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Backfence: The traditional yule fear factor

ChattyKathy

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ChattyKathy

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Backfence: The traditional yule fear factor

James Lileks

Star Tribune

Published December 14, 2004

Maybe it's just me. Perhaps I'm overly sensitive. But when I wish a store clerk "Merry Christmas!" they often appear stunned and flummoxed for a moment, as if I've just blabbed the plans for the underground's sabotage of the train tracks in front of the secret police. I've said something highly inappropriate for the public square, and I almost expect a security guard to take me aside on the way out. He'll lead me to a small room. He has no enthusiasm for this; it's the end of his shift, and he's done this a dozen times already today. But policy is policy.

Sir, you realize that the store does not use the, um, ah, C word. We have nothing against it, of course, and wish you a merry (cough)mas, as well. But when you say that to a store employee, it puts them in a difficult position.

"You mean that position where they have to smile while wondering if they're going to be disciplined for saying the wrong thing?"

That's the one, yes. I hope you understand that we have a long-standing relationship with the (cough)mas holiday –

"Like the relationship between a sucker fish and a whale? Only the fish isn't really interested in whether the whale exists or not, only that it doesn't fall off and die."

Sucker fish, remora, intestinal parasite -- we don't have an approved aquatic metaphor for the relationship. But that's not the point. We prefer the term "festive season."

Which is a euphemism for Christmas, of course.

Yes. And "Happy Euphemism" is acceptable on store property. You must understand that this is not about Christmas, but about the holiday season, which encompasses many beliefs.

Hence the trees, the lights, the berries, the Santa costumes, the Nutcracker statues, the Nat King Cole music on the speakers, the poinsettias, and other symbols of Hinduism. Come on! It's Christmas! What's the problem?"

Sir, you needn't use that tone of voice. It's hostile, and –

"It's not hostile. It's festive! See? I'm happy! Big grin. I'm happy for a variety of reasons, and one of them is the yearly reminder that my britches are not as tightly cinched as yours. You could celebrate every single religious holiday and I wouldn't mind. If your staff all wished me a merry whatever, I'd take it as an expression of goodwill. The other day, for example, the Disney Channel had a little ad between shows wishing the viewers a Happy Hanukkah. My kid asked what that meant, and I explained it as best I could, even spinning around like a giant dreidel. We went to the grocery store and got latkes, even. With some nice cream cheese. If anyone had looked at us, your textbook goyim, and said "Happy Hanukkah" I would have taken it as a warm and friendly wish to celebrate the goodwill inherent in the holidays crucial to the great religions. So why can't I say Merry Chris -- no. Wrong question. Why can't you say it?"

Sir, this conversation no longer sounds real, but has come to resemble a fictional contrivance designed to make you seem sensible at my expense. I shall have to pepper spray you.

AAAUUUGGHHH! Man, I hate it when my straw dogs fight back. Have to go wash out my eyes. Hold on.

There. Anyway. I probably exaggerate a bit, but I spent yesterday at the Mall, and the word "Christmas" was nowhere in sight - except for the signs that detailed the holiday store hours.

They were closed on Christmas, for some peculiar reason.

I don't get it. There's this peculiar fear of Christmas that seems to get stronger every year, as if it's the season that dare not speak its name. Check out the U.S. Postal Service Web site: two different stamps for Kwanzaa. One for Eid, two for Hanukkah. Two for non-sectarian "Holiday," with pictures of Santa, reindeer, ornaments, that sort of thing. One for the Chinese New Year. One for those religiously inclined -- it features a Madonna and Child. But the Web site calls it "Holiday Traditional." The word "Christmas" doesn't appear on the site's description of the stamps. Eid, yes. Hanukkah, yes. Kwanzaa, yes. Christmas? No. It's Holiday Traditional.

Am I offended that they name the other holidays by name? Of course not -- no more than I'd be offended if a practitioner of those creeds wished me a happy whatever. This is America. Come one, come all. Frankly, I look forward to the day when the Mexican Day of the Dead is a national holiday; having a picnic in honor of departed relations is an improvement on, say, Arbor Day. Fifty years from now, we'll all drive hovercars right up to the grave and grill some steaks. In any case, if someone wished me a Happy Whatever tomorrow, I'd be honored that they cared to include me. Why some companies are terrified of this idea I cannot imagine.

This isn't about shoving Christmas down the maws of the unwilling -- it's simply about admitting that the vast majority are celebrating, well, CHRISTMAS, and there's nothing injurious to the public sphere in celebrating that fact. At this rate we will have to rename July 4th The Holiday of Perceiving Nocturnal Airborne Explosives, lest we offend the few who regard the American Experiment as a grievous stain on human history.

Yes, "Merry Christmas" means different things to different people. To those disinclined to follow the creed it represents, it speaks to the cultural traditions of America; to those who take spiritual succor from the season, it means something else. Bottom line in either case: Be happy. And if you're about to throw down the paper and fire off an angry letter to the editor, stop: Think. I wish you a Merry Christmas. I really do. That's all there is to it.

Relax. Have yourself a Holiday Traditional. However you wish.

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CoolWaters Newbie

CoolWaters

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There was this branch leader in Anchorage who always put up a Christmas tree...with no skirt and no presents under it.

My husband once asked him, "What's this for? Slaying babies?"

Little did we know at the time that that was closer to the truth than we could have imagined...

So I just say, "Happy Holidays!"

