The twelve commandments of flaming

[Sudo]

The twelve commandments of flaming

1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Long Gone is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Shellon, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."

3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From Living Epistles Society to Ex Ex Way Haven to the Jehova's Witness forum, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't possibly be that you're a dickhead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Proberje has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Proberje."

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Steve! states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Steve!'s pasta preferences, then Steve! is obviously lying.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "vini, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."

8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic'."

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit you in any way or move a flame war to email or PT is either a communist, a fascist, or both.

10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."

sudo

[lindyhopper]

LMAO Sudo!

[CKnapp3]

quote:

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Originally posted by Sudo:

At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."

sudo

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Well now Sudo, that isn't so bad, I do strange things with veggies sometimes. Ever put peanut butter on a celery stick? :D-->

[Cindy!]

ROFLMAO, Sudo!!!

But wherever did you get the inspiration to post this? -->

[Tom Strange]

There's commandments?

[nonameplease]

Sudo,

#7 is my favorite: fetuccini aldredo. YUM!

But I kind prefer vino vidi vici myself.

[Jim]

quote:

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7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "vini, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."

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You left out my favorite, "non sequitur"

It must be a good one cause I learned it on Star Trek.

[Mister P-Mosh]

Given all of our backgrounds, I'd say that one of the most important latin phrases is, "Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione." I am not interested in your dopey religious cult.

[def59]

Well now Sudo, that isn't so bad, I do strange things with veggies sometimes. Ever put peanut butter on a celery stick? :D-->

How about peanut butter and mayo?

My son and I like pb and tuna.

[Mister P-Mosh]

quote:

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Originally posted by def59:

My son and I like pb and tuna.

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That sounds almost like Thai food. You might want to try pad thai sometime if you've never had it. Think of it as almost of a spaghetti with a peanut and ginger sauce, and if you get meat you can get shrimp or chicken on it. Good stuff.

[Jim]

"pb" to an engineer or chemist sounds too much like lead.

quote:

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You might want to try pad thai sometime if you've never had it. Think of it as almost of a spaghetti with a peanut and ginger sauce, and if you get meat you can get shrimp or chicken on it. Good stuff.

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*Seriously* good stuff.

If you're ever in the SF Bay area, on the east side, go to the Emory Bay Food Court. The Tai food stand has the best vegetarian pad thai that you can imagine. I've been known to drive 60 miles for it.

[Hope R.]

****Brilliant!**** - FOUR STARS!!!

"Sudo's 'Twelve Commandments of Flaming' had me rolling on the floor laughing my foot off!" - HR GreaseSpot Cafe Times

May I add to #12?

12a. Make sure that your insults sound as if they might be compliments. Use "bless your (her/his) heart", using a Southern accent, whenever possible.

Bless his heart! He can't help it if his butt is bigger than his head!"

12b. Make your insults questions - as if people are going to agree with you.

"He's just a big, dumb, know-it-all, isn't he?"

12c. And make sure you disguise your insults by using words that most people have to look up in order to realize that they've been insulted.

"Wow! Your belief system is gormless! I trust I'm not being presumptuous when I suggest that you get your vacuous ideas from various benighted sources. I am in awe as to how you can be so illiberal and disingenuous in your exposition.”

[Jim]

In my family we have what is known as the "any damn fool ought to know that" argument conclusion.

After stating a premise of any sort, just conclude it with "any damn fool ought to know that" My dad did this for years anytime he wanted to add finality to a statement. Now it's sort of a sick joke with the kids and grandkids.

[Tom Strange]

Thank you hope! (I think, I had to use dictionary dot com):

gormless: Lacking intelligence and vitality; dull.

vacuous: 1. Devoid of matter, empty. 2. a.Lacking intelligence, stupid. b. Devoid of substance or meaning, inane. c. Devoid of expression, vacant. 3. Lacking serious purpose or occupation, idle.

benighted: 1. Overtaken by night or darkness. 2. Being in a state of moral or intellectual darkness; unenlightened.

Thanks again! (I'm so confused!)

[GarthP2000]

Jim,

And a good comeback to that would be "Well, I guess I'm not a damn fool then."

:D-->

[Hope R.]

Tommy... don't tell anyone but... I used a very cool Thesaurus! (Plumb Design Visual Thesaurus)

[Sudo]

Hope,

Re:"Sudo's 'Twelve Commandments of Flaming' had me rolling on the floor laughing my foot off!" - HR GreaseSpot Cafe Times"

I'm glad you enjoyed this little ditty but just for the record, I didn't write it. While reading a particular thread here, I was reminded of these rules of flaming that I saw on an old Prodigy bulletin board years ago.

By sticking in a few key words, I was able to find it on the internet. I modified it just a teensy weensy bit. But I've been told that by TWI standards, that qualifies me to claim authorship.

sudo

[GarthP2000]

quote:

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But I've been told that by TWI standards, that qualifies me to claim authorship.

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Don't tell that to Raf. He might not take kindly to it.

:D-->

[Steve!]

I think the keywords are "by TWIt standards". I don't think Raf will have any problem with it.

[Raf]

quote:

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Originally posted by GarthP2000:

quote:

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But I've been told that by TWI standards, that qualifies me to claim authorship.

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Don't tell that to Raf. He might not take kindly to it.

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I'm the one who told him.

[Sudo]

Garth,

'Tis true.. It was indeed the Rafmeister who informed me of such. And I thought it was hilarious. I read what you said last night but rather than respond I decided to go to bed, and come here early to post. I logged in this morning with all intentions for giving Raf the credit when I saw he had already responded.

Now I'm feeling guilty having procratinated. So I'll ask.. Since we're on TWI standards now and I have authorship, when do I get the babes?? :D-->

sudo