks?" I'm doing pretty good, Dot, and yes, I've been dousing the sticks pretty regularly. Turning 'em all purple, I dare say. I've lost 7 lbs now and the rest of the time will be slow, as all the water weight is now gone. From now on out it'll be the hard to fight fat cells that have to give up their contents. And they don't wanna'!! Still.. I'm the fattest I've ever been in my LIFE!! 205 lbs on a 5'10" frame. I weighed 155 lbs in college and in dental school. This watching TV on the couch nearly every night has taken its toll and I'm gonna' get rid of most of tht baggage! sudo