WWJLA, I'm only 36, but I hope you don't mind my chiming in... I know I am more confident and more in tune with what "just be yourself" means. As a result, I have more fun dating and can enjoy the process of finding that special someone who compliments me and my life instead of "settling" or trying to change who I am to please someone or to make them love me. Been there - done that. ;)-->
Do those things come with age, experience, upbringing or are they inherent in some moreso than others? I don't know. My parents got married when my mom was 18 and they are still very happily married and both very unique individuals who have always done their own thing. Good question! I'm more concerned about being too anxious and moving too fast because I so don't want to be too old to have kids when Mr. Right does find me. :D-->
And....congrats on the relationship! Enjoy and continue having fun! Classmates just now meeting....what a cool story!
Well I haven't done research per se, but I have my own experiences.
I got married (2nd time) at 40. I was divorced for 9 years before marriage #2. I didn't learn to be satisfied by myself until I actually left twi. I think the reason for that is because I had been involved with a few men while I was in and now realize I was only with them because they were "the best available".... --> God saved me from some really bad situations now that I look back. Especially the last wayfer I dated.
He was a controlling bastage. We still dated for a few months after I left twi, and I realized in a few short months that he was offensive and judgmental. I HATED that!!! I finally told him that I didn't want to be with him because his personality was offensive to me, so why would I want to marry him? Had I stayed in twi, I never would have made that decision. Thanks, God, for the save!
I had almost a year by myself before I met the wonderful man I am married to now. Although I spend many years crying about getting married again while I was in twi, I now see that as a blessing. Had I gotten married in twi, where would I be now? My husband and I have such a great partnership, and I would hate to think that I would be bound up in a depressing relationship as a submissive wife.
I bought in to all of that crap. Once I was out, I finally saw that marriages weren't doomed or devilish if the wife wasn't submissive. I had a lot of time to reflect on what marriage really should be. I'm thankful for that. But also I had time to realize that a man didn't complete me. I never would have admitted that before, but it was true I was waiting for a man to complete me.
I do think women spend a lot of time reflecting on themselves after they get past the point of feeling sorry for themselves for not being married. Unfortunately, I saw so many women sad from this in life. I really feel for them--especially if they are still in twi. All of their "believing" is nill if there aren't enough men to go around. Gawd, maybe that's how polygamy got started.....hmmmmmm
I agree, twi didn't offer too much of a choice. I married the first time when I was thirty. I must have been desparate. I was afraid that I would never marry and end up to be an old maid.
Now, I met a man in my later fourties and have a wonderful relationship. He is my soul mate. No control and we have some interests that are the same and some that aren't. It works very well. He also made a wonderful father to my two kids that needed a good role model.
I think marrying at a later age is good. You know what you want in life and you are your own person in your own right. The only problem with that is that if you want children you usually need to have them before fourty five or fifty. That doesn't leave much time.
I met Mr. niKa (my first and only husband) when I was 38. We married three months later (to the day, though not intentionally). That's almost ten years ago, now. I had my first child two weeks before turning 40, and my second six weeks before turning 42.
I agree with a lot of what Belle, Wayfer Not, and Vickles have said. Mr. niKa and I were big kids, old enough to know what we wanted, and wise enough to recognize it when it was right in front of us. It was a very, very good thing for me, because I had resolved to remain single, rather than marry the wrong person. That sounds cool, if it is decided at 22, but to stick to one's resolve at 35 is a horse of another color entirely. Research says that most women experience a marked decline in fertility after age 35. I really, really wanted children. It's also quite true that the older we are, the more set in our ways we have become, and the harder it can be to adjust to another person.
But when it works, it's Paris in Springtime most days of the rest of your life.
No matter what else is happening around us, the parent / teacher meetings, the hundred little troubles which beset us every day, they are all nothing.
I had no right to expect to be this happy; I'm very, very thankful.
I hear you, niKa. I'm very, very thankful for what I have and I think both my sweetie and I have been lonely long enough to realize what a treasure we have in each other. And yes, you do have every right to be as happy as you are.
