My first impression upon reading through them is to comment that the very thought that you are reassessing where you are, asking those questions and giving some thought to the possibility that "there's more" out there is a good sign.
Many people hit mid-life (I'm 51) without much forward thinking, considering, assessing and get totally "blindsided" by it and become poster children for the person who has the affair or, buys the red Porsche or, quits the company after 20 years, or is surprised that women really do change through menopause.
Many of my own life changes happened in my 40s also and I've spent the last 7 years since finding myself (as a single again, a single mom, back in school for a bit, in a new career, in a new state, home, group of friends, etc.). My own parents both died when I was in my 20s, but my oldest sister died a couple of years ago and I'm still recovering from that one.
I think the questions are very healthy, and I agree - - some posts here do tend to jar my thinking in a good way. A number of us here will tell you that journaling is a wonderful tool to use during this type of journey - - both to begin articulating what might be the forumulation and/or elaboration of an excellent thought, creative idea, self assessment, self debate, etc. It's also a great tool to measure change, progress, successes, etc. as you look back in a couple of years and can see actual milestones you've accomplished (or not).
But for the roadmap? I find comfort in talking to older women, my aging relatives, reading, reading, reading which I find to be some replacement for the wisdom I might have gleaned from parents. But I agree - - often life just is what it is and there's no roadmap, or enough preparation that really helps in the tough areas.
The natural changes of aging are very real however, and if you are one of the many men (and women) who are somewhat ignorant of those changes (despite 50 being the new 40 attitudes), I would encourage you to read and understand the changes you have, are and will got through physically as you kick and scream and moan and groan and ache through the aging process. That will help you separate the physical from some of the very real emotional challenges you are no doubt handling right now (and sorry to hear about your parents, btw).
Good questions! Keep at it. I'll be interested to read all other other 50-somethings chime in.
I've got a couple of years on you (I'll be 54 next week), but we're still pretty much contemporaries, and I'm going through similar stuff I guess. I'm looking at an imminent change in marital status, father's been gone quite some time now, mother is still healthy - but definitely showing her age, and the kids are pretty much grown now, so being a "dad" isn't quite what it used to be (though I'm sure there are some who'd say I was never much of a dad anyway).
Yeah, life changes. It's easy to forget that when you're in the middle of the normal chatter of everyday life.
I'm thankful that we have the luxury of contemplating our options, though. Few other cultures or generations did.
I'm not particularly optimistic about much of anything now, and I don't have any religious feelings, so things are kinda in limbo for me. I can't imagine ever getting real worked up about God or some afterlife where everything will be just ducky anymore, as it all just strikes me as incredibly superstitious and naive. There certainly haven't been any "road to Damascus" moments for me in my life.
So, what do we do with ourselves? I dunno. I plan on traveling some more. Do some decent work when I can, maybe help out those that don't have it so good. I don't have any earth-shaking plans or aspirations anymore, though. I'm gonna try to get by, maybe give more than I take, make sure my kids have at least a shot at a full life, that's about it.
Yeah, no Corvettes or slinky bimbos in my future. A few more trips to Asia and maybe one or two to the Mediteranean and with any luck, one day I'll just die in my sleep.
I find myself in the fifty limbo as well. It was interesting-up until last year I was content moving through the day by day rigors of life-mainly just for daily preservation and a better paycheck. Having no family, that made me free to travel (for the job) and relocate whenever necessary. Always a pain, but I did it out of obligation to work committments and opportunities. In the process, however, (and for other reasons) I lost the ability to develop long-term relationships.
Then, with the last change in position, I lost the drive. Yeah, the work was challenging, but it was not a good situation, and it only contributed to the general feeling of disatisfaction.
So-I walked away. I got tired of woking my butt off to put $ in other people's pockets, and really got tired of the comprimises you have to make in the process (closing your eyes occasionally) for the "bigger picture".
So, I do a little volunteer work here and there, but am not rushing to get back into the rat race. I know I'll have to, but I'm looking at the last 35 plus years of my work life and find that I just am in no hurry. I said to somebody that I would rather get into something that would put me on the side of the angels for a change, and that will be my goal. Make the first half of my life count for something as I head into the last half, you know?
I'll be turning 48 in October. Due to health reasons, I had a total hysterectomy less than a month after I turned 40...which abruptly threw me into menopause...which screwed with me big time...until I adjusted to it all.
Anyway, being a woman has its own natural indicators of life changes. Men, I dunno how you all know what's what when. OK...maybe you don't. Just teasin'.
I'm with Jard in that I seek out women who have been down a path before me...who can and will be a light unto my feet while I am upon a path.
For me, the women of GSC have been the brightest, most loving, most caring, funniest, most knowledgeable, and just plain old the BEST women to bring the light to my feet. I think it's because the women of GSC get it when it comes to being a lamp instead of being a chain. All of the experiences of being in twi...and the resulting experiences...I think these things have made women of GSC far more sagacious than other women I have known. Or maybe I just prefer their company in general.
What I'm saying is that finding some men who have 'been there, done that' could be a hoot and quite helpful. Pick their brains (no, no, no, no...leave their noses alone), listen to their stories, allow them to see you 'as you are'.
As far as knowing what to do next or how to make life changes...
This is the time in life to listen to your heart, imo.
It has been my experience that the first 47 odd years of my life was a time when I lived up to expectations, let others tell me what was right for me, allowed myself to be sublimated for the sake of children, jobs, material things, marriages, whathaveyou.
Now I'm looking back to the person I was before twi, before marriage, before children, before 'career goals', before I became somebody else's somethingorother.
And I tell ya what...
