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An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:


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A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

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Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

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Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney rips a $1000 bill in half and throws it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina brags, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in

despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...

you a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we

do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, beer.. you

name it!

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars

from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer

- no biggie -

you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow...that's....awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,

Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go bankrupt...well you're

dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great

big bowl of crack. Or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.

You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right

- you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!

Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: Are You gay?

Guy: No.....

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) You're gonna hate Fridays...


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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

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An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.

During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -

"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

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Bud has a "nosebleed seat" at the final game in the Stanley Cup series. He notices an empty seat in the front row.

After the first period, he makes his way down to the empty seat and asks the guy in the next seat if anyone's sitting there. The guy says, "No, you can sit there."

As they're watching the game, Bud asks the guy whether he knows who owned the ticket for the empty seat. The man says, "Yes, it was my wife's seat. We've been coming to Redwings games together for years. But she passed away."

Bud says, "I'm sorry about that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to take the ticket? I mean, this is the FINAL game for the Stanley Cup!"

The guy says, "No, they're all at the funeral."

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There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. So the Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children this started to get expensive, so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd.

"Having children is an act of God," he said.

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

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A priest and a rabbi were the only clergymen in a small town. The priest had a large wealthy congregation which provided him with a late model car for his transportation. The rabbi had a small congregation, and it was rather poor, so the rabbi use a bicycle.

Both men realized that between them, they cooridinated the spiritual welfare of the townsfolk, so they met every Tuesday (alternating at each other's homes) for lunch and planned their events.

One week the rabbi failed to show up. The preist ate alone, then got busy and forgot his friend the rabbi hadn't shown. The following Tuesday, the priest arrives at the rabbi's and then remembers the broken luncheon appointment and asked what happened. The rabbi stated that he couldn't travel that far to the priest's on foot, and he had no bicycle, it appeared that somebody had stolen his bicycle.

Over lunch that day they schemed that each should preach in his respective house of worship on the 10 Commandments, expecting that when they got to "thou shalt not steal" the offender would return the bicycle.

The following week the rabbi shows up right on time for lunch. The preist says, well, I guess our plan worked, you have your bicycle back.

The rabbi said - it worked, but not as we planned. When I got to the part "thou shalt not steal" nothing happened but when I got to "thoug shalt not committ adultery - - I remembered where I left it.

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Harvey tells his doctor his sex life is unsatisfactory. He

suggests Harvey should go to an adult movie where he may

pick up some new ideas. After going to the movie, Harvey

gets home late and his wife says, "Harvey, where have you

been? I've been worried about you." He explains about his

doctor's advice and says, "You know, all of the women in

the movie, they MOAN." "Harvey, if you want me to moan for

you, I'll moan." They go to bed, things begin to progress

and his wife asks, "Harvey, you want me to moan for you?"

"NO! DON'T MOAN YET!" Things start getting even hotter and

again his wife asks, "Harvey, you want me to moan now?"

"NO! DON'T MOAN YET! DON'T MOAN YET!" Finally the magic

moment arrives and when his wife asks if he wants her to

moan, Harvey screams, "YES!!! MOAN NOW!!! MOAN NOW!!!"

His wife says, "Harvey, the lines at the mall were so long

and the prices so high..."

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An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and headed for the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

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There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest swimmer. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

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All drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been searching for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on Mycoxafailin.

Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, and Alimpdixafixit. And, of course, Ibepokin.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Bungee Jumping In Mexico

Two Americans, Bob and Jeff, decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.

They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the heck is a pinata?"


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There was a church in Mexico who needed someone to ring the bell on Sundays .. no one showed but this boy with no arms.. the priest says " I don't think you can , my son , because of your handicap. boy says " I know I can do it , I KNOW I CAN !!.. well, o k lets see. So up the tall bell tower they went, got up to the bell free , there's the bell. A big, big brass bell. Ok , ring it ,says the priest. The armless boy gets back ,takes a good look at the bell an takes off arunnin'. Goes smack face first right into the bell .. BAAARAAAGGG the bell rings. He getsback again runs face first,, BAAARAAAGGG . IT MAKES A BEAUTIFUL SOUND. Boy gets back again. runs at it , but miss times it and the boy runs right by the bell and out the window..... S P L A T ... to the ground below. The towns people gather around ... WHO IS THIS BOY WHO IS THIS BOY?. The priest comes walkin' down .. FATHER FATHER WHO IS THIS BOY? The priest says ,,,, i don't know his name , but his face rings a bell

Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.

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An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.

So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!

He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion.

He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'D@mn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.

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Well, now the church in Mexico needs a new bell ringer.

And the armless boy's twin brother, who is also armless, applies for the job.

The priest hires him with misgivings, remembering the previous incident.

This boy rings the bell with his head BONNNGGGGG! BONNNGGGGG! *miss!* SPLAAATTT!

The townspeople again, "Who is this boy?" One person says, "I think he's the other boy's twin". The townspeople say, "How do you know?"

"Well, I don't know for sure, but he's a dead ringer!"

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his face rings a bell

he's a dead ringer

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha


New Sex Study

It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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Dear Sirs:

I have the solution for the prevention of hijacking, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijacking, and the airline industry would have record sales.

Why the hell Congress and President Bush didn't think of this already is beyond me.


Bill Clinton

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A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son, Alan, comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy, Alan, says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Alan - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Alan - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Alan - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Alan - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that Alan and the lover are in the closet together.

Alan - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Alan - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Alan - "$750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

Alan says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Alan -"$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes little Alan sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

Alan says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again.?

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A local United Way office realized that it had never

received a donation from the town's most successful

citizen... a rich dentist. The person in charge of

contributions called to persuade him to contribute. "Our

research shows that out of a yearly income of at least

$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you

like to give back to the community in some way?".

The citizen mulled this over for a moment and replied,

"First, did your research also show that my mother is

dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are

several times her annual income?".

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No.".

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and

confined to a wheelchair?".

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology

but was interrupted.".

"--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,

"the man's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her

penniless with three children?!".

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said

simply, "I had no idea...".

On a roll, the citizen cut him off once again: "--so if I

don't give any money to them, why should I give any to



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For the computer minded

The Gatesmobile

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNET," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.

8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day. Teach him to fish and he will spend the day in a boat drinking beer.

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