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corrydj

Question for the GS Girls....boys may look too!

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I find myself perpetually single, 5 yrs. post divorce, I'm still alone!

I've had assorted dates, about three serious boyfriends and joined a few dating services, etc. But after one recent major heartbreak, I'm back to zero!

I'm o.k. with being single as I'm still raising my teenage sons and I usually have no problem meeting someone new....the question is is what direction to go?

All my Christian friends/aquaintance's insist I find a Christian man! In my experience, this has been a lot harder than it sounds! It is the ideal, but not the norm.

Soooo, my question is, is it really necessary in God's eyes that we end up with a Christian person. When I was married and going to twig, people would say "don't worry, your husband is sanctified by your believing."

I know it would make life easier if you are both on the same page, but not even all Christian's agree on everything.

So, what say you?? Help!

And thanks!

corrydj

ladda~dee ladee~daa

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Since you would not (probably) be raising small children with your next long-term fella, I think that if you get along on all other fronts, religious beliefs shouldn't be the main issue. I have met a lot of really decent, honest people who didn't happen to go to a church or profess a certain religious belief.

Just keep in mind that people's beliefs change!! A big problem in my marriage was that my opinions and beliefs changed and my spouse couldn't/ wouldn't accept that. Inflexibility can be a harsh task-master.

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quote:
Originally posted by corrydj:

All my Christian friends/aquaintance's insist I find a Christian man!

ladda~dee ladee~daa


They insist? With friends like them, who needs The Way? Why not ask God to bring you the person who is best for you? You'll probably know it when you meet him. Either that or you could arrange a nice group wedding and just marry your Christian friends, as long as they are volunteering to be the head of your household.

"You don't really live until you find something worth dying for." - Jesus

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Qami...why didn't I think of that?

In fact, I should start my own marriage cult! And tell my "friends" it's time to put up or shut up.

MARRY ME, DA#@%IT!!!!!!!!

(And pay my bills while you're at it, ha!)

corrydj

ladda~dee ladee~daa

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get an anonymous (free) email account like hotmail or yahoo and put it on your profile (unless the people here really freak you out lol)

if i was a guy, i would be interested

i like you

(the hell with what anyone tells you, except for those you agree with, of course)

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then you could be sure the rest of the possibilities would be endless

i would avoid any man that was confined to groups or religious brand names

i like you too

to quote Perry Ferrell:

"...and I'm going 'bout my business...and I'm wonderin' what I'm missin'.."

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Well Ex...if I really, really, really can't find a man, then we'll talk!

Until then, I'm on the market!

corrydj

ps I'm really not bad looking lest anyone thinks...yeah, I know her problem!

ladda~dee ladee~daa

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corrydj,

Re:"Soooo, my question is, is it really necessary in God's eyes that we end up with a Christian person."

I was wanting to jump in here sooner but since that was your question.. I held off as I'm not qualified to answer. Seeing as others have not addressed that question either then let me ramble just a bit.

When you were in TWI, your husband was evidently not a believer from what you've posted. Did that matter to you? If so.. then maybe you should look for a believer. Start attending churches that have large singles departments in your age group.

If not.. then why not look for a kind man that has the same value system you do? I think that there will be issues more pressing, like, how does he feel about marrying a woman with teenage children? Will there be conflict with your kids if you remarry? Who will be responsible for paying bills? Do you split the expenses 50-50?

My heart goes out to you corry. I'm very thankful I have a great wife who is also the mother of my children but I know of the loneliness that goes with single parenthood. It breaks my heart when I scan the personal ads in the newspapers. There are a lot of lonely men and women out there who have been heart broken in the past... fearful of trying to love again.. but even more fearful of growing old alone and unloved.

Thankfully, you're content as you are. But a love in your life would be nice, no? A problem for a lot of folks in your situation is meeting people. That's not the case with you so you have a lot going for you. Take it nice and slow.

sudo

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This opens up a whole can of big worms for me.

After one really sad relationship almost right after leaving TWI, way back in the early-mid-seventies, I avoided any kind of intimacy altogether - get this, for fear of being considered unworthy, unwanted, and in the end unloved. Silly me!

I substituted intoxicating substances for the lack of love and fellowship in my life. And after a six or seven year recovery from that protracted nightmare (drinking and drugs) I found out I lost my nerve completely ? beyond any doubt whatsoever!

I figured why not become a monk of sorts. So I found every excuse in the book I could use to stay independent. The ultimate answer was a regional engineering job that took me out and away from home frequently, and for long stretches of time. It was the perfect alibi; I even believed it myself for I don?t know how long. But after another eight years I realized I was only hoodwinking myself ? denial is a wonderful thing!