That person is the person I'm shaping myself into these days. She was self-reliant, capable, aware, talented, joyous, exuberant, and all the things that I have lost of her throughout the years. But I haven't really lost those things...they're inside me still...and bringing them out so I can play is just downright ALIVE!
I've decided to spend the rest of my life playing. Everything I do is going to be for my enjoyment. The things that come along in life that I have no control over and that I don't enjoy, well, I'm going to disperse with those things immediately and get on with playing. I've been too close to death for too long to do anything else now that I'm in recovery.
A major corporation here is downsizing and has been for over ten years... LOTS and LOTS of middle ager in LIMBO .
They made a good paycheck for many years.. nothing will compare any where eles here and they for the most part spent it !
they worked a factory job at a machine that is now gone forever, and they worked slow and no competition .they are my saving grace.
I go seminars with the ex executives vrying looking like stunned deer at what the world looks like in the rest of the world.
They neveer went to college they never struggled they never saw unemployment and now they are in shock with life without the company.
I worked to hard I found out in middle age I really did.. I work less now with the children grown and me cutting them off . I realize my God how the heck did i do it all ???
today i wont work two jobs I would rather cook at home etc.
I think im beginning to live like an "old" person.. I enjoy the bird feeder rember the cats box more and notice when the laudry isnt done!!1
this is a change. for me. I was so busy before and now nothing.
I go to college quite a bit I take certifications and courses to learn new skills.
and i intend to use them but not in a got to make good or die kind of life like you said "On the side of the angels now. '
If they do not fit or I do not fit I can find another path to explore.
I have to work till Im 70 anywyas and Im still poor but without the kids inmy face for money all the time the burden seems better and lighter.
I do not dream anymore you kow of making huge changes in my life or another.. I hope i can stay kind and happy enough to love those I need to.
I am glad some of you can travel I can not no money and none in sight if i ever get an egg i will give it to my grands at this point so the cats and the birds and my wonderful beautiful home and I will make each day an adeventure the best as I can.
If anything good happens I will let you know. but contentment is great gain .
Lots of good advice and its just good to hear that I am not alone on this.
I think I expect more out of the second half of life. I am with several of you in that I will make the effort to make it more fun -see places, do stuff. Just got to find people to do that with or get comfortable doing it alone. I'll just take it as it comes.
I will soon be 60 and feeling pretty good physically and mentally. I plan to return to school part time this fall to upgrade my AAS to a BS degree, and hopefully after that get a MBA, if the creek don't rise and the hogs come home. I have worked in the IS field most of my life and would like to move into business or teach at college, for something new and challenging. Retiring is not really in my crystal ball as long as I can keep going.
My mind is sure not as sharp as it once was but have been able to deal with it alright. I take extra steps to review things I must do at work, so I keep up and don't get behind. I think more about what I have to do and it is more time consuming but the job gets down correctly.
On thing though, the ole bod gets pretty stiff at times so have found it necessary to make a routine of doing stretching exercises, as it was getting to the point of almost impossible to put my shoes and socks on because of the pain and stiffness. Usually 30 minutes every other day keeps me pretty limber.
I have no major health problems and am very thankful for that. So many much younger than me do not have the fortunate health I am blessed with. I watch what I eat (less fat and calories), watch lots of tv, and read several newspapers every day. I see to it I have to have regular check ups at the doc's office. This gives me peace of mind and hopefully will help to nip any problems in the bud if they happen.
I have been divorced for 10 years and most likely will not be getting married again. Answering to no one is very nice, although it does get lonesome at times. I do date and almost got married a few years ago, but have found it can cause problems with the new family and mine. Even adult children find it difficult to see their parent(s) with another person. The most recent gal I was seeing has a 14 and 18 year old and it was obvious they did not want me in the picture. At this stage in my life I don't like to have to dance around and side step people who don't want me there.
Being able to accept my mortality has been challenging, but think I am getting there. And trying to figure out this god character has also been a problem. Oh well, always something to work on eh? I have learned that having day to day questions or problems in my life is not all that bad. Just have to deal with them and not feel like I am being singled out. Everyone has their issues to deal with so we all belong to the same club.
I will soon be fifty, also. I had kids late in life and I will have kids in the house for several years to come, so that hasn't changed yet. Both my parents have been gone for a few years, they died quite close together time wise. Life has been one big change after another it seems--some changes I made, like my religion and my job, some changes have happened, like health stuff, that I am trying to deal with as positively as possible.
My husband is quite a few years older than I so sometimes that makes me nervous, thinking fo the possible future with out him.
One thing that I embraced after leaving TWI was to quit being everyone's 'good' girl and working my whole life away to achieve some one elses goal for my life. My goals, such as they are, may seem odd to others, but what the heck. I still keep my priorities and responsibilities where they need to be, but outside of that I am free to make my own decisions.
Hi Fincho....I spend my life with people "in transition", so this question is pondered by me all the time.
I also am divorced, single and childless...I didn't expect it either ....but, I absolutely love my life...I am thrilled to wake up...I just love the way it has carved itself out for me...but, it wasn't always this way.
When I was in the space you seem to be in now, I was much younger than you, and knew I would have to prepare and map my life out, if I wanted to, not only survive financially, but survive without being in despair, or depressed.
I did many things and if you want we can email...I won't take up time and space here....but, here are a few things offhand I did, and pass on to people everyday with whom I deal with...in fact, this was a major topic of discussion with 2 people just today!!!!
If you plan to remain where you live, look at the night school. Sign of for classes you would have NEVER thought you would....I did "cake decorating"...I don't even bake, but, it was a blast for the time being, and opened door to me of texture and color....which turns out to be a piece of learning that I needed to be where I am today, perhaps 6-7 years later.
Night school is cheap, but it will open doors to yourself...