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Kit Sober Newbie

Kit Sober

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CHALKY FESTIVAL --- Answer: WHITE CHRISTMAS

US TRIPLET RULERS --- Answer:

K.O. THE CORRIDORS --- Answer:

ZERO HOLIDAY CONIFER --- Answer:

CATCHY ALARMS --- Answer:

ZERO-DECIBEL DARKNESS --- Answer:

A MINUSCULE METROPOLIS OF STEEL --- Answer:

WEE TAPPING TOT --- Answer:

HEY-MAN, THE TRIBUNE PIXIES HARMONIZE --- Answer:

A DOZEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS OF THE FESTIVAL --- Answer:

#1 ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ --- Answer:

DETERGENT IN THE GALAXY --- Answer:

POSSESSING ID WEDS A TINY NOEL --- Answer:

THE ARRIVAL WAS AT THE STROKE OF 12 NATURALLY --- Answer:

FAR OFF IN THE FEED BIN --- Answer:

ARE WE BOTH GETTING THE SAME VIBES? --- Answer:

NO SWISS CHEESE MOONTIME --- Answer:

A SIGH BECKONS EVERY BELIEVER --- Answer:

MANY ASPIRE ONE A GLEEFUL EVENT --- Answer:

BRIDGING THE GAP AND TUNNELING THE TREES --- Answer:

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krys Newbie

krys

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US TRIPLET RULERS --- Answer We 3 Kings

K.O. THE CORRIDORS --- Answer: Deck the Halls

WEE TAPPING TOT --- Answer:Little Drummer Boy

FAR OFF IN THE FEED BIN --- Answer: Away in a Manger

ARE WE BOTH GETTING THE SAME VIBES? --- Answericon_biggrin.gif:D-->o You Hear What I Hear?

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dmiller Newbie

dmiller

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KIt --- icon_biggrin.gif:D--> icon_biggrin.gif:D-->

Up here in Minny-soda -- the unabashedly bluest of blue states, next to perhaps Massachusetts, we wish you all a very merry, er, uhhhh, ahem, (cough!) -----

Happy Hannah-Rama-Kwanz-Mas -- from the land of 10,000 taxes, where

The Women are strong,

The Men are good looking,

And the children are above average --

Each and every one.

icon_cool.gif

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dmiller Newbie

dmiller

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quote:
‘Twas awhile before Channaramakwanzmas  

Written by:

Morghanne Q.E. Wolfe-Slattery, Euphorian

‘Twas awhile before Channaramakwanzmas

and all through the sustainable community,

not a Euphorian was thinking of anything but pure equity.

My current life partner and the developing persons all three

Had removed our helmets and were drinking ginkobiloba tea.  

We-as a team had just done the dishes,

With dish soap organic-to not hurt the fishes.

When suddenly I felt the dwelling unit shake

I knew by the sound-Santa had made a mistake!

I ran through the yard,

where there was no sign of Christmas at all

Said come down-where’s your helmet-you’ll certainly fall!

You’ve made a mistake-this community’s P.C.

Nowhere here will you find a Christmas tree.

We celebrate the all-inclusive Euphorian holiday

Channaramakwanzmas offends no one-no how- no way!

Please leave here now-you are not welcome here

Unless you free those poor repressed reindeer

And the elves-while you’re at it…overworked, underpaid

And Mrs. Claus-is she anymore than your maid?

Santa looked at me then and said-seemly frayed

What’s this Euphorian holiday you nuts have made? 

Happy Channaramakwanzmas, to all, and good night. 

This was from a "spoof" on the GARAGE LOGIC SITE, here in Minnesota -- but it hits way too close to home, concerning the mentality of the folks that live here. icon_rolleyes.gif:rolleyes:-->

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ChattyKathy Newbie

ChattyKathy

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Kit, thanks for the fun! Below is your list with answers provided, showing the ones remaining. (thanks Kry and dmiller)

quote:
Originally posted by Kit Sober:

CHALKY FESTIVAL --- Answer: White Christmas

US TRIPLET RULERS --- Answer: We 3 Kings

K.O. THE CORRIDORS --- Answer: Deck the Halls

ZERO HOLIDAY CONIFER --- Answer: Oh Christmas Tree

CATCHY ALARMS --- Answer:

ZERO-DECIBEL DARKNESS --- Answer: Silent Night

A MINUSCULE METROPOLIS OF STEEL --- Answer: Oh Little Town of Bethlehem

WEE TAPPING TOT --- Answer: Little Drummer Boy

HEY-MAN, THE TRIBUNE PIXIES HARMONIZE --- Answer:

A DOZEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS OF THE FESTIVAL --- Answer: The Twelve Days of Christmas

#1 ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ --- Answer: No "L" (Noel)

DETERGENT IN THE GALAXY --- Answer:

POSSESSING ID WEDS A TINY NOEL --- Answer:

THE ARRIVAL WAS AT THE STROKE OF 12 NATURALLY --- Answer: It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

FAR OFF IN THE FEED BIN --- Answer: Away in the Manger

ARE WE BOTH GETTING THE SAME VIBES? --- Answer: Do You Hear What I Hear?

NO SWISS CHEESE MOONTIME --- Answer: Oh Holy Night

A SIGH BECKONS EVERY BELIEVER --- Answer:

MANY ASPIRE ONE A GLEEFUL EVENT --- Answer:

BRIDGING THE GAP AND TUNNELING THE TREES --- Answer: Over the Bridge and Through the Woods

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ChattyKathy Newbie

ChattyKathy

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quote:
Originally posted by Kit Sober:

CATCHY ALARMS --- Answer: Jingle Bells

HEY-MAN, THE TRIBUNE PIXIES HARMONIZE --- Answer: Hark the Herald Angels Sing

DETERGENT IN THE GALAXY --- Answer: Joy to the World

POSSESSING ID WEDS A TINY NOEL --- Answer:

A SIGH BECKONS EVERY BELIEVER --- Answer:

MANY ASPIRE ONE A GLEEFUL EVENT --- Answer:

And a new one:

Trunk Legumes cooking on the Coleman --- Answer: Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

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