A Guide to Tools and Their Use

[Ron G.]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

[justloafing]

All true :)

[Littlehawk]

Hey Ron, Howdy from the Knob Creek valley of the Bourbin Region of tha Bluegrass....a place where machine guns and spot lights are required as necessary huntin tools.

I use a big old asphalt torch to start fires and another tool I find quite useful is a twitch. A twitch is used to help a mule understand their role in life. Its a rope attached to twenty six ounce eastwing hammer designed fer thumping or twisting them into a big smile.

[CoolWaters]

OMG!!!!! It's true!!! ALL MEN ARE ALIKE!!!! :o :ph34r:

And the all time best use for any tool, imo, is...

COOKING!

I just loved the guys at K&B Construction on Home Improvement. You can search episode archives for the episode "Flying Sauces"...which is where I found the following pics:

http://feyaurora.com/images/photos/toolcooking000.jpg

http://feyaurora.com/images/photos/toolcooking001.jpg

http://feyaurora.com/images/photos/toolcooking002.jpg

http://feyaurora.com/images/photos/toolcooking003.jpg

[sharon]

Hey you forgot some essential tools~~~

butter knife~works as a screw driver and a lock pick

high heel shoe~~(who needs a hammer)

and the most important ~~~duct tape

which does everything from hemming jeans to weather proofing windows

[marypoppins]

L M A O

COOLWATERS and SHARON That was absolutely brilliant

also a serated knife for stripping wire to sort the plug out

[Galen]

A socket wrench-racket a useful tool which not only rounds bolt heads but will also remove the skin from your knuckles at the same time.

I really like my pocket knife with the little chunks missing out of it's knife edge. It is useful for determining which circuit is 'hot' [thus the missing chunks from it's blade], it will also repeatedly slip off on wire when attempting to remove the insulation and will make nice slices through your hand in the process.

3/4 inch 1/2 HP drill: a very intelligent tool designed to spin a phillips screwdriver head, initially balanced on a deck screw, but as soon as your free hand goes near the deck screw to hold it straight the drill knows to jump out of the deck screw and onto the fleshy palm of your hand and it will spin that screwdriver head right on through until it pokes out the opposite side of your hand.

[justloafing]

True Story.

I was working construction. We were putting in the sills on the brick work for the foundation of a house. Had a nice 3/4 inch electric drill. Well one guy was drilling the drill slipped off the sill and ended up wrapping his shorts up in it. almost the worst possible place. Right beside "IT". One guy unplugged the drill and Don who had the drill bit wrapped up in his shorts looked at Jim and almost crying said "Jimmy plug it back in". Jim did and Don put the drill in reverse and baked the drill bit out slowly.

Don reached down in his shorts and pulled out a wad (looked like a brillo pad) of pubic hair that the drill bit ripped out by the roots. He sent someone to the store to get rubbing alcohol. When the alcohol got there Don turned his back to us and poured the alcohol on the skin that the hair was ripped out from. He jumped a country mile and let out a loud scream. We all just fell out laughing.

So I guess a drill could take the place of a wax job for you girls.

Edited January 6, 2006 by justloafing

[Zshot]

justloafing,

LMAO!!!!!

As bad as that was for that guy, it could have been worse!!!

[Galen]

One of my fingernails is just almost grown back from a drill jumping and runing through my finger. Bonnie wanted me to let it fall off, but I superglued it back on and now [months later] the nail is growing.

Just shows you that women dont know everything, and of course 'superglue rules'!

:)

[Sudo]

Now you guys will understand why I don't use such tools...

I hire it done. I slipped too many times working on my car with a crescent wrench (because I didn't have the right size wrench) as a teenager, slashing my grease coated knuckles. As I'd look down in pain at a sight of black grease coated fingers bleeding bright red... I SWORE that one day I wouldn't have to do this kind of work.

I haven't even changed my own oil in nearly 30 years.

sudo

[dmiller]

one guy was drilling the drill slipped off the sill and ended up wrapping his shorts up in it. almost the worst possible place. Right beside "IT". One guy unplugged the drill and Don who had the drill bit wrapped up in his shorts looked at Jim and almost crying said "Jimmy plug it back in". Jim did and Don put the drill in reverse and baked the drill bit out slowly.

OUCH!!! I feel sorry for the guy, but -----

[Twinky]

Just bumping up this humorous old thread for further additions and amusement.