I remember in that little book "As a Man Thinketh" there was a quote I still use to this day...and I give it to you now---
"Circumstances don't change a man...they only reveal him to himself".
Get yourself in situations that are unusual, uncomfortable, fun, awkward...join little hiking groups, swimming classes at a local high school pool...
Give this a few years....and, you'll pop out of mid-life just fine...a brand new Fincho....and you might even be surprised!!! I was!!!
Hope this helps.
P.S. I'll pray your dad has a peaceful passing. That's the best I can do.
Why is it that the biggest transition times in life have to be so clouded by hormonal changes? Adolescence is filled with hormones to torture one into adulthood and then mid-life and menopause have to gang up at the same time. My brain feels half baked from hot flashes sometimes and maybe that's good so I don't ponder things too deeply... I don't know...
I'll be emailing you Wacko, thanks for the offer.
One of the things that is probably way too superstitious and is messing with me in ways I don't like is the following:
I went to Chicago for a planned work trip. I was supposed to be there 4 days. The second day I was there, my mom died. Here it is six months later, my dad was doing just fine two weeks ago, I scheduled a work trip to Chicago to finish the work I had started there six months which I had to interrupt when Mom died. This weekend I find out my dad is very sick and headed for a major hospital in a city 4 hours from where he lives because he is fragile and critical and old. I am supposed to get on a plane to Chicago a week from tomorrow and it scares the crap out of me. I know that is irrational, illogical, and probably stupid, but that's just what's going on today.
...And having hot flashes in 90 degree weather sucks even when the air conditioning is on. I know there is no point in crying about things, but I feel like crying and do so everytime I come back and check greasespot.
OK. I think I've vented enough to get through the next half hour...Thanks everyone...
Too funny, Cool.... Just the laugh I needed. Yes, I am a she. You probably couldn't tell because I just got my hair cut a couple of days ago and it is very short. I was joking with my hairdresser that some people would think I was a man. I guess I wasn't too far off... tee hee...
Scout-prayers for your dad. And no guilt-you had nothing to do with what happened to your folks. This stuff is not within our control: if it was, we would be God (and I know I'm not!)
And the hot flashes-yes, they are a bear, but-they will fade. Here's some info which may help: Flash help
quote: I had a total hysterectomy less than a month after I turned 40...which abruptly threw me into menopause...which screwed with me big time...
And your husband's still alive??
When I think of midlife crisis I think of that movie "American Beauty". Kevin Spacey's character is 42 and he 1) quits his 60K per year sales job and then gets a job as a fast food worker with as little responsibility as possible, 2) starts buying marijuana from the teenage kid next door, 3) gets the hots for the cookie cutter blonde bimbo cheerleader friend of his daughter's, and 4) would rather masturbate than have sex with his wife who is still quite attractive (Annette Biening [sp] ).
I know midlife crisis is different for men than for women but after seeing that movie, despite all the obvious stereotyping, I just can't take aging too seriously as long as I have health. I don't have any "rosebuds" that I know of (to borrow a phrase from another movie). There is nothing that eats away at me because I didn't do it when I was younger. I just feel that while I have health that NOW is the time to plan stuff like travel or anything I still might enjoy while I'm alive.
There is a book by Judith Viorst. I just found a used copy and gave it to one of my clients who is 59 to turn 60 this month. She is rich. She has an awesome husband. She has a gorgeous house in the woods. She has the "dream" life.
She looks like hell and she is mega depressed.
We talked a bit...and Judith's book popped into mind because it was life altering for me. It's titled "Necessary Losses"...have you heard of it?
It's subtitle is on the lines of dealing with loss of not only people, but dreams and expectations and youth...and it's pretty eye opening and leads on to contemplation, and perhaps tears....
However...the book released me.
Another thing I do, LindaZ, as you know, is travel. I go off season where anywhere in the world is about $200rt....youth hostils are anywhere from $8-&28/ night...and that's NYC (the later).
Learning about different cultures and people outside of our horizons is enriching...it yields compassion and curiosity...not only are THEY interesting, but YOU are interesting to them as they learn to see Americans in another light.
I have dogsledded in the wilderness, opal mined in Australia, hiked in canyons in the middle of nowhere, Mexico....slept in the Arctic circle with the Laplanders....been sailing on a Sailboat with Jonathan Edwards (my idol)...I've almost done everything I've wanted to do...I just got back from New Zealand, where sheep are plentiful!
Perhaps I'm organized (in a very cluttered way), perhaps I'm just a free spirit...but, I've never let anything stop me from doing things that might float my boat.
The hardest thing in life is to figure out your boat!!! What's your passion? What's your bliss?
After I read the book, and many other self help books, I took classes...I drove to Vermont alot...I mingled with all types of people, all over...and found out the things that turn me on.....
I consider myself poor, financially.
But I've learned to sacrifice the crap the world has to offer, with it's capitalism and brainwashing... (i.e. every new electronic device, going to movies, Walmart and consumerism) and learned to think on my own...whoever said" know thyself" should have really elaborated...
I save my pennies, literally. Today I splurged and bought a grey sheep fleece and some mohair curls. I spent alot of money, but I've spent all morning outside in the sun washing it, cleaning it....doing a little felting (I made an absolutely gorgeous ruffled felted scarf!) and now I'm off to work for 3 hours (and I love my job)...and my day has been full and plentiful....
I got a good tan today, sung some songs, helped the farmers out by purchasing their products (sheep and goat fleece)...fed my birdies outside, had a little lunch, ate a little watermelon and cut up the rind and buried it in my compost pile...and now I'm off to "work". Could it be anymore pleasant?
I think that saying "life is good" is alot of hogwash.