Sometimes it's not a matter of finding love; sometimes it's a matter of recognizing love when it comes into your life.
I married for the second (and last) time last year at the age of 42.
I think that with age comes a lower tolerance for b.s., which leads to a lower tolerance level for so many other things that you just "put up with" in your youth.
Thanks! Y'all give me hope! Especially you, NIKA. I have been wondering if I should just give up the hope of ever having kids. I have a friend who adopted a child for her 40th birthday since she was single and didn't see that changing anytime soon but had always wanted kids. I've kinda put that thought on the back burner, so to speak. Hopefully it won't come to that, though.
I do know I'm a lot more "particular" ;)--> these days which can be a good thing or a bad thing.
I think being a lot more particular is a good thing. I liked the statement someone here had made awhile back (paraphrased to the best of my recollection): You know it's right to marry the person when you realize you can't live without them.
Even my old attention deficit disordered low energy self appreciated that one.
If you ladies don't mind a guy butting in here, I'd like to point out that some of US wait a while before getting married. When I was younger, I couldn't understand how my dad could have been single until he was 33. -->
I was single until I was almost 42. :D-->
To quote an old beer commercial, "When it's right, you know it." :)-->
We don't mind a feller buttin' in at all. Why, all us womenfolk know sometimes you got to wait until the menfolk slow up a tad afore ya can catch 'em and tie 'em down.
I've enjoyed this thread and given it much thought. Certainly before now, given that I'm in my 40's and have been a widow for 8 years.
Getting married again.... what a concept that would be.
But in my 40's I'm more independant, definately more sure of who I am as a woman and what I will and won't allow in my life; including who I will and won't allow.
When I married I was 24 years old, we'd been living together since I was 22, we already had a child. I have no regrets about marrying him; not one. But I wish we'd have not felt such pressure to do so. We both knew we 'should' and we did.
That won't happen again as I won't be guilted into taking such a huge and important step. This because of being in my 40's, more mature and ok with making informed choices.
I am loving my 40's!
I find that women in their 40's have gotten to a place where they are very strong in all areas of their lives. And the areas that are not as strong as she'd like are taken care of by her according to her own time table and conditions.
We've reached the age where we feel ok with speaking our minds, naysayers be dam ned. We've come to a really nice time where our dreams have either been realized or at least we know what the heck they are and where to find them and we don't mind the hard work getting them.
Society has so much to do with it as women in 40's that are single are more accepted. For me, it's strange because as a young widow, society still doesn't know what to do with me; where to put me.
And I still have a young child at home.
That said, I don't wait for a man to 'come along and fix me' or society to dictate what is ok for me now; what is proper and acceptable.
We have control over our lives that is freeing and it fits better than it did.
I find women in their 40's that consider marriage need a very strong man that is secure in his own life and has the strength to realize that he's likely gonna hook up with a woman that can do just fine without him, but would appreciate his company and sharing his life.
What I find exciting is that this goes both ways.
I also consider, for all women not just myself, what examples we've been provided. Women that have not been afforded the chance to grow into themselves in a healthy manner unfortunately might not have the opportunity to look at themselves in their 40's and like what they see.
My mother divorced my father in her 40's at a point when her personal life was at a really good place. That probably belongs in the other thread. What I learned from her experience taught me many many things that I still carry. She then got into her relationship with my step dad, but they've never married; 25 years now they've been together.
She's much more verbal in her relationship; this woman takes NO crap this time. She's healthier, which I believe my step dad contributes to because he gives her the room to do what she wants to do. It's a great example for me. She's taught me, and then life has taught me to take care of my own emotional health, in a relationship or not, at any age.
In our 40's we get that. It's a great time in life.
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Belle
WWJLA, I'm only 36, but I hope you don't mind my chiming in... I know I am more confident and more in tune with what "just be yourself" means. As a result, I have more fun dating and can enjoy the process of finding that special someone who compliments me and my life instead of "settling" or trying to change who I am to please someone or to make them love me. Been there - done that.