So I take up another occupation, one closer to home this time, but leave that after a couple of years and wind up going back to school to become an artist and writer. So, I am in school meeting all kinds of really young and great looking, women ? all too young for me however. Many are/were Europeans and didn?t seem to mind the age discrepancy all that much ? but I did! I mean what do you talk about after the usual stuff. Twenty-six year old girls are pretty one-dimensional.

After a little bit, along comes a thirty-eight year old gal - a serious Christian woman at that - Wow! She spends the next few months exploring who I am and visa versa. I hold nothing back I am committed to the total truth, hoping my explanations are good enough. After about eight months she decides I am not worthy, really wanted, and not very lovable - in general not for her... "so please don?t come to church with me anymore!"

We remain friends to this day, despite several fights over what was the best for our ?friendship.? We have eventually gotten to some resolution on this. When we disagree on some aspect of our friendship, or the interactions concerning it, we have agreed only state what bothers either or the other, without any kind of emotional and moral judgement. Leave the morality, the judgements, and the legalisms to God. And that works great!

When we are odds with each other now, it only lasts a few minutes and passes without lasting injury to opposite party. And we truly are good friends. She prefers my company to many of her not so regular boyfriends. Her daughter is a bit of a problem child ? lots of temper tantrums - but this kid loves me more than any other male in her life. When I come around, this kid is two feet off the ground. She even gets mad at me if I spend too much time talking to her mom. That?s how much this little girl thinks of me, and the feeling is pretty mutual on my part too.

Well, this is really great except her mother still thinks I am unworthy, and unlovable ? despite my many efforts to prove otherwise ? maybe a self-fulfilling prophecy? I have come to realize that this very sweet woman has real issues I cannot possibly deal with until she decides to deal with them herself, and that may never happen in my lifetime.

Some people I?ve consulted think she is neurotic maybe beyond hope. Unfortunately for me, she still thinks she is morally and spiritually superior ? despite our long discussions about such things. All I can do is accept her for who and what she is and love her as a good friend (agape). So I guess I am back to square one - I am what I feared I would become.

Oh well, better luck next lifetime.

The moral of my very wordy story (sorry for that) is don't judge a book by its cover, and if you want to date do it ASAP - don't wait. Please don't qualify the other by their spiritual dog tags. We are all spiritual like it or not - some more than others, and these things happen in any circumstance, any church, or any living room. I say make the best of what it is you have and don't ever go it alone for the long term - it really hurts. If nothing else, I learned that from my "Christian" woman friend. When I see just how alone this woman really is, and how unalone I typically feel in comparison to it, I just want to shout in her ear to wake-up! But I can't do that can I? It would be impolite of me.

-Jason P.

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I don't mean to sound like a commercial, but I humbly recommend two books that are, IMO, the most clear-headed Christian perspective regarding dating, etc. They are Avoiding Mr. Wrong, and the companion book is Finding Mr. Right. Both written by Stephen Arterburn. They are excellent & well worth the time.

And, yes, I believe a Christian should marry a Christian. However, there are plenty who pass themselves off as Christians, but cause worlds of harm. The label alone is not enough. This site is certainly testament to the damage that's been done by so-called Christians. Having said that, another good book is Safe People by Henry Cloud & John Townsend (not the same JT that was on the first BOD).

I hope this is helpful!

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Corry,

I hear you

I am 48, divorced nearly 4 years, and have a 4 year old daughter, that stays with me over 1/2 the time. Joint custody.

It is a challenge. I have quit looking for a mate at this point. If the right person comes along - fine, I trust that God will give show me (and her). But I am not asking for or actively seeking a mate.

I am trying to stay out of the way this go around.

As far as the Christian/Christian thing goes, (I am one) I have found that this is not enough by itself, and in many cases can actually be a problem when one tries to force their brand on the other.

I would rather be with a kindhearted and giving unbeliever than with an obnoxious dogmatic Christian anyday.

Bill Roth

A.K.A

Goeymail.gif

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quote:
I would rather be with a kindhearted and giving unbeliever than with an obnoxious dogmatic Christian anyday.


I'm in full agreement with this statement.

Mrs. Wierwille told me once that I should marry my best friend.

That's the best advice I've ever received on the subject.

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Well, I married my best friend, and that didn't work....and the saddest part? I lost my best friend

Goey...I think it wise when you said:

"I am trying to stay out of the way this go around"

So true, so true.

I have found my Buddhist friends more "christian" than the so called "christians" I know.

I've done my share of dating over the years, and have come to basically the same conclusion, goey...what will be will be. As long as I stay focused on living my life to it's fullest, becoming all I can be, and giving all I have to give...my life seems pretty full and complete.

I do get lonely, and do miss the companionship of a "best friend", but also have been in a position where just filling the gap with just anyone can be complete TORTURE!!! So, I've learned to be content with god and myself.

I am open, and believe that when the right person is there, it will happen...but, I'm also not holding my breath.