I don't believe there are many people living a truly full life.
I'm not sure many people really know what that would mean to them.
I will turn 50 this month. I can't say that I have had a mid-life crisis or anything. My husband who is almost 60 just bought an existing auto repair business today. The previous owner is 62 and ready to retire. My hubby thinks he is just getting started!!!!
I work part time for my brother, sell on ebay, and now will work some in the new business venture, so in a few weeks, I may say that I am going thru a mid-life crisis!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, we do look forward to being a bigger part of my hometown community and being in the swing of things as we were in AR.
Yesterday, I went to the funeral home for a former pastor of ours growing up and saw his son, who was a few years older. Some people stay the same and some don't, is all I think I had better say on this subject! AND today, I saw a man that I had a crush on in FIFTH GRADE!!!! We both recognized each other. Some still look good and some don't.....
Ok, I will shut up now.
Ok, one more thing. For the females reading this, take a peek at the picture I posted in the 'Deadwood' thread. WOW!!! is all I can say. My sister was the lucky one hugging him, but I cut her out of the picture!
I am 47...with kids and husband, not where I thought I'd be at 16, but then, what do most 16 yr olds know? Maybe I am too naive...but I don't think so, I think I have chosen most of what has come, but I also think the universe has an awful lot to offer...
I just received my Bachelor's degree. My kids are young... and needing a lot. But...kids or no kids being true to myself (yes even before including kids or husband) meant getting to know myself again after leaving TWI. Maybe a lot of you held on to yourselves...but having started going to twig before even having a driver's liscense --well that would be another thread. Anyhow--
In the process I found a book that was excellent for helping me hold up the mirror I was looking for.
It's called: "Finding Your Own North Star" It is one of those worth rereading every so often..every 5/6 years.
I learned that it was really up to me to literally "speak my life into being" and then of course do the work that went with it.
When I went to my ob/gyn I saw a medicine advertisment for hot flashes it said it reduces the problem by as much as 50 percent or something.
ask your dr. if he knows of it maybe that will help you .
I am sorry about your dad getting older..
It seems everytime you make plans he gets sicker and you need to stop and make arrangement to help him.
That is what it was like raising my children and being a single parent.. I loved them and they had no one eles and they needed me.
My life did go on hold for many years.
you know what? it is ok to be a little angry about it and a lot frightened..your dad is kind of the only family from "home" you have left.
do what you need to do to get thrrough this time. but remember this, your dad knows better than you he is old and possibly dying.. he gets it that you have to live and work and etc. He did when you where young and needed him. .
If he is very frightened and alone and needy a placement in a caring facility may be a solution some day.
no one wants to put their first kid in day care and no one wants to put mom or dad in a "home">
it is ok he may be much relieved not having to rely on you so much and make his last days more comfortable.
and then if his time comes and you can not be home just that minute he wont be alone and you can relax some more.
this is a thing you cant control your dad getting old.. or just when he can or will die. and that means you may not be able to plan you life around the event..
My son got hit by a car... I didnt find out about it till much later in the day... I felt guilty I should have KNOWN that could happen and waitied by the phone.. LIFE just isnt like that for any of us. as much as we wish it could be.
I am sad for you you really are a good daughter and love your dad so much.
But do not let him leave this world with you resenting him keeping you from living.
Folks go through this letting go process and it is tough it is the same these days for elderly parents letting go of their disabled children finaly after 70 at home to a group home. Because they can no longer care for them . I see this alot and it is a sad part of life but it is life and guess what the "kid" often times is very happy knowing mom and dad are doing ok and vice versa.
I think you should talk to your dad now while you can.. say I need to go away for work.. I will come back as soon as I am able... and if something should happen while IM gone I want you to know this...
I will be ok dad.. Im getting a hang of this life stuff and Im happy.. this allows your dad some peace Scout he will always be your dad.
he will always want to know your ok . Tell him your ok with him being ill. and be ok with it.. not happy just that your fine and will be ok.
this is all a parent ever ever wants from their children.
he knows he is ill he knows death is looming he needs to know what you need to know that he and you will be ok. and you will even if he dies. just let him know it so he can be as well as he can be and not worry about you.
he may keep calling you back to make sure your ok he is worried.. OK IM a little like that to. as a parent it is difficult to make this huge change in life without making sure the kids are ok with it and this is the bottom line of change..
he knows life better than you scout trust him and trust your love for him and talk to him now about what is the elephant in the living room.
then when you go to work realize that conversation and be at peace with one another in life and death .
Im sorry if this is out of bounds I just thought I would try to help. if it is impossible then Imwrong but if not I hope it helps that is all.
if time goes by I have seen family fall apart by compromise and actualy resent someone from a normal process of life. I just do not want this to happen to you two he is your only family and you must be very close and i know he is concerned you are handlling this alright.
When people are very old as you describe your dad death is not as frightening to him , what is frightening is not being to take care of those you love anymore.. just let him know you will be alright and then be alright .
it is the best way to love him forever.
but clearly you must live and your dad wants you to live.
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jardinero
Very interesting questions indeed, Scout.
My first impression upon reading through them is to comment that the very thought that you are reassessing where you are, asking those questions and giving some thought to the possibility that "there's more" out there is a good sign.
Many people hit mid-life (I'm 51) without much forward thinking, considering, assessing and get totally "blindsided" by it and become poster children for the person who has the affair or, buys the red Porsche or, quits the company after 20 years, or is surprised that women really do change through menopause.
Many of my own life changes happened in my 40s also and I've spent the last 7 years since finding myself (as a single again, a single mom, back in school for a bit, in a new career, in a new state, home, group of friends, etc.). My own parents both died when I was in my 20s, but my oldest sister died a couple of years ago and I'm still recovering from that one.