;)-->
Do those things come with age, experience, upbringing or are they inherent in some moreso than others? I don't know. My parents got married when my mom was 18 and they are still very happily married and both very unique individuals who have always done their own thing. Good question! I'm more concerned about being too anxious and moving too fast because I so don't want to be too old to have kids when Mr. Right does find me.
:D-->
And....congrats on the relationship! Enjoy and continue having fun! Classmates just now meeting....what a cool story!
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Nottawayfer
Well I haven't done research per se, but I have my own experiences.
I got married (2nd time) at 40. I was divorced for 9 years before marriage #2. I didn't learn to be satisfied by myself until I actually left twi. I think the reason for that is because I had been involved with a few men while I was in and now realize I was only with them because they were "the best available"....
--> God saved me from some really bad situations now that I look back. Especially the last wayfer I dated.
He was a controlling bastage. We still dated for a few months after I left twi, and I realized in a few short months that he was offensive and judgmental. I HATED that!!! I finally told him that I didn't want to be with him because his personality was offensive to me, so why would I want to marry him? Had I stayed in twi, I never would have made that decision. Thanks, God, for the save!
I had almost a year by myself before I met the wonderful man I am married to now. Although I spend many years crying about getting married again while I was in twi, I now see that as a blessing. Had I gotten married in twi, where would I be now? My husband and I have such a great partnership, and I would hate to think that I would be bound up in a depressing relationship as a submissive wife.
I bought in to all of that crap. Once I was out, I finally saw that marriages weren't doomed or devilish if the wife wasn't submissive. I had a lot of time to reflect on what marriage really should be. I'm thankful for that. But also I had time to realize that a man didn't complete me. I never would have admitted that before, but it was true I was waiting for a man to complete me.
I do think women spend a lot of time reflecting on themselves after they get past the point of feeling sorry for themselves for not being married. Unfortunately, I saw so many women sad from this in life. I really feel for them--especially if they are still in twi. All of their "believing" is nill if there aren't enough men to go around. Gawd, maybe that's how polygamy got started.....hmmmmmm
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vickles
I agree, twi didn't offer too much of a choice. I married the first time when I was thirty. I must have been desparate. I was afraid that I would never marry and end up to be an old maid.
Now, I met a man in my later fourties and have a wonderful relationship. He is my soul mate. No control and we have some interests that are the same and some that aren't. It works very well. He also made a wonderful father to my two kids that needed a good role model.
I think marrying at a later age is good. You know what you want in life and you are your own person in your own right. The only problem with that is that if you want children you usually need to have them before fourty five or fifty. That doesn't leave much time.
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notinKansasanymore
I met Mr. niKa (my first and only husband) when I was 38. We married three months later (to the day, though not intentionally). That's almost ten years ago, now. I had my first child two weeks before turning 40, and my second six weeks before turning 42.
I agree with a lot of what Belle, Wayfer Not, and Vickles have said. Mr. niKa and I were big kids, old enough to know what we wanted, and wise enough to recognize it when it was right in front of us. It was a very, very good thing for me, because I had resolved to remain single, rather than marry the wrong person. That sounds cool, if it is decided at 22, but to stick to one's resolve at 35 is a horse of another color entirely. Research says that most women experience a marked decline in fertility after age 35. I really, really wanted children. It's also quite true that the older we are, the more set in our ways we have become, and the harder it can be to adjust to another person.
But when it works, it's Paris in Springtime most days of the rest of your life.
No matter what else is happening around us, the parent / teacher meetings, the hundred little troubles which beset us every day, they are all nothing.
I had no right to expect to be this happy; I'm very, very thankful.
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wwjesuslaughat
I hear you, niKa. I'm very, very thankful for what I have and I think both my sweetie and I have been lonely long enough to realize what a treasure we have in each other. And yes, you do have every right to be as happy as you are.
Sometimes it's not a matter of finding love; sometimes it's a matter of recognizing love when it comes into your life.
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Nottawayfer
I like that!
That is an awesome way to describe a great relationship--thanks!
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Cindy!