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corrydj,

My husband and I do not follow the same path. He follows xianity, I do not.

When we were both following twi's form of xianity and, later on, mainstream xianity, our marriage was horrible because we could not allow each other to be different from ourselves.

It was terribly hard for my husband when I found myself on a shamanic path. Really, he freaked out pretty badly...even suggested that we return to the twi offshoot church. But he finally realized that it is my life, my mind, my heart, my path.

For the first time in 25 years of marriage, we're getting along.

The mutual respect it takes to allow another person to choose is the very same mutual respect it takes to build a decent marriage.

http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store/store.aspx?storeid=CoolWaters'>39a10750.jpghttp://www.imood.com/query.cgi?email=CoolWaters@cox.net'>The current mood of CoolWaters@cox.net a</p>

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I had been divorced just a little over a year when I left TWI and found Waydale/GSC.

I was also in the market for a MAN -- reaching 30 and wanting kiddos. Unlike you, I was not a single mom...

After having been married once I knew what I could and couldn't live with -- I knew what areas of life I could compromise on and which ones I couldn't.

When I met hubby, I had been dating a man who did not want to get married, already had a child from a previous marriage and didn't want anymore. He wanted the milk and not the cow, if you get my drift.

Hubby wasn't that. After I realized we were pretty compatable, I basically gave him my "business plan" -- I wanted the American Dream -- house, kids, and 2 cats in the yard...

He said he wanted his kids to have red hair (I'm a redhead and wanted to live in a house near the lake). BTW - we'd met in Jan '00 and were married in Aug. Our son was born in July '01.

The moral of the story: Know what your 'must haves' are, have an idea of what your 'would like to haves' might be and what your 'no-way-in-hell!' is, too. This is someone you DON'T want to make another mistake with, so why settle for less?

BTW -- about your 'Christian' friends -- they won't have to live with the man you choose to settle down with -- they should be happy if you're happy and if they aren't then they should keep their pieholes closed! =)

Happy hunting!

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In my prayers. For you-all.

When you find the one the Lord has in mind it's a completeness to life.

Hopefully still,

Kit Soberangelkit.gif

The course of the bubonic plague was turned by the concept of clean.

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I'm mainly a 9th corps poster-boy but I had to stick my two cents in.I don't believe God has anything to do with marriage or picking a partner.Old Testament guys had several wives,concubines,unbelieving wives,they traded cattle for wives,etc. etc.Much of that was dictated by local custom.Our current local customs regarding marriage are often changing and confusing.If you connect with someone mentally, physically,intelectually and emotionally,I think it"s called "chemistry".If that becomes love,I don,t think it matters whether your spouse reads Ephesians or the sports page first thing in the morning.Besides chemistry,I would look for character...rather than a belief system in a person.

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Subject: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you

like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who

they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,

and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

* Kirsten, age 10

___

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by

then.

* Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get

married.

* Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

_____

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling

at the same kids.

*Derrick, age 8

_____

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

* Lori, age 8

_____

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them

to get to know each other. Even boys have something to

say if you listen long enough.

* Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and

that usually gets them interested enough to go for a

second date.

*Martin, age 10

_____

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call

all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me

in all the dead columns.

* Craig, age 9

_____

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess

with that.

*Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry

them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

* Howard, age 8

_____

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one

thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all

grossed out.

* Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.

Boys need someone to clean up after them.

* Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)

____

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

* Kelvin, age 8

_____

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a

truck.

*Ricky, age 10

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alot of good advice here

CoolWaters...you too smart

yeah, specifics on what you "need/want" are critical, too

killin me with the "i want kids with red hair" thing...LOL

try match.com ...not to find a man...but it helps with narrowing down specifics

i am allergic to cats...i seem to fall in love with any girl on match.com that checks off "hate cats" lol....no but really...it helped me see all the categories that I hadn't considered

i lived twenty years allergic to cats and dust, with a women who wanted cats and didn't dust....i would've dusted if I weren't out working all day!?

but it's the little things that can wear you down

good luck on your search, corrydj

do you have cats? lol

to quote Perry Ferrell:

"...and I'm going 'bout my business...and I'm wonderin' what I'm missin'.."

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But I'm not getting married just yet.

Sudo-Glad you're happily married. What a blessing! And thanks for the kind words.

NowOut-You never know! Glad you're there for the kid.

Freebird-Thanks for the book suggestions.

Bowtwi-Out of the mouths of babes!

Goey-Don't give up!

I'm not!

corrydj

ladda~dee ladee~daa

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Don't sweat yourself looking for Mr. Right in church, at the market, etc, etc. You can find garbage or gold anywhere. When you ain't looking for something, that's when you find it.

Be the best parent you can for your kids. YOUare their biggest role model(auggh! I hate that term!).Don't rush it & get hooked with something you really could have done without.

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