I think the questions are very healthy, and I agree - - some posts here do tend to jar my thinking in a good way. A number of us here will tell you that journaling is a wonderful tool to use during this type of journey - - both to begin articulating what might be the forumulation and/or elaboration of an excellent thought, creative idea, self assessment, self debate, etc. It's also a great tool to measure change, progress, successes, etc. as you look back in a couple of years and can see actual milestones you've accomplished (or not).
But for the roadmap? I find comfort in talking to older women, my aging relatives, reading, reading, reading which I find to be some replacement for the wisdom I might have gleaned from parents. But I agree - - often life just is what it is and there's no roadmap, or enough preparation that really helps in the tough areas.
The natural changes of aging are very real however, and if you are one of the many men (and women) who are somewhat ignorant of those changes (despite 50 being the new 40 attitudes), I would encourage you to read and understand the changes you have, are and will got through physically as you kick and scream and moan and groan and ache through the aging process. That will help you separate the physical from some of the very real emotional challenges you are no doubt handling right now (and sorry to hear about your parents, btw).
Good questions! Keep at it. I'll be interested to read all other other 50-somethings chime in.
J.
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George Aar
I've got a couple of years on you (I'll be 54 next week), but we're still pretty much contemporaries, and I'm going through similar stuff I guess. I'm looking at an imminent change in marital status, father's been gone quite some time now, mother is still healthy - but definitely showing her age, and the kids are pretty much grown now, so being a "dad" isn't quite what it used to be (though I'm sure there are some who'd say I was never much of a dad anyway).
Yeah, life changes. It's easy to forget that when you're in the middle of the normal chatter of everyday life.
I'm thankful that we have the luxury of contemplating our options, though. Few other cultures or generations did.
I'm not particularly optimistic about much of anything now, and I don't have any religious feelings, so things are kinda in limbo for me. I can't imagine ever getting real worked up about God or some afterlife where everything will be just ducky anymore, as it all just strikes me as incredibly superstitious and naive. There certainly haven't been any "road to Damascus" moments for me in my life.
So, what do we do with ourselves? I dunno. I plan on traveling some more. Do some decent work when I can, maybe help out those that don't have it so good. I don't have any earth-shaking plans or aspirations anymore, though. I'm gonna try to get by, maybe give more than I take, make sure my kids have at least a shot at a full life, that's about it.
Yeah, no Corvettes or slinky bimbos in my future. A few more trips to Asia and maybe one or two to the Mediteranean and with any luck, one day I'll just die in my sleep.
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topoftheworld
I find myself in the fifty limbo as well. It was interesting-up until last year I was content moving through the day by day rigors of life-mainly just for daily preservation and a better paycheck. Having no family, that made me free to travel (for the job) and relocate whenever necessary. Always a pain, but I did it out of obligation to work committments and opportunities. In the process, however, (and for other reasons) I lost the ability to develop long-term relationships.
Then, with the last change in position, I lost the drive. Yeah, the work was challenging, but it was not a good situation, and it only contributed to the general feeling of disatisfaction.
So-I walked away. I got tired of woking my butt off to put $ in other people's pockets, and really got tired of the comprimises you have to make in the process (closing your eyes occasionally) for the "bigger picture".
So, I do a little volunteer work here and there, but am not rushing to get back into the rat race. I know I'll have to, but I'm looking at the last 35 plus years of my work life and find that I just am in no hurry. I said to somebody that I would rather get into something that would put me on the side of the angels for a change, and that will be my goal. Make the first half of my life count for something as I head into the last half, you know?
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CoolWaters
I'll be turning 48 in October. Due to health reasons, I had a total hysterectomy less than a month after I turned 40...which abruptly threw me into menopause...which screwed with me big time...until I adjusted to it all.
Anyway, being a woman has its own natural indicators of life changes. Men, I dunno how you all know what's what when. OK...maybe you don't.
Just teasin'.
I'm with Jard in that I seek out women who have been down a path before me...who can and will be a light unto my feet while I am upon a path.
For me, the women of GSC have been the brightest, most loving, most caring, funniest, most knowledgeable, and just plain old the BEST women to bring the light to my feet. I think it's because the women of GSC get it when it comes to being a lamp instead of being a chain. All of the experiences of being in twi...and the resulting experiences...I think these things have made women of GSC far more sagacious than other women I have known. Or maybe I just prefer their company in general.
What I'm saying is that finding some men who have 'been there, done that' could be a hoot and quite helpful. Pick their brains (no, no, no, no...leave their noses alone), listen to their stories, allow them to see you 'as you are'.
As far as knowing what to do next or how to make life changes...
This is the time in life to listen to your heart, imo.
It has been my experience that the first 47 odd years of my life was a time when I lived up to expectations, let others tell me what was right for me, allowed myself to be sublimated for the sake of children, jobs, material things, marriages, whathaveyou.
Now I'm looking back to the person I was before twi, before marriage, before children, before 'career goals', before I became somebody else's somethingorother.
And I tell ya what...
That person is the person I'm shaping myself into these days. She was self-reliant, capable, aware, talented, joyous, exuberant, and all the things that I have lost of her throughout the years. But I haven't really lost those things...they're inside me still...and bringing them out so I can play is just downright ALIVE!
I've decided to spend the rest of my life playing. Everything I do is going to be for my enjoyment. The things that come along in life that I have no control over and that I don't enjoy, well, I'm going to disperse with those things immediately and get on with playing. I've been too close to death for too long to do anything else now that I'm in recovery.
So, above all else, enjoy yourself!
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topoftheworld
Cool, you are very Cool.