I married for the second (and last) time last year at the age of 42.
I think that with age comes a lower tolerance for b.s., which leads to a lower tolerance level for so many other things that you just "put up with" in your youth.
Let's hear it for marrying in your 40's!!!!
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Belle
Thanks! Y'all give me hope! Especially you, NIKA. I have been wondering if I should just give up the hope of ever having kids. I have a friend who adopted a child for her 40th birthday since she was single and didn't see that changing anytime soon but had always wanted kids. I've kinda put that thought on the back burner, so to speak. Hopefully it won't come to that, though.
I do know I'm a lot more "particular"
;)--> these days which can be a good thing or a bad thing.
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Scout Finch
I think being a lot more particular is a good thing. I liked the statement someone here had made awhile back (paraphrased to the best of my recollection): You know it's right to marry the person when you realize you can't live without them.
Even my old attention deficit disordered low energy self appreciated that one.
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GeorgeStGeorge
If you ladies don't mind a guy butting in here, I'd like to point out that some of US wait a while before getting married. When I was younger, I couldn't understand how my dad could have been single until he was 33.
-->
I was single until I was almost 42.
:D-->
To quote an old beer commercial, "When it's right, you know it."
:)-->
George
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GeorgeStGeorge
P.S.: My wife couldn't have any more kids, but I have four wonderful (usually) stepchildren and a fantastic (always) grandson!
George
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wwjesuslaughat
George,
We don't mind a feller buttin' in at all. Why, all us womenfolk know sometimes you got to wait until the menfolk slow up a tad afore ya can catch 'em and tie 'em down.
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Shellon
I've enjoyed this thread and given it much thought. Certainly before now, given that I'm in my 40's and have been a widow for 8 years.
Getting married again.... what a concept that would be.
But in my 40's I'm more independant, definately more sure of who I am as a woman and what I will and won't allow in my life; including who I will and won't allow.
When I married I was 24 years old, we'd been living together since I was 22, we already had a child. I have no regrets about marrying him; not one. But I wish we'd have not felt such pressure to do so. We both knew we 'should' and we did.
That won't happen again as I won't be guilted into taking such a huge and important step. This because of being in my 40's, more mature and ok with making informed choices.
I am loving my 40's!
I find that women in their 40's have gotten to a place where they are very strong in all areas of their lives. And the areas that are not as strong as she'd like are taken care of by her according to her own time table and conditions.
We've reached the age where we feel ok with speaking our minds, naysayers be dam ned. We've come to a really nice time where our dreams have either been realized or at least we know what the heck they are and where to find them and we don't mind the hard work getting them.
Society has so much to do with it as women in 40's that are single are more accepted. For me, it's strange because as a young widow, society still doesn't know what to do with me; where to put me.
And I still have a young child at home.
That said, I don't wait for a man to 'come along and fix me' or society to dictate what is ok for me now; what is proper and acceptable.
We have control over our lives that is freeing and it fits better than it did.
I find women in their 40's that consider marriage need a very strong man that is secure in his own life and has the strength to realize that he's likely gonna hook up with a woman that can do just fine without him, but would appreciate his company and sharing his life.
What I find exciting is that this goes both ways.
I also consider, for all women not just myself, what examples we've been provided. Women that have not been afforded the chance to grow into themselves in a healthy manner unfortunately might not have the opportunity to look at themselves in their 40's and like what they see.
My mother divorced my father in her 40's at a point when her personal life was at a really good place. That probably belongs in the other thread. What I learned from her experience taught me many many things that I still carry. She then got into her relationship with my step dad, but they've never married; 25 years now they've been together.
She's much more verbal in her relationship; this woman takes NO crap this time. She's healthier, which I believe my step dad contributes to because he gives her the room to do what she wants to do. It's a great example for me. She's taught me, and then life has taught me to take care of my own emotional health, in a relationship or not, at any age.
In our 40's we get that. It's a great time in life.
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GeorgeStGeorge
Kinky! No feathers, now!
:o--> 
:D-->
George
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wwjesuslaughat
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