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Catholic Heart Attack:

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,

"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!!"

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother in law."


Edited by dmiller
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On Earth as it is in Heaven:

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all human life on Earth to die.

To sort things out, everyone went to heaven.

God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines.

One line will be for the men who ruled their women on Earth.

And the other line for the men who were ruled by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked,

the women were gone and there were two lines of men.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1,000 miles long,

and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.

I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates.

Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud.

Learn from him!

Tell them, my son,

how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I'm not sure.

But my wife told me to stand here."

:unsure: high5.gif :unsure:

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Okay Dmiller if it's bar jokes you want you got it-

A Texan walks into a bar and say I'll bet anyone here $500 bucks I can fart the Star Spangled Banner.

The bartender looks at him and says you're on.

So the Texan proceeds to get up on the bar, he pulls down his pants and craps all over the bar.

The bartender says what the hell are you doing.

The Texan looks at him and says, well even Perry Como had to clear his throat before he sang.

Edited by polar bear
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  • 2 weeks later...

You probably know most of these, but maybe there's one or two you haven't heard.. .

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?

A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a

little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph

was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles

were all in one Accord.

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in

Eden ?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?

A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)

PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"


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Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote , "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,

going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,

cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,

So I guess I am a cowboy."

She said,

"I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.

When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women.

I even think about women when I eat.

It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy

and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

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Didn't know if this should be on the great music discussion or the baseball one, so here is the middle way:

A conductor was putting on a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony at 8. Unfortunately, his chorus couldn't be there until 6, so he started rehearsal without them. In the middle of the rehearsal, the air conditioning broke, so they brought out huge fans to keep the orchestra cool. This worked, but the conductor's score kept blowing away, so he had to tie it down. During this, the bass section and two cellists decided that they had had enough, so they went to the tavern across the street and got really drunk. In fact, the two cellists never came back. So six-o-clock rolls around and the chorus arrived. By then the air conditioning had been fixed and they continued with the rehearsal. Finally, it was 8 and the concert began. The concert was almost finished when the air conditioning went out again, so the fans were brought out and the conductor tied his score down. It was very hard to try and turn the page while conducting, and he was about to quit, because it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, there were two outs, and the fans were going wild.

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  • 6 months later...

Time for a new clean joke I was thinking. So here's one about a preacher which is always good fodder for the mill....

A Minneapolis couple

decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter They

planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years


Because of their hectic

schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel. So, the husband left

Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the

following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago,

there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without

noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile...somewhere in

Houston a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a

Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart


The widow decided to check

her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the

first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the

room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer

screen which read:

To: My Loving


Date: Friday, October 13


I have Arrived!



I know you are surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved

ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has

been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you


Hope your journey is as

uneventful as mine was.

PS ......

Sure is freaking hot down here!!


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  • 3 months later...

This little boy was misbehaving in church and after a while the mother had enough so she bent over and whispered something to the little boy.

He immediately straightened up and did not say another word.

While shaking hands after the service the pastor told the mother, I could not help but notice how you disciplined your son. May I ask what you said to him?

She replied, I simply told him that if he did not shut up that he would cause you to lose your place and you would have to start all over from the beginning.

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