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pond
A major corporation here is downsizing and has been for over ten years... LOTS and LOTS of middle ager in LIMBO .
They made a good paycheck for many years.. nothing will compare any where eles here and they for the most part spent it !
they worked a factory job at a machine that is now gone forever, and they worked slow and no competition .they are my saving grace.
I go seminars with the ex executives vrying looking like stunned deer at what the world looks like in the rest of the world.
They neveer went to college they never struggled they never saw unemployment and now they are in shock with life without the company.
I worked to hard I found out in middle age I really did.. I work less now with the children grown and me cutting them off . I realize my God how the heck did i do it all ???
today i wont work two jobs I would rather cook at home etc.
I think im beginning to live like an "old" person.. I enjoy the bird feeder rember the cats box more and notice when the laudry isnt done!!1
this is a change. for me. I was so busy before and now nothing.
I go to college quite a bit I take certifications and courses to learn new skills.
and i intend to use them but not in a got to make good or die kind of life like you said "On the side of the angels now. '
If they do not fit or I do not fit I can find another path to explore.
I have to work till Im 70 anywyas and Im still poor but without the kids inmy face for money all the time the burden seems better and lighter.
I do not dream anymore you kow of making huge changes in my life or another.. I hope i can stay kind and happy enough to love those I need to.
I am glad some of you can travel I can not no money and none in sight if i ever get an egg i will give it to my grands at this point so the cats and the birds and my wonderful beautiful home and I will make each day an adeventure the best as I can.
If anything good happens I will let you know. but contentment is great gain .
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Scout Finch02
I knew I could count on you guys....
Lots of good advice and its just good to hear that I am not alone on this.
I think I expect more out of the second half of life. I am with several of you in that I will make the effort to make it more fun -see places, do stuff. Just got to find people to do that with or get comfortable doing it alone. I'll just take it as it comes.
Thanks for the feedback.
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Stayed Too Long
I will soon be 60 and feeling pretty good physically and mentally. I plan to return to school part time this fall to upgrade my AAS to a BS degree, and hopefully after that get a MBA, if the creek don't rise and the hogs come home. I have worked in the IS field most of my life and would like to move into business or teach at college, for something new and challenging. Retiring is not really in my crystal ball as long as I can keep going.
My mind is sure not as sharp as it once was but have been able to deal with it alright. I take extra steps to review things I must do at work, so I keep up and don't get behind. I think more about what I have to do and it is more time consuming but the job gets down correctly.
On thing though, the ole bod gets pretty stiff at times so have found it necessary to make a routine of doing stretching exercises, as it was getting to the point of almost impossible to put my shoes and socks on because of the pain and stiffness. Usually 30 minutes every other day keeps me pretty limber.
I have no major health problems and am very thankful for that. So many much younger than me do not have the fortunate health I am blessed with. I watch what I eat (less fat and calories), watch lots of tv, and read several newspapers every day. I see to it I have to have regular check ups at the doc's office. This gives me peace of mind and hopefully will help to nip any problems in the bud if they happen.
I have been divorced for 10 years and most likely will not be getting married again. Answering to no one is very nice, although it does get lonesome at times. I do date and almost got married a few years ago, but have found it can cause problems with the new family and mine. Even adult children find it difficult to see their parent(s) with another person. The most recent gal I was seeing has a 14 and 18 year old and it was obvious they did not want me in the picture. At this stage in my life I don't like to have to dance around and side step people who don't want me there.
Being able to accept my mortality has been challenging, but think I am getting there. And trying to figure out this god character has also been a problem. Oh well, always something to work on eh? I have learned that having day to day questions or problems in my life is not all that bad. Just have to deal with them and not feel like I am being singled out. Everyone has their issues to deal with so we all belong to the same club.
Enjoy getting older!!!!!!
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Bramble
I will soon be fifty, also. I had kids late in life and I will have kids in the house for several years to come, so that hasn't changed yet. Both my parents have been gone for a few years, they died quite close together time wise. Life has been one big change after another it seems--some changes I made, like my religion and my job, some changes have happened, like health stuff, that I am trying to deal with as positively as possible.
My husband is quite a few years older than I so sometimes that makes me nervous, thinking fo the possible future with out him.
One thing that I embraced after leaving TWI was to quit being everyone's 'good' girl and working my whole life away to achieve some one elses goal for my life. My goals, such as they are, may seem odd to others, but what the heck. I still keep my priorities and responsibilities where they need to be, but outside of that I am free to make my own decisions.
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Wacky Funster
Hi Fincho....I spend my life with people "in transition", so this question is pondered by me all the time.
I also am divorced, single and childless...I didn't expect it either ....but, I absolutely love my life...I am thrilled to wake up...I just love the way it has carved itself out for me...but, it wasn't always this way.
When I was in the space you seem to be in now, I was much younger than you, and knew I would have to prepare and map my life out, if I wanted to, not only survive financially, but survive without being in despair, or depressed.
I did many things and if you want we can email...I won't take up time and space here....but, here are a few things offhand I did, and pass on to people everyday with whom I deal with...in fact, this was a major topic of discussion with 2 people just today!!!!
If you plan to remain where you live, look at the night school. Sign of for classes you would have NEVER thought you would....I did "cake decorating"...I don't even bake, but, it was a blast for the time being, and opened door to me of texture and color....which turns out to be a piece of learning that I needed to be where I am today, perhaps 6-7 years later.
Night school is cheap, but it will open doors to yourself...
I remember in that little book "As a Man Thinketh" there was a quote I still use to this day...and I give it to you now---
"Circumstances don't change a man...they only reveal him to himself".
Get yourself in situations that are unusual, uncomfortable, fun, awkward...join little hiking groups, swimming classes at a local high school pool...
Give this a few years....and, you'll pop out of mid-life just fine...a brand new Fincho....and you might even be surprised!!! I was!!!
Hope this helps.
P.S. I'll pray your dad has a peaceful passing. That's the best I can do.
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Scout Finch02
Why is it that the biggest transition times in life have to be so clouded by hormonal changes? Adolescence is filled with hormones to torture one into adulthood and then mid-life and menopause have to gang up at the same time. My brain feels half baked from hot flashes sometimes and maybe that's good so I don't ponder things too deeply... I don't know...
I'll be emailing you Wacko, thanks for the offer.
One of the things that is probably way too superstitious and is messing with me in ways I don't like is the following:
I went to Chicago for a planned work trip. I was supposed to be there 4 days. The second day I was there, my mom died. Here it is six months later, my dad was doing just fine two weeks ago, I scheduled a work trip to Chicago to finish the work I had started there six months which I had to interrupt when Mom died. This weekend I find out my dad is very sick and headed for a major hospital in a city 4 hours from where he lives because he is fragile and critical and old. I am supposed to get on a plane to Chicago a week from tomorrow and it scares the crap out of me. I know that is irrational, illogical, and probably stupid, but that's just what's going on today.
...And having hot flashes in 90 degree weather sucks even when the air conditioning is on. I know there is no point in crying about things, but I feel like crying and do so everytime I come back and check greasespot.
OK. I think I've vented enough to get through the next half hour...Thanks everyone...
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CoolWaters
Scout...you are a she...?
I'm so sorry I didn't get that! Well ignore my advice about getting with men...it's not gonna help much...except for enteratinment value.
I feel so stupid now!
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Nottawayfer
(((((Scout)))))
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Scout Finch02
Too funny, Cool.... Just the laugh I needed. Yes, I am a she. You probably couldn't tell because I just got my hair cut a couple of days ago and it is very short. I was joking with my hairdresser that some people would think I was a man. I guess I wasn't too far off... tee hee...
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topoftheworld
Hey, Cool-the men advice works for me!
Scout-prayers for your dad. And no guilt-you had nothing to do with what happened to your folks. This stuff is not within our control: if it was, we would be God (and I know I'm not!)
And the hot flashes-yes, they are a bear, but-they will fade. Here's some info which may help: Flash help
Have a great day!
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Linda Z
Wacky, could you please share more in this thread? I'd love to hear what you've learned/done.
BTW, nice to see you! I've missed your "presence" around GS of late.
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coolchef
i am almost 58 i will reply in detail to this post tommorow but for tonight
thank God for viagra!!!
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johniam
quote: I had a total hysterectomy less than a month after I turned 40...which abruptly threw me into menopause...which screwed with me big time...
And your husband's still alive??
When I think of midlife crisis I think of that movie "American Beauty". Kevin Spacey's character is 42 and he 1) quits his 60K per year sales job and then gets a job as a fast food worker with as little responsibility as possible, 2) starts buying marijuana from the teenage kid next door, 3) gets the hots for the cookie cutter blonde bimbo cheerleader friend of his daughter's, and 4) would rather masturbate than have sex with his wife who is still quite attractive (Annette Biening [sp] ).
I know midlife crisis is different for men than for women but after seeing that movie, despite all the obvious stereotyping, I just can't take aging too seriously as long as I have health. I don't have any "rosebuds" that I know of (to borrow a phrase from another movie). There is nothing that eats away at me because I didn't do it when I was younger. I just feel that while I have health that NOW is the time to plan stuff like travel or anything I still might enjoy while I'm alive.
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Wacky Funster
Hi Linda...I miss GS sometimes myself...
Hmmmm...let's see......
Besides the classes...
There is a book by Judith Viorst. I just found a used copy and gave it to one of my clients who is 59 to turn 60 this month. She is rich. She has an awesome husband. She has a gorgeous house in the woods. She has the "dream" life.
She looks like hell and she is mega depressed.
We talked a bit...and Judith's book popped into mind because it was life altering for me. It's titled "Necessary Losses"...have you heard of it?
It's subtitle is on the lines of dealing with loss of not only people, but dreams and expectations and youth...and it's pretty eye opening and leads on to contemplation, and perhaps tears....
However...the book released me.
Another thing I do, LindaZ, as you know, is travel. I go off season where anywhere in the world is about $200rt....youth hostils are anywhere from $8-&28/ night...and that's NYC (the later).
Learning about different cultures and people outside of our horizons is enriching...it yields compassion and curiosity...not only are THEY interesting, but YOU are interesting to them as they learn to see Americans in another light.
I have dogsledded in the wilderness, opal mined in Australia, hiked in canyons in the middle of nowhere, Mexico....slept in the Arctic circle with the Laplanders....been sailing on a Sailboat with Jonathan Edwards (my idol)...I've almost done everything I've wanted to do...I just got back from New Zealand, where sheep are plentiful!
Perhaps I'm organized (in a very cluttered way), perhaps I'm just a free spirit...but, I've never let anything stop me from doing things that might float my boat.
The hardest thing in life is to figure out your boat!!! What's your passion? What's your bliss?
After I read the book, and many other self help books, I took classes...I drove to Vermont alot...I mingled with all types of people, all over...and found out the things that turn me on.....
I consider myself poor, financially.
But I've learned to sacrifice the crap the world has to offer, with it's capitalism and brainwashing... (i.e. every new electronic device, going to movies, Walmart and consumerism) and learned to think on my own...whoever said" know thyself" should have really elaborated...
I save my pennies, literally. Today I splurged and bought a grey sheep fleece and some mohair curls. I spent alot of money, but I've spent all morning outside in the sun washing it, cleaning it....doing a little felting (I made an absolutely gorgeous ruffled felted scarf!) and now I'm off to work for 3 hours (and I love my job)...and my day has been full and plentiful....
I got a good tan today, sung some songs, helped the farmers out by purchasing their products (sheep and goat fleece)...fed my birdies outside, had a little lunch, ate a little watermelon and cut up the rind and buried it in my compost pile...and now I'm off to "work". Could it be anymore pleasant?
I think that saying "life is good" is alot of hogwash.
I don't believe there are many people living a truly full life.
I'm not sure many people really know what that would mean to them.
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CoolWaters
Very nice, Wacky, very nice. TY for sharing. :D
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act2
I will turn 50 this month. I can't say that I have had a mid-life crisis or anything. My husband who is almost 60 just bought an existing auto repair business today. The previous owner is 62 and ready to retire. My hubby thinks he is just getting started!!!!
I work part time for my brother, sell on ebay, and now will work some in the new business venture, so in a few weeks, I may say that I am going thru a mid-life crisis!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, we do look forward to being a bigger part of my hometown community and being in the swing of things as we were in AR.
Yesterday, I went to the funeral home for a former pastor of ours growing up and saw his son, who was a few years older. Some people stay the same and some don't, is all I think I had better say on this subject!
AND today, I saw a man that I had a crush on in FIFTH GRADE!!!! We both recognized each other. Some still look good and some don't..... 
Ok, I will shut up now.
Ok, one more thing. For the females reading this, take a peek at the picture I posted in the 'Deadwood' thread. WOW!!! is all I can say. My sister was the lucky one hugging him, but I cut her out of the picture!
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washingtonweather
I am 47...with kids and husband, not where I thought I'd be at 16, but then, what do most 16 yr olds know? Maybe I am too naive...but I don't think so, I think I have chosen most of what has come, but I also think the universe has an awful lot to offer...
I just received my Bachelor's degree. My kids are young... and needing a lot. But...kids or no kids being true to myself (yes even before including kids or husband) meant getting to know myself again after leaving TWI. Maybe a lot of you held on to yourselves...but having started going to twig before even having a driver's liscense --well that would be another thread. Anyhow--
In the process I found a book that was excellent for helping me hold up the mirror I was looking for.
It's called: "Finding Your Own North Star" It is one of those worth rereading every so often..every 5/6 years.
I learned that it was really up to me to literally "speak my life into being" and then of course do the work that went with it.
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Scout Finch02
Thank you, thank you, thank you.... everyone.
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pond
When I went to my ob/gyn I saw a medicine advertisment for hot flashes it said it reduces the problem by as much as 50 percent or something.
ask your dr. if he knows of it maybe that will help you .
I am sorry about your dad getting older..
It seems everytime you make plans he gets sicker and you need to stop and make arrangement to help him.
That is what it was like raising my children and being a single parent.. I loved them and they had no one eles and they needed me.
My life did go on hold for many years.
you know what? it is ok to be a little angry about it and a lot frightened..your dad is kind of the only family from "home" you have left.
do what you need to do to get thrrough this time. but remember this, your dad knows better than you he is old and possibly dying.. he gets it that you have to live and work and etc. He did when you where young and needed him. .
If he is very frightened and alone and needy a placement in a caring facility may be a solution some day.
no one wants to put their first kid in day care and no one wants to put mom or dad in a "home">
it is ok he may be much relieved not having to rely on you so much and make his last days more comfortable.
and then if his time comes and you can not be home just that minute he wont be alone and you can relax some more.
this is a thing you cant control your dad getting old.. or just when he can or will die. and that means you may not be able to plan you life around the event..
My son got hit by a car... I didnt find out about it till much later in the day... I felt guilty I should have KNOWN that could happen and waitied by the phone.. LIFE just isnt like that for any of us. as much as we wish it could be.
I am sad for you you really are a good daughter and love your dad so much.
But do not let him leave this world with you resenting him keeping you from living.
Folks go through this letting go process and it is tough it is the same these days for elderly parents letting go of their disabled children finaly after 70 at home to a group home. Because they can no longer care for them . I see this alot and it is a sad part of life but it is life and guess what the "kid" often times is very happy knowing mom and dad are doing ok and vice versa.
I think you should talk to your dad now while you can.. say I need to go away for work.. I will come back as soon as I am able... and if something should happen while IM gone I want you to know this...
I will be ok dad.. Im getting a hang of this life stuff and Im happy.. this allows your dad some peace Scout he will always be your dad.
he will always want to know your ok . Tell him your ok with him being ill. and be ok with it.. not happy just that your fine and will be ok.
this is all a parent ever ever wants from their children.
he knows he is ill he knows death is looming he needs to know what you need to know that he and you will be ok. and you will even if he dies. just let him know it so he can be as well as he can be and not worry about you.
he may keep calling you back to make sure your ok he is worried.. OK IM a little like that to. as a parent it is difficult to make this huge change in life without making sure the kids are ok with it and this is the bottom line of change..
he knows life better than you scout trust him and trust your love for him and talk to him now about what is the elephant in the living room.
then when you go to work realize that conversation and be at peace with one another in life and death .
Im sorry if this is out of bounds I just thought I would try to help. if it is impossible then Imwrong but if not I hope it helps that is all.
if time goes by I have seen family fall apart by compromise and actualy resent someone from a normal process of life. I just do not want this to happen to you two he is your only family and you must be very close and i know he is concerned you are handlling this alright.
When people are very old as you describe your dad death is not as frightening to him , what is frightening is not being to take care of those you love anymore.. just let him know you will be alright and then be alright .
it is the best way to love him forever.
but clearly you must live and your dad wants you to live.
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